Depression – Why dont we talk about it?/ your experiences please

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  • Depression – Why dont we talk about it?/ your experiences please
  • Premier Icon Marin No 8
    Subscriber

    I am regrettably late to this thread and will read it throughly latter today. From what I have quickly scanned through I must commend you all for talking openly about it and getting the necessary help. Tomorrow I and two other close mates will be carrying our dear friend on his final journey after he silently battled with depression. The four of us were close and helped one and other through the good times and the bad. But Babs never told anyone and foolishly kept it to himself. I only wish we were made aware of his condition sooner. He was a life long cyclist and even now writing this I feel terribly sad that we won’t be riding together again. Some of you in the Gloucester area maybe aware of his passing. Babs was one of the founder members of The Bigfoof club. Apologies for the slight ramble.

    vickypea
    Member

    I can’t remember if I have contributed to this thread before, but I have recurrent depression interspersed with periods of feeling fine. I had CBT several years ago, but I didn’t warm to the person giving it and didn’t think it would help, however a couple of years later I unexpectedly found myself using the CBT techniques I’d learned!
    I’m actually feeling pretty awful at the moment. I suspect it could be partly a seasonal thing with me. I had dreadful pmt for 9 days followed by 3 days of severe migraine and it’s left me completely drained and depressed. I’m off work today as my brain is all fogged up.

    TuckerUK
    Member

    So firstly, I came to accept who I was and where I’d come from.

    This. For me. It was the biggest help.

    Sad story Marin No8, but I think public awareness is increasing, so hopefully ‘talking about it’ will become easier for many.

    If it’s any consolation vickypea, I’m having a fairly low period right now. Feelings of worthlessness and pointlessness, the continuing saga of trying to find paid employment, the ever present money worries, and the negative effect my low periods have on the household, and the bad atmosphere that results because of his. My partner should get a medal!

    At least I do take some comfort from knowing others are fighting their own little battles too, so perhaps you can take some comfort from mine.

    Group cyber-hug.

    fish wife
    Member

    vicypea – seasonal thing striking a chord with me too

    this thread very useful – the insular horridly dark thought processing very familiar currently. I have tried pills and CBT but it comes back

    think sometimes you have to get used to the fact that cyclical brain mentalness is what you have been granted

    Premier Icon st colin
    Subscriber

    Well things have taken a bad turn, a u-turn almost. Last night I decided that it time to stay with my parents for a few days whilst I try and gather my thoughts on my relationship with my partner. It came about because I faced a couple of fears. She wants to buy a house, get married, and start a family with the next couple of years. Whilst I believe those things may happen to me with her, I cannot guarantee that I can any of those things in that time frame with my current state of mind. She can’t hang around any longer, and I don’t blame her. I explained how I felt and I believe this is the beginning of the end unless something exceptional happens very soon.

    The hardest thing in the world is letting someone go because you can’t give them what they want. I know I’m a failure, and this is just nailing it to the wall.

    Chew
    Member

    Colin, theres no guarantees in life and giving yourself a hard time isnt going to help you sort things out either 🙁

    Its not easy but try and take things one step at a time and work through one issue at a time. Focusing and learning the triggers which make you feel better/worse is one step and trying to make the most of that.

    With these fears are they things which you want to do but are scared that you may not be able to do them, or that you feel you should do these things to make someone you love happy?

    TuckerUK
    Member

    I know I’m a failure…

    Yes, a thought I used to have a lot. However, during my therapy it was pointed out that I was only failure by my standards, standards that were set by me, and therefore could be changed. Who says you’re a failure? Others? Or you? If it’s you, what do you know about anything? 😉

    iolo
    Member

    If you had cancer would you still think you were a failure?
    Would actually want to buy a house and have a family with this girl if you were not sick?
    I know the negative thoughts eat at you like a hungry lion but I assure you things will get better.
    I know many who have come from where you are and became much better.

    http://www.mind.org.uk/help/mind_in_your_area

    click on I need urgent help if you’re struggling

    Premier Icon st colin
    Subscriber

    Those fears are a mix of both. Mostly that I couldn’t cope with being a father and that I wouldn’t be a very good one at that. For the mortgage it’s a case of already having 30% of my wage taken up by 1 loan payment which is a considerable amount. We rent a place together, so not much free money to save, well for me anyway. My partner has savings of her own. Basically she is ready for the next big step, I’m not.

    Premier Icon st colin
    Subscriber

    She is broken at the minute and really doesn’t know what to do and frankly it’s all my fault. When I’ve been good I have talked positively about these things, but my mood has been low for a prolonged period of time now that I have just succumbed to my negative way of thinking.

    iolo
    Member

    When you buy it will only get worse unless you are better.
    If you have a massive breakdown and cannot work the mortgage will not be paid.
    Then what will she do?
    She should understand this.

    Premier Icon st colin
    Subscriber

    That was pretty much my point. I want to be on the road to recovery and in control of my life before I commit to something like that. I just get the feeling that the time is up for her now.

    iolo
    Member

    Always do what’s best for you. If she cant see how bad things are I think you’re right.

    TuckerUK
    Member

    If she loves you she’ll understand. She’ll wait.

    But don’t hate her if she puts her happiness first, that’s a basic human survival instinct.

    Premier Icon st colin
    Subscriber

    I’ll not blame her at all. This is my doing, so I can’t do that.

    fj1200
    Member

    Col I appreciate the confusion and darkness you are going through at the moment, do you have any riding buddies that will not try and beat you on the trails but instead just have a bit of Craic and banter and from that build a bit of empathy.
    Not to be patronising but on the strength of the threads you post you appear a good guy and don’t deserve the pain you feel.

    Premier Icon st colin
    Subscriber

    Thanks. When I’m at my worst I feel like I deserve it and that I should be low and feeling worthless and hopeless.

    Tom_W1987
    Member

    Well things have taken a bad turn, a u-turn almost. Last night I decided that it time to stay with my parents for a few days whilst I try and gather my thoughts on my relationship with my partner. It came about because I faced a couple of fears. She wants to buy a house, get married, and start a family with the next couple of years. Whilst I believe those things may happen to me with her, I cannot guarantee that I can any of those things in that time frame with my current state of mind. She can’t hang around any longer, and I don’t blame her. I explained how I felt and I believe this is the beginning of the end unless something exceptional happens very soon.

    The hardest thing in the world is letting someone go because you can’t give them what they want. I know I’m a failure, and this is just nailing it to the wall.

    What’s been the primary reason why you’ve been down Colin, or does it seem generalized? Why be scared by the mortgage, at the end of the day you may or may not make a good father or be able to pay the mortgage. But what’s the worst that can happen, life goes on after this – the rewards are worth the risk.

    It sounds to me like (and I don’t mean to be offensive) obsessive anxiety is wrecking your life more than depression.

    No one should be that hard on themselves matey.

    EDIT: Colin, I’m going to send you an email tomorrow. I’ve got a few personal stories that you could relate to.

    Kevevs
    Member

    Wonderful thread. I’m sure most people who read it have abolutely no idea, which, unfortunately is how it is in the real world. Try explaining to your manager truthfully why you couldn’t even summon the energy or will to pick up the phone to actually talk to a real life person, when anything outside of your duvet is a nightmare waiting to happen, even more of a nightmare than what is happening under the duvet in your head. I have these problems off and on, I’m certain not as bad as a lot of people, but bad enough to be able to empathise. The self-esteem thing, the continuous voice in your head that keeps saying no you can’t do that, nope you’re not good enough, all the **** no’s that deny you and negative spiral when it comes is just **** rubbish and just drags you down into a black hole of anxiety and panic and meaninglessness etc. Being sel critical is a good thing and can push you to make great things, but this is like a hyper version of that that is so negative and self-destructive. it’s a **** battle when it get’s like that and no denying it. Just battle on. Sometimes it is so hard to see yourself from the right perspective.When you get that “rigt” self-perspective back you have to cherish it and feed it properly with exercise, family, good friends, all the good stuff I reckon. “mindfullness” has been reccommended to me by mates, and daft stuff like swimming, meditation, etc, to get head in right place. and I think all that is right. as I never feel happierthan when “escaping” up a mountain or out on bike etc. I guess you have to find ways of coping that are positive, rather than negative like booze or something. anyway, that’s my ramble 🙂 x

    Premier Icon st colin
    Subscriber

    Thanks Tom, I’d appreciate that.

    Still staying at my parents. Have had a few texts back and forth from my partner and to be honest it isn’t sounding hopeful. I have told her thoughts, much more rational than over the last few days, I am trying to be very positive about it and I think it can be fixed, but it seems like it just too much for her. She has told me she doesn’t know me anymore and that it feels to her that the relationship is broken.

    The depression voice is telling me that it could be the final nail in the coffin for me.

    TuckerUK
    Member

    I’m certain not as bad as a lot of people…

    We’ll there is no universal scale of mental or physical pain. If you’re hurting a 10, it’s a 10. Someone else’s pain you might rate at a 10 might only be a 6 for them. Conversely someone else’s pain you’d ignore might be their 10.

    Don’t play down or trivialise your own suffering. 😉

    Premier Icon st colin
    Subscriber

    Well, it has been an eventful few days. After spending 3 nights with my parents I cam home on Friday evening. We thrashed out all the issues and have decided upon a plan of action. Our lease on the rented house is up at the end of November and we have decided to end that and move back with our parents. We are staying together. This will allow us to save and give us space. I can get the space to work on the CBT and get myself better. So, positive? Well, almost. I still think in the back of her mind this is the beginning of the end but she is sure that it isn’t. Also, my dad isn’t too happy about me moving back home. We don’t get on at the best of times, so I hope things will go smoothly. It’s only going to be 6-8 months, so not such a long time.

    Does it all sound like a sensible plan?

    thegreatape
    Member

    Yes. A forward looking and constructive one.

    xcgb
    Member

    St Colin
    Yes sounds like a good plan to me. keep it up mate, maybe your dad could attend a couple of CBT sessions to help him understand a bit more how you feel

    Hope it works for you, at the very least you have come up with a plan

    Premier Icon st colin
    Subscriber

    Yea, it is positive in a sense. My dad is old school and he doesn’t talk about anything like that. Still, we have football in common and my brother (and his son) and I are planning to take him the the Emirates stadium in January. Perhaps there will be opportunity to get to build our relationship, who knows. Both my parents admit to knowing very little about depression and dont understand what I’m going through.

    xcgb
    Member

    Lots of useful reading here for them and you

    http://www.depressionalliance.org/

    FuzzyWuzzy
    Member

    At what point do you cross over from thinking your life’s shit (at least part of the time) to clinical depression? Is actual depression when you can’t function properly due to it?

    xcgb
    Member

    What is Depression

    The word ‘depression’ is used to describe everyday feelings of low mood which can affect us all from time to time. Feeling sad or fed up is a normal reaction to experiences that are upsetting, stressful or difficult; those feelings will usually pass.

    If you are affected by depression, you are not ‘just’ sad or upset. You have an illness which means that intense feeling of persistent sadness, helplessness and hopelessness are accompanied by physical effects such as sleeplessness, a loss of energy, or physical aches and pains.

    Sometimes people may not realise how depressed they are, especially if they have been feeling the same for a long time, if they have been trying to cope with their depression by keeping themselves busy, or if their depressive symptoms are more physical than emotional.

    Here is a list of the most common symptoms of depression. As a general rule, if you have experienced four or more of these symptoms, for most of the day nearly every day, for over two weeks, then you should seek help.

    Tiredness and loss of energyPersistent sadnessLoss of self-confidence and self-esteemDifficulty concentratingNot being able to enjoy things that are usually pleasurable or interestingUndue feelings of guilt or worthlessnessFeelings of helplessness and hopelessnessSleeping problems – difficulties in getting off to sleep or waking up much earlier than usualAvoiding other people, sometimes even your close friendsFinding it hard to function at work/college/schoolLoss of appetiteLoss of sex drive and/ or sexual problemsPhysical aches and painsThinking about suicide and deathSelf-harm

    Premier Icon molgrips
    Subscriber

    At what point do you cross over from thinking your life’s shit (at least part of the time) to clinical depression? Is actual depression when you can’t function properly due to it?

    If your life’s shit and that makes you miserable, then something great happens you’ll think ‘thank **** for that, I feel better now’

    If you’re clinically depressed, something great happens and you just start picking holes in it and coming up with reasons why it’s shit after all anyway, and you’re still miserable. Or you may realise it’s a good thing but you just can’t feel happy about it. The happiness tank is empty.

    Premier Icon st colin
    Subscriber

    Yea. It’s almost like you are unable to sustain happiness and cope rationally with everyday situations, many of which are trivial.

    TuckerUK
    Member

    Is actual depression when you can’t function properly due to it?

    Yes, I believe this is the medical definition.

    roper
    Member

    I think depression can also include a numbness. Where you don’t feel anything. You feel so disconnected and numb you lose all point and worth and feel you should not exist.

    Mental pain can be the worse there is. Anyone suffering or dealing with it has my upmost respect.

    St John, it sounds like you are working hard to sort things out. It can be done. Just a word of advice if you don’t mind,

    I still think in the back of her mind this is the beginning of the end but she is sure that it isn’t

    Don’t try and work out what is going on in her head, or your Dad’s. It can be hard enough dealing with your own. The chances are all of your thoughts are in a depression fog and so not clear. Just try to deal with your own head and not other people’s for now.

    Premier Icon st colin
    Subscriber

    Another big dip today for no reason. Last night I felt good, spent some time working on the bikes, tidied up the utility, sorting tools etc. Was quite relaxed. Then this morning, this.

    How is everyone else today?

    iolo
    Member

    Dip sounds like bipolar. Do you experience any highs sometimes? Maybe only for a very short time.

    Premier Icon st colin
    Subscriber

    Not really to be honest. I would say when I feel good, it is normal for most people. I just mean that today I feel lower than yesterday but for no apparent reason.

    Premier Icon thepurist
    Subscriber

    There isn’t always (if ever) a reason for a slide back down. It just happens – sometimes you wake up and know it’s going to be bad, but nothing has changed since yesterday. That’s the nature of this crappy illness. The best thing I found is not to beat yourself up about the fact that you’re down again – that just feeds your own negativity and won’t solve anything. Give yourself permission to feel crap – use whatever energy and motivation you have to do things for yourself, accept your small achievements for the day (getting out of bed, posting on here). And remember how it felt to be ‘normal’ – sometimes it’s hard to recall exactly how you felt yesterday or last week or last month. Someone I know kept a diary of how they felt, and then said that reading it back later was like reading something written by another person. Take it easy though, and try to look after number one.

    Premier Icon st colin
    Subscriber

    My first homework for the CBT was to write down my feelings for the first week. Reading it back is exactly that, it doesn’t seem like me at all. Well, it doesn’t represent who I want to be.

    TuckerUK
    Member

    How is everyone else today?

    Medium, teetering on the edge, not sure which side of the bipolar fence I’m going to land on. But I do have reason to not be on top of the world, the search for paid employment drags on and on and on…

    I have a tendency to hide away from reality by getting stuck into some research. I’m now very knowledge on jet engines, British Railways circa 1963, the 2001-2005 Mazda MX-5 including modifications, the Supermarine Spitfire including all armaments, the 2006 Yamaha YZ250, the Weihrauch HW30 including tuning, and the 581 series Ruger Mini-30 including modifications, to name but a few!

    Premier Icon thepurist
    Subscriber

    Tucker – know what you mean about employment. Nothing confirms your own negative self image like being unemployed. I’ve tried a few thing – the Richmond fellowship is a charity that’s meant to support people with mental health issues back into work. They’ve not been great for me but others have found it helpful. I’ve also been looking at volunteering, just as a way of putting some structure and social contact into my time.

    Premier Icon st colin
    Subscriber

    Back into work today after another CBT session. My therapist thinks that may mood may be too low at the minute for CBT. I have some material I was given at the end of my last session, so I am going to continue with that for now.

    I felt very emotional today, almost to the point of tears – I’m ashamed to admit.

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