My wife has suffered with what I would describe as mild depression for 4 or 5 years. Sometimes it can be hard work but for the most part she manages it fine. I’m usually able to spot the early signs of a ‘bad day’ approaching and can usually shift the general mood of the day to push her out of it, to an extent.

Over the past few months though it seems that her depression is starting to take a firmer grasp and I am struggling to do anything to help. We regularly have long conversations where she usually tells me how she has ‘had enough, can’t go on, life is horrible’ and will literally spend hours telling me how the world is a terrible place and becomes very philosophical about how wrong things in the world are and how pointless it all is. The whole day becomes incredibly bleak and sombre and the entire household is on edge.

It’s hard to listen to and painful to watch someone who yesterday was bright and cheery suddenly become full of angst and sadness for no explicable reason. We have never gone to a doctor or psychologist about it as she does not believe she truly suffers with depression so will not even humour the idea.

I’ve reached a point where I am struggling to manage because as those who have suffered or know someone who has suffered with depression will know, trying to reason and reassure is almost pointless. When it takes hold it grips until it seemingly just goes away.

I really want her to see someone who is better able to deal with it than me, a doctor for a start, but she won’t consider it. Has anyone else had a similar situation? Any advice on how I can manage or persuade her to see someone?

I know me just posting a link is not what you are looking for, but would urge you to speak to Mind.

http://www.mind.org.uk/help/advice_lines

0300 123 3393

The first step is always the hardest. Coming to terms with being depressed is difficult and asking for help is even harder. I felt I hit rock bottom a year ago, with the help of anti-depressents, a good set of friends and councilling you can get through it. I would speak to mind and speak with your doctor about your partner.

The most difficult aspect is that when she has a really bad day she agrees that she needs to see someone because she just wants a way out of the feelings she is experiencing at that moment. At that point I feel I am starting to make some progress. The problem is the following day she is absolutely fine, like nothing has happened and she finds the idea of seeking help ridiculous. ‘Help for what?’ is the usual response.

She is unable to vividly recall how unbelievably low and grief stricken she was the previous day so completely denies there is a problem when she is ok.

Secretly video her.

Then when she’s ‘up’ (happy) play the recording back to her – she won’t recognise the miserable person on the TV.

Effective shock tactic.

The hardest thing with depression is realising your depressed and accepting you need to do some thing about it, so it doesn’t surprise me that you can’t got get her to ask for help.

Go to her GP Practice yourself and speak to one of the docs, at least then they are aware and can start questioning her at the next consultation she has with them.

I would be wary of speaking to Mind etc behind her back so to speak as that will just really pee her off.

A few years back when I lost a job and had financial problems, I started sleeping lots, had a pernament cold and sore joints etc. Got fed up of it so went to the docs. Within 5 mins he suggested I was suffering from mild depression. That was enough for me to think **** that for a game of soldiers, that was all I need to turn myself around and get back on an even keal.

Your day to day descriptions of your wife’s mood could almost be describing me!
My depression came on fairly quickly and was quite severe for a time. It is still there but at a lower level and to some extent, I have learnt to live with it.
I’d be surprised if you are spotting the signs and managing in shifting the general mood, but I’m no expert and only talking from personal experience.
She has to realise that something is wrong and want to make a change herself; then there is loads of help. I found CBT to be fantastic. Books too- Greenberger and Padesky’s Mind over mood for instance.

The GP is the first place to go, but I’ve no idea how you persuade her. My partner pretty much dragged me there- on the third time I agreed to be helped! Still not an easy ride, but it was the first step.

Good luck

Can i ask that you PM me?

We regularly have long conversations where she usually tells me how she has ‘had enough, can’t go on, life is horrible’ and will literally spend hours telling me how the world is a terrible place and becomes very philosophical about how wrong things in the world are and how pointless it all is. The whole day becomes incredibly bleak and sombre and the entire household is on edge.

Bit like this forum somedays, but one thing is for sure, somebody will make a funny comment, offer to help, email somebody and offer great advice, the world goes on around you, and youve survived another day.

As above your wife needs a proffesional ear to vent her feelings to, not in an aggressive way, but just to empty her head to somebody who can help, and has probably heard similar before.

Best wishes.

Sounds like she needs to identify the self-same traits in others to recognise those in herself. Perhaps look at the stories of others and how their depression manifests itself. Maybe she could take something from seeing similar feelings in others.

I am in a similar position, though the person in question has always been me…
I suppose I recognised that though so you need to get her to recognise it.

I would talk to mind if I were you. Your wifes symptoms are totally different from mine where I was basically depressed for 21 years. Eventually CBT worked for me but I know people who think it’s bunkum. Sadly I think with depression it is very much every case is unique and you need to find the solution that works for you.

Medication does help for a while, quite a long while but eventually you adapt to it. It took me 6 months to come off medication due to the effects of withdrawal meaning I had to go to great lengths to reduce the dosage in minute amounts to minimise the effects (VERY severe vertigo).

I think you need to talk to Mind. Your wifes symptoms are totally different to mine so I don’t think any advise I can give will help. Hopefully they will have experience of all the many varied ways that depression effects people and may be able to suggest methods for you to use to persuade your wife that she does have a problem. As said the first hurdle is admitting a problem exists.

Best of luck fella.

All of the above is good with the most important and first thing to do being “go to the GP with your wife and talk to them now.

One thing I would say – IMO – avoid antidepressants like the plague. Yes they work in most cases, but getting off of them can be hell, and becuase continuation of them can seem easier than getting off, can lead to addiction. So if your doctor is a “pill pusher”, find another thats willing to help you through alternatives first.

Has anyone else had a similar situation? Any advice on how I can manage or persuade her to see someone?

Yes, me. I am very wary of giving advice based on my experience though, because everyone is different and what works for us probably won’t work for you. On top of that, what works one day doesn’t work the next. I would definitely second the advice to speak to your doctor (and if that doesn’t get you anywhere speak to a different doctor, some GPs are useless on this stuff).

A couple of things you should bear in mind: 1) this is not your fault, 2) your wife is not the only person suffering from depression, you are suffering too, so it is ok for you to ask for help for yourself.

Chin up, stay strong, good luck.

my wife was a bit depressed last year – tried the pills, found them ok but had difficulty coming off them.

She then went to a ‘nutritionist’ who changed her diet and it has helped a lot, not just with feeling depressed but also general energy levels.

For instance, a few weeks ago she had a busy day at work and came home knackered. She then put her running gear on and went for a run to make herself feel better, which is something she never would have done before the diet change.

Obviously, one aspect is just going to see someone and having treatment, but the diet change has also helped with thing like ‘monthly female pain’ which she always had problems with.

It might be worth looking at something like the IDave diet, which probably has more basis than going to see a Patrick Holforth influenced ‘nutritionist’, after which she will just want to frequent expensive ‘health food’ shops.

You could maybe suggest that you want to change to the IDave diet, and ‘drag’ her along with you to see if it makes any difference. Then she won’t know what you are up to…

My wife also found reading this helpful:

particularly the anecdotes about the excuses people come up with to avoid doing things.

Exercise can help with depression – perhaps trying to get out together for a walk every day, or taking up a sport or activity together?

I had terrible mood swings, anger and irritability which turned out to be down to coeliac disease. I had pernicious anemia (B12 deficiency) which caused me some days to be very fatigued, depressed, irritable and have a poor short term memory. I had been diagnosed with depression several times when seeing the GP about the symptoms. I only found out it was coeliac disease when I was hospitalized with loss of balance, co-ordination and extreme fatigue but that was after years of problems.

A lot of doctors think still that coeliac disease is rare, but actually in some areas of Europe it can affect 1 in 100 people and a lot of people go undiagnosed for many years because the symptom picture is so vague. Because my symptoms were primarily neurological, it was not investigated – put down to depression, anxiety or stress.
It would be worth your wife at least getting blood tests to make sure there is no physical reason behind the mood swings, because actually sometimes there is something that can be easily treated like a vitamin deficiency or thyroid problem – an underactive thyroid can cause depression as well and it’s more common in women.

In Western medicine doctors are still a bit behind in understanding the connections between mental/emotional symptoms and physical conditions as it has been believed that physical illness causes only physical symptoms.

Great advice from all. Thank you.

We both have active lifestyles – Kayaking, cycling obviously, mountain climbing etc and on those ‘black’ days I push us both to go out and do something, which tends to help. I even got us a little West Highland Terrier back in Feb who we both adore and seems to be having a positive effect. When I brought him home I did say that if anything could chase away the ‘black dog’ it would be a white dog.

I think I may just have to go see our GP on my own and talk to him about it. I do feel like I am betraying her by doing that which is why I have been reluctant but when she is ok, it is impossible to convince her there is a problem of any kind.

I just don’t want it to overtake her which I am incredibly fearful it will do.

Thanks again.

My wife also found reading this helpful:

particularly the anecdotes about the excuses people come up with to avoid doing things.

Just ordered that, sounds good. Thanks.

Good luck. I’ve only seen depression up close when we had a miscarriage. Thankfully it was only for a few months. It sounds like you’re doing the right things. Sort it out now before it gets worse.

In a similar situation I have known people be quite confrontational about it. Basically the person was told that they had to get help and was told to go to the GPs, their behaviour was intolerable.

Its difficult – she clearly sounds depressed but a part of the illness is that people think the depressed state is what is normal for them – especially as it has crept up gradually.

So – you might have to push her to get help and it might need you to be quite tough to do so. Not an easy thing to do.

Good luck

Exercise can help with depression – perhaps trying to get out together for a walk every day, or taking up a sport or activity together?

Good point. I didn’t mention it before, but this is how I started MTB’ing…..

I still say try the IDave diet, even if it doesn’t help with the depression it will be useful.

One thing I would say – IMO – avoid antidepressants like the plague

Often they are needed to help break a cycle. Don’t think I would have got better without them. Yes, they were hard to come off but they definitely served their purpose. Fluoxetine in my case.

Some people may need SSRIs (or similar) all their lives if they have low levels of seratonin. Just like a diabetic may always need their medication.

I’m very much a fan of not running for tablets, but sometimes they are needed.

Effective medication for depression has made a huge difference to treatment of it.

Its not a cure – its a treatment but it is a very useful one.

How sure are we that your wife is suffering from depression?

People with depression have good and bad days, or perhaps some days are better than others and some a worse than others. But my reading is that your wife can have quite marked mood swings from one day to the next? But I may be reading to much into your original post. Is this depression? Just a thought?

Diagnostic criteria of persistent low mood for at least two weeks etc.

I personally found counselling to be a tremendous help. I can’t recommend it too highly. So many people struggle with depression, and yet so many of us struggle to cope with it on our own.

mood swings within the day could well be down to diet – sugar levels fluctuating, etc

Yep, gently urge her to seek professional help – she wouldn’t need to commit to anything, but it’s the first vital step to exploring any one of (or combination of) a number of possible solutions. Sounds to me like you’re exactly the kind of decent, intelligent and understanding partner she needs. Hope it all works out – it almost certainly will, although it might take a bit of time and some trial and error in terms of interventions.

Couple of good books (seriously) which don’t mention the ‘D’ word. Might help your wife realise she has Depression, which is always the first step. NB People with Depression never think it’s worth bothering their GP, as the illness rides them of all self worth – so it’s really hard to get them to seek help.

Firstly, well done mate for coming on here and letting folk know about your wife’s, and you own, problems. I have suffered from depression twice, and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. I won’t go into how bad I was, and how I managed to get over it, but drop me an e-mail if you want and I’ll let you know how it is on the inside looking out – so to speak!