- clever jokes
The following are from an article on the independent’s website. I’ve heard a couple before, understand a few and can work out a few more. But the following ones I don’t get: 4, 5, 18, 21 and 23. Anyone care to explain?
Too clever by half: 25 highbrow jokes
1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”
2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”
3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.”
5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.”
6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”
7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.
8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.
9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.
10. The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.
11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.
12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”
14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.
16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”
17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.
18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”
19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”
20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.
21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.
22. What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.
23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”
25. A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.Posted 4 years ago
A physicist, an engineer and a statistician go out hunting.
Presently, they find a deer. The physicist draws up complex ballistics calculations to work out where to shoot, but as he’s assumed it’s a spherical deer in a vacuum, his shot is two metres too low.
The engineer jury-rigs a fix for the equation to take air resistance into account and allows a bit extra ‘just in case’, so his shot is two metres too high.
The statistician shouts, “we got him!”Posted 4 years agoWorldClassAccidentMember
Can’t remember the details but some maths bloke was laughing loudly about some deer jokes.
It started with the blind deer = no idea
Blind and no legs =still no idea
The others I forget the joke but the punch lines were
Definitely no idea
Absolutely no idea
He was the only one laughing so they were either clever or badPosted 4 years agoandrewhMember
A chemist, a physist and an economist are stranded on a desert island with no food. One day some tins wash ashore from the shipwreck.Posted 4 years ago
The chemist says ‘there is sulphur in these rocks, we can use sea water to make acid and corrosion will open the tins’ The physisit said ‘that’s too complicated, we just need a stone and a lever and we can smash them open’
The economist said ‘If we assume for a moment that we had a tin opener the rational thing to do to get the most utility from the contents…..CharlieMungusMember
The sartre one is very good, on a couple of levels. In the first place it could be read as a straightforward ‘blonde / irishman / stooge’ joke. But it really refers to Sartre’s consideration of Nothingness as a thing. ” Being and Nothingness” I think. As such the nature of that nothingness is quite important.
Also 18 is a trivial simplification of Heisenberg’s uncertainty. It’s not just “i’m not sure”. The Godel component is good but the chomsky a bit trivial tooPosted 4 years ago
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