Back in the early 90’s, a mate & I were working as temps in the Civil Service. One of our joey jobs was to collect stationary orders from the central stationary department. We went in there once and the guy that was in charge was sat at a shredding machine shoving brand new unused envelopes through it. When we asked what he was doing, he said that someone had ordered 50,000 rather than 5,000 envelopes – he hadn’t got space to store them and there wasn’t a procedure in his book for returning them!

Kind of summed up my experience of my time at the Civil and some of the peoples attitudes that worked there. My mate & I left as soon as we could!

I’ve a few stories, but there is one which I’ve never been able to fathom.

We have a fair few sub-contractors working on our sites, they do cleaning, odd jobs etc…

One day one of the lads was asked to do the thankless job of cleaning the mens, urinals, and when I say cleaning I mean unblocking the pipes where all the fat and rubbish from your pee clogs. Trust me this is not a smell you ever want to be exposed to, it is truly horrific.

So the chap tries his best to unblock with no success, so using his intelligence went and fetched some neat caustic to tip into the urinal to help the process, a bit like using bleach but if you aren’t aware of what neat caustic does google it.

When the caustic didn’t go down the pipe, and hence the pipe hadn’t unblocked there was obviously only one solution, to take a short length of hose pipe…stick it in the urinal and try to syphon out the fluid.

What actually happened was he sucked too hard and got a mix of caustic, urine and coagulated fat in his mouth.

To say this is possibly a bad enough punishment for his stupidity is an understatement, but nevertheless he walked and his caustic, pee, fat breath has not been smelt since! 🙄

What actually happened was he sucked too hard and got a mix of caustic, urine and coagulated fat in his mouth.

Threw up slightly 🙁

At uni we did a search of folks favourites to search for unsavoury use of the internet

One person was a devotee – someone who gets sexual gratification from looking at naked amputee victims

My boss sent me off to see him with the words
” tell him he does not have a leg to stand on over his usage”
He could not do it as he said he would just laugh

lank – Oof, steady on. It’s lunch time!

At uni we did a search of folks favourites to search for unsavoury use of the internet

Is this a quote off the back of a Chinese T-shirt? lol

😀 just grim, eh?!

@ Gunz

(ended up with him on all fours having a candle whipped out of his backside…
How on earth do you manage to ‘end up’ in that situation?)

Drunk pipefitters can be very persuasive!

An office affair had been going on.

Most people knew who both parties were, some only who the woman was.

Someone who was very prudish and disapproving (and possibly still a virgin albeit he was over 40) was talking to a bloke in our office started talking about office affairs in general in a derisory way whilst making it clear he was talking about this particular one. He finished with ‘I don’t know why anyone would want to have sex with x, anyway’

Bloke he was talking to (who was the other party to the affair) turned round to him and said;

“Mainly ‘cos she really goes for it when I enter her”

and walked out the room.

I’ve never seen someone go quite so red.

bullheart – Member

He was found with his pants around his ankles, rutting a Gateway computer box, like a stag…

I used to have a gateway PC 🙁

Northwind – Member

bullheart – Member

He was found with his pants around his ankles, rutting a Gateway computer box, like a stag…

I used to have a gateway PC

did it have a virus…

IGMC.

I used to have a gateway PC

did it have a virus…

IGMC.

If only it had been a Siemens.

So close, stw, yet so far.

If it’d been longer ago, he might have been rubbing himself up against my old Wang.

He was found with his pants around his ankles, rutting a Gateway computer box, like a stag…

He was just giving it a hard drive.

He was just giving it a hard drive.

better than a floppy I suppose.

better than a floppy I suppose.

3.5″ at that.

rutting a Gateway computer box

Those were the ones with the black and white ‘cow’ print weren’t they? not good

3.5″ at that.

I hope you didn’t see his joystick

Those were the ones with the black and white ‘cow’ print weren’t they? not good

Them’s tha ones!

I remember thinking it was very attractive packaging at the time. Maybe it’s a case of “there but for the grace of god go I”

Back in 1990, in the depths of an ongoing “E’s” and coke binge lifestyle, I was approached in the office by a temp who wanted me to sign her attendance receipt. As this happened, someone at the next desk started to talk to me.

Having just come off my third line of the old marching powder in the toilets (to keep going for the rest of the day after a heavy weekend’s clubbing), I got confused and when the temp asked why I was taking so long to sign her chit, blurted out:

“Because I’m out of my **** head.”

The whole office floor went very quiet…

Those were the ones with the black and white ‘cow’ print weren’t they? not good

No, all black – or at least mine arrived that way

I see IT disties get mentioned earlier. I worked for one up until about 10 years ago.

I remember one of the “ladies” I worked with coming to breakfast at the hotel the morning after a customer jolly (where she’d been getting friendly with a customer) saying “The shower just about got his c** out of my hair, but I’ve forgotten my tooth brush. I’ve got to go to a meeting with xxx with c** breath”.

xxx being one of the biggest software companies in the world.

If this was bad enough her fiance worked for the company and he was at the jolly too 😯

We had another time where a hotel charged soiling fees because one of the women had got so drunk she curled one out in the bed and just left it there the next morning without trying to tidy it up.

At one of my old jobs a guy rode his motorbike up the access ramp to the office and crashed it in to the glass doors, totally smashing them. He then proceeded to eff and blind at the receptionist before throwing his crash helmet across the reception and down the corridor like a bowling ball.

All because someone had parked a car in the motorcycle space in the carpark.

We had a guy start work with us. It was working in publishing, which is legendarily full of absolute piss-heads. On his first week we were out on a post work bender. He was a bit of a lightweight and soon keeled over sideways

One of the girls said he can doss on my sofa, and took him home. When he woke up in the morning, he’d ‘grand-slammed’, and didn’t know where on earth he was! Trouble is, that the person who woke him up was the girls dad, who had full on Alzheimer’s, who couldn’t tell him where he was either, despite repeated pleas

Oh how we laughed when he got into work

‘grand-slammed’

definition?

When your body cleanses itself by evacuation from every orifice

It was a brand new sofa too 😆

definition?

All three; top, front and back 😯

I worked for airbus a few years back. At one stage I was in an office with proper eccentric engineery types. Some were, in the nicest possible way, total wierdos.

Once our office had to be fumigated because of really bad fruit flies. The origin of said flies turned out to be a sizeable compost heap under someones desk! Several months of banana skins and half eaten sandwiches that they’d planned to feed to a pot plant.

This has got to be the basis for a new programe for channel 4 or five, it would be meore popular than x factor.

and if ever i go into the job centre and they say what soprt of job do you want ill just produce a printout of theis thread and say a job at any one of those work places please.

Not an office, but…
My first proper job after uni was in a research pilot plant in Reading, just behind the Bell. The plant operated 24hrs, so lunch break for nightshift tended to be very liquid. We had a sofa in the stock room, which was was used to entertain ladies we’d met in the pub at closing time.

It was hot in there, with lots of steam, so we frequently worked in shorts. One very hairy lad slept on shift, across a bench.
Until we set his leg hair on fire. It stank.

Then there were the fork-lift truck races….
And races over nitrogen tri-iodide crystals we’d brewed up in the lab. It’s a detonating explosive, which makes a hell of a bang when hit. We could leave it on the floor in solution, so the dayshift would come in when it was drying.

I can’t think why they shut the site down.

I have to say, this is the best thread I think I’ve ever known on STW – the OP has struck gold here.

This also has the added benefit of getting it back to the top of the forum – where it belongs.

I’ve been chuckling to myself all day at the thought of a bloke at Gatwick ‘rutting a Gateway computer box like a stag’.

I’ve also picked up a brilliant new euphemism for self-abuse (which I will, of course, use and pass off as my own):

‘Roughing up the suspect’

Absolute gold.

Not work related but….

A friend (ahem) had to spend a few months living with the in laws as they were between houses.

Father in law complains of a virus on his PC, friend being in IT was asked to fix.

With in laws and wife stood over his shoulder his first action was to look at browsing history….

Various dodgy sites are listed….”burrito bitches”

Wife slaps friend “what the fxxx you been doing on my dad’s computer?!”

Father in law “it’s okay, don’t worry about it, I think it’s okay now…..” Quickly grabbing the mouse and closing the browser…..

Still chuckle…

I walked into the staff toilet sometime last year to find a mobile phone left on top of a toilet roll dispenser. It was a smartphone, and not really knowing how to work them at the time, I pressed random things until the screen lit up. I only got a glancing view of it before the screen went dark again. I was sure that I saw the words “sticking her tongue up his arse” written! Presuming that I was mistaken, I managed to unlock the phone and low and behold, a very graphic porn novel on the kindle app appeared. I eventually tracked down the owner and returned his phone-he was very sheepish as I returned it! The worrying part of the tale is that I’m a guitar teacher in a high school and the member of staff was a classroom teacher! Luckily most of the kids were off timetable on school trips that week-its still not great though! Who cracks one out to a porn novel in a school toilet ffs!

Secretary at my old employer was an ugly middle aged woman. At one Christmas do, she leant over and stage whispered in one partner’s ear: “I’m thinking of having my fanny taped up so I can only take it up the arse.” She also admitted to wanting squrrels to lick her *ahem*! Same party another secretary dropped an E and groped every man (and a few women) there.

Another similar event finished with one of the MILF secretaries back at the office receiving it up the scuttle from one lawyer, whilst another looked on waiting his turn.

Never think lawyers are boring!

been reading this for 2 days thinking i had nothing to add. then i remembered the guy i used to work with…

on a works trip to the ‘dam he went off with his camera under his coat taking photos of red light district.

he once got paid some of the lads to help him move house, amongst the boxes they found some photos of him, posing naked with only his tennis racquet 😯 similar ones of his missus by a swimming pool.

even worse were the specialist mags with his wifes photo stuck over the models faces 😆

Father in law “it’s okay, don’t worry about it, I think it’s okay now…..” Quickly grabbing the mouse and closing the browser…..

haha, when I used my FiLs laptop at his house one of the sites he’d been looking at was to do with, erm, hairy women…

We were tidying up in the labs one day when we got to a random box. First out was a homemade calendar of porn. Next was a box of photos of someone’s trip to Thailand. Complete with ping pong balls and “parties” in a hotel room with 3 naked Thai ladies. Few pics later we understood why he had to pay…..ugly git. Not sure why work was the obvious place to keep them.

And races over nitrogen tri-iodide crystals we’d brewed up in the lab. It’s a detonating explosive, which makes a hell of a bang when hit.

What’s especially funny is to paint it, when wet, onto the bottom of someone’s coffee mug.

Tom B – Member

Who cracks one out to a porn novel in a school toilet ffs!

Seems encouraging, proves he’s not using the pupils as inspiration.