What did the bra say to the hat?

You go ahead, I’ll give these two a lift.

When vultures fly long distance, do they take carrion luggage?

My wife is worried that I’m addicted to drinking brake fluid but I reckon I can stop any time I like.

Went to the zoo.

In one enclosure was a table with freshly made toast on a plate!?!?!?

The sign said it was bread in captivity

Sorry been done

What goes down but doesn’t come up?

A yo.

What’s the difference between genital herpes and true love?

herpes is forever

My latest T shirt slogan is, Autistic children rock!

What did the horse say to the legless jockey?

How are you getting on?

I hope that one day we can rid the world of plagiarism.

You may say I’m a dreamer but I’m not the only one.

I’m off on holiday next week which is causing me some concern because every time I go through customs I have to have a drink.

I’m borderline alcoholic.

I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?

I saw a man with a trolley full of horseshoes and rabbit’s feet earlier, trying to get it up a hill.

I thought, he’s pushing his luck.

I took two stuffed dogs onto “Flog It.”
The expert examined them and said,”They’re a fine example of the celebrated Johns Brothers of London.Taxidermists whose work is very sought after.”
“Do you know what they might fetch if they were in good condition?”asks the expert.
I said, “Yes. Sticks”

My car failed its emissions test today.

Absolutely fuming.

Elton John’s tribute song to Mother Theresa?

Sandals in the bin.

I paid a dyslexic working girl fifteen quid the other day. She took me round the back of the Co-op and cooked my sock.

I have weird hay fever. Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm. The doctor asked if I was taking anything for it, I said, “yes, pepper.”

Sad news..

At the Nestle factory today a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath…

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted “The milky bars are on me” everyone cheered.

A group of chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel reception for discussing their winning games.

The manager can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Where do you get camel milk from?

A dromedairy.

My old maths teacher was terrified of negative numbers. He’d stop at nothing to avoid them.

A girl in my office has been visiting a personal trainer for a year now in preparation for her wedding.

I thought “how long is the aisle going to be?”

People say I’m condescending. That means I talk down to people.

I remember the first time I used my Universal Remote Control; amazing. I thought “this changes everything”

I went to the Black Country Museum last weekend and visited the working blacksmiths.

When I asked if I could have a go at making a horseshoe he asked me if I’d ever shoe’d a horse before.

I replied “no, but I once told a donkey to eff off”.

My grandfather drowned in a barrel of varnish.

it was a horrible end, but a lovely finish.

What sits on your shoulder and says “pieces of seven, pieces of seven”?

A parroty error

What sits on your shoulder and says “pieces of seven, pieces of seven”?

A parroty error

That’s one of my all-time favourite geek jokes.

I’d tell you a joke about UDP, but I don’t know if you’d get it.

I was on a night out at the end of last week when I spotted Elton John, so i punched him square in the face.

He called the police and had me arrested, the two faced bastard!

I’d tell you a joke about UDP, but I don’t know if you’d get it.

You’d better tell me the TCP joke then.

I saw Prince Charles and Camilla heading for Cornwall yesterday on the motorway hogging the middle lane and had no option but to undertake them…

I passed the Duchy on the left hand side.

What is a Shih tzu?

One with no animals in it.

I’d tell you a joke about UDP, but I don’t know if you’d get it.

I got offered a job on the back of that joke… A classic

What’s an ‘ig’?

An igloo without a toilet.

DrP

Two Whales got out of a Van wearing shorts and helmets

i soon realised they were Bike Park Whales

^^

Ah, that old chesnut. My granddad used to tell me that joke when I was a wee nipper..

DrP

Have you been hit with a rhythm stick?

You may be entitled to personal Ian Dury compensation

How d’you get two whales in a Mini?

Down the M6 to Liverpool and turn right.