Coping

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  • Coping
  • sc-xc
    Member

    Yesterday, my wife of 10 years , and mother to my two kids (12 & 5) announced that she was in love with a guy who is 26. I’m 41, she’s 36.

    Where the **** do I go from here?

    Premier Icon Pik n Mix
    Subscriber

    For a ride, clear your head.

    gears_suck
    Member

    Let it happen and take care of yourself and the kids. Fighting to keep her is a waste of time I’d say, but the kids need major support right now. So you think about them. There’ll be time to think about your own needs when things settle down in the not to distant future.

    Premier Icon zippykona
    Subscriber

    Through the very pits of hell.
    It doesn’t go on forever and YOU WILL come out the otherwise.
    Good luck and surround yourself with love.

    JCL
    Member

    Do a poo in her sock drawer.

    sc-xc
    Member

    I have come to my mums house. I am in her spare room, with a gash on my head from head butting a thing in the gym last night. I have read the grief model, and I’m stuck between anger and depression.

    The younger guy won’t stick around. Think of your children and yourself. Tough times mate. You will get through it.

    sc-xc
    Member

    Just lying here crying

    Premier Icon Drac
    Subscriber

    Ring some mates, have ya Ma cook a big fatty fry up, ride bikes, pop to the pub just for a couple and have a good old laugh with your mates. Come home to your Ma’s big Sunday’s dinner, it’ll take time but friends and family will help you.

    Best of luck.

    Premier Icon scaredypants
    Subscriber

    Try to be calm, GO BACK HOME, and deal with this all in a civilised manner as best you can. It’s likely that this other bloke will **** off soon enough; the question is what you want your marriage to be like afterwards.

    Please don’t approach the other bloke

    (the above applies most particularly if you want to maintain access to your kids)

    sc-xc
    Member

    I did go home this morning, but her matter of factness about it all got too much, and I knew I would say things that would be counterproductive, so I left. (I really wanted to throw my coffee at her)

    My lad has been fb messaging me, I am telling him that we both still love him, and that he mustn’t be mad with his mum, and that she’s a great mum.

    toys19
    Member

    My lad has been fb messaging me, I am telling him that we both still love him, and that he mustn’t be mad with his mum, and that she’s a great mum.

    Keep this up. You will win out in the end, when you have found a newer better partner and your kids love being with you because you were never an arsehole you will thank yourself for taking the hit’s like Mohammed Ali. I now it sounds lame but everyone on here feels your pain. Dedicate your life to your kids, and enjoy the moments when you have freedom. Life is going to get better.

    slackalice
    Member

    As scaredypants suggests chap. Sounds like it’s come as a shock to you? That in itself will take a bit of time to adjust to, so one day at a time may well seem rather trite at this moment, but it’s probably one of the better coping mechanism’s you can choose to adopt while it’s still feeling very raw.

    And find someone to talk stuff through, I have no doubt that you’ll be feeling a mix of extreme emotions and these will become less extreme as things progress and let the process happen in its own time.

    Maintain your integrity, find ways (like the bike riding) to release any anger, resentment, frustration and try to take control of the situation on your terms.

    You’ll get through this, good from bad. In every situation and you’ll be a better person for it.

    I very rarely contribute to these threads, but..

    . I now it sounds lame

    see that, well, IMHO, the best advice you can get and the best things you can do just now will seem to be the lamest. You’ll probably want to do SOMETHING but don’t know what, and being desperate to do something will do something that makes things worse. You seem to keeping a lid on things, even if it’s hard to do that – just keep focussed on the kids and what’s best for them – remember this can b a serously frightening and confusing time for them
    Other than, what to do next, that’s up to you. Probably nothing for the time being, just get your heard sorted out, once you can see beyond the shock and the pain, you’ll be in a better place to look ahead – which all sounds completely lame, I know
    I hope things work out for you

    Been there mate so feel for you, it’s a tough time and now your relationship with the kids is paramount, in my case he wasn’t younger just wealthier.
    Don’t make any commitments to anything, stay calm, take notes, protect your money and get a good lawyer. Play the long game, you do come out the other side and life moves on. Good luck mate.

    jekkyl
    Member

    What an absolute cow!

    Premier Icon scaredypants
    Subscriber

    I did go home this morning, but her matter of factness about it all got too much, and I knew I would say things that would be counterproductive, so I left. (I really wanted to throw my coffee at her)

    It’s new to you so you want to talk about it. For her, she’s been building up to telling you for a while and is pretty certain of her feelings (has to be, as she’s burning her boats regarding your relationship, at least a bit). I doubt this means she hates you or any of that stuff but she’s already thought it all through and I guess a conversation can only be about the negatives for her.
    I still say go home. Be with your kids; you’re not going for your wife’s benefit. There’ll probably come a time for you and your wife to talk in the coming days/weeks.

    Inbred456
    Member

    Sounds like you’re handling this really well. Better than I would be. Put the kids first and everything else will in time sort it’s self out. Good luck. Don’t move out, this is her problem not yours. Be with your kids etc If she isn’t happy get her to move out and share the kids.

    Do you feel less awesome because of what she has done, I don’t know anything about your situation but mine did a runner with a tree surgeon in his 20s. After a week it was more a case of don’t look a gift horse in the mouth it’s just a big change, that is all you will probably find out its on a par with being liberated from occupation, Also when the fun has worn off with her new amour you may hear let’s get back for the sake of the kids, your relationship will be fine without the baggage mate believe me

    Premier Icon matt_outandabout
    Subscriber

    I have no insight to help you sxxc, but I can offer a virtual hug.

    sc-xc
    Member

    Thanks all. I’m not handling it well, I am in tears because I love her so much.

    I can’t be in the same house as her just yet, and I only have the bollocks to talk to my lad through fb. I know I should go home and give the kids a cuddle, but I haven’t slept, and I am worried that they will see me arguing with their mum. Who I desperately love.

    Premier Icon dannybgoode
    Subscriber

    Such a horrible situation to be in and not one I am very qualified to offer much advice on.

    But, having had a dad **** off me (and I know you are not about to do that with your son) I know how it feels to want to have a dad around so just do want you can to have the best relationship possible with your son.

    Other than that my thoughts are with you.

    sugdenr
    Member

    you need to let it out and go through the emotion but not infront of her, you also need distractions like riding, drinking, seeing mates to have a laugh and stuff so you keep grounded that its a change not a disaster.
    until you can cope enough to suck it up and deal with it you arent ready but do get legal advice and councelling tomorrow.
    and you must sleep everything is easier to cope with after sleep but lack of sleep really screws your head up

    Premier Icon cinnamon_girl
    Subscriber

    Is it possible for you and your wife to sit down and talk, away from your children? Has she been herself? Anything she’s been worried about? Any of her friends confided in you? She could be having some sort of personal crisis that she’s unable to resolve.

    You really need to get to the bottom of this. Relationships are never easy and need to be worked at.

    You both need to talk and then talk some more. Take care of yourself.

    sc-xc
    Member

    She told me she doesn’t want to work it out, because she’s in love with this guy (who she met less than 1 month ago). I have asked her to try relate, or to talk, but she is saying that if she loved me, this wouldn’t have happened – therefore she can’t love me.

    She had a stroke 3 years ago which was he’ll, but we got through it. Part of her brain tissue in her left frontal lobe is irreparably damaged, which may lead to these kind of decisions, but I’m not underestimating the strength of feelings she has for this guy.

    Premier Icon martinhutch
    Subscriber

    The more compassion, love and dignity you can muster at this point, tough as it seems, the better you will feel about yourself in a year’s time. The stroke thing makes me think your partner may need an equal dose of this, no matter how roughly she’s treating you right now.

    Good luck.

    gobuchul
    Member

    because she’s in love with this guy (who she met less than 1 month ago).

    Part of her brain tissue in her left frontal lobe is irreparably damaged, which may lead to these kind of decisions,

    That sounds really terrible mate. Heart goes out to you.

    She obviously can’t be “in love” with someone she met less than a month ago. Regarding the other bloke does he know that she is leaving her husband for him after a few weeks?

    I really can’t give you any advice on how to deal with this!

    Have you spoke with the MiL?

    sc-xc
    Member

    Yeahs he knows. Mil phoned me last night in tears. It’s gonna tear apart everything.

    I know nothing about you or your situation sc-xc but I do know from this comment “I love her so much” that you will be going through a living nightmare which will be as bad as if she had died.

    And despite not knowing your situation I know it’s highly probable that your wife is extremely confused, in a state of crises herself, and very far from happy. Things happen for all manner of reasons.

    Try to get her to agree to talk, with you, to a professional councellor such as from Relate, who is trained to help people in this very far from uncommon situation.

    There might of course be a lot more, but, “I’m in love with someone else” however hurtful it might be for you, doesn’t in itself necessarily spell the end.

    scaredypants comment carries much wisdom :

    “It’s likely that this other bloke will **** off soon enough; the question is what you want your marriage to be like afterwards.”

    Do you even know how the other bloke feels ?

    Edit : I just seen this :

    I have asked her to try relate, or to talk, but she is saying that if she loved me, this wouldn’t have happened – therefore she can’t love me.

    I’ve heard that false logic before. Apart from anything it is perfectly feasible to be in love with two different people, unfortunately. She does sound confused. I would still work on trying to get her to see Relate. Don’t pressure her though, give her space, perhaps someone else can advise her ?

    Premier Icon fadda
    Subscriber

    scxc – had similar about 18 months ago. Somehow, I had the common sense to make sure that every single decision that I made was based around what was the best thing for our 7 y-o boy.

    It was an awful year or so – not always, but regularly, when I had to be civil etc etc.

    Things are now very good, and I look back with pride on how well our son has come through it.

    Be strong, try to swallow your pride when you feel like lashing out, and lean on your mates – they can truly be awesome.

    Don’t know where you are, but if you’re near S Wales and fancy a ride/beer whatever, then let me know…

    sc-xc
    Member

    She says their feelings are mutual

    She said though that if she doesn’t leave for him, she doesn’t love me anyway. So I guess I have to accept that.

    Funny thing is, we are half way through building a great extension, just booked a week in Tunisia in Easter, booked festival tickets , booked a half term holiday in May, booked summer holiday etc

    gogg
    Member

    My lad has been fb messaging me, I am telling him that we both still love him, and that he mustn’t be mad with his mum, and that she’s a great mum.

    That takes balls. Look after your kids, maybe try and see the doctor yourself to seek an opinion if this is attributable to the stroke, it won’t make it any easier, but you’ll “know” that there’s nothing you can do.

    A few years back, my brother and his girlfriend had just bought an expensive new home together, within three weeks she’d left him for a new guy at work. Nothing had happened with the new guy at work, but she said “if she could feel this way about XXXX, the it wasn’t right with him”. He was gutted, she was the “love of his life”, he was 26. A string of failed relationships later (over 13 years), he’s finally found the right one and got married 18 months later. But at the time he’d have crawled over broken glass and red hot coals for his ex.

    Have a couple of beers with mates, ride a lot, take your kids out and do stuff with them. Maybe have a weekend away from home with a couple of mates and get shitfaced drunk*, but don’t do that near home or near a phone.

    *That one worked for me when an ex left me for a “good friend”.

    Do all the things you would normally do with your kids.

    Focus on the kids.

    Consider moving home, even if it means sleeping on the sofa, it will make it harder for the new guy to just pop round when it’s convenient for him. If he has to put more effort in, he might decide it’s too much trouble??

    Be cool, stay strong for your kids, and cry when they’re not around, don’t bottle it up.

    Premier Icon MoreCashThanDash
    Subscriber

    No experience myself, though been close a couple of times.

    Your kids need you more than ever right now, you need to be with them if at all possible. Sounds like family are there for you, everyone here will be there for you, so you should worry about the kids.

    And from what I’ve read on other similar threads, you need to be keeping one eye on not being the one who has moved out of the house.

    She may well feel she is “in love” with him after a short time, it’s the staying in love that’s the tough part. You need to be strong for the kids, give yourself time to clear your head (and riding is great for that) and see where all of you are in another month or two’s time.

    sc-xc
    Member

    Thanks again everyone. I know what the advice would be if I was giving it to someone else…just hard to think straight right now. My lad has just bed in touch to say bek has taken eleanor (my 5 yo) to the park, so he is coming row to my mums for a chat.

    slackalice
    Member

    Whereabouts are you sc-xc? I feel for you and if you’re around Hants, Surrey, Sussex and fancy a beer or ride with a complete stranger who enjoys listening and been known to impart the occasional insight, I’d be honoured to help.

    sc-xc
    Member

    West kids, but thanks for the offers guys.

    I think I need a day of crying, anguish, shit…then start on the practicAlities…

    Logically, I know this pain will pass. But it’s tough at the moment.

    I really really appreciate all the support though. Makes me realise how powerful this place can be .

    wingnuts
    Member

    Lots of sensible advice based in experience here. I’ve been through this and did some things well and somethings badly so for my tuppence worth here goes.

    Kids are the most important but you have to be strong for them. So try to get some stability in your life. A real routine so that you have less time to flounder or wallow no matter how grim you are. Ride, drink, socialise whatever but stick to it. Don’t cry in front of kids. They know you are hurting, but will be unsure about how to respond. Keep away from Facebook. Things will be/get distorted know matter what you say. Face to face contact asap or there will be a difficult gap to bridge when you do see them. Typing takes no effort, turning up does and that counts far more than you can imagine.

    Talking to my kids 20 years on they said that the best thing that me and the ex did was never blame the other or make them choose between us. We got to the point of agreeing dates a year in advance! That helped them and me as it provided structure. They have turned out as great kids and even though me and ex never talk kids feel that they have had good input from both of us.

    If you are not at fault don’t move out. Her choice so she has to back up her decision. Even if you have to her cash to go and set up with new man or on own. It also means you have the kids. That might be a really hard thing to sort when combined with school and work but its the best financial decision you’ll ever make. I left the house so that the ex could have some space and that sealed 10 years of being screwed financially and emotionally. Possession being 9/10ths etc.

    As others say time heals and it does. Take care mate.

    I was going to say the same thing why have you moved out ? Is the new BF moving in or something ?

    She’s ended it for a new life etc. so shouldn’t she move out ? having another man around the house with your children will be very unsettling for them (sorry to say as not wanting to make you hurt even more.

    Ask her to move out you stay with the children…when this new fella is there is she going to give the 5 year old the attention required ? The new BF wont…

    If there’s any reconciliation make sure its on your terms…

    cynic-al
    Member

    sc-xc stay strong fella and if you need some creative therapy…do share some jokes here…and I’ll laugh 😛

    Premier Icon cinnamon_girl
    Subscriber

    I think that her permanent health condition could be the key here – did she receive good medical advice as to how to deal with not being the person she was? It must have been bloomin’ hard for her to deal with and to feel that she became different. Could go some way to explaining her actions in that a new person takes her for what she is, not how she was.

    How did you deal with this different person? Did she feel that you were undeserving of this change?

    Perhaps some psychological help is needed to enable her to come to terms with what’s happened and probably her fears for her future?

    I do find some of the responses on here to be pretty crass and wonder how some manage to have relationships.

    Hang in there, ride your bike and stay away from booze.

    Poor guy/sends a hug.

    Let her go and move on- easy to say but it’s what you have to do.

    loddrik
    Member

    Definitely try and move on if you can. And if you do definitely don’t take her back.

    gogg
    Member

    Definitely try and move on if you can. And if you do definitely don’t take her back.

    Seems harsh, particularly in light of her medical history. What about some empathy dude??

    sc-xc
    Member

    Thanks again to everyone. She is going to move out.

    squin
    Member

    Virtually the exact same thing happened to me 3 years ago. Together 10 years, 2 kids. We’d had some challenging times related to health (my son went through treatment for Leukaemia for 3 years – all fine now).

    I had to find out, but it all amounted to the same thing, she announced that she had fallen in love with a bloke 10 years younger. I moved out, three weeks later she moved him in.

    At first it hurt like mad, rejection, jealousy etc etc. I thought that she was the one for me and I believed that I loved her.

    Time heals everything though and I realised that life with her was probably not what I thought it had been, that she wasn’t the person I thought I lived with, and I got on with my thing. Did lots of ‘interesting’ things and went off the rails for a year, but one day I woke up and the world was brighter. The pain and hurt had gone.

    Realised that I couldn’t change anything, and ended up not wanting to. My kids seem happy, they get on fine with her new partner, they love my new partner, financially I’m better off than ever before (the ex must have just sucked money out of me), and life is amazing now.

    What seems like it’s the worst thing in the world now, might in time turn out to be one of the best things to have happened to you. Learn to say yes to opportunities and you’ll have some interesting times.

    I won’t make any comments on whether things will or won’t last with this guy who your wife is besotted with, nor that you should hope/expect or want things to fail for them. Focus on you, keep yourself busy and the rest will start to take care of itself.

    One final thing, DO NOT think that it can all be settled amicably as it won’t. You have to be prepared for her to become the enemy and the sooner you ready yourself for the conflict, the better you’ll handle it when it does happen. You don’t need to be a dick about things, just know your rights, know what you want and be strong about things. My ex turned from being amicable to communicating through a lawyer; what she didn’t expect was that I’d already seen the largest family law specialists outside of London, so I had all the info and knowledge that I needed. To this day, their advice still represents excellent value.

    Life will get better.

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