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  • Daughter got christened – Unknown to me
  • SBrock
    Member

    Me & my partner split up at Christmas, very sadly we have a 6 month old daughter who I love and adore. The past few months my ex has been very awkward about access to seeing Freya my daughter. I have always tried to be very amicable but the break up was pretty bad and she is very bitter.

    I have been threatened that to see my daughter I will have to go to court to see, usually this backfires on my ex, because she needs me to help out looking after Freya. When i do return Freya home, there is always some text’s later saying Freya is upset, ill, hungry – implying that I have not fed looked after her, not fed her etc etc which is totally untrue. Basically my ex is just so unreasonable I am at a loss what to do next.

    However I have just found out Freya got christened yesterday form a mutual friend! WTF Im not very happy about this as none of my family were invited, I am totally against being it as well. My parents are incredibly upset – my ex has basically done something that should of been discussed at least with as I have parental responsibility for Freya. I know I can’t do anything about it now, but it just seems that she is calling all the shots and in reality she can control me regarding access to Freya.

    I do have one card up my sleeve though, as I have Freya’s birth certificates and I am going to apply for her passport (this is legal as I have parental responsibility) as I know my ex is taking her abroad in September and she will need the passport – I was thinking of using the passport to get a proper legal agreement with a solicitor about access? I know its a bit wrong morally but I have been treated like crap for trying to be a good father to my daughter.

    Thanks any input would be grateful

    iDave
    Member

    you know that when your ex gets your daughters passport for the holiday you’ll never see it again?

    SBrock
    Member

    I know that – if I apply for her passport and I have it in my legal possession can she apply for a duplicate?

    trail_rat
    Member

    if I apply for her passport and I have it in my legal possession can she apply for a duplicate?

    not unless your daughter has a job that requires two – unlikely.

    Ive just jumped through the hoops required to get two.

    globalti
    Member

    You can get two passports if you can demonstrate enough reason.

    I would use the birth certificate as bargaining chip but do it through a solicitor and do it sensibly and in a cool, civilised manner keeping a record of everything. Stupid behaviour will not earn you any favours when it comes to a legal battle at any time in the future.

    grum
    Member

    What a terribly sad state of affairs. I don’t really have much practical advice sorry, other than asking is there any way the two of you can enter some kind of mediation to try and work through your problems? It’s going to be very bad for the kid to have constant feuding like this throughout growing up. 🙁

    iDave
    Member

    maybe part of an agreement for access can be that the passport is returned to a third party after each trip by you or your ex?

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Subscriber

    I was thinking of using the passport to get a proper legal agreement with a solicitor about access?

    how about getting proper legal agreement with a solicitor irrespective of passports?

    ouch, sorry to hear about your situation! not going to pretend to be knowledgeable enough about this to give any advice but mrsconsequence is good with this kinda thing, will forward her a link and if she’s got time today she’ll hopefully check it out and post.

    Lifer
    Member

    Can’t begin to understand what it’s like but I think there are two main choices, either play your ex at her own game and get the passport for ‘leverage’ or seek mediation as soon as possible to get something amicable and official sorted out.

    Personally I can’t see the passport thing going well, it will make your ex more belligerent and probably make the whole thing more stressful.

    $0.02

    Premier Icon Stoner
    Subscriber

    Your ex will be able to get a certified copy of the birth certificate from the registrar. Passport not going to be a lever. You need proper legal advice.

    As for christening, don’t sweat it. It’s a bit of mumbo jumbo that means as much to her now as it will when she’s grown up to be a rational agnostic…sweet eff all 🙂 and you managed to dodge the most knacker twisting dirge the church could ever have invented.

    SBrock
    Member

    Mediation is not an option I have tried that but she has dismissed it!

    I agree that the passport thing may make things worse so I’m being very careful at the minute. She does not know that I have her birth certificate at the minute but she will do soon when she tries to look for it to apply for her passport.

    All I want is to have reasonable access to my daughter. My ex has already told me i can’t have her overnight until she is a year old – then she will probably move the goalposts again so I am always being controlled.

    I know I can go to court, but that costs money and I can’t afford it as I’m paying rent and half a mortgage!

    Quite honestly I think my ex is worried I’m going to have a good relationship with my daughter – unlike my ex’s other kids & respective fathers who she lags off in front of her other kids!

    Thanks to STW massive for the responses

    SBrock
    Member

    Stoner – Yes the christening is a farce! My ex just wanted a day out to take some pics of my daughter looking pretty and getting pissed. Nothing to do with god then!

    SBrock
    Member

    ouch, sorry to hear about your situation! not going to pretend to be knowledgeable enough about this to give any advice but mrsconsequence is good with this kinda thing, will forward her a link and if she’s got time today she’ll hopefully check it out and post.

    Very kind, Thanks

    globalti
    Member

    Er… she’s got other kids by different fathers?

    So what does she get from these other fathers towards the upkeep of herself and her kids?

    Premier Icon hels
    Subscriber

    It is not that difficult to get a copy of a Birth Certificate.

    Then next time you have the chance get your daughtered inducted into some other religion.

    Premier Icon Stoner
    Subscriber

    for a proper laugh you should read the utter **** gibberish that are the words of the service itself:
    http://www.churchofengland.org/prayer-worship/worship/book-of-common-prayer/public-baptism-of-infants.aspx

    load of hooey.

    WE yield thee hearty thanks, most merciful Father, that it hath pleased thee to regenerate this Infant with thy Holy Spirit, to receive him for thine own Child by adoption, and to incorporate him into thy holy Church. And humbly we beseech thee to grant that he being dead unto sin, and living unto righteousness, and being buried with Christ in his death, may crucify the old man, and utterly abolish the whole body of sin; and that, as he is made partaker of the death of thy Son, he may also be partaker of his resurrection; so that finally, with the residue of thy holy Church, he may be an inheritor of thine everlasting kingdom; through Christ our Lord.

    I’d suggest sorting the passport and giving it to your ex as a token of goodwill. Perhaps this could open the door to her being more receptive to your needs? it seems to me that ‘bargaining tools’ in situations like this would most likely lead to more animosity between parties.

    Then again, maybe I’m wrong.

    Lifer
    Member

    Mediation is not an option I have tried that but she has dismissed it!

    I know I can go to court, but that costs money and I can’t afford it as I’m paying rent and half a mortgage!

    Get yourself down to Citizens Advice asap in that case. Did she say why she didn’t want mediation?

    SBrock
    Member

    globalti – Member
    Er… she’s got other kids by different fathers?

    So what does she get from these other fathers towards the upkeep of herself and her kids?

    about £700 a month in maintenance!

    iDave
    Member

    Stoner, they’re opening themselves up to failing to deliver benefits as stated under contract… if that child fails to inherit the Kingdom of god I’d be straight onto a lawyer.

    I think applying for a passport will pee off the ex even more…

    She is really taking advantage of having your daughter though and legally I think she should have consulted you before making the religious decision. It’s so rubbish that going to court costs so much money when you’re not on benefits… Are you paying mortgage on house she lives in and your own rent?!

    If you have PR, could try not returning your daughter and tell her go to court for access.. No bad advice. But legally she can’t control access if there is no legal order in place stating she had residency or custody.

    Please note I have no extensive legal training, just experience through work with contact orders – usually violence in relationship so different situation. But women can be absolute psychos in these situations. Perhaps fathers for justice may have a helpline or something??

    rustler
    Member

    I’d not be handing the kid back next time. Sorry, probably against all the rules, but at this point surely its no different to what she’s doing (assuming there has been no legal agreemnent in place at this point).
    Get a good solicitor & record everything. Make sure the mother has access, but on your terms.

    Premier Icon Dickyboy
    Subscriber

    Focus on what is important – ie time with your daughter, might mean biting your lip & being a doormat for a while / foreseeable future but I can’t see trying to use your daughters passport as a lever going very well. Really hope you can work this one out.

    Premier Icon Stoner
    Subscriber

    he may be an inheritor of thine everlasting kingdom

    Do you have to pay inheritance tax on that?

    ex’s other kids & respective fathers

    😯

    I hope you sort things out but it sounds like you have been shafted.

    I have just found out Freya got christened yesterday form a mutual friend! WTF Im not very happy about this as none of my family were invited, I am totally against being it as well. My parents are incredibly upset

    I think I can figure out why you and none of your family were invited, you might be able to too if you think about it ?

    To be fair you don’t come across as a particularly reasonable person, apparently you are totally against the christening on the grounds that it means nothing.

    “she needs me to help out looking after Freya”

    I doubt very much that you are the only person your ex can find to look after her 6 month old daughter……..I reckon you are probably kidding yourself.

    I also doubt that she is completely unreasonable at every given opportunity as you appear to suggest, whilst you on the other hand, represent the paragon of sensibility and restraint ………. relationships in life are rarely if ever that simple. Also you trying to pull the birth certificate stroke is a bit of a give-away.

    Take it to court and go for the jugular. Unfortunately the only way to go.

    warton
    Member

    I’d not be handing the kid back next time

    Whatever you do, do not do this. Its a terrible situation you’re in, and I feel for you, but play it by the book. speak to a solicitor and see where you stand, don’t stoop to her level. chin up!

    Lifer
    Member

    What was that all about Ernie? Completely needless.

    warton
    Member

    What was that all about Ernie? Completely needless.

    +1

    +2

    Sorry I didn’t stick to the rule which states that in such circumstances, all posters must agree with the OP.

    But I’m funny like that – breaking the rules that is …….surely you must have noticed before ?

    grum
    Member

    Think ernie was being pretty harsh but there is probably some truth to this bit…

    I also doubt that she is completely unreasonable at every given opportunity as you appear to suggest, whilst you on the other hand, represent the paragon of sensibility and restraint ………. relationships in life are rarely if ever that simple.

    boblo
    Member

    The passpeot is a red herring – forget it. It’s trivial and peevish – rise above it and don’t do it.

    Find a way to get proper advice and enforceable access. Whilst doing this, get the financial situation formalised as well. If you ex is gettiung contributions from other dads, your contribution may be impacted by that.

    globalti
    Member

    Just to put this in perspective and I’m sorry if it causes offence, but older member of this forum will be shocked that the ex seems to have several children by different fathers and will conclude that her agenda is to get as much money out of the fathers and the State as possible in order to finance her lifestyle. Whether this is down to cunning or fecklessness is impossible to know but it doesn’t bode well for the future of the OP’s relationship with his ex or their child. She will be well advised by friends in similar situations and the OP will need a good solicitor and lots of cash if he is to get access to his daughter. Even a legal agreement will be almost impossible to enforce because human behaviour doesn’t usually comply with bits of paper.

    To be smugly patronising for a second younger members of the forum will probably just think the ex’s selfish lifestyle choice is “kewl”.

    Sorry.

    Premier Icon Nick
    Subscriber

    You need to be 100% honest with yourself about the situation, what Ernie is getting at is that there is always two sides to every story.

    My ex, 18 years ago, had our son named Jamie, I wanted him named James, maybe she did it to spite me, so what, he’s still my son. To be fair I’d spent most of the pregnancy acting like a tw.t. Spent the next 15 years just about getting along but falling our pretty regularly, guess who suffered the most from our animosity?

    Don’t play games, don’t try to control the situation, just focus on doing the best for your daughter, the relationship with your ex will improve if you don’t try to force her to do what you want but it might take time, years.

    Be on time, ask ex what daughter needs (clothing etc) rather than just handing over cash, if your ex is being a bitch then just smile and ignore, don’t let her or your daughter see any frustration. It will get easier and the most important thing is that you are there for your daughter.

    Explore the advice you can get from CAB, knowledge can give you confidence which will help reduce frustration, but don’t use it as a lever against your ex as she will just resent it.

    Keep calm.

    Premier Icon molgrips
    Subscriber

    To be smugly patronising for a second younger members of the forum will probably just think the ex’s selfish lifestyle choice is “kewl”

    You what?

    I would go down the court route now.

    Premier Icon spooky_b329
    Subscriber

    If you are getting accused of neglecting the babies needs (sleep/food) etc then just start keeping a diary of each day and give her a copy each day. I believe its common among childminders.

    Then if she starts complaining of tiredness you can refer her back to the diary of the day. I can’t really see how she can diagnose what is wrong from a crying baby and point the finger at you without knowing whats gone on during the day. Ideally she would do the same for you, otherwise you will you know if she didn’t feed properly earlier in the day?

    If it goes a step further and she accuses you of neglect to prevent access/overnight stays, at least you have built up some evidence in your favour.

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