The missus has decided that now is the time to have sproglets. Bit of a leap of faith and what not. Anyway, just wondering if any of you did anything different to usual and how long it took until you’d conceived?

Couple of minutes, same as normal.

As far as advice goes, I’d suggest waiting until your banjo has healed.

It depends what your usual is.

Jesus Christ, do you need advice on shagging your wife?

Just get on with it you bloody snowflake.

Some nice scented candles might help to get you in the mood.

https://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/all-the-best-things-sell-out-so-fast/

Go to the cinema a lot. You won’t be going again for about 20 years.

Try and use this time to remember what you did before little accident arrives…

Drink loads of booze, masturbate a lot and hit yourself in the balls regularly. You won’t regret it.

Download an app that tracks your wife’s fertility cycle and use the info to up your masturbating at the dangerous times.

Download an app that tracks your wife’s fertility cycle and use the info to

….. Avoid her at those key times.

Bike ride? Business trip? Pub?

The planet is on it’s arse because of over population, just get her to give you a good ole hand shandy instead.

Or give her the hand shandy…

1) full coitus every other day. keep levels topped up.
2) spermicidal lubricant. extend the every other day for as long as possible.

Have the snip without saying?

Just put your lack of drive down to a cycle injury until you are confirmed as a jaffa?

The planet is on it’s arse because of over population, just get her to give you a good ole hand shandy instead.

Plus 1

As I’ve said previously, stop it! They’re “little ones” or “babies” for a very short amount of time. They’re people. Who you will have the responsibility to introduce into the world as well adjusted, balanced personalities. Here’s a clue, there’s 7billion people on this planet and none of us are balanced and well adjusted.

Don’t do it.
End of thread.

Ignore the politically and ecologically opinionated internet warriors and enjoy yourself, your about 9-12 months away from another fantastic period of your life.

fantastically expensive period

Fixed that for you

while I agree that the planet is on its knees, (as shall you be with all the shagging that you’ll have to do), if we all stopped procreation immediately then no kid will be born after October 2020 and the population will die out in around 2100.

This is bad for several reasons, not least because I’ve just bought a 1kg tin of putoline chain wax and if it lasts as long as TJ says, I need descendants to pass it down to, otherwise I’ll be guilty of the overconsumption that has the planet on its knees in the first place.

So i favour a policy of controlled procreation, and need you and the Mrs to undergo a series of deep and probing tests to see if you are appropriate as future populants of project earth. It’s a work in progress, but as a starter….

Is she called Louise?

(more seriously – just in case it doesn’t work out, go and see Rhod Gilbert’s show “Book of John” https://rhodgilbertcomedian.com/ – he does a section on his and his otherhalf’s difficulties in conceiving and subsequent clinical experiences….. just to say I never knew Rob Brydon would be capable of such things)

Iirc you’ll be needing a cup of water beside the bed for after.

Fixed that for you

I was trying to be positive.  With two of my own though, I’m not not going to disagree…

Forget timings, obvs avoid the painters but otherwise as above keep the levels topped up, we were advised every three days, your swimmers last up to five in the womb. More importantly, enjoy yourself and turn up the passion, do not make it mechanical/duty. Research shows that the more ‘horny’ you are, the more likely conception is. The pressure eg – ‘tonight is target practice darling’ makes it less likely.
Take zinc.

oh dont worry she has already worked all this out.

Ignore all the miserable doom mongers and just crack on with lots of sex. Do go to the cinema lots though and practice your bewildered face as it will become your most used expression.

+2 for don’t have them. Perhaps the greenest thing you can do

Lots of sex.

Was the advice the Obs and Gynae consults gave to us, they suggested at least daily if not more.  make the most of it as it’ll practically stop once your crouch fruit arrive.

And as mentioned if it’s a passionate when you nut off there’s more of the baby gravy so increases your chances.

Are you sanctimonious “dont have kids they are bad for the planet” types all living like child free eco warriors? Hope so.

Nope – we’re people who’ve had kids hence being able to categorically say to NOT have any kids to others!
Love mine but I would not have them if the option to do it over presented itself.

Just think of all the bike gear/trips you could buy instead, while having considerably lower stress levels! 😆

Olly
Yes. A large part of the reason I have no kids

In.

Out.

Repeat if necessary.

The out part is only necessary so you don’t have to walk around like 2 post copulation dogs.

Go to Torquay…..worked for me.
You have to have one because someone has to inherit your house, money, bikes etc although having said that mine isn’t getting the car because he always turns them into some sort of fairground attraction.

Add more romance?

Music?

Candles?

🎥 🍿

Massage?

What Crikey said.

Personally do not want kids and enjoying not being a parent.

Go out for dinner a lot. You won’t be able to enjoy a meal in peace for the next 10 years

This thread is peak STW condescending arsehole central.

Bravo.

we went to Norway

This thread is peak STW condescending arsehole central.

Bravo.

Isn’t it…. Just a weird weird place at times this… Sometimes amazing, sometimes i despair, not because these lot think i should, but because of their actual thoughts…. I’m like the Anti-STWer at times.

Are you sanctimonious “dont have kids they are bad for the planet” types all living like child free eco warriors? Hope so.

Nope. But given procreating is the biggest single impact you can have on the planet I’d suggest that we are entitled to consume a little, it’s you breeders who should be living like eco-warriers to offset the mess you’re making.

Anyway, to the OP, based on at least one of my friends actions, take a pile of intoxicants and then have some of the worst sex he’s ever had whilst on a horrible comedown.

I believe blue Wkd is an aid in situations like this too

we went to Norway

Is this better than the OXO tower for the OP’s purpose?