Hi all

Over the past year or more I’ve become a bitter and jealous person – and I don’t want to be! But I can’t seem to stop myself.

I get jealous about our friends as they are all a lot better off than ourselves. The talk is always about weeks away in Indian, Florida, France, Skiing etc. – we had 6 days in a tent in Norfolk and a week with the mother-in-law! We excuse ourselves from social events due to the expense. They are all nice people, but my jealousy stops me conversing as a feel I have little to contribute.

I get angry and annoyed with family members and I get angry with customers. Not to their faces, but in my head, which then makes me more irritated because I know there’s no reason to be angry in most cases. The times when I should say something I don’t as I don’t want the confrontation.

I seem to be in constant state of tension! I create arguments in my head with people (but would never follow them through).

The thing is I know in reality we do alright as a family (wife, daughter and myself) and most people would strive for our life. We both work, live in a nice area, we can pay the bills and spend a little, we have some goods times and we have our health.

So has anyone any tips or advice to stop me feeling so tense and aggressive as I feel it’s getting out of hand.

Cheers!

The thing is I know in reality we do alright as a family (wife, daughter and myself) and most people would strive for our life. We both work, live in a nice area, we can pay the bills and spend a little, we have some goods times and we have our health.

Just remember that and you won’t go far wrong. Oh, and get some different friends maybe? 🙂

And this maybe?

What is Mindfulness?

Yoga. Not a glib comment, yoga is more than just stretching muscles.

Many religions, or similar may well do the same.

Cognitive therapy of some form, have potential to do the same.

My vote goes for yoga, not only get the mental benefits, you also get to stretch beyond belief, relax completely, all in the company of hot women!

You mentioned it in your post MM

I am on minimum wage, work 50+ hours a week, doing two jobs, just to keep my head above water, but I would not swap my life at the moment for any of my friends who are considerably better off than me, but some of them are deep down, bitterly unhappy with their life.

Some have even said they would like to do the work I do, just to get out of the rat race they are in.

Focus on this:

The thing is I know in reality we do alright as a family (wife, daughter and myself) and most people would strive for our life. We both work, live in a nice area, we can pay the bills and spend a little, we have some goods times and we have our health

I presume you mountain bike so you already have the tools required for complete relaxation and general health.
As for your friends – there’s always someone ‘better’ off than you however much money you have. I’m always skint but I have a healthy, loving family and feel like the richest man on the planet (however trite that may sound, it’s how I feel).

Buy a nice bike. Ride it on nice trails.

Set a personal goal and work towards it.

Try and avoid stressful situations.

(I’ve been in your place or something very similar. It passes. Don’t be old and bitter, one is inevitable, the other avoidable)

christ that be mindful website has given me a bloody headache! what the hell is with THAT BLOODY COLOURSCHEME AND THE FONT AND THE NAVIGATION FORTHELOVEOFGODWHYY1!?!?

I have become a bitterly twisted individual.
I’m nice most of the time but I can be a right bastard for no reason.
This is mainly due to suffering from manic depression.
Pills, therapy and doctors help but I’m far from fixed.
OP go to your GP to see if you have any problems.

I seem to be in constant state of tension! I create arguments in my head with people (but would never follow them through).

I do that a lot. Seems something in my inner psyche is always looking for a fight/argument conflict even if I’m not. It’s been way more subdued since I’ve been on SSRIs, but it used to be pretty bad.

No idea what causes it and I did wonder if anyone else was like this….

How’s your diet?
Try and cut out the crap and drink more.

A few thoughts:
1. Fair play for admitting publicly you have a problem. That’s half the problem solved already
2. You’re not alone. Lots of people are angry at the moment – the credit crunch was a real shock to the system.
3. Anger’s a very destructive emotion if not dealt with
4. There’s huge amounts of support and solutions out there, you just need to find the one which works for you. I’d recommend looking at:

a) Therapy. Go and have a chat with your GP and see what they say. You’ll be amazed at how much better you feel from sharing it
b) plus 1 for yoga – do a class – you’ll realise a lot of people need a little help with the stresses and strains of life.
c) meditation can be useful John Kabat Zinn
d) focus on eating well, sleeping enough, regular exercise and spending time with people who you feel happy with.
Good luck

I occasionally struggle with this and am always reminding myself ‘enjoy the ride’.

Besides I’d pick camping over any holiday!

On a side note – Why not say in these conversations that you’ve totally got the bigger wang so why don’t you all just STFU?

Do you suffer from depression or Bi-Polar?

It may help to talk to someone, and I don’t mean here. Why not go and see a therapist. There’s no shame in it, and it may do you a lot of good just to talk to someone who you don’t know face to face.

What about a way to channel and release that tension/anger – learn a martial art or box/kickbox maybe?

Yoga is a good shout too.

You can obviously identify when you have these feelings, so try and be positive in these situations, smile and genuinely try to be cheery/happy. It doesn’t always come naturally, sometimes you have to work at it.

you have had two weeks of holidays. i hate you.

always someone better off, most often if you dig a little you will find they arnt as well off as you imagine, be that financially, spiritually, physically….

what about spend the next 30minutes looking into life in central africa and im not talking about the beneficiaries of life there. That should sober you up and stop your moaning.

what do you wanna be rich for anyway.

The thing is, you don’t know if your friends might be funding their lifestyles through debt. Or if they really are truly happy with their lives, you never know what’s behind closed doors.

What would their lives look like without the money, the fancy holidays etc? What would happen if something meant their income was reduced, how would they cope with a change in status. Would their relationships and ties survive?

My dad was on £80k a year and he’s now been struck down with a serious illness. He won’t work again, and is having to take early retirement on ill health grounds. He is really struggling with the loss of identity and status, as well as the income side of it. Just a year ago, he was at the top of his profession, taking holidays twice a year in nice places, travelling for work, and was known in his field. But all of the high falutin people he used to go around with – have they bothered with him now he’s poorly? Have they heck.

Money and status matters very little compared to finding out who will stick around when the chips are down.

If its any consolation to the OP, Im of a similar mindset at the moment.
My family have an ok life, we cant afford holidays, are unable to save anything for a rainy day.
I work full time, OH works a few hours a week. We have no debts at all, certainly we dont crave materialistic things or have and excessive lifestyle, but Im just feeling massively frustrated that we can’t seem to move forward financially, whilst others we know seem to able to afford meals out every week, trips to concerts etc etc, whilst on similar income to us.
Im just fed up of struggling from month to month never moving forwards. Now christmas is coming im stessing about paying for that too.
I think part of it is my age (41) and im a grumpy git anyway.
I think Im paying too much attention to what I haven’t got rather than what I have.

Re other people’s lives, I wouldn’t assume anything about how they feel about their own lives.
Plus – use of overdrafts and credit cards is on the increase again after slowing down since 2008. Your answer to other people’s apparent wealth is probably right there.
You’d have thought we’d learnt something about avoiding debt in 2008, but apparently not 😯

Some of this rings true with me. Not so much the jealousy bit, but I’ve definitely noticed I’m getting angrier more often. My “normal” state is definitely not as nice a place to be as it once was. What I really notice is that I “need” holidays more than I used to and small inconsequential things irritate me more than they ever should. Being able to enjoy family time without the pressure of work is more important to me now than it has ever been. I’ve always loved holidays of course, but I never used to dread them ending as much as I do now.

I got 30 on that stress test 🙁

Sounds like a typical mid-life crisis TBH. It’ll pass.

It’ll pass.

I’ve had – and sold – my meno-Porsche. Does that mean I’m coming out the other side?? <fingers crossed> 🙂

I’ve had – and sold – my meno-Porsche.

🙂

Depends what you replaced it with!

I’d rather not say, but let’s just say it’s more becoming of a mountain-biking family man 😳 😆

Mind fullness!
Get yourself on a 10 day Vipassana course.
It will teach you to see your anger before it becomes you.
Tough course and not easy to complete,but if you stick it out,it will give you a new perspective on life and a good insight into discovering your complete self.

Sounds to me like you need to go on a killing spree. Can you procure any fully automatic weaponry?

MM – from your posts over the years you’ve had some ups and downs but as others have said, you are doing Ok as a family, but some of this is a stage of life – I’m 44 and seem to have a similar disconnect with some of our friends who have foreign holidays and the high life.

A lot of them are stressed, in debt, and have hardly any time with their kids. There’s a reason I’ve chosen the life I have, the grass isn’t greener.

And when you are having a bad day, just think – at least you don’t have an Ilkeston postcode!

Channel that anger and enter a UFC tournament in your spare time to generate a bit more cash. But not too much cash, as the anger will the subside and you will then get your ass kicked at UFC. It’s all about balance.

I got 8 on that test… dunno what that means but to be honest i’m mellowing with age, I’m not so sure what my score would have been 10 years ago though ( company in administration etc etc). I think sometimes you do need to sit back and realise that comparing yourself to other people is a bit of a pointless exercise.

I went to the GP for help because I was feeling particularly stressed just after our 2nd child was born. We don’t get any help from family (live too far away) and I also have a pretty nasty stomach condition.

My GP told me to either :

a) get more exercise (part of the problem with having a 2nd child is lack of time to do anything on my own which was part of the reason I was feeling anxious / stressed / angry)
b) She recommended therapy / counselling – but could only get me to start 2 weeks from when I saw her. Then it would take a few weeks to see any benefit from that.

Thanks for the help doc… useless **^^*^&*^E$%.

So, I got myself some torches and started doing night rides. Not quite enough exercise to make a difference… but it has helped a little.

Get a punchbag set up somewhere where you can be alone.
Punch and kick the crap out of it when you feel angry.
This helps me.
If it helps put someones face on it you dont like.
Get yourself checked out.
Go for a blood test. Ask for full bloods.
If your thyroid is not working properly this could be why you’re so low.

it’s illegal but so so good. It grows naturally all over the world and it is coloured green. Get some. always helps me get objective about problems and to de stress. Combine it with MTBing and tunes and you have the perfect relaxation therapy.

Jekkyl, really not a good idea.
mental health issues and weed are like mixing electricity and water.

the-muffin-man I recently found out one of my bestmates from years ago has done really really well for himself- way beyond my wildest dreams. My first thoughts (and comments) were of pride to know him. My second was to ask which cars he liked the best (out of the many hes owned- inc 911’s/NSX etc)

I know of good people who have had it all be struck down by tragedy or illness. It kinda grounds you as you think why the **** did it happen to them? Everything swings every direction. Feel blessed to have your family, your friends and your health. Some good people have these taken away from them. As a society we are told through many marketing channels that ‘better is the target’. Is it? Sorry I don’t think so. I know people with big houses on huge mortgage repayments, I know people who will never tell you how much they are worth and it’d shock you.

it’s illegal but so so good. It grows naturally all over the world and it is coloured green. Get some. always helps me get objective about problems and to de stress.

Since when did MDMA grow naturally?

Weed does the job of chilling you out for sure. But it’s still a band-aid.

+1 for yoga. I’ve been at it for about two years. It’s entirely changed my life, for the good. I used to have serious problems with anxiety, stress etc. Not any more.

I am on minimum wage, work 50+ hours a week, doing two jobs, just to keep my head above water, but I would not swap my life at the moment for any of my friends who are considerably better off than me, but some of them are deep down, bitterly unhappy with their life.

^^^^^^ this same boat…i know one guy who would jump off a cliff if he didnt have money to go out and impress his friends with

me im happy 99.9% of the time i get to spend it with my kid, sure we might have to scrape the £5.10p together to go swimming some weeks but hey the little things cancel out negative thoughts

if your going to get angry i suggest vigilantiism (and yes im being serious) to get out your system just be careful you dont get caught pummelling the face in of some scrote who just robbed a little old dear
is a reason to get angry

Take up cage fighting.

You’re not alone OP. I’m 41 and feel the same sometimes, lots of wealthy friends who seem to be enjoying the high life. There’s nothing you can do about it though so as hard as it is you need to accept it for what it is.

With my circle of friends other than those few who have done exceptionally well I think all those who are better off than us (financially) have had help of some sort from wealthy relatives. Seems a bit unkind (but certainly isn’t meant to be) but I bring myself back down to earth by thinking about all my friends in a similar or worse (financial) situation than us.

Can you get away, just the wife and you, for a dirty weekend somewhere? Leave the kid with someone? A bit of space and release from your responsibilities every now and then is never a bad idea, doesn’t need to be that expensive.

As someone who’s been in the same boat for a few years now, I would say go speak to your doctor. I’ve had depression and anxiety and this sounds like similar symptoms.

Saying that, I also believe that something has shifted in the past few years and people feel the need to bang on constantly about everything they’ve done or are going to do like life is some sort of Facebook and people need to be constantly updated in the latest bollocks that they’ve seen or done.

I also get the financial stagnation. I’m like that, stuck in a job that doesn’t really make me that happy while everyone around me seems to be getting on and going further with minimal effort. Trouble is, that has a knock on effect with everyone else thinking they have to shout louder and constantly get noticed – things like that get pretty infuriating after a while.

Anyway – I would suggest the doctors and counselling, it’s what I’m doing at the moment and even though day to day doesn’t seem to be getting any better, it’s nice having someone to listen to you

Same as Ski.

Is the thought of not being able to compete on a financial level creating a certain level of anxiety and self doubt?

You need to listen to your self and take your own tips on board and repeat them 🙂

“The thing is I know in reality we do alright as a family (wife, daughter and myself) and most people would strive for our life. We both work, live in a nice area, we can pay the bills and spend a little, we have some goods times and we have our health.”

Concentrate on you and your family for a while and pay attention to the little details and capture them. Don’t imagine the end result of anything.

The issue is when we’re down we listen to the bad thoughts and habits are hard to break. They can be broken it just takes time.