No, not me.
My unfortunate brother is on his way to getting reamed a new one isn’t he?

6yr marriage, he’s the primary earner (by a factor of 3x probably).
4yr old daughter.

He’s happy to have joint custody of their daughter and he will modify his working (he’s a freelancer) so he’s at home, not working, when he needs to be caring for their daughter.

“Fortunately” theyve been in rented accomodation up to the point of separation, although they have a house that’s let out, and it has some equity in it, I was rather expecting that he’s not going to see any of that.

I get that he might as well give up a chunk of assets, but I from my reading on wikivorce, it seems he could also have to pay out a load of cash to snaketits every month for the rest of his life as well, even if he has joint and equal custody. Is that right? It’s not like his soon-to-be-ex cant increase her hours at her work, just as he’s reducing his hours, and support herself. Does she have a free meal ticket out of him for life now?

Not that it helps but why didn’t alarm bells ring when she introduced herself as “hi, I’m sanketits” I’d have run a mile…. 😉

When I got divorced I’d been married for 5 years with 2 kids. My solicitor advised that we hadn’t been married long enough for me to have to pay my ex any maintenance. I just pay for the kids welfare. She never contested it and I reckon she would if there was any chance of shafting me further. Not sure what time frame exists for the ‘keeping her in the manner she’s become accustomed to’ rule.

Joining the French Foreign Legion

Why is he getting divorced? Which grounds?

Why is he getting divorced? Which grounds?

She doesnt like him and thinks she would be much happier just with his money.

I’m quite ignorant in these cases. Out of interest then is maintenance paid in respect of the cost of child care or just as a ‘meal ticket’?

using the wikivorce calculator even if each partner’s outgoings are the same, the simple fact that he earns more than her, means he has to pay a child maintenance as well as a spousal maintenance apparently. That just doesnt make sense to me, surely maintenance should be based on need, not inequality of income after the divorce? Or am I being a terrible misogynst/dinosaur/WASP?

I think unless he is loaded then he would only be expected to pay for the child, IANAL
Also if he is freelance can he not cut his hours/earnings before any legal hearing.

https://www.gov.uk/how-child-maintenance-is-worked-out/how-the-child-maintenance-service-works-out-child-maintenance

and if they have joint and equal custody, why does he need to “pay” for the other half of child care when he’s “paying” for his half?

because he is a man, I’ve yet to meet a man who has come out of a divorce without having his balls wrung out.

There was a recent case on this.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/law-and-order/11429864/Divorced-wife-told-to-get-a-job-and-stop-living-off-her-ex.html
Just hire the same solicitor.

And women bang on about equality eh. This is one of those areas that suggests equality is only desirable when it’s conveniet.

Very easy to be cynical about this as a bloke. Not yet met a man who thinks he got a good deal.

The law needs to change to a presumption of equal custody and a fairer share of costs.

Definitely one to mention to any prospective parliamentary candidates who knock on your door in the next few weeks.

it seems that the distinction comes at the point at which a parent is defined as a “paying” and a “receiving” parent,

“The ‘paying parent’ is the parent who doesn’t have main day-to-day care of the child. The ‘receiving parent’ is the parent with main day-to-day care of the child.”

why can they not be equal?

Hmmmmmmm, I kept the house and contents, and was awarded full custody of both daughters. It can work out more ‘favourable’ to the bloke if the circumstances dictate as such.

This is of no help (and I know nothing about the matter) but a chap I know has walked away from his wife and two boys for a much younger model. He’s an arse because his wife is quite young, very nice [and fit].
That aside, he earns about £120k/year apparently and now has to give his ex the equivalent of about £50k/year.
😯

Sanity Assassin – tell your solicitor to contact Grumpy Mark about advertising on the site!

Sharkbait – sounds fair if he’s abandoned them

Until fairly recently, the system of child maintenance had no way of dealing with separated or divorced parents who share the day to day care of their child(ren) equally. But, as far as i know, that has now changed and although the terms “main carer”, “paying parent” and “receiving parent” seem to still be applied, if the care is equal then no payment need be made.

See bottom of page 29 of the following government guide…
Government child maintenance service guide

To give an alternative view, when I got divorced (12 years marriage, 1 child) we split the capital about 50:50, and I paid a bit over 1/3 of my salary in maintenance. It was a big financial burden but what do you want, for the ex and child to live in penury. Maintenance for spouse for up to 5 years is normal, child maintenance until they’re 18. Men tend to whinge about divorce settlements, but also tend to end up doing better in the long run. This is a statistical average, so don’t bother with the “my mate ended up living in a bedsit whil his wife entertained a string of lovers in their 12 bedroom mansion” stories.

Also note that unless extreme, like heroin addiction or major abuse, behaviour of either party makes no difference to the financial arrangement.

Sorry to hear about your brother, but he needs to be firm, negotiate a fair settlement (ie: both parties are equally pissed off) and move on. Sounds like he’ll be better off, emotionally and probably financially, in the long run..

thanks larry – I’d “read” that doc, but missed that bit at the bottom of p29. You would have thought they could have made it more prominent.

I will pass it on.

cheers Hugh.
Penury for snaketits is not the plan, afterall his daughter will be with her for 3.5 days a week. But she’s taken him for a ride long enough already, it would be perverse to keep her in jolly on his hard work.

I didn’t mean to be too critical in my post, but divorce is about the only area where misogyny still seems to be acceptable. Of course there are horrible manipulate women, just as there are horrible manipulative men, but there is plenty of evidence that women suffer more financial hardship after divorce.

Take some legal advice fInd a good mediator, and be reasonable and fair but firm about what he needs to live on. That’s what I did 7 years ago, and looking back it worked out ok for everyone. I’m even quite friendly with the ex now.

Divorces left, right and center among people I know this year. My observation about their various settlements: although gender plays a big role, i.e. women seem to get a good deal, it tends to come down to who is the nastier party, e.g. using mindgames, lawyering up, poisening the kids against the ex, until the other partner just caves in. I have seen a depravity to human nature which they don’t teach you about in school.

What’s the deal if there’s no kids involved?

He is lucky if he is a freelancer

CSA payments are based on income [ if she applies to them they take 10 % iirc so there is an incentive to be nice to each other] and as he is self employed he can earn less than the minimum wage from the company.

He may then be fortunate enough to be the sole receiver of dividends for the company he works for* but unfortunately the CSA only base payments on wages.

Few years out of date and not sure if they have cottoned on up to this “trick”.

Has she filed yet?
if not get him to file as she then pays his legal fees for the divorce if the grounds are her behaviour

* other arrangements can be made but you are nearing fraud such as you own the company and “gift” him lots of money every year

Should probably avoid getting married if you are worried about being shafted in a divorce.

@stoner – mail me if you want details of a first class lawyer.

why can they not be equal?

No reason why they can’t. Doesn’t have to involve lawyers at all.

not being helpful.. but it baffles me, who is in his right mind sign a piece of paper that you are made aware of that if situations goes south..your property(ies) will be split in half or taken away from you as well as you will have to pay a maintenance bullshit to a person who is once a stranger? good god people

hope your brother gets a fair deal

I was married for 15 years with 3 children before the dragon decided to trade me in. We had a house on a joint mortgage but decided to just sell as quickly as possible so ended up with very little equity. £2000 IRC, I told my solicitor to let her have the lot after being told as there was children involved and she was the main carer for the children she would get 70% of all equity. That’s all I pay now is CSA for my children. I know of other people that have been well and truly hung out to dry by the system.

I have a family member that went through the same process. There’s an amount of money to be paid for the kids welfare – totally justified in my book – and a second amount of money to pay for the Ex should she “not be able to provide for herself within reason”

The biggest bone of contention with the latter is that if she has a contributory boyfriend who doesn’t put his name to the address its not considered part of her financial income, so he has to keep paying it, and as long as she can find the right reasons for avoiding work – he has to keep paying it. However I’m my family members circumstances one of their 3 kids is disabled and pretty much needs full time care, the other two are young and in primary school so you can see how adding a job to this is quite difficult.

TBH she’s been quite fair IMO, its my relation thats been arse in all this for reasons which I’m not going into – he forced it to go legal and this is the result.

Marriage was described to me by a mate who’d just been royally shafted in a divorce settlement as ‘finding someone you used to like, and buying them a house’

And so it came to pass. I got to keep the clothes I was stood up in. Just!

Tom B – if you’re a man you get royally shafted as well. Been there.

Binners quote is bang on. But I’m not bitter, oh no…….

There does, from anecdotal tales of divorcee friends, still seem to be a general bias that the man should pay.

Personally speaking my wife earns more than me and we’ve taken (mutually-agreed) life decisions which have undoubtably impacted my career and earning potential – but if the worst ever happened I’m fairly sure I’d still get shafted.

Perhaps the rise of gay marriage will assist divorce courts in updating their apparent gender bias?