Etiquette for pooing in someone's letter box?

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  • Etiquette for pooing in someone's letter box?
  • spacemonkey
    Member

    Long story cut short. We’re buying a house and due to exchange tomorrow, with all parties having agreed long ago to a specific completion date. We’ve served notice (as we’re temporarily renting) and have to be out the day after completion. This evening I get a call saying the vendor that our vendor is buying from now want to move out 4 weeks later. WTF?

    We’ve a young family and can’t change our moving out date as notice has been served and another family are already scheduled to move in. So we are royally pi55ed off, as are our vendors.

    EAs have already spoken and applied pressure but without any change of heart. Ok, technically these people can do as they wish as Exchange hasn’t happened, but FFS it’s out of order. Am going to speak with our vendor tomorrow (thankfully we get on) as they’re happy to chase solicitors to get things back as they were.

    Anyone experienced this? Any tips?

    If nothing comes of it then I will give serious consideration to delivering a poo through the letterbox of the vendor’s vendor.

    Premier Icon footflaps
    Subscriber

    Best to use someone else’s so there’s no DNA trace back to you…….

    Premier Icon scaredypants
    Subscriber

    Don’t let your arse get right against the letterbox if it’s frosty weather

    Can’t help on the moving, other than sympathise – some people are just shitheads

    Premier Icon mikewsmith
    Subscriber

    Practical stuff…

    If you have to move get your stuff into storage and move in with someone, speak to your letting agent also they may be able to do something.

    spacemonkey
    Member

    Hmm, hadn’t thought about DNA tracing. Hmm.

    Premier Icon mtbfix
    Subscriber

    We had a similar issue with the vendors wanting to delay completion when we bought last year. My suggestion is that you let the solicitors sort it out. No matter how well you get on with your vendor this is a process that happens within a legal framework and sorting out the ball aches is what you are paying the solicitors for.

    cyclistm
    Member

    Wouldn’t you be pooing through the letter box of the house your buying? That makes no sense

    legend
    Member

    Wouldn’t you effectively be pooing through your own letterbox?

    Bugger, sniped!

    spacemonkey
    Member

    Technically I could hang around a public convenience and wait for someone to drop an unflushable curler? That’s my ammo sorted. I could then don my Milk Tray Man outfit and make my delivery with Splinter Cell-esque stealth.

    spacemonkey
    Member

    No, pooing through the letterbox of the vendor’s vendor, i.e the home that the people we’re buying from are buying.

    Premier Icon matthewjb
    Subscriber

    spacemonkey – Member
    No, pooing through the letterbox of the vendor’s vendor, i.e the home that the people we’re buying from are buying.

    Not sure that’s going to encourage them to move quicker…

    Premier Icon scaredypants
    Subscriber

    poo through their neighbour’s letterbox and put a note saying “greetings from all at (their number)”

    They’ll be hounded out within the week

    Spin
    Member

    Are your bumcheeks in the regular configuration i.e. perpendicular to the average letter box?

    If so then you will need to consider a method of achieving an adequate seal with said letter box. Alternatively you could explore ways of bringing your cleft into alignment with the target.

    Unless your arse starts bleeding or forcing it out rips some hairs with skin cells attached I wouldn’t be worries about DNA evidence!

    I would also poo in a bag and push it through and open it out to reduce the risk of splash back!

    spacemonkey
    Member

    So there is no DNA link in one’s poo?

    * says I, accepting the Gospel that is STW

    jonba
    Member

    Picolax…

    Don’t know who’s letterbox you should aim at.

    Jamie
    Member

    Wouldn’t you be pooing through the letter box of the house your buying? That makes no sense

    Talk about shitting on your own doorstep…

    A quick search brought this up, so maybe it could be traced back to you if you consented to an anal swab

    Can you get DNA from poop?

    Yes, there is DNA in “poop”. During excretion, cells from the lining of the rectum tend to slough off and there is DNA in these cells. In addition, fecal matter has a large amount of bacteria in it. The bacteria of course have DNA as well.

    My bad

    thered
    Member

    On a practical, no poo related note. When something similar happened to me recently I told the vendor to sort or I was pulling out.

    How big are your balls?

    spacemonkey
    Member

    TBH, if I was single and only looking out for myself then my stance would be more ballsy. But, having a family means the risks are higher, especially as the house we’re buying ticks a heck of a lot of boxes in a very slow moving market.

    Premier Icon matthewjb
    Subscriber

    I told the vendor to sort or I was pulling out.

    Or say you are reducing the price by one month’s rent. Risky move though

    toys19
    Member
    spacemonkey
    Member

    But us reducing the price of one’s months rent is going to hit our vendor. And I don’t see them trying to pass that on to their vendor.

    I see your logic though. Trouble is, we’re being hit worse than the vendor in the middle yet we have no relationship with those causing the problem.

    brakes
    Member

    You’d need some kind of poo slide. Maybe a section of plastic pipe cut in half.

    Premier Icon ourmaninthenorth
    Subscriber

    Happened on last move. Ended up with a bag of clothes and living with the in laws for a month. Challenging getting two adults and a baby in a room barely big enough for a single bed….

    Also, I’ve been on the receiving end of a last minute price chip. Agents got everyone in the chain to share the pain, so cost to us wasn’t all that. Mind you, that was back in the days of a liquid market….

    (I favour a wide selection of “deposit” (human, animal) and a black widow catapult so you can apply to those hard to reach places.)

    anono
    Member

    Maybe I’m mistaken, but surely the correct stw protocol is wee in shoes, poo in chimney?

    CountZero
    Member

    endurogangster – Member
    I would also poo in a bag and push it through and open it out to reduce the risk of splash back!

    Well, ‘splash-back’, or ‘blow-back’, could be an issue, but a few beers and a nice big curry, and you could possibly manage to re-decorate the entire entrance hall or lounge, depending on where the front door opens into.
    Just a thought… 😈

    Premier Icon totalshell
    Subscriber

    so let me understand.. you havent even exhcanged contracts yet but you ve given notice on your rented accomodation?

    you do know theres nothing to stop any or all partys changing thier minds?

    duner
    Member

    Amateurs, you freeze it first then you can do whatever you want, letterbox, through window, up their arse etc, No mess til it thaws.

    Premier Icon Jon Taylor
    Subscriber

    Amateurs, you freeze it first then you can do whatever you want, letterbox, through window, up their arse etc, No mess til it thaws.

    I’ve heard one about someone who froze their chocolate log, grated it, then sprinkled it around the house/carpets/stairs….

    😯

    Premier Icon JoeG
    Subscriber

    Make sure to eat corn the day before! :mrgreen:

    Premier Icon chipster
    Subscriber

    Yep, Duner’s played this game before, chapeau.
    I was going to suggest forgetting the poo, a pint of maggots through the letterbox would be easier.
    But, before following Duner’s advice, check you’ve got a “friend” whose freezer you could borrow?

    Premier Icon epicyclo
    Subscriber

    I would imagine for this sort of jobbie, reference to the Picolax thread may be a good idea.

    Supercharged with Picolax, I’m sure you’d get a better spatter pattern all down their hallway and ceiling.

    Just make sure the letterbox is actually open… 🙂

    Premier Icon coolhandluke
    Subscriber

    Use dog poo, not traceable if DNA testing of turds is possible.

    spacemonkey
    Member

    Some of you fellas seem to have too much experience knowledge of scat attacks 🙂

    so let me understand.. you havent even exhcanged contracts yet but you ve given notice on your rented accomodation?

    you do know theres nothing to stop any or all partys changing thier minds?

    Yes, we know that. But the date of completion has been agreed for weeks. We’ve given notice for this very reason, i.e out of trust … which in hindsight doesn’t appear so wise seeing as the vendor’s vendor decided on the day before exchange to completely move the goalposts.

    Premier Icon wwaswas
    Subscriber

    Sorry about your situation but my experience of house moves is that if there isn’t a signature on a piece of paper saying something’s going to happen then it’s not going to happen.

    Last house we bought our vendor assured us there was ‘no chain’. After 2 months of wrangling it turned out what they meant was ‘the person we’re buying from isn’t using an estate agent for the house they’re purchasing but there are two people further on from them that are’.

    As above, get your stuff in storage, find a monthly rental apartment and try and get your vendor to adjust their price to reflect the costs (although don;t hold out much hope).

    Premier Icon matt_outandabout
    Subscriber

    How awful.
    My advice? Ask the solicitor to exchange in advance next time, with a fixed completion date in there. Then you are all tied in much more strongly to that date.
    Ask if the family moving in to your place can wait?

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