“PM” incoming funkers.

That was close! Geoff from next door but one doesn’t look very happy this morning.

Self service tills don’t always work properly. It isn’t my job so **** them!

I’m hoping someone might confess to having stolen my 3 bikes a few years ago.

I was stumbling home from a party at about 5am. I was well pissed and in full Superman outfit complete with Brylcreemed kiss curl. As I neared a row of local shops, a van pulled up and dropped off a bale of morning newspapers. I took the lot.

I woke around 4pm covered in Suns, Mirrors, Observers and a copy of Amateur Photographer! It took me a while to work out what had happened. Oops .

A chaise lounge from the hotel pub in town when I was about 20. Me and a mate just picked it up from the reception lobby and walked it down the high street one sat night!! Pissed up obvs but we felt proper ashamed the next day when friends commented that wasn’t this the chaise from the …… hotel.

fessed up to the owner (who we knew) and brought it back. All forgiven. Also swiped a Bedfordshire Constabulary sign from an old station (out of commission) yonks ago…. that still resides on my back wall

A length of square profile aluminium. Machine setter spent ages looking for it. Ha, sweet revenge. I’ve not even used it for anything… yet.

A plastic dalek from Woolworths. Oh and a bag of M&Ms from the vending machine at work yesterday.

Oh yes now I think if it the hatton garden job I oversaw as project manager.

🤣

😢sadly not!

Some records… some borrowed and not returned, some from a house I was staying in 😆 I like to think they’re far more appreciated by me, seeing as there wasn’t even a working record player in the house…

Got arrested with my big bro for shop lifting in about 1978, if that counts. I got away with a pen knife that I hid down my pants, until someone nicked it off me. I blame peer pressure.

Best thing I’ve robbed was from a pub. On a leaving do, I admired the whiskey glasses. My boss said “take one then”. Being an easily influenced 19 year old, I did. Still got it and I’d hate to lose or break it. It is a lovely glass –

years ago I had a house that needed a replacement loo pan, it had the original Victorian toilet with the flush above the head and the pan bit needed an external flush pipe connector – the only pans you could get to fit were either from salvage yards or new reproduction and both options were £200 or more (this was in 2001 and I was skint) so I spent ages researching and looking

then a week or two later I saw EXACTLY the right thing in a garden with a load of other stuff about to be chucked by some d1ckhead builder doing a sh1t job of renovating a house (ikea kitchen and magnolia everywhere). So I went in the middle of the night and liberated it 🙂 now I know how antique collectors feel when they see an old master or ming vase in a charity shop, and it would have ended up in a skip so I feel no remorse

My d1ckhead noisy neighbours new mattress. Came home to find a new mattress dumped in my front garden. After a few days I dropped it round to the side of their house as I was feeling charitable.

Came home a week later to find ANOTHER KIN MATTRESS in my front garden!! I contacted the courier telling them to collect it. Of course they never returned so I claimed it as my own.

Its of no use to me as its too big, so will get around to selling it one day. I think they were trying to pulling a fast one as evidently they received the 1st one.

Delivery drivers are ‘tards. Surely part of the interview should be to identify numbers on a door & match it to the number on a label.

What is true is that we stole it at kicking out time, and I returned it very early the next morning, probably before it was even missed

Sounds like an episode of The Archers!

I  stole a small plastic figure from another child when I was aged 5. I was so racked with guilt and fear afterwards that was the day I hung up my loot bag and life of crime. Can’t even take a pub glass these days!

lots of stuff a long time ago . No regrets .

lots of stuff a long time ago . No regrets

Pray tell why?

Because things aren’t always black and white . That is not a defense that would hold up in court 🙂

Aged 8-9, my school had some kind of fair where different classrooms had myriad items for sale.  The last bit went over my head though as I rocked up, grabbed a book on space travel and a pencil and disappeared.  Without paying.  Hardcord uproar.

I have stolen lots of books.

Mostly by actively going in to book stores and secreting them about my person. but I have also had the opportunity to do so whilst working in what were essentially book ‘warehouses’..

Both from WHSmith and Blackstones if anybody is really taking notes.

I stole a copy of ‘Thatcher – The Downing Street Years’ from a book store in Oxford to ensure that the recipient didn’t receive a legitimately purchased copy.

That turned out to be the last book i half-inched – it’s not so easy now.

In my defense, i was young and stupid at the time.

Garden gnomes …then sent ransom notes..

Always returned ( sometimes months later ) ..with or without the extortionate demands being met ..

A porny mag from a news stand at Newcastle Central station. I laid another mag over the top of it, asked the stall holder “how much?” paid him and picked both up. My younger sister was with me; we were going a bit off the rails because we were both teenagers fizzing with hormones and life was hell at home with Mum and Dad fighting horribly all day.

More recently a couple of Road Closed signs from each end of our street just a day before the street, long abused as a rat-run, was reopened after four months of glorious peace while they replaced a bridge. The street was reopened and I nipped up and closed it for three days longer before the council took away the signs. A cycling club buddy worked at the Highways department and reported that his boss was fuming:”We can’t have members of the public setting up diversions!”  I suspected my buddy knew I was involved. He may even read this!

Only hearts 🙂

Because things aren’t always black and white . That is not a defense that would hold up in court

So what was it? A rainbow?

Lastly week.. A set of grips from a bike at a trail centre.. 😉

10 years ago I drove a family friend to her uni halls with all her stuff then went to the Student bar for a few drinks with her new halls mates.  On the way back many hours later we passed a set of temporary traffic lights, the ones that have their own batteries and work by radio signals.  Seeing as they have a carry handle and wheels I might have suggested we take them back and put them at either end of the narrow corridor in her halls to stop the inevitable squeezing past that happens.  Set them up in the corridor and went to bed.  Got up the next morning and they were still there, changing away.  Even had the odd hungover person wait for the green light!  Did have a little giggle to myself as I drove home and had to get through the queue going past the roadworks that now had no lights.

I’m not sure how old I’d have been now, but it was walking home from primary school so maybe aged 10ish?  I shoplifted a pencil eraser, shaped like one of those Nintendo Game & Watch things with a lenticular ‘screen’ on it.  I spent the next two weeks shitting myself, every time the doorbell went I thought it was the police coming to lock me up.  Thus ended my prolific life of crime.

I once told a joke on here about lactose intolerance.

Retribution was swift and brutal.