It was akin to a cumberland sausage in stature and trail furnish, with a crispy shell and gooey inner, a cadburys cream egg almost, right bang in the middle of the singletrack, visible only once detonated, waiting.

It’d been a great ride, a rare break in the post bertha era weather, sun filtering down through the trees, pleasant ache in the legs, dopamine flooding the brain from open taps, nearing the end of the trail, life was good.

Legs replenished from pork pies and banana chasers, I approached the corner at full tilt, like a steam train out of control heading for the buffers.

Time stopped.

My ears rung with the sound of liquid draining out of a sink, a loud slurping, instantaneous, erupting noise, the front wheel carving its way through the heart of the grenade, glutted to the shell with liquid dog intestinal juices.

The volcano erupted and shards of turd fizzed in every direction, a plethora of brown particles garnishing the bike and rider in a moment of ultimate bewilderment. A heady fetid slop bouquet swelled the nasal cavity. Pedigree Chum droplets hung from the down tube like a christmas tree ornament, legs desecrated in the latest shade of pebbledash brown, tshirt embellished in chicken meat loaf, it was like being coated in chewed up spat out werthers originals 😆

It only took 1.5 hours to remove it all from the bike, got into every crevice with the adhesiveness of helitape.

Considering the frontal impact nature of the collision a rivulet of starfish shrapnel even reached the jockey wheel 😯

Spoken like a true poet.
Hideous.

Turdsworth at his finest . 😮

Spoken like a true poet. You should be held in the same regard as William Shatspeare, Edgar Allen Poo, and Walt Shitman.

Needs to be read in a John Cooper Clark stylee, epic 😆

If only there was a vomit smiley. You sir are a true pooet…

Reminds me of the time on my road bike when I put a foot on a grass verge to let a dustcart pass. Planted my foot right in a dog turd. Didn’t realise until I got home and got an awful whiff of that smell…
Had the unpleasant task of cleaning it from SPD bolt heads with a cotton bud.

Two dogs one bike.

A few weeks back, 10 minutes into a ride, 3 of us had bikes coated in crap. It must have been massive for all 3 of us to get hit, but none of us saw it. A mystery!

Not as bad but riding through ashridge on Thursday, I felt something slip down the back of my shorts, stuck a hand in my gloves came out covered in horse pooh, a ball of dung had flicked up and wedged itself in my bum crack

Had to whip my shorts down and wipe my are with bracken, except it wasnt my own pooh

rivulet of starfish shrapnel

😀

Got some still-warm sheep crap on my water bottle nipple last week (the really stinky fresh stuff, not the harmless black stuff), didn’t look before I shoved the bottle in my gob and was like “what’s that warm and soft thing in my mou … th – ohgoditssheepshit GWAAAPFTTHTHTHPP. In fairness it didn’t actually taste of much, but could still smell it for ages 😐

Mmmm had a fair bit of cow turd over the bike last week :and on shorts not in thou 🙂

But better than dog turd which reeks……..

I kid you not, Muc Off is actually very good at dissolving dog doo.

Kimbers – Yeah right, sure it was a horse turd. You just shit yourself didn’t you.

neil the wheel – Member

I kid you not, Muc Off is actually very good at dissolving dog doo.

But Shitshifter has the right name for this particular application! 😉

Out for a solo ride many years ago and got a strong whiff of dog shite. Checked tyres couldn’t see any so pedalled on. Smell persisted so checked rest of the bike – still couldn’t see any so carried on. Still the smell hung around like stale fart only worse with a horrid acid tinge. Got off the bike again checked my shoes and all the clothes I could see and still there was nothing to be found. Checked helmet including vents and still nothing. Carried on ride for another couple of hours and wherever I went the smell of dogs shite was there…

Got home.

Passed mirror.

Face was dusty and streaked with sweat.

Apart from one section by my right sideburn.

Where there was a piece of dog shite the size of a lentil adhering…

DP

Built the New bike up in June. Took it down to lbs for something. Splattered in shit. Rode 400m and spent an hour cleaning it.

I was once cycle touring along the shore of Loch na Keal on Mull when I spotted an otter.

I stopped, got the binos out of the bar bag and gently laid the bike down on the grass verge.

Only laid my handlebars down so the bar tape landed in soft, moist dog turd, didn’t I?

My lad, several years ago, after a night ride involving a route through a cowfield. He rode at fair speed straight into the deep liquefied shite/mud around the drinker, front wheel sank axle deep and stopped dead, he went OTB and faceplanted in the slurried goodness. Didn’t cheer him up much.

Can Dog poo be used as an adhesive? It seems to be the stickiest thing that nature has made. After washing all the mud and twigs and pine needles off the bike there is always some dog turd bonded to the frame and tyres.

Dirty **** **** letting their beasts do this and not cleaning it up. I’d shoot the **** in front of them, then shoot the owners.

The thing is, cow and horse shit is mostly amusing as it really doesn’t smell that bad and is not generally hazardous to humans. Dog shit is vile, potentially hazardous and generally disgusting. I’d advocate marching the owner back to the spot where they let their dog shit, kicking them in the back of the knee so they are kneeling over it and rub their faces into it. I would make this legally permissible was I ever to be in a position to do so.

Dog owners go on about taking the dog for a walk. It isn’t. It is taking the dog for a shit. And if they can get away with it, not having to bother cleaning up. And yet mountain bike riders are vilified for riding on footpaths. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

@cruzcampo

Your first ‘incident’ ?

Good buddy of mine is a d.s. magnet, every ride he attracted some, no one else ever got it like him….

@dannyh

Yeah that’s true

Years ago riding at a popular public spot that had some small dirt jumps

Horrible man took offence and directed his dog to shat all over the take off to the first jump

Teenage kids took note, approached the man, he started threatening them and swearing.

I would not stand for it. Collected steaming turds in crisp packet, confronted him and threw it in his face after he made unpleasant comments about my parentage.

Thankfully some large Australian and south African riding buddies turned up just after said horrible man made threats to ‘kill us all’ and soon slinked off with his poor ashamed wide restraining him whilst he foamed at the mouth.

Exploding dog poo,
[video]http://youtu.be/Ho6FFhtTfkI[/video]

Last time I rode around epping forest i passed quit a few lady mtb’ers some with partners and many on there own .
But what struck me was how beautifully made up they all were down to their bright red lipstick.

I thought this was a lot of trouble to go through as they would probably be ingesting horse and dog faeces but maybe this was an Essex thing. But now thinking maybe a ton of foundation would work as a good barrier between their skin and the excrement.

Triggered a “grenade”, about 20 minutes into a 5 hour ride, today.
Definitely of doggy origin, as horse poo never smells that bad.

Had to issue a “Do not smell my gloves” warning to my wife when I got home.

Took the edge off an otherwise enjoyable day on bikes.

dannyh The thing is, cow and horse shit is mostly amusing as it really doesn’t smell that bad and is not generally hazardous to humans. Dog shit is vile, potentially hazardous and generally disgusting. I’d advocate marching the owner back to the spot where they let their dog shit, kicking them in the back of the knee so they are kneeling over it and rub their faces into it. I would make this legally permissible was I ever to be in a position to do so.

Dog owners go on about taking the dog for a walk. It isn’t. It is taking the dog for a shit. And if they can get away with it, not having to bother cleaning up. And yet mountain bike riders are vilified for riding on footpaths. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

This with big shiny bells on.

Next time you’re out in the middle of nowhere, make a mental note of how many dog owners are carrying a bag of shite with them looking for the next bin. Doubt you will see one.

Incredibly poetic description. Going to skip dinner tonight methinks.

Dog turd, it truly is the worst substance on the planet. I’d rather drink Polonium laced tea or go for a swim inside one of the Fukushima plants than get anywhere near the stuff.

When I lived in Leeds there was a nice bit of urban singletrack through some woods just before you got to my house. There was a period where I had to stop coming back from rides that way because I got stung not once, not twice, but THREE times in a row at the end of my rides by the same variety of fetid orange dog shizer. Took ages to clean off the rear mech, spokes, front mech, down tube cables, shoes, SPD pedals etc etc etc.

I know it was the same dog because it was the same shade of orange.

Next time you’re out in the middle of nowhere, make a mental note of how many dog owners are carrying a bag of shite with them looking for the next bin. Doubt you will see one.

Spot on. Once upon a time this nobhead had a go at me in one of my local ‘spots’. He had his dog off the lead, and his arm was in a sling. When I said to him “it’s going to be difficult to clear up after your dog with one hand” he nearly became apoplectic. I just said he would be better off getting his own house in order first, before having a pop. Silly old ****.

You won’t see any dog owners with bags of shit, because they know they will get away with it and they don’t care. Someone else’s problem. Whilst be holier than thou about the countryside they are fouling. Like using mobiles whilst driving. One big push a few years ago and now it’s just the same as it was before.

i’ve started to fight back against the abundance of dog turds on the paths and trails around Kirkcudbright, If, when i’m out and about on the bike and i spot a shitting dog with it’s furtive owner trying to hurry it up i wait till the deed is done and they’ve scurried off, i then go along and pick up the dog grenade (apt for what happens next) as i’ve always got one or two poo bags in my pockets and i catch up with the owner and shout “Catch” as i pass them and toss the offending bag their way, 9 times out of 10 the owners instinct is to reach out and catch the bag without thought and a few times they get a surprise if the bag is caught the wrong way as it does tend to explode sometimes. “That’s your dog’s shite so you deal with it” or words to that effect.

I was sick of washing my tyres down after almost every ride (my bikes live in the bedroom) not to mention the stink and occasional lump of shite thrown up onto my clothing so i started my one man shit crusade this year and it’s been pretty successful so far, My town is small and everyone knows everyone else so word soon gets around but **** em’, they should pick up their own dogs shite and recently it seems to be working as the council has started to employ dog wardens and has fined a few folk.

Next time you’re out in the middle of nowhere, make a mental note of how many dog owners are carrying a bag of shite with them looking for the next bin. Doubt you will see one.

You would if you past me.
I can be seen at least twice a day swinging a little black bag of poo, and the poo bins are many and never empty so I am not the only one.
And no matter what I am wearing I can not manage to produce my keys or wallet without pulling out at least 5 poo bags first.

Some local trails support the stick and flick method of poo management.

The coming autumn camouflage will soon make a direct hit with a dog egg or two inevitable.

Thinking back a few years to a woodland ride where it was front & back wheels, shoes, then a puncture. Makes me nearly spew remembering the smell. At least it was a local ride and I wasn’t in the car.

Nothing worse than chucking the bike in the back of the car and then noticing that smell drifting forward from the back.

Some local trails support the stick and flick method of poo management.

which is entirely driven by the cost of provision of suitable bins for those who woun’t take it home.

Obviously stick and flick causes

Waderider – Member

I was once cycle touring along the shore of Loch na Keal on Mull when I spotted an otter.

I stopped, got the binos out of the bar bag and gently laid the bike down on the grass verge.

Only laid my handlebars down so the bar tape landed in soft, moist dog turd, didn’t

and don’t step off the path to make way for other users, or worry about habitat degradation due to soil enrichment

Picking up my dogs poo does not bother me at all.
My latest pooch is a proper machine I can pick up 5 I think is his record in one walk.

And the smell does not bother me at all, I supose it’s similar to not minding the smell of your own farts.

The only thing that is not very nice is sometimes you are not paying attention and you pick up your dogs pooh and it’s stone cold and you think “that’s not my dogs poo “. But by then it’s too late to put it back.

Fox excrement smells even more 🙁

dannyh – Member
The thing is, cow and horse shit is mostly amusing as it really doesn’t smell that bad and is not generally hazardous to humans. Dog shit is vile, potentially hazardous and generally disgusting. I’d advocate marching the owner back to the spot where they let their dog shit, kicking them in the back of the knee so they are kneeling over it and rub their faces into it. I would make this legally permissible was I ever to be in a position to do so.

Dog owners go on about taking the dog for a walk. It isn’t. It is taking the dog for a shit. And if they can get away with it, not having to bother cleaning up. And yet mountain bike riders are vilified for riding on footpaths. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

dannyh for local mayor! 😆

somafunk – Member
i’ve started to fight back against the abundance of dog turds on the paths and trails around Kirkcudbright, If, when i’m out and about on the bike and i spot a shitting dog with it’s furtive owner trying to hurry it up i wait till the deed is done and they’ve scurried off, i then go along and pick up the dog grenade (apt for what happens next) as i’ve always got one or two poo bags in my pockets and i catch up with the owner and shout “Catch” as i pass them and toss the offending bag their way, 9 times out of 10 the owners instinct is to reach out and catch the bag without thought and a few times they get a surprise if the bag is caught the wrong way as it does tend to explode sometimes. “That’s your dog’s shite so you deal with it” or words to that effect.

I was sick of washing my tyres down after almost every ride (my bikes live in the bedroom) not to mention the stink and occasional lump of shite thrown up onto my clothing so i started my one man shit crusade this year and it’s been pretty successful so far, My town is small and everyone knows everyone else so word soon gets around but **** em’, they should pick up their own dogs shite and recently it seems to be working as the council has started to employ dog wardens and has fined a few folk.

This technique is endorsed too!