A cod liver oil capsule and then nip it in the bud.

If it is hard enough could you not use a corkscrew to get a grip?

After my good lady’s not so good purchase of ‘low sugar’ Heinz Tomato Soup, I’d recommend a couple of tins of that and you’ll be flowing nicely.

Or the more medical approach, try some Cosmocol. I use it occasionally when I need a couple of days on co-codamol for back pain.

Isn’t the instant bomb of pure laxative, more like it allows for easing out over a couple of days.

Amazon reviews are good for sugar free gummy bears.
It started subtly at first, almost like a slight tingly sensation in my lower abdomen. I thought nothing of it, assuming my intestines were just doing their thang. Little did I know that my intestines were trying desperately to warn me of the horror that was on the horizon.
By question 9 it happened again, but this time it was followed by a sharp pain, as if those infernal hellions had orchestrated an attack upon my colon. I fought to contain the groan that tried escaping my lips. It was at this point I began to panic; something was going horribly long, and I needed to get through this test before it got any worse.
By question 14 my worst fear was upon me; the Satan bears’ burning, hot, liquidy dark magic crashed against my anal sphincter like a tidal wave. I was able to close the hatch just in time, but those relentless, toxic bears beat against it like Orcs breaking down the doors of Helm’s Deep. I knew I wouldn’t be able to so much as shift in my seat without risking a breach.

Having read Hannah’s post a couple of times I’m still chuckling. Just wish that I’d not had tea a few minutes beforehand.

My sugggestion for the OP is to pop into Aldi and buy a couple of packets of their sherbet lemons. They’re usually on the impluse shelf near the tills. I love sherbet lemons and Aldi’s are quite nice. If you read the carton they mention a laxative effect if you consume too many. What they don’t specify is how many are too many. Sadly, I only found this out later.

The packs are quite small and I popped a couple in the car. Feeling peckish, but not wanting to break my journey home from my visiting my sister, I remembered the sweets.

I must have sucked my way through a pack anf a half prpbably fewer sweets than if I’d bought a quarter lb (113.5 grammes for our younger readers) of the rascals from the sweet shop.

Very nice they were too. Within an hour it felt like the bottom had fallen out of my world, when in fact it was the other way around.

A good clear out for £1.98. Bargain.

Develop IBS-D

No don’t IBS is overrated, I can vouch for that.

I came to recommend sugar free gummy bears. They should airdrop those things in to war zones. Troops could wander in the day after and just see the enemy combatants curled in to balls, covered in their own poo, crying whilst bitterly regretting eating the free sweets that fell from heaven the previous day.

I’m in the midst of my second dose of Covid. Wouldn’t recommend it, but it’s definitely cleared me out when I’ve had the audacity to attempt to eat anything other than dry toast.

Since this is going downhill

It’s not, that’s the issue!

Increase water intake. Take Vitamin C. Take Magnesium Citrate.

Agreed @gordimhor !

Stay hydrated

(But lol at the pencil gag!!)

Get some glycerin suppositories from the chemist – about £2 a box.

Shove one up and lie down until it literally feels like a thermo nuclear reaction is going on in your backside – then shuffle to the nearest bog ASAP and prepare to be amazed. You may wish to put some loud music on to save others from hearing your distress.

Whatever you do, DO NOT wait for them to work more than 10m away from a bog. Anything more than a shuffle will have spectacularly bad consequences – including trying to walk up the stairs.

The problem is that it’s really affecting my mood & mental health (possibly exacerbated by the rapid decline in heart health) and I’m finding myself incredibly low.

This for me is one of the real issues. Being in a similar place, these things can have a huge negative impact. Take care dude.

I was in hospital for a week after breaking my spine. Plenty of painkillers, which didn’t seem to do very much except bung me up completely. For most of that week I was very glad that I had no urge to do a poo, on account of the fact that I couldn’t sit up never mind get to a loo. By the end of the week, though, s**t was getting real.

I’d been trying various low grade laxatives, but in the end agreed to a suppository. I tried applying it myself, but, you know, broken spine, quite tricky. So I had to ask a nurse to do it. One of several non-fun aspects of that week. He reluctantly agreed, and it eventually took effect, though luckily in a not-too-exciting way. I made it to the loo via my zimmer frame. Managed to sit down and do the deed, but then couldn’t get up. Waited a while, tried a few times but holy crap, broken spines hurt. Eventually I pulled the alarm cord thingy for some help. But nobody came. Took about half an hour before someone came and helped me off the loo. Not my finest hour.

A few years later I was visiting a friend in the same hospital, and I recognised the nurse but couldn’t place him at first. Then I remembered! I’m not sure if he remembered me or not, might have just had a good poker face, or might not have been desperate to chat about “that time he stuck something up my bum”.

On a serious note constipation can be a symptom of colon cancer.

When i worked in the NHS got told by a nurse freind that a patient they had at A and E, suffering from constipation, it appears he had been told to get some Mentos, mint sweets as they acted as a laxative, or some suppositories, he got the 2 mixed up and swallowed the laxatives, and then inserted a whole packet of Mentos up, his bum, wrapper and all.

He made a good recovery she said.

Love the Picolax thread, remember when it was unfolding (emptying out?) as a thread, used to read it on the throne 👍

When on on my low carb diet I get pretty bad constipation.

I also have an “anal fissure”. I keep meaning to take a selfie of that but can’t cope with selling a miniature grand canyon so haven’t as yet.

Suffice it to say that when laying down a major tarmac A road it’s really painful.

I’ve often resorted to rolling up the hand towel to bite down upon as I push. I’d like to day im exaggerating but I’m really not.

I go industrial for relief and buy Ducolax from the shop/chemist.

Dear God poopscoop, that adds so many levels to your username.
Sounds awful

To counteract the effects of oro-morph (good stuff), paracetamol and other analgesics after my recent TURP I was given Lactulose and Senna-kot regularly. It worked very well with 3 doses of Lactulose and 2 of senna daily. You really don’t want to be straining with a metre or so of catheter in your nether regions.

Develop IBS

This – hardly had a solid dump since the early 90s.

but it is something that I’m going to bring up with the nurse next week.

U’r doin it rong. 🙃

chuckling at several of these.

From my side, when getting ready to go out on the bike, the one thing that’s guaranteed to get things moving is

– not the first cup of tea

– not the bowl of porridge

– not the cup of espresso

but pull the straps of my bib shorts over my shoulders and put a jersey over the top….. and guaranteed 5 mins later I’ll be getting undressed again. It doesn’t matter if it’s 5 minutes or an hour since the last intake, there must be a nerve in my collarbones that gets triggered!

Honorary mention for dried apricots, as long as they are packaged in a protective (sulphide) atmosphere. My farts can then strip wallpaper.

After 3 lots of being taped to a bed and fed various morphine based snacks and iron tablets along with various other sweeties I can feel your pain.

1st one was my back. Couldn’t go lieing down despite assistance. Was admitted Monday by Friday I’d had enough. So the doc agreed if I got up un assisted I could go home. So I did.

Lift home from my mum (I was 21) in rush hour traffic was a test by the time I reached the bathroom it was coming. It was like chemical warfare. It was unspeakable.

So so bad.

Any way had a shower and went the pub. Guinness wasnt the smartest idea. But hey.

2nd stay was when I did my pelvis. Again lying down with your right hip in fragments wedged on a bed pan isn’t conducive to getting your balloon knot to loosen.

Had to beg the ward nurse for crutches and I hobbled to the loo. That was about 9days bed bound on a diet of looseners plus iron tablets and other stuff. I sort of knew what was coming. Made my 1st experience feel like a nice day out. It was green and corrosive.

Not helped by the fact I couldn’t actually wipe proper as I couldn’t bend.

Anyway.

Try sugar free sweets

At the risk of providing advice rather than hilarity:

Go see your pharmacist (some are better than others so if you get crap results (boom boom!)- try another one. Don’t go in an ask for laxatives, or saying you’ve got constipation. Take all the details of your meds and go and ask them for advice. They love to feel that patients recognise their expertise rather than being fancy shop assistants. Most (all?) have a little consulting room – not sure how they are doing that with covid, but ask if you could have a proper chat even if you have to come back (they’ll not want to delay the methadone punters!). A good pharmacist should be able to listen to the issues you have, look at the meds you are on and either suggest some changes (perhaps moving from one drug to a very similar one with a different side effect profile) or suggest some over the counter or pharmacy only fixes for long term or short term use or tell you that its very unlikely to be caused by the meds and then you can go see the doc.

We vastly undervalue the expertise pharmacists have, often assuming they just dish out what the doc writes down and therefore the doc is the expert. Speak to any pharmacist and they’ll tell you they correct prescribing mistakes every day (wrong dose, wrong meds, incompatible meds). Thats not to criticise the docs, they’ve had to learn the whole body, diagnosis, treatment, surgery, medication etc whilst the pharmacists “just” have to do meds – so really do it in depth. Go to a hospital and in the more specialist medical departments, you may find that the pharmacist is on the ward or clinic helping the docs make instant prescribing decisions.

It’s like a maths problem.
Work it out with a pencil.

You need a piece of paper too. The paper you’ll find a use for afterwards.

but pull the straps of my bib shorts over my shoulders and put a jersey over the top….. and guaranteed 5 mins later I’ll be getting undressed again. It doesn’t matter if it’s 5 minutes or an hour since the last intake, there must be a nerve in my collarbones that gets triggered!

The collarbone nerve theory is a definite possibility. Even if I’ve already been. Sometimes needs a second outer layer to go on over the bib shorts.

but pull the straps of my bib shorts over my shoulders and put a jersey over the top…..

Oh this. Sooo much this

I find that making a huge mistake has bowel clearing effects.

Conspiring to cock up the booking of the registrar for my wedding very nearly caused me to turn inside out.

As it happens it wasn’t my fault, but it took a good 10 minutes of frantic email checking to verify this, by which time I was well on the way to an express weight loss situation.

If you can’t manage that I would suggest roasted onions.

@STWhannah. Thanks for sharing.

@STWhannah. Thanks for OVER sharing.

Genuinely made me laugh, particularly, ‘doesn’t matter how firm you THINK it is’ 🙂

Goji berries don’t seem have had a mention on here, my wife had a big handful once and spent a while regretting that.

For me almost everything works, Cabbage, Beetroot, beer, coffee, beans nearly kill me, lentils don’t even go there, grapes the list is endless, as is the amount of time I spend in the loo!

Am thinking this thread should appear on the stw Facebook group.
Go on stw dare you….

Okaay,

Last summer I started having a great deal of difficulty producing anything other than wind and the occasional little pea sized poop. I assumed I had IBS so started changing my diet….I even cut out beer for a while. Then I went to the pharmacist who recommended Senokot tablets. Anyway, nothing worked and after a few months of trying different remedies I reluctantly folded (didn’t want to bother the NHS during the Covid crisis), and contacted my doctor where I was quickly diagnosed with bowel cancer.

Now, I’m obviously not saying that’s your problem, but I’m still suffering bouts of severe constipation (Trevor’s a bit of a whopper and causing a fair blockage), even during my current chemotherapy, and the one over the counter remedy that does seem to help is Senekot. Even when I’ve been on the hefty co-codamols and liquid morphine, which are notorious butt-plugs, it’s still allowing me to squeeze something past the bugger.

I’d contact your local pharmacist, explain what you’re currently taking and why, and see what they recommend. But Senekot, for all it’s a natural remedy, works very well for me, the current King of Constipation.

Oh, and get well soon buddy!

Craig xx

Oof.
I hope your treatment is going well craig.
Fingers crossed for the future

STWhannah:

It would not ‘complete’. It wouldn’t go out, or back in come to that, and it couldn’t be pinched off by sphincter alone.

Just to say that the technical term for this situation is: having shitten off more than one can poo.

over and out…

Go to a hospital and in the more specialist medical departments, you may find that the pharmacist is on the ward or clinic helping the docs make instant prescribing decisions.

My wife is a lead pharmacist in a large hospital and does exactly this. To a lesser degree now due to Covid19 restrictions on the wards.

Good luck

https://ourcommunitynow.com/local-culture/hysterical-amazon-reviews-of-haribo-sugar-free-gummi-bears-are-just-what-we-needed-right-now

^ that Euan gif is disturbing…

Not me but while on a “gentlemans” holiday in Spain in the 1980s a friend ate about a square metre of pizza while drunk…

Got bunged up for a few days but didn’t stop drinking, eating etc so went to the pharmacy with our best Spanish.. “i is bunged up Por favour” and got what appeared to be a laxative with the instructions of 2 a day.. three days later nothing, so he doubled up the dose.

We found him that day in the bathroom, he was sat on the pot giving it a big push and had blacked out, fell off the pot hit his head on the shower and “relaxed” the bathroom floor was inches deep in shit. He had shit himself unconscious