is it odd to dislike your own child?

got 2 kids, my son is 23, cracking lad, pleasant to be with, helpful, respectful of others.
my daughter is 19 in a month. hateful, spiteful, horrible girl. if she were a son i would have knocked her senseless.
she lies at will, steals any cash that is left out, to the point that my wife and myself take any valuables to bed with us. she went in the army at 16, lasted 2 month. then did nothing for 18 month, her mother subsidised her, paying her £30 per month phone bill. i gave her nothing since she walked out of the army.
in the last 6 month, she has gone through 4 jobs, sacked from 2 for not going, and the others for not being suitable.
we both work fulltime, always have.
we dont see her now from 1 week to the next, she comes home to get clothes while we are at work, leaving piles of mucky stuff for my wife to wash.
she stays at friends or at a boyfriend who we think is in his mid 20’s.
i bumped into a friend who she said she was staying with, the friend told me she had not seen her for 3 month.
i have no idea if she is on drugs, but it would not suprise me.
we went away for 2 week recently, on the friday we went, she got a payment from the last job. £900 of which she owed my wife £400
when we came back from holiday, we saw her for 5 mins, enough time for her to get some clothes. my wife asked her about the money, she said she had spent it all in the 2 weeks. we had stocked the fridge/cupboards with food prior to going away. it all had to be thrown away, so she had not been home.
i found out that she had been to my mothers whilst we were away, crying the poor tale and borrowing from her. i have not seen her since friday, i fear that i will chin her when i do.
she show nobody any respect or pleasentness at all. i realy do sislike her, to the point of hate.

I blame the parents.

Difficult one. Once they become adults you’ve got to hope you’ve steered them in the right direction and a lot of bad ‘uns come good with the right support.

Give her time mate, 19’s only young.

Chekwkw I think that’s very inappropriate and you should remove your post in the 14 minutes you have left, highly offensive for gods sake have some empathy with the poor bloke.

Can’t advise ton sorry, mine are 3 and 7 so I’m still in the non rebellious stages, but good luck and I hope it works out for the good.

Has she always shown signs of being like this? If so, you might look up oppositional defiant disorder, conduct disorder, and antisocial behaviour disorder.

It could be that she is not entirely in control of her own responses.

Really feel for you. As the dad of a pair of young’uns, this is probably one of my biggest paranoid parent fears. I don’t know what to suggest, but whatever you do, good luck. (I suspect chinning her wouldn’t end well though, however deserved 😉 )

Sorry to hear this ton – awful thing for a parent

As always seek professional help

My aunt and uncle have had a similar thing with my cousin. It was first manifested itself through an eating disorder and quickly spiralled into drugs, theft and other self-destruct mechanisms. Sorry to say that despite a lot of help, 30 years later the problems remain although more manageable.

At one stage they were advised to cut their daughter of completely. A nightmare scenario and one that required wider family support ie we could help her when she cam trying to ask for help/steal off us

I was tempted not to respond as my Aunt and Uncles experience has been desperate – they lost a son to injuries from a MTB accident too – but I chose to respond for three reasons

1. Sympathy and genuine best wishes
2. Advice FWIW to get proper professional help early
3. Think medium term – it could be a phase that is controllable more easily at this stage. I know this is obvious but it gets MUCH harder if it goes on into 20-30s

Very best of luck

Not odd. Sounds like you are being really sensible in a tough situation. 19 is still young.

I’m sure you’ve mentioned not her before Ton it’s an awful situation to be in as she is your daughter. It sounds to me like she has some issues going on that you may need her help to address that isn’t going to be easy to do and it is possibly mental health issues.

Best of luck to you and thoughts with you.

Apology Ton with my response above.

I am not trying to be unsympathetic there but just that it happened to us and I am not sure how to describe the situation nicely …

Chewkw – inappropriate. post reported.

Ton – we are kind of used to the idea boys grow up, become feral, nasty, perhaps on the edges of the law and drugs, but usually, usually come back to sense by the time they are 25 ish, and then turn out to be fairly strict parents themselves.

But it must be so much more difficult with a girl, and girls play the game at a higher level. Other than warn family and friends, and ask them not to give her money or believe her, so she has to find a different way to live and cannot lie and scam her way through life, I don’t know… I’d be changing the locks. 🙁

Stoatsbrother – Member
Chewkw – inappropriate. post reported.

What happened to my cousin is exactly that. It is real.

Not created by me nor a story that I have made up just to wind people up.

I have apologised to Ton for my description but that is our personal experience and I am telling as I know how.

must be awful for you, sympathies. I agree that 19’s only young,

it’s hard trying to find out who you are, what you’re doing, what you’re supposed to be…easy to get into behaviour that’s destructive and obliterating…Any nuetrals that you could both trust to have a conversation “through”?

best of luck.

Sounds rough. Try to hate what she’s doing, and not to hate her so much. Sounds like so many of us as teenagers until we found our directions, though few of us acted up and were spiteful. You’ll get through it, but if it’s as tough as it seems, don’t be afraid to seek outside help, though I’m not sure which agency wants to deal with over 18s.

chewkhposts crossed, glad you apologised. Not every thing true is useful or appropriate to say to a man in pain looking for hope.

‘I love him because he’s my son, but I hate him as a person’ were the words out my Mrs mouth when the boy was 19, he’s 25 now and just finished uni and on course for a good grade so don’t give up hope,
But don’t be taken for a mug either.. Good luck.

Went/going through a similar situation, twin boys turned 18 last week, 1 fantastic to be around, pleasant, now doing a college course and supplementing it with part time work at local supermarket, do anything for anyone…the other, hmmm, strangled his Mother to the point of unconsciousness, threw her and his brother down the stairs, extremely aggressive and had to be removed to Foster care at age 15. Although the aggression now seems to have disappeared, he lies excessively, even about minor minor things where he knows he will be found out, is short and snappy all the time and not just with his parents, but it seems most people (other than 2-3 core friends who are seem to be the local ‘bad’ boys). Caught him stealing many a time, cant reason with him – he is now attending a course where he gets a bursery for going, though there is no qualification at the end, has no qualifications (bunked off school for the final year) and absolutely no intention of getting a job 🙁
What to do? I dont know, they are your flesh and blood and I think you need to be there for them ‘almost’ to the point of no matter what. You can let them know you are not pleased with their attitude etc or whatever it is but ensure they know that you do really still love them – there could be allsorts going on in her head, or in the background (we have suspicions our son is gay and is ‘scared’ to come out – it would explain a few things if I’m honest). I think we just muddle along with it, he knows he is loved, and we will do what we can to help him, but he also knows we are no pushover and we disapprove of lots of the things he has done.
Feel for you, horrible situation, happy to go into a bit more detail in pm if you think it may help..

My son is 18, if I had my life to live again I’d ask to fast forward the last four years. T’ain’t easy. But he’s doing fine, even if I’ve found it demoralising. I’m hoping things improve when he leaves. *ticks another day off*

I think Chewkw’s post is appropriate. A good friends’s sister who kindly put us up for a week related her youthful excesses to us over dinner. The bottom line was that she had picked up AIDs, and is no longer with us. With that in mind I’ve been errr “firm” with junior on some points.

On the financial front I’ll keep bankrolling his lifestyle but on the basis of receipts.

Don’t give up, Ton. And don’t get too heavy either. Madame keeps asking me to “faire le dos rond”. Which roughly translated means being shat on and not complaining about the smell. I stink.

khani’s post above gives some hope.

But I think you’ve illustrated the fears of many of the STW parents of toddlers, young teens etc. ie that no matter what value we try to instil (and I guess we all try to work in roughly the same ones), some of them will go off the rails and give you sleepless nights. At least she’s only 19 – there’s plenty of time for her to turn things around – but I think you guys need to find out what’s going on with her rather than being a safety net and a laundry service.

Best of luck and hope for a good outcome.

i would have knocked her senseless

i fear that i will chin her

You know, I think maybe you (as a family unit) need to find a way of communicating that doesn’t include anger and threats.

Set some boundaries re the disrespectful behaviour, and be respectful yourself. Make sure you & your wife stand firm and together, otherwise she will exploit any disagreement between you. For example, decide with your wife how much money, if any, you’re giving her, then ensure both of you stick to it. Don’t enable her by picking her dirty clothes off the floor. She’s old enough to use a washing machine.

And another thing, where is her home? It seems that at the moment she has at least two. If she is to live in your home, then the respectful thing to do would be to tell you when you can expect her back, if she’s going out.

As for the stealing, tell her calmly that if she steals from you again, you will call the police. And then do it!

She might not like these boundaries, but it seems like she is aimless and lost. I think she needs some tough love, and will (secretly) appreciate it.

Echo above, awful situation.

Ex Mrs Houns eldest lad who’s 15 is turning in to his dad who is a psychopath. It was horrible to see and I didn’t cope with it (nor is she). Thing was he is a good intelligent lad but it’s like Jekyll and Hyde.

I’d suggest (obvious assume already done so) talking to her about it. Not screaming and shouting but talking. Take her out, to the pub, sit down as adults over a pint and talk, tell her you love her but you’re scared of what is happening to her, ask her if you can help and ask if she wants help getting help.
There may be many underlying causes of her behavior but she needs to know that she’s loved and that you want to help

I can offer nothing other than sympathy (as we have cats instead of children and even they keep me up at night sometimes).

One thing I forgot – try to dislike her behaviour not her – unconditional love may be difficult but its important

All,

I have apologised to Ton.

I have emailed Ton to offer my apology.

I know I might have expressed myself too directly because of my own experience and thought that is the way to describe the situation.

There is No intention to make light of the situation.

Apart from Ton who I have apologised via email, if you think my comment is also inappropriate to you then I apologise to you too.

I apologise to the following STW members for my comments:

Stoatsbrother
Edukator

p/s: Edukator – My uncle passed away about a month ago after so many years of worry so I am not making light of the situation.

Can’t comment from a parents perspective (kid free, plan to stay that way), but when I was 19 I had a similarly atrocious lack of resection for parents and family and was generally a right cant with a very poor relationship with my folks (trouble with police, drugs and most other things you can imagine – although I never thieved off them). However by my mid 20’s I’d grown up and matured and started to rebuild the relationship with them. Took Iong while for them to trust me again, but by my 30’s id never been closer to them. I guess what I’m saying is, people do change as they grow up. Don’t abandone all hope just yet. At the end of the day, you can only do what you can do – you choose your friends l, not your family unfortunately

I was horrid at 19. I was also on drugs (weed/speed habit).
I was doing nothing. My dad had enough and asked me to leave. I did all the stealing money, ditching jobs etc.

Looking at it as a 32 year old I found (and still do) my old man cold. I was misunderstood, I just wanted to be listened to.

My dad did the tough love thing and left me to get on with it and offered no financial help but would check to see I was still alive.

Took me until I was 21 to see the light, knuckle down and make something of myself.

I think tough love works. Just feel I needed a bit more of the said love.

Make sure she’s safe and warm and listen/advise but do nothing else I think, that includes money, washing etc.

Good luck.

I’ve seen something similar in my wife’s family – her cousins kids. Grew up, to be fair in challenging circumstances – lost father at young age, mother wasn’t much of a disciplinarian and used to let them have their own way, didn’t create boundaries, they basically ran riot in their later teenage years and into their early 20’s, pretty selfish and unpleasant. However stick in there because from a combination of the parent being there all the time for them despite their behaviour, and a bit of growing up of their own (and a few big disappointments and let down’s in their lives) they seem to have straightened themselves out and are all normal likeable people now. Maybe it’s part of the natural growing process.

I guess as parents there comes a point where we are no longer the only or main influence in our kids lives and they may allow themselves to be influenced by other outside sources and behave in a way parents might not like or approve of. But we have no choice but to always be there for them and let them find their own way. I think it’s OK not to like them from time to time, as long as you’re always there for them.

Mine are 6 and 9 and i’m sh1t scared of them growing up.

You see that Houns despite all your worries you are a wonderful person, but we knew that & you need to understand it as well.

I have a fair few issues with my life & family but this place really does help you get through things.

Lets all be thankful for our disparate lives but shared humanity.

I was a total arsehole when I was 19 and look at me now………OK maybe not.

As above she’s young you may well need to seek help but giving up on her us not going to make it easier for her to turn it around

chewkw, i have got your email, i didnt see your initial post, i was out with the dog.

hebdencyclist, i have never threaghtened her with either, these are just my thoughs.

me and my daughter have got to the stage where we dont even talk, i dont suffer fools, my wife is a bit softer, my daughter realises this. my wife keeps tabs on her via text.

thanks for all the comments and advice everyone.

MrOvershoot well said, when this place is good its great to be here

Houns read yer earlier post stick in there fella your a decent guy nothing stays the same forever especially the crap stuff

ton Kids eh ..I feel your pain three daughters here ,oldest 16 teenage meltdowns are a regular occurrence in this household nothing major but sometimes difficult to feel that love you have for them admittedly its mellowed slightly in the past year but im not holding my breath they remain that way …19 is still young she’ll grow up ..hopefully

Tough love
Don’t wash their clothes
Don’t lend them money
Don’t give them money
Don’t pay for mobile phones
Don’t feed them
Don’t give them a roof over their heads if they steal from you
Don’t go down the nick if the police have them
Don’t hit them
Don’t shout at them
Don’t do anything for them
They will sort themselves out
None of the above means you don’t love them

Just read your last post
Don’t text them –

@thm – you mention professional help – can you elucidate a bit more on what you mean? I am in a similar – but less serious -position, and the problem is that of course my daughter does not want to get help with the issues that lead her to behave in this way, and I’m not sure what resources exist to help me to interact with her.

Sorry if this is a bit of a hijack.

They will sort themselves out
None of the above means you don’t love them

And if they don’t – don’t have the resources to get the better of their problems – how far are you wiliing to watch them sink? homelessness? drugs? prostitution?

My two penneth….I understand that comms between you are irretrievably destroyed, but clearly an adult guiding hand would be helpful.

Do you have a family friend or relative who she likes and respects who could possibly meet her and try and mentor her through this stage? Obviously no guarantees, but I could never speak to my parents when I went through a bad teenage phase, but there were people I would speak to.

Hi ton, sorry I don’t have anything to suggest over and above what’s been suggested above, but wanted to offer my sympathy. Could you perhaps get family counselling or someone to mediate a discussion between you?

Tough love
Don’t wash their clothes
Don’t lend them money
Don’t give them money
Don’t pay for mobile phones
Don’t feed them
Don’t give them a roof over their heads if they steal from you
Don’t go down the nick if the police have them
Don’t hit them
Don’t shout at them
Don’t do anything for them
They will sort themselves out
None of the above means you don’t love them

FROM EXPERIENCE OF FREINDS KIDS, THAT ABOVE IS THE BEST ADVICE.She is useing you as a crutch to support her way of life, remove the crutch and she will soon relearn to walk

time is a great healer as is her getting pregnant and having a kid also the more you give the more they want, dont give, just listen ,otherwise it will destroy you and your family

All,

I have apologised to Ton.

I have emailed Ton to offer my apology.

I know I might have expressed myself too directly because of my own experience and thought that is the way to describe the situation.

There is No intention to make light of the situation.

Apart from Ton who I have apologised via email, if you think my comment is also inappropriate to you then I apologise to you too.

I apologise to the following STW members for my comments:

Stoatsbrother
Edukator

p/s: Edukator – My uncle passed away about a month ago after so many years of worry so I am not making light of the situation.

You’re a complete idiot sometimes Chewy – but not many would post an actual apology. Tons one of the people on here, who deserves one.

That’s really tough, Ton.

But it’s important not to let this cause a rift between you and Mrs Ton, when you have different approaches to the situation. Neither of you are right or wrong, just trying to do the best for your daughter.