"Dearest One"….(scam content)

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  • "Dearest One"….(scam content)
  • rmacattack
    Member

    say you will let her (blokes) stay at your gaff and will post your details after you see a pic and skype first

    Hit the 419 Eater Hall of Shame for inspiration….

    cynic-al
    Member

    the usual…ask for a pic of her doing a jobby on today’s newspaper.

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Subscriber

    “Dear Fatty Umbongo…”

    I’ve replied before and they don’t reply UNLESS you go along with it. I did once and we got into a conversation. I told them they were living angels with their charity work and so forth. Got bored eventually and told them to do one

    Premier Icon jonnyrobertson
    Subscriber

    So I’ve got this email, the standard scam, thing is, I’d quite like to have a bit of fun with it, see if I could string it out a bit…

    Dearest One.

    Thanks for the opportunity to be your friend,I know this mail will come to you as a surprise since we have not meet or had a previous correspondence, please bear with me. I will really like to have a good relationship with you. I have a special reason why I decided to contact you.

    I decided to contact you because of the urgency of my situation here ,I am Ms Fati Mbogo Edwards 25 years old girl from Liberia the only daughter of Late Dr ,Mbogo Edwards the deputy minister of national security under the leadership of president Charles Taylor who is now in exile after many innocent soul were killed ,My father was killed by government of Charles Taylor ,he accuse my father of coup attempt.

    I am constrained to contact you because of the maltreatment I, am receiving from my step mother. She planned to take away all my late father’s treasury and properties from me since the unexpected death of my beloved Father.

    Meanwhile I wanted to escape to the Europe but she hide away my international passport and other valuable travelling documents. Luckily she did not discover where I kept my father’s File which contains important documents. I decided to run to the refegee camp where I am presently seeking asylum under the United Nations High Commission for the Refegee here in ougadugou,Republic of Burkinafaso.I wish to contact you personally for a long term business relationship and investment assistance in your Country.

    My father of blessed memory deposited the sum of US$6,500, 000.00 in Bank with my name as the next of kin. However, I shall forward you with the necessay documents on confirmation of your acceptance to assist me for the transfer and investment of the fund in your country,As you will help me in an invsetment, and i will like to complete my studies, as i was in my fist year in the university, when the crisis started.

    It is my intention to compensate you with 20% of the total money for your services and the balance shall be my investment capital. This is the reason why I decided to contact you. Please all communications should be through this email address only for confidential purposes.

    As soon as I receive your positive response showing your interest I will put things into action immediately. In the light of the above, I shall appreciate an urgent message indicating your ability and willingness to handle this transaction sincerely. iam staying at the female hostel.

    Awaiting your urgent and positive response. Please do keep this only to your self please i beg you not to disclose it till i come over , once the fund has been transfered,

    Yours Fati

    Anybody got some good ideas as to how we could keep this rolling?

    sas
    Member

    Thank her for her kind offer, and say that unfortunately being extremely busy you won’t be able to help, however you do have a friend, Mr Diamond, who was recently made redundant, has access to very good fixed rates and would be happy to manage her investment.

    Tell her to go f^&* herself with a dead rat.

    Premier Icon jonnyrobertson
    Subscriber

    Thanks for the advice, Captain Flash, Al and Cougar, you have all provided your own little snippets of inspiration, now let’s see if owt happens (The abbreviation of the company name edited here for obvious reasons :oops:)…

    My darling Fatty,

    Thank you for contacting me. Yes, the mail did come as a surprise but I am eternally grateful for the opportunity to build up a relationship with you. You see, I recently lost my dog in a tragic powerboating accident. I have found times difficult since my labrador, Jobbie, was unpleasantly divided and I have been struggling to come to terms with my loss, pain and the gaping void that has been left in my life, like a broken rectum. Then you email me, asking for help.

    I am truly saddened to hear of your plight and the death of your father. Charles Taylor really is a pesky scamp. I’m sure your father did not attempt a coup and was innocent. Even if he did start one I’m sure it was an accident and he didn’t really mean to.

    I am engorged with pleasure to be able to tell you that my offshore property company Cartwright Utopian New Town Solutions may have the means to assist you in your quest, blessed as it is with huge funding reserves and many offshore accounts for holding and transferring large sums of money. BUT, not only can I be of assistance in a financial matter Cartwright Utopian New Town Solutions (henceforth abbreviated to C***S) may also be able to provide safe haven for you and any other members of your family if required. It is with sadness and loss of engorgement that I read of your mistreatment at the hands of your stepmother. If required C***S can deal with the problem of your stepmother quickly and discretely, as we have carried out many projects off the coast of Greenland where heavy security was needed during the construction of settlements due to large numbers of Polar Bears and Sea Lions encroaching on the construction camps. This same security set-up can be used to protect you and your family members for a “modest” fee which we can discuss if you decide to take up my offer of sanctuary. Rest assured, C***S can and will protect you and thanks to C***S I will once again be engorged.

    I feel fate may have thrust us together, almost in the exact opposite way that poor, dear Jobbie was thrust apart. However, I need to know that you are genuine. To this end i respectfully ask that you send me some identification and a photograph of yourself. Once I have these i will know for sure I can trust you as I am a vulnerable man right now, wishing for all the world that I could squeeze my Jobbie and hold him tight, to bury my head into him and smell his Jobbie smell. If you would like I can send you a picture of my Jobbie, once I have received yours.

    Awaiting your swift response,

    Henry J. Cartwright,
    dir. Cartwight Utopian New Town Solutions.

    JonBoy
    Member

    Very eloquent.

    Premier Icon Coyote
    Subscriber

    I am engorged with pleasure

    I feel fate may have thrust us together, almost in the exact opposite way that poor, dear Jobbie was thrust apart

    Loving these lines. I thank you sir!

    khani
    Member

    😆 outstanding!! 😆

    cfinnimore
    Member

    Happy face and the symbols people use to say..

    “Looking forward to this and beer”.

    Good job!

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Subscriber

    Genius. Good work, sir.

    I must be a bit mad but can’t find any details for Cartwright Utopian New Town Solutions are they on Company’s house somewhere??

    Do you do investments??

    Premier Icon jonnyrobertson
    Subscriber

    Er, yeah, sorry about that Shep, our internet servers are down for maintenance. Or something.

    Anyway, she’s come back to me with this (and 2 pictures, she’s quite the cutie, clearly a model or something, who’d’a thunk it?)…

    Dearest love Henry J. Cartwright.

    I am very excited with your email,But I wish to explain more to you in details my position and how you have to help me, Presently i am residing here in BURKINA-FASO where i am seeking my political assylum as refugee due to the crisis in my country.This money is not a smuggled money or hunt by the authorities,my father deposited the money in the bank before he died,he use my name as the next of kin to this fund,it is very legal that i am the righful beneficiary of this fund.

    I am emailing you from the office of the Rev.Father in the refugees camp, I told the Rev.Father about my situation and he permited me to access my email in his office computer twice a day, here in the refugees camp life is very difficult, Camp Address is: 81 Eastern NordFoir Yoff, ouagaduogou Burkinafaso. Hostel Number Flat 14 room 8 Female Hostel.

    I have all the prove that shows that i am the rightfull beneficiary of this money,this is the number of the rev father,call him and tell him that you want to speak with Miss. Fatima Mbogo.from liberia +22678457355,i will be expecting to hear from you,i hope to speak with you.

    Now due to my political situation, i cannot make this claims by myself, i need a forigner who will stand on mybehalf to the bank, that is why i decieded to make this contact with you, for you to stand on my behalf to the bank and ask them the possibility of transfering this fund into your position in your country. I have all the Information concering the Bank Account Also have my late father death certificate, everything concernig this transaction is clear.

    The reason why I need your help to be sincere in your heart and assist me transafer the money into any account which you know will be safe either new or old empty or not, Though I do not have experience in international transaction so there is nothing I can do without your help, I wouldn’t have borderd you if I have full access to the money within myself, because I am helpless without you, having no account and no body abroad as a friend or relation who i will trust.

    After the transaction of the money into your account You will help me withdraw some money from the account where the money was transferred, You will help me send the money through the Rev.Father in refugees camp to get all my traveling documents to join you and have a good life with you and continue my education and for the capital investment which you have to help me for that.

    I will want you to think very well and understand in your heart if you really want to help me ? If yes I will live the rest of my life to apprceiate it, But if no I suggest you make it open to me before you will brake my heart Because I don’t want to under go touture any more,

    Once i get you well, i will send the bank contact details to you, so that from there you will make contact with them concerning the account and find out the possibility of transfering this fund into your position okay, i really appreciate your concern, waiting for your urgent response so that we can proceed.you have to send me the following informations so that i will know you very well.

    The money is in the bank,i can not make this claim without a representative,that is why i need your help,as soon i recieved this information from you i will send you the bank contact for you to contact them for the bank to trasfer the money to your account.this is the number of the rev father,call him and tell him that you want to speak with Miss. Fatima Mbogo +22678457355.

    1.full name
    2.full address
    3.phone number
    4.occupation
    5.country

    Regards .
    Miss. Fati Mbogo Edward.

    ….and I respond with this (again edited for salty language)….

    My dear Fatty

    Many thank you’s for your email and the two beautiful attached photos. If this is you then I must say you are a remarkably beautiful lady and I can feel the engorgement returning to me already. Please find enclosed a picture of my dear, departed Jobbie. If you would like to see a picture of me, then please, do not hesitate to request one.

    I must apologise for what you may perceive to be a slow response to your email. Rest assured this is not the case, I have been extremely busy of late briefing my lawyers in advance of what could potentially be a very expensive lawsuit. If you recall, in the last email to you I mentioned building a settlement on Greenland, our first operation there. We had built a new village from scratch, near to Qeqertarsuaq, to cope with Greenland’s population explosion (it is dark for most of the year there so there is little to do except for fishing, hunting and making little baby Greenlanders). Our company (as you remember is called Cartwright Utopian New Town Solutions aka C**TS) had been commissioned to build 4,000 (four thousand) new homes at a cost of $6.5 million U.S. Dollars. Now, you may not know but the Inuit people of Greenland live in houses called Igloos. They’re a bit like a mud hut, but made of ice, not mud. Greenland, if you didn’t already know is literally COVERED in ice. You literally can’t move for the bloody stuff so I was frankly p***ing my pants at the thought of knocking out a few domes of ice in return for $6.5 MILLION U.S. Dollars. We had completed the work by the end of April this year but unfortunately due to an unseasonably warm May many igloos melted, leaving a great many Inuit’s homeless and in danger of being eaten by Penguins.I didn’t even know they got the sun in Greenland. We at C**TS anticipate a lawsuit which could run in to the hundreds of millions so please understand if I am sometimes slow to respond, I am an incredibly busy man.

    Regarding contacting the Rev.Father at the refugee camp, unfortunately I am unable to do so due to a crippling phobia of religious representatives. This all stems from my time as a child, at boarding school, which i do not want to worry you with now. If you do want to know more, I will tell you, in time, but for now, please accept my apologies that I cannot speak to the Rev.Father.

    To return to your proposition. As I have indicated, I am very interested in your proposition, but before I would be willing to proceed or give out any private information I will require that you are able to send be some definite proof of your identity. May I suggest the following: That we agree on a password phrase, and then you get a new photograph of yourself holding a sign with the password written on it? That way I will know for certain that the person in the pictures you have sent to me is you. may I suggest that you have a photograph taken with yourself holding a sign stating the name of my company? You can use the abbreviation “C**TS”. Please ask the Rev. Father to assist you in this matter.

    The most important aspect of this arrangement for me presently is to be 100% trusting in my you, which is why I wish to be so careful about the photograph. In my experience, absolute trust in your partner always guarantees a fast and beneficial outcome, one where we may live happily ever after, with eternal riches (providing I can get this f***ing lawsuit off my back, anyway).

    Sending you my warmth and love,

    Henry J. Cartwright.

    I’m thinking our Henry could develop tourettes in the next email, as a result of the pressure of the lawsuit bearing upon him. The I could really have some fun…!

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Subscriber

    If you need legal representation I can recommend my own legal firm, Messers. Sue, Grabbit and Runn. They’re approved brokers for the logistics company Norfolk & Waypal.

    cynic-al
    Member

    Fantastic work, Sir!

    Even moreso given the impending lawsuit. My fave at 419eaters was where the westerner pretended to be in the church of golden showers and got the scammer to send a pic of himself with someone urinating on him…

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Subscriber

    Oh, you’ll need their registered address for VAT purposes. They’re based in a converted pub in Hertfordshire, the address is:

    The Cockwell Inn,
    Tillit,
    Herts.

    Have a read of

    ‘Delete this at your peril’ and ‘Why me?’ for inspiration.

    From: Jack Thompson
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: Delete This At Your Peril

    FROM HIS ROYAL HIGHNEST, JACK THOMPSON

    Dear sir,

    Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business. I got your name and contact from the chamber of commerce and industry.

    I am JACK THOMPSON, the only son of late King Arawi of tribal land. My father was a very wealthy traditional ruler, poisoned to death by his rivals in the traditional tussle about royalties and related matters.

    Before his death here in Togo he called me on his sick bed and told me of a trunk box containing $75m kept in a security company where i amin the city of Sokode. It was because of the wealth he was poisoned by his rivals. I now seek a foreign partner where I will transfer the proceeds for investment as you may advise. I am willing to offer you 20% of the sum as a compensation for your effort/input and 5% for any expenses that may occour.

    Anticipating to hear from you soon.

    Thanks and God bless

    JACK THOMPSON

    From: Bob Servant
    To: Jack Thompson
    Subject: Greetings

    Good morning your Majesty,

    I want 30%, and not a penny less,

    Your Servant,

    Bob Servant

    From: Jack Thompson
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: I will speak to the bank

    Hello Bob,

    See these percentages was arranged by the bank and not me. If you insist on getting 30% of the money i have to call the bank.

    Pls send your

    FULL NAME.
    CONTACT PHONE NUMBER.
    ACCOUNT NUMBER.
    COUNTRY/STATE:

    I will be expecting those details.thanks.

    JACK THOMPSON.

    From: Bob Servant
    To: Jack Thompson
    Subject: Good luck with the bank

    Your Majesty,

    Let me know what the bank says. Tomorrow’s a bank holiday here, I don’t know if you have the same ones? My full name is BOB GODZILLA SERVANT.

    Yours,

    Bob

    From: Jack Thompson
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: Hello

    Hello Bob,

    I went to my bank. If you are now requesting 30% we have to go back to the high court to change things. I and my family members has added some amount upon your money provided you are going to be serious and trustwordy. We have agreed to give you 25%. Pls I think that is all we can do. We need your telephone number, country, state, city and account
    number before we can go further.

    Jack Thompson

    From: Bob Servant
    To: Jack Thompson
    Subject: Let’s try the court

    Good Morning Your Highness,

    Please go to the High Court and request the 30%, I think it is a fair figure Jacky-O.

    Bob

    From: Jack Thompson
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: YOUR URGENT RESPONSE NEEDED

    Dear Mr Bob,

    In order not to waste more time I have agreed the 30% and have notifi ed the court and my family accordingly. Within these few days now, I have developed that confi dence in you and believe that you will be of great assistance in perfecting this transaction. We have to go ahead immediately. Please email me –

    1. Your address
    2. Private Telephone and Fax Numbers
    3. Banking details to enable transfer of the money to you.

    I await your immediate response,

    Jack Thompson

    From: Bob Servant
    To: Jack Thompson
    Subject: Hold Tight…

    Your Highness,

    I have been looking at the sums again, and I have decided that I
    want 40%.

    And not a penny less.

    Bob

    From: Jack Thompson
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: URGENT FROM MR JACK THOMPSON

    Dear Bob,

    Please let us PROCEDE. I am not greedy. I will offer you the 40% instead of delaying the transaction. I want it done, no matter how little it will change my life. Send your details now. Like I told you I need to meet with the security company immediately, I await an urgent response,

    Jack

    From: Bob Servant
    To: Jack Thompson
    Subject: Taxman

    Jack,

    40% sounds about right. However, I do not want the money in cash, as there is no way I could hide it. The taxman tried to turn me over back in ’89 when I was coining it in from the cheeseburger vans, and those bastards always come back. Can I have my share in diamonds and gold? I can shift it gradually through pawnshops in Lochee.

    Bob

    From: Jack Thompson
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: URGENT

    Hello Bob,

    I received your mail and I guess I understand it. As for the diamond and gold, I think I have access to raw gold. You will get your share in some amount of cash and some valuable quantity of gold. Look Bob you are wasting some time in forwarding your details that I need urgently. So now that we have come to an agreement can I have the details now please,

    Thanks,

    Jack

    From: Bob Servant
    To: Jack Thompson
    Subject: Animals?

    Hello Jack,

    I’m afraid I just cannot take my share in cash, too dangerous. I could take it in diamonds, gold, or livestock (lions). My neighbour, Frank Theplank, has a private zoo. I just caught up with him in Maciocia’s chip shop where he was waiting on a bag of fifty fritters for his monkeys. I told him a little bit about all this and he is willing to pay $80,000 for every lion I can get him,

    Bob

    From: Jack Thompson
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: URGENT

    Hello Bob,

    I understand what you mean. You don’t want the money in cash. Well I just got in contact with a friend of mine who sells raw gold and I can now pay you through live stock lion heads raw gold…quantity (4). So now you need not worry about the taxman coming again you can always keep them in your friend’s private zoo as you said. Now I will go and arrange for them while you send me your full details of yourself.

    Jack

    From: Bob Servant
    To: Jack Thompson
    Subject: Lions

    Hi Jack my friend,

    Great to hear from you again. You can get hold of 4 lions? Are they male or female? I will speak to Frank who will undoubtedly be very excited. Where are these lions just now?

    Bob

    From: Jack Thompson
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: URGENT DETAILS PLEASE

    Hello Bob,

    The gold lions are all male and i have arranged for them. But Bob can’t you see you are dragging us backwards i have been asking you for your details for the past days now. Pls reply with the following:

    Full Name
    Home Address
    Phone/Fax Number
    Banking Details

    I will be expecting the above information.

    Thanks.

    Jack

    From: Bob Servant
    To: Jack Thompson
    Subject: OK

    Jack my friend,

    OK, things are now progressing. My full name is, as you know, Bob

    Godzilla Servant
    68 Harbour View Road,
    Broughty Ferry,
    Dundee1

    It’s a lovely spot Broughty Ferry, and I stay down near the river . There’s not much traffi c which is obviously perfect, as otherwise the lions would get rattled. Can you please send me a photo of the lions without delay? I need to see that you defi nitely have access to them, before I confi rm things with that halfwit Frank.

    Your friend,

    Bob

    From: Jack Thompson
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: Details

    Hello Bob,

    Hope fine. The informations you gave me not complete, you only gave me your full name and your address. I will need-

    Country
    State
    City
    Zip Code
    Phone NumberDe1ete This BOOK.
    Bank Account

    Pls give me the above information then we can proceed. As for the lions I have to take some photographs of them before I scan and send to you, so you have to give me some time. Pls provide me with the remaining information Bob.

    Thanks,

    Jack

    From: Bob Servant
    To: Jack Thompson
    Subject: Here you go champ

    Jack my friend,

    What a wonderful morning, hope it’s a belter over there in Togo also.

    Zip Code – DD4 8RT
    City – Dundee
    Country – Scotland

    I’ll get the information from the bank later on. The Bank of Scotland in Broughty Ferry closes early on a Wednesday so the staff can go tenpin bowling . Please get the photos of the lions to me as soon as you can, then we can move on. I cannot wait to see those magnifi cent creatures. Are they currently in captivity, or will you actually be capturing them yourself? By Christ Jack, I wish I were on that hunt with you my friend. Helping you. And holding you.

    Yours Faithfully,

    Bob G Servant

    From: Jack Thompson
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: Pictures of the raw lions

    Hello Bob,

    You didn’t include phone number or bank account. I have made arrangement in transporting the 4 gold lions to you. I have put photos below. One costs $299,000 so 4 will cost over $1,196,000 then the rest will be in cash. These gold lions will be bought from a friend of mine’s company. So give me your phone number for better communication and bank information,

    Thanks,

    Jack

    From: Bob Servant
    To: Jack Thompson
    Subject: You have got to be kidding?

    Jack,

    Sorry about the delay, I was out getting my hair done. There appears to have been a slight misunderstanding my friend, I was expecting four live lions, not gold ones. If I stuck four lion statues in Frank’s zoo then he would think I’d lost the **** plot and would tell everyone that I’d gone mental again like when I first got the cheeseburger van money through and wore that dinosaur poncho for four months. The four photos you sent look great, if a little similar, but I’m afraid that you seem to have got the wrong end of the stick.

    Bob

    From: Jack Thompson
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: URGENT

    Hello Bob,

    Hope fi ne. Sorry i misunderstood you, 4 live lions will be much easier for me. Look Bob, I went to that security company yesterday i was told to get $4000 to process the document for retrieval of the boxes that contains the money. I have raised $2000 so i need you to assist me in the rest of the money. Immediately you send the remaining $2000 I will go to the security company so they can release the funds and I will purchase the lions immediately. I will pay you back the money with percentages.

    This is urgent, reply immediately.

    Jack

    From: Bob Servant
    To: Jack Thompson
    Subject: No Problem

    Jack,

    OK, can you send me the photos of the live lions? Where are you getting them? I will speak to the bank tomorrow, but $2,000 sounds fi ne, how much is that in pounds? The exchange rates in the Evening Telegraph are bollocks, they’re done by the same guy that does the horoscopes .

    Bob

    From: Jack Thompson
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: HURRY BOB

    Hello Bob,

    Bob $2000 is £1700. Pls try to send it so I can collect the fund from the security company and as well send the lions to you. These is the lion’s picture below. I have made arrangement of transporting it to you. I am buying four male lions from my friends private zoo and he has also arranged for shipment to Scotland. I will prefer you send the money through Western Union transfer, so I can collect the fund and start shipping the lions.

    Thanks,

    Jack

    From: Bob Servant
    To: Jack Thompson
    Subject: LION PICTURE

    Jack,

    Greetings my dear, dear friend. Jacky, there seems to have been another misunderstanding. I looked at the website that is listed on the photo of the lion you sent and it belongs a Boston-based author and nature lover.

    “I’m Tony Northrup. I live with my wife and cat in Woburn, Massachusetts, which is about 8 miles North-West of Boston”,

    he states quite clearly on his site.

    Now Jack, I’m not sure if I can see the connection between yourself and Tony. Perhaps you sent the wrong photo?

    Bob

    From: Jack Thompson
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: YOU MISUNDERSTAND

    Hello Bob,

    You are getting this all wrong Bob. I didn’t say that was the exact lion, I only gave you a clue on how the lion I will send looks like. If you want to see the exact lion I will send you must give me time to take it and scan it. So Bob my friend you don’t need to worry over this. This is Africa and you well know these animals are suffi cient here. My brother even rears a cub that’s a baby lioness in his house, so Bob expect the lion’s photograph later today. You haven’t said anything about the money I asked for? Have you spoken to your bank? I don’t think £1,700 should take long to send?

    Thanks,

    Jack

    From: Bob Servant
    To: Jack Thompson
    Subject: OK, I get it.

    Hi Jack,

    Thanks so much for putting my mind at rest and letting me know what a lion looks like. I have seen them in the past, in books and suchlike, so already had a fair idea but you have really helped me out there. For example, I had it in my head for some stupid reason that lions wore spectacles. I look forward to seeing the photo of the actual lions. I just popped my head over the garden wall and had a word with Frank.

    He was busy cleaning out his Flamengo cage but he did say that he is very, very excited about getting hold of these lions. He has asked me to pass on a few questions –

    Are they male or female?
    Are they in good physical decision?
    Do they talk?

    Thank you my friend, and don’t worry, I have booked in to see the bank manager tomorrow morning,

    Bob

    From: Jack Thompson
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: URGENT

    Hello Bob,

    Hope fi ne. Answer to the questions.

    1. The lions are all male lions and are very healthy.

    2. I don’t think I have ever seen a lion that talks.

    I don’t know if you are also interested in leopards cause my friend works in the Government Zoo and he could fi nd a leopard for you?

    Remember to speak to your bank tomorrow.

    Thanks,

    Jack

    From: Bob Servant
    To: Jack Thompson
    Subject: Leopards

    I have spoken to Frank. He will take two leopards as long as they are friendly, and one elephant if you can get it? Frank is sure that he saw a talking lion on the television once. He thinks it was either on Songs of Praise or Bullseye. He says it reminded him of Jim McLean, the old Dundee United manager. Are you sure you can’t get one?

    I am going to the bank in two hours,

    Bob

    From: Jack Thompson
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: URGENT

    Hello Bob,

    Hope fi ne. I can get you two leopards. They are both not adults. I will try and see if the elephant will be possible and will see what I can do for the lion. When you are back from bank mail me and tell me when you are sending the money.

    Thanks,

    Jack.

    From: Bob Servant
    To: Jack Thompson
    Subject: The Full List

    Jack,

    How are you my friend? Frank just called, he will take the following – 4 lions, 2 leopards, 1 elephant, 1 alligator, 2 parrots, 1 hedgehog. I said you might be able to get the two leopards and the elephant. How are you looking for the rest? And, of course, the talking lion?

    Frank has a good few quid. He’s worked for me on various bits and bobs and I’ve always looked after him so I think we should put our necks out on this one and make sure the lions talks.

    Bob

    From: Jack Thompson
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: URGENT

    Hello Bob.

    From your mail I will only be able to get

    4 lions
    2 leopards
    1 Alligator

    The hedgehog, parrots and elephant will take me some time to fi nd but I think I will fi rst send the four lions and two leopards to you before we proceed with the rest. Bob please send the £1,700 now so I can send the 4 lions and 2 leopards to you. I think one of the lions may talk a little.

    Thanks,

    Jack.

    From: Bob Servant
    To: Jack Thompson
    Subject: Sounds good

    Hi Jack,

    I will pass on the bad news to Frank on the hedgehog front. I’m not sure about a lion that only talks a little, I’d like one that isn’t so shy if possible?

    Bob

    From: Jack Thompson
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: THIS IS URGENT

    Bob:

    This is urgent. What is hapening?? I don’t sell animals. I only said I could get some lions to help you. Then you say you need a leopard and I say ok. Now you are saying the lion has to talk? What is this madness? Send me the £1700 that we agreed imeediately.

    Jack

    From: Bob Servant
    To: Jack Thompson
    Subject: Take it easy Jack

    Jack,

    What does the lion say when it talks? I am just checking that it won’t get me into any fi ghts.

    Your servant,

    Bob Servant

    From: Jack Thompson
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: THIS IS URGENT

    BOB LETS GO STRAIGHT TO THE POINT. THE LIONS AND LEOPARDS ARE HERE WITH ME AT THE BACK OF MY HOUSE THEY ARE FRIENDLY AND ONE OF THE LION TALKS. BOB SEND ME THE £1700 SO I CAN COLLECT THAT MONEY AND SHIP THEM TO YOU.

    JACK

    From: Bob Servant
    To: Jack Thompson
    Subject: Take it easy Jack

    Jack,

    Things are coming along nicely. I just need to know, for Frank’s benefi t more than anything –

    What are the names of the lions? (he needs to know what to call them when they are introduced)

    What does the lion say when it talks? (Again, who wants a lion that’ll get them into scraps?)

    The bank is preparing me some forms,

    Bob

    From: Jack Thompson
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: HERE IS THE INFORMATION

    Hello Bob,

    We have really wasted much time. Anyway, the information you asked for

    1. The lion with more hair is Captain
    2. The lion with black hair is Zoro

    The other two do not have names you can give them names yourself. And as for the lion that talks it’s ways of talking are strange. It does not pronounce words well it only makes sounds. Hope you understand now. Bob the security company has given me a day’s grace. This is very serious, I don’t think you realise what we are about to lose. Let me know when you will send the money and I will give you the info for Western Union.

    Jack

    From: Bob Servant
    To: Jack Thompson
    Subject: All looking good…

    Hello Jack,

    Sorry about the delay. I was round at Frank’s earlier and got stuck up a tree whilst chasing a snake, then fell off and banged my head on a chicken. You know what it’s like. Listen Jack, the bank needs to know which account and country the money would be going to?I had extended discussions with Frank at Doc Ferry’s bar this evening and he is absolutely delighted with the way things are going. He wants to know a last couple of things –

    Can he call the other lions ‘FANCY PANTS’, and ‘BRYAN’?

    Do the leopards sing, and are they willing to wear clothes?

    All the best babes,

    Bob

    From: Jack Thompson
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: GO TO WESTERN UNION

    Hello Bob,

    Sorry for what happened to you, hope you didn’t get injured. Tell your bank to send the money through Western Union.

    Money transfer to:

    Name: James Akiozie
    Country: Nigeria
    State/City: Lagos
    Branch: Surulor

    This is my very good friend name and address that is working in the bank. You will have to set a secret Question and Answer and be sure to send me the answer. As for the lions you can call them any name provided you shout when talking to them and always use the same name. And trained leopards like the one I have for you will wear any clothes you buy for them OK. Please send the money today,

    Jack
    De1ete This BOOK.
    From: Bob Servant
    To: Jack Thompson
    Subject: Nearly back to 100%

    Hello my good friend,

    Thanks so much for your kind words. I have nearly fully recovered from the fall and have just been chilling out ever since. I’ve still got a large bandage on my head however, and am too embarrassed to leave the house as then I’d have to tell people how I got the injury. The boys would love this one. If Tommy Peanuts or Chappy Williams got hold of it I’d not be able to show my face for weeks. I should be OK tomorrow and will nip up to the bank then. Just a quick question about the leopard, does it look a bit like this? Good luck my friend,

    Bob

    De1ete This
    From: Jack Thompson
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: URGENT

    HELLO BOB,

    I HOPE YOU ARE GETTING BETTER. I RECEIVED YOUR MAIL, SINCE YOU SAID TODAY YOU WILL BE GOING TO THE BANK PLEASE GO THERE RIGHT AWAY. AS FOR THE LEOPARD THE SKIN ARE ALIKE, THAT’S THE WAY IT LOOKS LIKE, SO PLEASE TRY AS MUCH AS YOU CAN TO RECOVER SO YOU CAN BE ABLE TO GO TO THE BANK. I WILL BE EXPECTING YOUR REPLY SOONEST.

    THANKS.

    JACK

    From: Bob Servant
    To: Jack Thompson
    Subject: What a Let Down

    Jack,

    I have some bad news my friend. I have just been to the bank and the guy there said that I cannot send you any money as I do not have any in my account. In actual fact, it turns out that I owe them over eight grand. I tried to explain that I needed to send you this money for the lions and the leopard but the guy said I was a **** lunatic and got the security man to throw me out. I’m really sorry Jack, I hope I haven’t wasted your time in any way, I can’t see how I could have, but I’m afraid that the deal is off. Good luck my friend, and good luck with the animals. If they get too much then you’d probably be OK just releasing them?

    Love,

    Bob

    From: Jack Thompson
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: Urgent

    Hello Bob,

    You see do you really still need lions and leopard? I will help you out sending it for you free but what you only have to do is to send just $700 or $500 for shipping it to Scotland. If you can go to another bank to send that money to me just take the money from home and tell them you want to send that money through Western Union money transfer to that name i gave to you earlier on. It is easy. Do it today.

    Jack

    From: Jack Thompson
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: Urgent

    Bob?

    fervouredimage(?) That is sooo funny…..Quality.

    cfinnimore
    Member

    All I visualise in my head is-with the right people and skills- an EXCELLENT short-film.

    Get this up on a Crowdfunding like site.

    I’d buy it, imagine the debacle.

    Premier Icon Coyote
    Subscriber

    ^^^This^^^

    All I visualise in my head is-with the right people and skills- an EXCELLENT short-film.

    Get this up on a Crowdfunding like site.

    I’d buy it, imagine the debacle.

    I think it’s already in the process. I’m aware these scam email exchanges have become a serialised Radio 4 show. Google Bob Servant books and you’ll find them. I’d highly recommend them. Laugh out loud stuff.

    Premier Icon coolhandluke
    Subscriber

    That made me and Mrs Coolhandluke laugh out loud at breakfast?

    Great

    atlaz
    Member

    In terms of your legal representation, I always quite liked the one in the Todd Margaret TV programme, “Young & Knott Legal”.

    cfinnimore
    Member

    Great minds indeed, collective!

    Premier Icon unklehomered
    Subscriber

    Bob Servant was adapted for Radio 4 with Brian Cox as Bob, and it was bloody brilliant! It was called the Bob Servent Emails… I imagine if there was such a thing as naughty internet things called bittorrents, or something, you might find it there… If you were naughty… but you shouldn’t be naughty, Mkay?

    smudge
    Member

    Gotta be thread of the year so far 8) wouldnt of minded a sneak picture of Fatti though 😉

    rmacattack
    Member

    get fatty boom booms pic up

    atlaz
    Member

    Any reply from Fatti?

    smudge
    Member

    Yes, could do with the daily update

    rmacattack
    Member

    any more updates?

Viewing 37 posts - 1 through 37 (of 37 total)

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