The little jobs are what will get you through. Focus on the washing, the dishes, the cooking. Stuff that gets completed. Doing that will help your mindset, make you feel like you are doing things worthwhile.

Get the kids to help sort the washing – see if they can recall a time when her clothes were worn. My sister had wardrobes full of clothes – she was a charity-shop-aholic. This has been pared down to one small wardrobe of dresses for her three daughters for when they get a bit bigger. Special items they remember. The rest was recycled. It was therapeutic.

Focus on the basics. But accept practical offers of help, including childcare.

I can’t offer any advice that is better than you have already been given.  However, I just wanted to add my voice of support!

Just realised while reading through the thread again with all the turmoil and everything going on, i haven’t said this yet. I assume i don’t need to as everyone knows it anyway, but thankyou to you all. Again, your support is astonishing and beyond belief. You have been for a while, and i will proudly say it again, my extended family.

I have taken some time this afternoon/evening to do nothing. Apart from bath the kids, play with them, hug them, talk to them and try the best i can to enjoy them. One private message i had through STW reminded me of one thing which i hadn’t realised or thought of recently. Yes, i need to be there for them and yes, i need to be strong for them. But more importantly, i need to be a Dad to them.

It is tough going, trying to deal with my own emotions as well as be there for them. It is going to be a hard and long journey for all of us. I am still alone, still hurting, still questioning myself and i still don’t know how i can carry on doing this. But i will. Not just coz i need to or coz i have to. More importantly i want to. I want to make Lyanda proud. I want her to look down and be proud of the kids i have raised and the adults they will become. As tough as it will be, i know i have to face whatever is thrown at me each day and deal with it.

The majority of this way of thinking is down to all of you. Your kind words, support, generosity and friendship. This is a magical and wonderful place at times, and i hope it continues. I know i am not always going to think like this, but this is where i aim to be heading. Tomorrow i will most likely be a jibbering wreck again, but i keep reading your comments on the threads and they help. A lot.

Cross post and written before your more positive sounding post above but I’ll leave it unedited.

Gnusmas: You’re still doing stuff, even if it doesn’t get completed as quickly as you’d like or even not completed at all that day, you can start again tomorrow. You just need to keep starting. I honestly lost entire days staring into space and achieving nothing, not even feeding myself some days so by that measure you’re doing amazingly well.

i suspect putting on a brave face for the kids will be emotionally draining so again don’t feel guilty if you can get them away for an hour or two and just sit and gather yourself. Let friends and family know that you’re open to a bit of help, lots of people won’t know whether their a help or a hinderance and might not want to invade your space at this time, let them you’re struggling and if anyone offers a bit of practical help don’t be too proud to accept it.

The main thing you need to remember is not to judge yourself by the standards you had a few weeks ago, for the time being those standards are likely unachievable. It wont seem like it for months but when you are through the worst you’ll look back and realise that given the circumstances you did alright.

Sorting out possessions is a tricky one and you’ll know what you want to do. Some people like to keep stuff around as a comfort whilst for others that can be too painful and they need to purge in a singular action. Both can be right but the halfway house is to gather everything of your wife’s together and store separately to yours and the kids stuff until you’re sure what you want to do with it. That way you’re not bumping into it unexpectedly but if you want the connection it’s still there for you. Even if you do decide to purge I’d agree with TiRed’s suggestion of keeping at least a few things back. There’ll come a time when they make you smile rather than cry.

Initially I gave away jewellery and some clothes to friends and family but the rest of my former partners stuff is still in the house. For a long time it only reminded of the end of her life and the suffering but now that i see it it has started to remind of happier times. That makes me glad that I hung on to things, it feels like a sense of normality has returned and actually makes me think that the time is getting pretty close to start taking some stuff to the charity shop.

If you start wondering how you’re going to carry on doing the things you’re doing on your own, then stop a minute and remember how many people on here think you’re amazing even if we’ve never even met you.

You’re never on your own.

You’re a legend to your kids and it will get easier however long and hard that path is.

Carry on doing what you’re doing and continue to let us all know how things are.

You can carry on.

If you are local to me then I can lend a shoulder. If not, take up any face to face conversation.

Get out and talk to people.

I’ts bloody hard but get out, talk and explain feelings.

Courage mon brave; keep on keeping on – try to imagine how much better things will be in a couple of months

It was my dad’s 70th birthday on thursday and a big family get together has been planned for today. Mum and dad have hired a car so me and the kids can go too.

Be nice to see everyone but not looking forward to it. I get the feeling i will be completely overwhelmed and will struggle a lot. Kids are looking forward to it though. I am going to take each step as it comes. Hopefully it will go ok.

You have our sympathy.

I’m never sure what to say or do to help in these situations, but I’ll offer any support I can. Hang in there.

Keep Buggering On

Ming

Sounds like you are doing great, despite what you may think.

The other thing is while you need to be strong for the kids, i cannot under any circumstances see that you can’t show your emotions in front of them.

I’m not anywhere near your situation but when my grandad died recently my 2 year old clearly realised something was up and came and gave me a hug and sat on my lap for ages.

They are much more empathetic and probably as strong as we are.

Just some thoughts please feel free to disregard if they are not relevant.

Just keep going you are doing great

Have a think about contacting these guys who may be able to offer support quicker than cruse and will have people who have been in similar situations to you – Widowed and Young

It sounds like you’re putting yourself under a lot of pressure to do things and be perfect. You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to breathe and the kids can handle being fed on fishfingers and baked beans pretty much indefinitely. If you feel like doing the washing, do it, if you don’t, it’s not the end of the world, and it won’t be like this forever.

Gnumas – Alison is correct if you get chance get in touch with the above charity.

Also when you are ready and feel up to it, go to the citizens advice bureau nearest to you. They will get you on the road to having the correct financial help.

But for now, 1 tiny step at a time.

x

I managed to survive yesterday. That was a properly hard day and several times i just wanted to leave. Had to go outside quite a few times to have 5/10 mins to myself. Outside the place of the party there is a stream and the village is really quiet. A nice place to be able to gather my thoughts and think. It was very calming sitting there in peace listening to the stream. Until at least one of the kids notices i wasn’t there and wanted me. Naturally, they have become clingy to me and it was nice that even through everything going on they still kept an eye out for me.

But i persevered. All the kids were enjoying seeing the rest of the family, running around with their cousins, aunties and uncles etc. We got there about 1pm and left at 8:30pm.

Thankyou for your advice and your comments. I do show my emotions in front of them. I do talk to them about Lyanda and they talk to me about her too. All i mean is, when i get overly emotional it seems to make them worse. So i try to stay strong throughout the day so if they want to talk or need me then i am able to do all these things a bit easier. But we do cry together, sit together, hug, play and talk.

I looked into widowed and young last night as advised previously and yesterday. It costs £25 for a years membership but looks to have a number of beneficial elements to it. I joined last night, they are sending out a verification code by post to verify my address. Once this is inputted into my member account, i will have full access to them. This should be done within a week. Hopefully some good will come out of it.

Brilliant.

You have taken amazing steps, difficult, challenging steps, but you have taken them and from that you will benefit from help.

There will be hard days and slightly easier days, in time the easier days will take over the hard days, you will start to cope and a routine will come into place.

We’re all here for you. Keep posting and vent at any time.

x

I have started another thread about this but some have told me they are following this thread so posting it here too.

It has been suggested that I start a blog as a form of therapy. Something I could look back at and see how things have changed etc. Similar to what I have done here, but more in depth. I was hesitant at first, then I read the unfortunate thread titled “Suicide” and it made me think. With what I have been through, that could quite easily be me. So i decided to do this website/blog and make it public. I hope if a wider audience is able to see it and others read it, then it might help them as well.

If one person can be helped through my experiences, then I am good with that.

I mentioned this to a few people before and they asked for the Web address when it is published. It is early days, but it is published. I still have things to do to it, images and fine tuning but it has taken a week to be able to write what I have so far. The first page is quite long, it is a round up of life from our beginning to the unfortunate end. My Journey is the blog part that goes from there. I also have a contact section so people can email me direct. If I can help or support anyone then I am happy to do so.

It will improve like I said, hopefully over the next few days. Please share as much as you can, my aim is to show that emotions are ok, talking is vital and support works, whatever the situation.

https://brighteststarinthesky.com

Thanks.

Nice one, shall read once I get this assignment finished

Fella I don’t know you but I wish i did. Your courage,love and care for your wife and children is such an example to the world and the rest of us. Your in a real bad place and that’s not unexpected but your doing the best for the kids and not w you need to look after your self. I’m glad that you are dealing help and if I can/could help I would.

My my wife after a year of breast cancer has been diagnosed incurable liver cancer and I’m struggling to cope so I understand the stress of keeping it all together for others but you’ve done a better job than me reading your blog.

Frankly your an inspiration and please, please look after yourself and the kids. Please also be gentle with yourself and accept your human and you need time to greave.

all the best and hugs to you all

Jay

Take care lungman.  I would also echo your words – gnusmus seems one of the good guys.

A fellow Jay!

Gnusmas – keep going, despite how it might feel right now you are an inspiration to a lot of us and no question are to your kids

Thanks again, means a lot. I hope I am doing something right by them. Bit hard to judge when feeling helpless.

Lungman – so sorry to hear that. If I can be of any help/support please let me know. In fact, PM incoming.

Gnusmas, just read your blog. Its really nice, made me get a bit weepy.

Keep doing what your doing mate, you’ll get there eventually

Great to hear you are doing something really positive with the blog. I think about you and your family often. You truly are a great person and your boys are lucky to have such a brilliant  dad to help guide them through life. I sincerely hope the blog helps you and others who are struggling with grief.

All our love from the family Funk

Remember

Your kids will remember the good times, days out etc.

Dig in become focused on your kids,, **** the rest of them

Kharma  (the law of averages) will balance this out even if this period of time is ****

You have a duty of care to your family and one day it will be bearable.

I dont know where you live bur if you need to sit in a pub snd vent i will.pick up the beer bill.

I think it’s about time for an update. Will update my blog too, but the update here will have some extra information.

I have had an extremely tough few weeks. The first of the firsts have started and they continue to be there. An extremely emotional and tearful day when the little one started nursery on the 4th September. That morning I had to go and get a birthday card, G-2 was 10 on the 5th September. I went to the card shop to get a card and started crying uncontrollably. I then went outside the shop and sat and cried for over half an hour. Just couldn’t stop.

Really difficult on his birthday too. What should have been a really happy time was overshadowed with an extreme amount of sadness. We all got through it and i think/hope he had a good day.

Every morning since has been taken up with something. Kids appointments and counselling, doctors appointments, opticians etc. Next week sees the end of a month of busy mornings, so I might get a chance to breathe by then. Plan to start my morning rides as I haven’t had a chance to do any yet.

Upcoming, G-1 turns 15 on the 20th October. Then Halloween, bonfire night and the countdown to Xmas. All of this is normally a time me and Lyanda would look forward to, now I am dreading every minute of it. At Xmas time, my birthday then Xmas day and our daughter turns 6 on Xmas day. I know i have to do it, but i honestly cannot wait for it to be over. And it hasn’t even started yet.

On Thursday last week, i went to court. I have known about this for the past month, hence really struggling with it all and not being on here much. This was to determine what would be put on the death certificate. It was found at the post mortem that while the death was natural, there was a cause to it. An inquest was launched and 3 weeks of investigation and background checks followed. I was told there was no suspicion of foul play from day one, but this didn’t stop me blaming myself. I also took it completely out of context and started worrying about the kids and what would happen if I got locked up because of the investigation.

I completely lost it at one point, suicidal thoughts were taking over. I would randomly punch walls, smash anything I could, telling people where to go if they so much as looked at me etc. Not in a good way at all. I did manage to restrain myself when the kids were around.

The day of the court came. There was only 3 possible outcomes from it. The chief coroner after hearing the reports and evidence decided the outcome. Luckily for us, and due to our circumstances and all we had been through, he ruled it as the best outcome possible. He then came over and shook my hand and told me to carry on doing what I was doing and to look after the kids. All the way through it I couldn’t stop crying. That particular chapter is now over. The death certificate is being taken care of by the court, to save me having to go and do it. Now I am able to start concentrating on the things I need to concentrate on. The kids and me. Daily life. Grieving.

Sorry for the long post, there is more to say but this will do for now. If you got to here, thanks for reading.

Can’t think of anything to say except I checked in on the thread to see how things are going. Keep going, it’s all you can do, and it will, through repetition of the daily habits and events, become less unmanageable each day, and after each time you do something.

Keep going. You are doing a fantastic job. Your kids need you. Never forget that. Be strong for them and don’t forget if you need to chat we are here.

As above – you are doing great by keeping going.

My dad died young and while it hit us hard, I have plenty of happy memories of childhood – as will your kids.

Oh mate, thinking of you.

Well done. Not sure what else to say. You may not see it at the moment but you are an inspiration. Keep plugging away and it will get easier to bear. It will. And do keep writing here – it’s clearly cathartic for you and it gives us a way to support you.

Can only echo what the guys above have said.  Your kids will continue to make happy memories, you are going a good job and people are here for you.

Keep up the writing!

I read your blog last night with tears in my eyes and found it hard to explain to SWMBO without my voice breaking. Not only because of the love you had for your wife, not just because of what had happened, but also for how strong you are, how much you think of others rather than yourself. You truly are an inspiration to anyone, there’s not many people in this world that would’ve thought of others first in that awful moment that morning. Who is still thinking of others rather than themselves.

Your children are so lucky to have you, I cannot believe for one second that your love for them is any different to your love for your wife. They will turn out just fine, all the richer for having a father like you. Just be you, don’t pressure yourself, you could never generate the response you’ve had on here if you were anything other than a very special person. You are doing an incredible job of things.

My mother died when I was 16, pretty much out of the blue, I had lots of support from family, but they didn’t know what was the best way of treating me, why would they? I had to deal with it, in my way, just as you do now and all I can offer is that every day it gets better, you won’t notice it most days, it might be minuscule, but it does, life does go on, for you it has to. You have so many reasons…. How you deal with it is different for most people, but what you feel, how you react to any situation, is the right way for you. Don’t beat yourself up because you didn’t react in the ‘expected’ way. Looking after you is very important right now, get as much help as you can and don’t feel any guilt for doing so.

From the look of things there’s a pretty good support group on here (an amazing group of folk quite frankly) who would help you in any way they can. There’s even me, nearly 58 years old, who happened to click on your thread, read your blog and then decide that tomorrow morning I have to tell you what an inspiration you are to me. See the effect you have?

Keep going, keep talking, one day it will be ok again.

Just read your post mecuryrev.  Moving beyond words.

Sitting in the waiting room while our 10 year old is in his counselling session. Thought I would check in and pass the time. Thanks for the replies again, they still mean a lot to me. I continue to read every thread over and over, and still read new things i have missed. I am truly overwhelmed.

Mercuryrev – thankyou for your post. I am sitting here in tears after reading it. Struggling to say what I want to say as I don’t have the words at the moment. But thankyou, genuinely.

Good luck, bud.

Crying in shops is kind of par for the course in the first year after your spouse dies I reckon. I once had a melt down in the baked beans aisle of the supermarket (Morrisons in Eccles, I remember it clearly). Other people’s perceptions became quite a low priority, survival was much more important.

Never met you, but you come across as a totally amazing person, who is doing a great job in the worst of circumstances.

I think Mercuryrev makes a good point regarding things getting better everyday, often without you realising it. The first ‘cycle’ of birthdays/Christmas/etc will be tough, but it’ll get better as you adjust to a new ‘normal’

Keep going, and lean on the kids a bit when you need to, mine were amazing when my brother died.

Gnusmas, sorry if it got you going, that really wasn’t my intention and you are more than welcome.

I should also say that when my mum died one of my brothers lived with his perceived guilt about how he had told me that my mum had died. (I hadn’t gone to the hospital and he decided that he should come back to tell me) It really made him worry that he could’ve done it better, that he should’ve treated me differently to how he did in the days after. Did he do and say the right things? Could he have done it any better?

When he told me this a few years after I was amazed, the thought had never entered my head, perhaps selfishly on my part. He was grieving the same as I was, so who made him perfect, who gave him the skills to do it right? He did it right, it worked for me because he was my brother and I loved him, he was suffering just as much as me. I am pretty much certain what you did and what you are doing now will be exactly the same for your children. They will never criticise you for the decisions you made and are now making, they will only ever be proud of what you did and are doing for them. They will always have you both in their hearts.

Keep going, keep posting, keep sharing, keep asking.

G – you can rant on here any time.

It may seem odd to cry for ages in strange places. But it’s not. It’s part of the healing process. Sometimes you can’t cry, other times it comes out of the blue and you can’t stop.

To all the others on here that are going or have been through similar I send big hugs. Also thanks for sharing your stories and helping gnusmas  get through every day.

x

Thinking of you and the kids mate, glad you are getting there and thanks for the update, been wondering how you have been doing. Sounds like you’re still doing an amazing job with the kids and hope you can get out on the bike soon.