dilema. cancer again.

Viewing 40 posts - 1 through 40 (of 51 total)
  • dilema. cancer again.
  • ton
    Member

    got a message this morning from a friend, who is passing a message on to me from a old girl friend.
    she is dying from cancer. it is going to be pretty soon by the sounds of it.
    she has asked to see me. thing is I have not seen her for 30 years.

    I am in 2 minds has what to do. didn’t want to ask the wife’s advice incase she takes it the wrong way. but I feel I should. the wife knows her through me.

    scotroutes
    Member

    Mention it to your wife. No need to ask permission.

    shermer75
    Member

    I don’t think your wife is going to be jealous if she is dying.

    If you don’t go you’ll regret it.

    Go.

    johndoh
    Member

    She is someone from your past and wants to say goodbye. It might be the most innocent thing in the world.

    However…

    What if she dropped a huge bombshell ie, ‘I had an abortion when we were dating’ or ‘I always loved you and wish we could have stayed together forever’ – you could very easily hear something that might effect you and your ongoing relationships.

    I would really struggle with making that decision myself and I guess it would depend on how things finished with the person in question.

    Spin
    Member

    Assuming she’s not a mass murderer or something the dilemma is not whether to go but just how to handle it.

    Premier Icon fadda
    Subscriber

    Agree with the above – your wife should understand and you may well regret not going, if you don’t.

    gonefishin
    Member

    There was ex girlfriend that I would have loved the chance to say goodbye to before she died. I didn’t find out about her death until much later. I’d take the opportunity if I were you.

    There is no dilemma. You do what is needed and go and see her. I can’t believe you’re even asking ….

    Premier Icon woody2000
    Subscriber

    Just do it Tony. I think if someone I hadn’t seen for 30 years wanted to say goodbye before they died I’d be hard pushed to say no. Even if they just wanted to call me a ****, I’d still go.

    If  I were your wife, I’d be more pissed off that you’d asked for advice on here before asking me.

    Speak to your wife and go. Maybe she’ll go with you?

    Dolcered
    Member

    In the circumstances I wouldn’t mind if my oh was asked.

    Premier Icon BigJohn
    Subscriber

    If I asked somebody to see me before I died (whatever the reason, bombshell or not) I’d be pretty upset if it didn’t happen.
    However it might be hard to answer your wife’s question “What did she say?”.

    Premier Icon wwaswas
    Subscriber

    Can I go against the prevailing sentiment and say that I probably wouldn’t go.

    I can’t imagine anything that would be said after 30 years that would be emotionally constructive for either person.

    fasthaggis
    Member

    I have done this.
    It was hard at the time,but I am glad I did it.
    My wife completely understood.

    What if she dropped a huge bombshell ie, ‘I had an abortion when we were dating’

    Or a bigger bombshell….that she didn’t?

    Premier Icon FuzzyWuzzy
    Subscriber

    Would depend a bit on how the previous relationship was really (also seems odd to me a dying person would want to contact someone they hadn’t seen for 30 years). If you were really close and she’s just going through a list of things to close off in her life then I’d go, if it was a toxic relationship or one that ended badly I’m not sure what the point would be for either of you and would just risk opening old wounds.

    johndoh
    Member

    Or a bigger bombshell….that she didn’t?

    Exactly – some doors might be best left closed.

    ton
    Member

    we went out for about 6 month. we were not really close, more drinking buddies with benefits.
    she has a 22 year old daughter to a bloke I know.

    gonna seek my wifes advice.

    FunkyDunc
    Member

    Personally I find it a bit odd. No contact for 30 years and now she wants to chat ?

    In some respects it’s selfish on her part to request a visit

    Then again she might be a multi millionaire and wants to leave her fortune to OP.

    she has a 22 year old daughter to a bloke I know.

    As long as you weren’t together about 23 years ago.

    Ask the missus, definitely. Depends on what kind of relationship it was, TBH.

    Premier Icon rone
    Subscriber

    It’s different for everyone but as it’s 30 years ago – I would be spending the time with everyone I currently love and are involved with.

    Where’s the cut off? Most of ex’s – I wouldn’t see under any circumstances for reasons of moving on and getting on with my current life.

    So no.

    poolman
    Member

    I d go or you will always regret it. My mate is in her last few months due to cancer and having followed her decline i have vowed never to complain about anything again. It really is a truly shit end to a life.

    Prepare yourself though.

    Spin
    Member

    In some respects it’s selfish on her part to request a visit

    In the circumstances I could forgive that.

    The other side to this is that there’s no bombshell. She maybe just wants to recapture, in some small way, a time in her life that she remembers fondly, while she still can.

    I’d be prepared to give up my time for either scenario if i’m honest.

    If there is a bombshell I’d want to hear it first hand and have the opportunity to ask questions rather than have it dropped later when that chance had passed.

    Premier Icon nedrapier
    Subscriber

    Given how much people rally round on here for complete strangers, it seems odd that people are saying you shouldn’t find some time for someone you do know who’s in a bad way.

    I do get the possibility that you’ll be told something unwelcome, or asked for something you don’t want to give, but I think I’d take the risk.

    It’s already tricky and is going to weigh on your mind either way now she’s asked you to see her. You’re just in “regret something you did do” / “regret something you didn’t do” territory.

    Premier Icon wwaswas
    Subscriber

    I think rallying round for a stranger isn’t the same – the liklihood of personal and familial emotional damage is pretty limited?

    It’s not about the time it’s the possible consequences.

    Premier Icon GrahamS
    Subscriber

    Personally, if it were me, I’d see her without hesitation.
    She knows she is dying, wants to make her peace with the world and say goodbye.

    I would tell my wife but I would be incredibly surprised if she objected or was anything other than completely supportive.

    Premier Icon lunge
    Subscriber

    Personally, I’d not see her. 30 years is a long time ago and I’m not sure any good would come of the meeting.
    But then I have been accused of lacking empathy at times…

    Premier Icon lowey
    Subscriber

    Tell your misses but go.

    Premier Icon GrahamS
    Subscriber

    I’m not sure any good would come of the meeting.

    A dying person gets to feel some small sense of peace and you get to say goodbye to an old friend?

    Premier Icon convert
    Subscriber

    I’d go after telling Mrs C. But I would expect it to have an impact on me and or my current relationship, even if it was only for a short time. Old feelings stirred up by the situation. Your Mrs knowing that you are thinking about someone else no matter that she’s dying.

    footflaps
    Member

    I would go, although my wife would be unhappy about it.

    Premier Icon rickmeister
    Subscriber

    Personally, its not a big dilemma for me… start off with some social media / FB chat to catch up and see how things seem then take a view on going or not. That way had some contact but can manage what happens next with the go/no go question….

    shermer75
    Member

    She may well be feeling guilty about how it ended and wants to apologise so she can pass on with a clear conscience, which is as valid a speculation as the (decidedly more negative ones above) and you’ll never know unless you go. So go.

    Premier Icon lunge
    Subscriber

    A dying person gets to feel some small sense of peace and you get to say goodbye to an old friend?

    I guess I’d not consider anyone I’d not spoken to for 30 years to still be a friend. And I’d also be very suspicious of someone who I’d not seen in that long to be contacting me, from the death bed or otherwise.

    Blackflag
    Member

    Im struggling to see why anyone’s wife would be unhappy. You didn’t ask to meet her, she asked you. You have no idea what its all about.

    just tell her and ask her if she wants to go with you.

    Premier Icon GrahamS
    Subscriber

    Suspicious of what exactly?

    I’m really surprised at some of the responses on here, especially given the generous and emphatic responses in other threads around terminal disease.

    Im struggling to see why anyone’s wife would be unhappy.

    Me too – if my wife was anything other than sympathetic and supportive in that situation then I’d be wondering what I married!

    Premier Icon Del
    Subscriber

    A girl an I’d gone out with for a few years? I’d go. Fwb for 6 months? Hmm.

    tjagain
    Member

    Its a bit odd but my instinct is to go – but speak to your wife first.

Viewing 40 posts - 1 through 40 (of 51 total)

The topic ‘dilema. cancer again.’ is closed to new replies.