TBH, I’m getting pretty tired of face-to-face altercations when they happen, or ‘obvious annoyance and resentment’ when the arguments aren’t happening!!

Yeah, we have fun times together, but it feels of late the other half is just getting more ‘annoyed’ at me, and then this leads to my frustrations at her…

For example; I’m actually pretty good on teh bike – winning races etc etc. Rather than being met with “oh well done, I’m so proud” it genuinely feels that I’m resented for having a hobby, and doing well at it…

I’ve a constant feeling of guilt whenever I take time ‘for myself’ – such as going for a ride, or ‘fettling in the garage’. She paints a picture I’m there all teh time (which isn’t true) – it jsut feels like the times we spend as a family are immediately forgotton as soon as I go out and do something fun for myself..

For various reasons her ability to do her hobbies have been limited – i get that this in itself is frustrating for her, but I can’t be expected to simply give up everyhting and join her in a pit of gloom…can i???

Meh… More of a rant that a hunt for answers TBH~!!!

(And anytime I do try to help or offer suggestions, it’s met with “STOP BEING ALL GP’Y ON ME!” one cannot win..)

DrP

She’s not called Louise by any chance?

This she is not!

DrP

For various reasons her ability to do her hobbies have been limited – i get that this in itself is frustrating for her

There’s the issue right there. Sort this and job’s a good’un.

Sort this and job’s a good’un.

Oh completely… Which, of course, leads to the next question doesn’t it…
Apart from ‘waving a magic wand’ and fixing the possibly unfixable, taking into account where we are now, and the tools/abilities we have in front of us, what can one do if she’s unabl;e to move on…

I try to make suggestions for hobbies for her. Lone hobbies, and those involving the family…

There comes a point where you think “I can’t face being met with anger and annoyance when trying to help, ergo I’l stop trying to help”…. And I hate feeling like that.

DrP

We usually have one good row a month, only lasts a day. It’s usually when I pass comment on her family being lazy horrible minging selfish parasites who only contact us to try and stick their grubby hand’s into our pockets or to get us to complete diy tasks they or their half wit children are more than capable of doing, if they didn’t spend most of their time smoking or stuffing their fat ugly face’s with cheap takeaway pizza’s and energy drinks whilst sat on their fat diabetic arses. The useless ****.

But outside of that we are a pretty good team, and she is my best mate. I appreciate that’s more an answer to your question rather than any advice. But I enjoyed it.

To be fair – the amount training needed to win races isn’t a few hours a week. It’s 4, 5 or 6 days a week and decent rides when doing them. Perhaps they go fast for you, but many hours sat alone in the house can drag.

I have the opposite problem – my wife and daughter want me out of the house! So I’ve just started a beginners course in archery.

Without going into to much detail what are the reasons your wife can’t do hobbies?

Ah, bugger. Go for a ride to clear your head then……….

Keep trying DrP – do more new stuff together, some of her old stuff, some of her stuff with her mates , something will click. Hopefully.

To be fair – the amount training needed to win races isn’t a few hours a week. It’s 4, 5 or 6 days a week and decent rides when doing them. Perhaps they go fast for you, but two hours sat alone in the house can drag.

Hmm.. genuinely, my training consists of a Tuesday evening ride MOST tuesdays; out the house at 1930, back about 11.
I’ve completely given up weekend rides for the past 18 months.
I pootle on my cargo bike for work – I live about 2 minutes from work….
(It’s recognaised that if I DID actually train, i’d do really quite well nationally etc..but..I choose not to!)*

Without going into to much detail what are the reasons your wife can’t do hobbies?

Some ligamental issues, which really affect her chosen hobby significntly. They don’t seem to be getting better.

DrP

* Edit – Do I feel frustrated that I’m not supported and encouraged.. Yeah, I guess I do feel that…But I recognise that I’m mostly happy doing the riding I do, and what I acheive.
Yak – I try to encourage family bike rides, which I thought she liked – I built her up a lovely little mtb/gravel bike, which she loved. But now it’s all rubbish again… Hmm..

Hmm.. genuinely, my training consists of a Tuesday evening ride MOST tuesdays; out the house at 1930, back about 11.
I’ve completely given up weekend rides for the past 18 months.
I pootle on my cargo bike for work – I live about 2 minutes from work….
(It’s recognaised that if I DID actually train, i’d do really quite well nationally etc..but..I choose not to!)

GIT! I used to train my nuts off to be spat out of the back of a sport race!

My sympathy has run out! 🙂

Oh – and yes me and my missus bicker a lot, but rarely full blown rows.

As for the headline, probably not enough – we’ve had maybe 2/3 major arguments in 9 years and maybe 2/3 smaller ones over frivolous things. Might sound good on paper, but it just means resentment can fester and small things grow.

Anyway, sounds tough. Wives getting all agro because Husbands (it’s usually that way around) are spending time they could spend staring at their phones whilst the TV is on at the same time as them on other things is as old as marriage. That’s usually what it boils down to – ‘selfishness’.

If I knew the answer I’d be rich, Bill Gates rich.

The only advice I can offer is grow thicker skin, because the alternative is to be the dutiful ‘Yes Dear’ broken man. I always think of that bloke on ‘Keeping up appearances’ – I fear that’s what trying for the ‘easy life’ leads to.

Yes dear…..

Send her on a comprehensive bike mechanic training course.

She then  has an absorbing  new hobby which she can do from home and you spend less time fettling your bike.

Everyone’s a winner.

#TeamPCycling

Hobbies is such an odd word, try using interests, passions, whatever, but hobby just paints pictures of building train sets and crochet. Anyway, to the OP.

Clearly there is some underlying issue here about her not being able to do “stuff” and you doing lots of it. 2 things spring to mind. First, try and sit down and establish what an acceptable amount of time (and money?) is for you to spend on your “hobbies” each week/month. This will hopefully lead into a conversation on how it’s important to you and how you can work to make sure it doesn’t impact on family life. Next, talk to her about what she likes and what she wants to do. It absolutely can not be you throwing ideas at her (“you like running don’t you, there’s a club down the road, join that. Have you ever baked, you’d be good at that, try it”), it’s got to be her thinking of thing she wants to do and then you helping her make it happen. If you happen to give up some of your time to help her then I’d suggest that’s no bad thing in the short term. I’d also try and make sure that what she does is not kid-centric as that devalues it to merely glorified child care, make it something for just her.

I speak here from the perspective of a man who always did loads of “stuff” with a wife who did very little. She didn’t really have a hobby as such and so I felt bad about doing so much and she resented the time I used. We had the above conversation, I gave up a bit, she found something she liked doing and that led to all kinds of other things. I now do more than I ever have but she does a lot too so it’s worked out perfectly in the end.

Nopes. Once in 13 years

I try to make suggestions for hobbies for her. Lone hobbies, and those involving the family…

Sue’s involved with this lot:

http://www.womenscentre.org

Runs a few classes, has made some good friends and developed loads of new skills.

Anything similar locally?

Oh, dancing.

A bit of  Northern Soul every few weeks throughout the winter seems to make both of us easier to live with.

Tricky one, it does sound like a ‘her’ problem that she’s making a ‘you’ problem. If you can’t find a mutual hobby (or one for her) then you could try to just be annoying when ‘forced’ to stay in the house. e.g. if Eastenders is on ask a load of questions about who’s who and the plot line, until she asks you to shut up and go and find something else to do…

The key to any successful relationship

Do you have young kids? are you both getting at least 7 hours sleep?
We have a nearly 2 year old and we’ve had a hellish 18 months with the little one. Lack of sleep leads to irratability leads to anger leads to suffering….. err arguments.
Baby is finally sleeping through and our arguments have dropped right off..
Is there anything you can do to make her life easier? I don’t know your home set up but perhaps employ a cleaner or have someone do the ironing. These things don’t cost a great deal but free up valuable time. Also make her feel special, do some romantic things for her, even if this just leaving a note saying ‘i love you’ or ring her at lunchtime to see how she is. Sorry if I’m teaching you to suck eggs.

Tricky one, it does sound like a ‘her’ problem that she’s making a ‘you’ problem.

I suppose ‘her’ problems are ‘you’ problems in a marriage, and vice versa. Her being pissed off at your activities shouldn’t necessarily be taken at face value (she doesn’t want you to do X), but possibly as an expression of her frustration at her health issues in comparison with your good health and fitness.

This is emotional abuse and you need to leave her now before her behaviour gets worse. Is she violent? Think she might be having an affair?

I get the ‘all you care about is your effing bike’ treatment quite regularly.  she has a point…

We very, very rarely argue, but we are both quite active people, with some shared interests….

Everyone, and everyones relationships are different and there is no “right” its what works for you both…

That being said, I have been in relationships before where I do “stuff” and she doesn’t…

I have also seen lots of friends in the same situation, where they do “stuff” and the other one doesn’t….

Only once have I seen it actually work, when he goes off does his hobbies and she happily doesn’t….

Most of the time, it leads to resentment of the one going off and doing stuff, even if it isn’t really that often, and its not conflicting with other plans, and they do their fair share (or more than their fair share) of suff round the house.

I couldn’t stick a relationship where we argued often.

So, either you tough it out, and as above its probably a difficult conversation where you explain how she is making you feel when you go to do your hobby, agreeing whats acceptable, and getting her to see whats really going on (or you see whats really going on, in case its actually you being unreasonable and impacting on her…..)

Either she makes peace with it, and finds a way of getting over her issues, be that accepting it, or finding something to do herself, or it (for me would be) probably the end of things between us….

Lunge – I think what you’re writing holds true.
I can definitely see myself as being guilty of being a ‘fix it man’… “you got a problem..here’s a solution” type responses. I guess I’m kind of like it at work too a bit.. However, at work, if I suggest something important to health, and a patinet declines to accept my help, I can shrug my shoulders, say “I tried” and it’s not adversely affecting my home or or family life…

And yep, have 2 young kids. The youngest is super clinigy to mum – annoyingly so. I’ma  really involved dad TBH – take them swimming (on my own), happy to spend all day with teh kids if needed. Basically, I know i’d actually be fine if it was just me bringing up the kids… that’s a concnerning thought isn’t it…

And we’ve a cleaner… And I do all the cleaning and ironing at home too…..!

I realise that I do need to do more to make her feel more special and be more romantic. But.honestly, from my side it all feels unappreicated, and then it comes back to the feeling from my perspective of ‘why bother..she’s made up her mind on me..”…

DrP

When I met my now wife, over 6 years ago I told her from day one “Never ask me to choose between you and riding bikes”. She has never asked.

Massive and potentially insulting statement to follow, apologies but…

In my experience, women don’t really appreciate you trying to “fix their problems” but if you express how you “feel” and talk about how she feels… then they relate to that…

Then you need to express how you want to be there for her, and will support her with what she decides, and hope she will support you as well….

That seems quite callous and crass written down, but hopefully you get where I am coming from….

You need to validate her feelings rather than offer solutions, as I am regularly reminded!

Apparently Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is a good read, but I wouldn’t know as I gave it to a Charity shop of which I am also regularly reminded….

All the time about stupid nonsense (getting lost in the car, being late, out of date yoghurt…), but never about anything serious (money, future plans, the kids…). It do think that sometimes my very existence seems to bother her, and to be fair some of the time I deserve a good yelling at.

I’m quite quiet and emotionless (the major problem tbh) and she is a bit of a fireball.

We have been together for 18 years though, I’ve not been murdered and we always make up.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zrLq6zW3UI

EDITED for unfortunate nip-slip on family site!

No, we don’t ever argue.

However, we’ve not met another couple that don’t argue, or at least bicker, so I’m not sure what’s going on as “not arguing” should be a major factor in having a relationship with someone imo!

Arguing seems to be an accepted part of a modern relationship, so what do I know.

Sounds rubbish that it’s happening. All I can suggest is forgiveness, not holding a grudge, laughing honestly about whatever it is,  and making the first non judgemental step after a disagreement. If this doesn’t work work then it’s time to really start thinking about it. It’s a short time on this planet to spend it arguing!

what doe she want from you and what you do want from her. I have to say several incidents with Jnr has helped galvanise our relationship as we worked through it together.

One thing I realised is perspectives and priorities change and if your other half is going to be there when things get tough ( not just the petty things).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ahf2B_eZUc4

Hope it all works out for you and mrsP

“Nopes. Once in 13 years”

…Still not speaking?

TBH my OH is pretty much exactly the same, and it completely sucks the fun out of going for a ride (or going Sailing which is my weekend hobby) when you know you’ll be coming back to a sulk.

It has got better since she started going to the gym regularly with one of her friends (3-4 times a week), which means there’s now as many days of the week where I have to be the one at home making sure dinner is cooked for when she gets back.

But she does also completely fail to grasp how much competitive hobbies can mean, to me it’s a big deal if I go for a weekends racing and come mid fleet or sneak a top 10 result rather than making up the numbers.

It’s the same with career stuff, she did a qualification last year and got a promotion as a result this year and I gave here a lot of support through that, both having to actually teach her how to write a business report that was coherent and understandable (my first go with the red pen did result in tears!) and praise/presents when she passed and again on her promotion. Now  I’ve had a couple of shit years career wise but do occasionally get lucky and make decent sums of money a few times a year (like I’ll get +30% of my annual salary in a month as a bonus on a project then be back to basic for 3 months) and she can’t ever seem to view those as a glass half full moment, it’s not “well done you worked hard for that” it’s “well that barely makes up for you being shit for the last 3 months”.

I think it’s partially my fault for being a bit of a pushover, I give her too many carrots and in return all I get is sticks.  Sometimes I do feel like I need to actually have a go at her to remind her that a) she’s not perfect and that she is capable of doing things that aren’t, and b) that someone having a go at you is really shit.

I’d be careful that you don’t get into a pattern of appeasing her – it sounds like you’ve already been very flexible.I got into a similar pattern when I was married and it became the norm to be the one keeping the peace, the one the kids wanted time with , I think a frank discussions possibly with some support from Relate about who wants what and how it can be reconciled , there does get to be a point where you lean so far that you fall on your arse.

IME it’s better all round to avoid arguing and bottle it all up.

Have you tried totting up how much time you have on your own to do stuff (anything) against how much time she has?  I actually get it in the neck for not taking as much time to myself as my wife does, but that is my problem and it does not get on my nerves.  We do actually clock the amount of time that we have and talk if it gets out of balance.  I found a book by Michael Rosen, called Goodies and Daddies, made some really interesting points.  One was that work is not just what we get paid for, but all the other stuff that makes a household tick.  Once we had clocked that then we could see if either of us was out of order, especially when the kids were young.  This all went to pot when my wife had chronic fatigue and we are five years in but the balance is just about being restored.  It helps as the kids are older, but we do have to check in with each other that it is all ok.

It looks like you are pretty sorted as far as a balance in childcare, but if you are able to what you like when you like and she is more restricted then a bit of friction may come from there as well.  Only telling you what you already know, but it may take an honest conversation about how both of you react to the situation to find out what is really at the bottom of it.

Treat them mean to keep them keen…( an old saying )

I’ve always subscribed to this theory with my current partner..and we have been together for twenty years with a fifteen year old son ..

Having said that it took me two previous attempts to work that out as I was too soft in my previous marriage & another long term relationship where I let my daughter’s mother become too controlling .

Going back to that statement above ..in no way do I mean become physically or mentally violent ..just a little rogueish at times with a couldn’t give a **** attitude ..dont get me wrong though I occasionally go too far and bring her right up to boiling point and then I need to get out of the way ..but those times are few and far between and it’s over before it gets started .( never let an arguement fester ..saying sorry even if it’s not your fault ..works 9 times out of 10 )

It also helps that she is 17 years younger than me & I still fancy her like mad ..and let her know that on a daily basis ..not that my advances get a result every day mind ..far from it !😁

Bottom line is though ..if it’s not working and can’t be fixed ..move on.

Life is too short to be miserable ..

Divorce.

LTB.

…only joking, but would she consider going to see another GP?

And yes we argue a fair bit, about different stuff. She is happy for me to ride more than you do, even though I’m unlikely to ever see the top of a podium. I’m sole breadwinner and probably do more than half the chores, so I think I get cut a bit of slack on that front.

The clingy kid will most likely grow out of it soon-ish, both ours did.

It’s usually when I pass comment on her family being lazy horrible minging selfish parasites who only contact us to try and stick their grubby hand’s into our pockets or to get us to complete diy tasks they or their half wit children are more than capable of doing, if they didn’t spend most of their time smoking or stuffing their fat ugly face’s with cheap takeaway pizza’s and energy drinks whilst sat on their fat diabetic arses. The useless ****.

Dunno if you meant this to be funny, but it gave me a chuckle in what I expected to be a darker thread.

😀

tbh ive got exactly the same as the original post with mine 🙂

Tried getting her into hobbies and that went badly. had to hold out for a while till she found something that someone else suggested (parkrun) even though i had offered it an an idea many times before. You kind of feel like ffs but thats not the point.

The only way i could get out is if i “arrange” her to go out more times than i do. Otherwise it doesn’t work. If your racing this would almost be impossible i think.

I had a bit of a wobble last year and ended up saying that i cant carry on with that the way she resented me going out. It was all based on the fact that we were both suffering with depression. Now after weve had that chat were a lot more supportive to each other. It was a horrible place to be though but i guess it had to happen.