Devastated – friends wife died today, advice needed
BH. Catastrophic mind numbing event. There are no words really. We are merely machines at risk of sudden and complete failure. This just doesn’t mix with the love and emotional ties we are capable of making. I am so sorry for your friend’s loss and that of his young babes. I have no kids and cannot offer the advice you seek. Just look after them as much as you can and as much as he needs.Posted 4 years ago
It totally sucks Darcy. I used to be an ICU nurse and only now do I fully understand how absolutely lost and helpless the families I cared for felt when they left the unit after a death.
Having had strength and answers for strangers in a time need I don’t even know where to start with someone I’ve known for yearsPosted 4 years ago
Fortunately for me and my friends terrible events have always been things that happened in other people’s lives but today my best friends previously fit and well wife, mother of his 2 year old and 6 week old baby, died on ICU having had a sudden and completely unexpected cardiac arrest on Sunday.
If anyone can point me towards counselling services for him or has suggestions about how he lets his son know it would be greatly appreciated, all feeling a bit lost at the moment.Posted 4 years agogarage-dwellerSubscriber
Cant give any specific advice (CAB may find some services for you). Also his employer may offer something to staff if large enough to hep with personal crises.
As a dad of two young kids with a similar age gap but a year older I would say that going forward he may need some practical assistance to allow him to focus on the childcare. Simple stuff like getting a food shop in, minding the kids while he does funeral stuff or takes a breather. Kids at those ages are really hard work and doing that on his own will be exhausting and doubly so with his own grief.
Sorry if this is blooming obvious just trying to think what I would try and do if this happened to a mate of mine.
Church (or other religious organisation) might be able to offer some pointers on where to get help and advice but this is or may be dependent on his beliefs (if any).Posted 4 years agomeftyMember
Church (or other religious organisation) might be able to offer some pointers on where to get help and advice but this is or may be dependent on his beliefs (if any).
This – his beliefs will be irrelevant to a priest, they deal with grief on a day to day basis and will be willing to provide help and advice even if he does not want a religious ceremony. They are also used to dealing with people who don’t know where to turn.Posted 4 years agogarage-dwellerSubscriber
Further thought if you are geographically close and have the flexibility to do it you might offer to go and stay for a few days if he doesnt have fit and able relatives nearby. Aim being to look after him so he can do what he needs to. I was blooming knackered when our two were that age and I really ddidnt have to do that much.
Sorry if this all seems a bit practical I’m gutted to read your op and dont even know anyone involved. Just awful.
Mefty – completely agreed but he may have a strong aversion to this route hence my choice of words. Not meaning to suggest church etc wouldnt help. Apols if thats how it came acrossPosted 4 years agoTreksterSubscriber
As everyone has said, not a nice thing to happen.
Possibly the undertakers can give guidance as could family GP.
Social work may be able to help.
Samaritans or Salvation Army if not a church person?
I have just returned to work after a dash to A&E, my father has been admitted after his neighbour found him staggering about in the house breathless. This was my/our 2nd visit to hospital today. Dad has an anuarism and a hernia of the gullet and we saw the consultant today for a progress update 🙁Posted 4 years ago
Mum passed away 2nd Jan this year…..
Trekster, I’m with you on the shit year so far….Aunty terminally ill, good friends wife needs double mastectomy and now this 🙁 when it sucks it seems to do it big time, makes me feel blessed for the 40 happy years I’ve had so far.
I’m generally not a big philosopher but seriously all we have is this moment, if you love them tell them.Posted 4 years agosmell_itMember
I rarely contribute anything serious, but in April last year, the same thing happened to my brothers wife who was only 37 and died out of the blue leaving my brother with their now 3 and 9 year old girls. I’m a psych nurse specialising in self-harm and suicide and thought i’d be set up for this but i wasn’t.Posted 4 years ago
cruisebereavementcare could be of use to your mate, they have been great to my bro. A call to the local social services call centre may help with signposting to any local services. In terms of what i’ve done, I’ve really just done practical stuff and been there for them all. I was lucky that initially i was able to get a some unpaid leave off work and virtually moved in at my bro’s for 3 months, i live in Manchester and they in Edinburgh, so just popping in wasn’t really an option and have then gradually backed off as they have found their feet again, but i still spend a lot of time up there when needed. I’m family, so I’d be willing to do whatever, but l’ve also been amazed at the support he has had from friends and work colleagues etc it’s all helped hold them together. A year down the line things are better, but there are still rough patches, these sorts of losses are total game changers.adjustablewenchMember
Tragic loss for so many around her im sure, its always heartbreaking to contemplate such a loss.
18 months ago I lost my best friend, we had some warning unlike your friend as she had cancer. But nothing truly prepares you for the total loss of somone so close.
Her husband had lots of practical help but resisted bereavement counselling. We did encourage him to take the children though and I’m so glad he did. They were brilliant and really helped not only the children – but the process they went through as a family did help him as it was very much for the whole family.
It will probably be some time before they are ready for something like that but there are good services out there. The hospital should be able to tell you what is available locally.
For all of us just being together immediately afterwards and knowing you werent the only one to be feeling the pain and shock of it all meant so much. only time takes the edge off that painPosted 4 years agopolyMember
He may find that http://www.wayfoundation.org.uk/Screen/Home.aspx are helpful. My S.I.L. seems to find they help. No religious element. They do offer support from straight after a death – but I’m not sure what anyone can say in those first few weeks or months.
I think that someone from the GP (perhaps health visitor?) provided advice on telling her son.Posted 4 years agoWillHMember
As someone mentioned above, even if you are not sure what to do/what you can do from an emotional point of view, or if he’s not being receptive at the moment (which would be understandable), there are many practical things you can do. Things like preparing a load of healthy meals, ready portioned (for both him and the 2-yr-old), and taking them round and filling his freezer. If you can organise a rota with just two or three other friends or relatives it’d be minimal burden on you and a massive time and effort saver for your mate.
Also, doing his food shopping, going round to look after the kids so he can have some time to himself – busy himself doing things around the house, or have time to think/sleep/watch TV uninterrupted.Posted 4 years ago
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