clever jokes

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  • clever jokes
  • Premier Icon Cougar
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    A programmer walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 1.00000000000003123939 root beers.

    Bartender says: “I’ll have to charge you extra, that’s a root beer float.”

    Programmer says: “better make it a double.”

    bencooper
    Member

    24: “Your ripped these?” “You mend these?”

    Premier Icon Cougar
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    Where do Martians get their Mercury from?

    H G Wells.

    Premier Icon curiousyellow
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    D’OH! Cheers 🙂

    Premier Icon Cougar
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    Bought the missus a Klein bottle for Christmas. A right bugger to wrap, it was.

    Premier Icon Cougar
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    I’ve started making beer. It’s dead easy, you just pour root beer into a square glass.

    headfirst
    Member

    Cougar – Moderator
    This neighbourhood’s getting worse. Only last week, two crows were
    arrested for attempted murder.

    Cougar may I refer you to joke no.12 in my original post…

    bencooper
    Member

    Where do Martians get their Mercury from?

    H G Wells.

    Oh, that is very clever 😉

    Premier Icon richmtb
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    (Feel free to steal that one)

    🙂

    Premier Icon Cougar
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    Cougar may I refer you to joke no.12 in my original post…

    Ack, mia culpa, I (obviously) didn’t see that.

    Premier Icon thepurist
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    Would 25 work for an Ada programmer? Surely some errors in there if you had Eggs & Bread defined as separate types.

    bencooper
    Member

    Bought the missus a Klein bottle for Christmas. A right bugger to wrap, it was.

    My parents got me a Klein beer bottle opener 😉

    Premier Icon Cougar
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    f(x) = 6x + 3 walks into a bar.

    “Got any sandwiches?” he asks the barman.

    “Sorry,” the barman replies, “we don’t cater for functions.”

    RealMan
    Member

    My parents got me a Klein beer bottle opener

    That is awesome.

    headfirst
    Member

    The following are from an article on the independent’s website. I’ve heard a couple before, understand a few and can work out a few more. But the following ones I don’t get: 4, 5, 18, 21 and 23. Anyone care to explain?

    Too clever by half: 25 highbrow jokes

    1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”

    2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”

    3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

    4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.”

    5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.”

    6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”

    7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.

    8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.

    9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.

    10. The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.

    11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.

    12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

    13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”

    14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

    15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.

    16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”

    17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

    18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”

    19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”

    20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

    21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.

    22. What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.

    23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

    24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

    25. A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

    gonefishin
    Member

    Where do Martians get their Mercury from?

    H G Wells.

    Oh, that is very clever

    That one took a few minutes.

    Premier Icon Cougar
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    A physicist, an engineer and a statistician go out hunting.

    Presently, they find a deer. The physicist draws up complex ballistics calculations to work out where to shoot, but as he’s assumed it’s a spherical deer in a vacuum, his shot is two metres too low.

    The engineer jury-rigs a fix for the equation to take air resistance into account and allows a bit extra ‘just in case’, so his shot is two metres too high.

    The statistician shouts, “we got him!”

    Premier Icon thepurist
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    Cougar – that’s mean to statisticians 😉

    Premier Icon Cougar
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    It probably is about average, yes.

    bencooper
    Member

    Someone’s already done that one 😉

    Can’t remember the details but some maths bloke was laughing loudly about some deer jokes.

    It started with the blind deer = no idea
    Blind and no legs =still no idea
    The others I forget the joke but the punch lines were
    Definitely no idea
    And
    Absolutely no idea

    He was the only one laughing so they were either clever or bad

    andrewh
    Member

    A chemist, a physist and an economist are stranded on a desert island with no food. One day some tins wash ashore from the shipwreck.
    The chemist says ‘there is sulphur in these rocks, we can use sea water to make acid and corrosion will open the tins’ The physisit said ‘that’s too complicated, we just need a stone and a lever and we can smash them open’
    The economist said ‘If we assume for a moment that we had a tin opener the rational thing to do to get the most utility from the contents…..

    mrlugz
    Member

    Two chemists walked into a bar,

    The first chemist asked for a glass of H2 O.

    The second chemist said, “ooh, I’ll have an H2 O too!” and died.

    The sartre one is very good, on a couple of levels. In the first place it could be read as a straightforward ‘blonde / irishman / stooge’ joke. But it really refers to Sartre’s consideration of Nothingness as a thing. ” Being and Nothingness” I think. As such the nature of that nothingness is quite important.

    Also 18 is a trivial simplification of Heisenberg’s uncertainty. It’s not just “i’m not sure”. The Godel component is good but the chomsky a bit trivial too

    Squidlord
    Member

    Another version of No. 5:
    Heisenberg gets pulled over by the police while driving.
    “Do you know how fast you were going, sir?” says the policeman.
    “No, but I know exactly where I am”.

    Squid – do you reckon that will stand up in court.

    Not that it affects me of course…

    Greybeard
    Member

    1.00000000000003123939 root beers

    My programming knowledge is 40 year old FORTRAN and some VB – not good enough to follow this. I suspect there may be some US terminology as well? Floating points and double precision?

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