TO add to the complications, I have started seeing someone else (hey… DrP are dezirabullzzz 😉 ), and clearly have their feelings to take into account (in the sense, I’m not a douche

As I said earlier, five months after a breakup your head is still pretty screwed, whether you realise it or not (you will later realise how much, believe me). As such, there’s a strong chance you’re are already not, really, taking their feelings into account. You may well unknowingly be being a douche already.

TL:DR – it’s probably too soon to be seeing someone else, mainly for their sake.

Can people change? Sure.

Is it a good idea to get back with an ex? Rarely.

It’s very easy to fall into the trap of rose-tinted spectacles. You remember all the good times and gloss over all the shit bits, especially early on after a split.

I’ve kept this off STW until now but what the heck. Two years ago my wife left me out of the blue. It was a living hell. I spent six months basically existing, I only left the house to go to work and to buy food. I missed her like mad, missed all the fun things we used to do together, every facet of my life was suddenly different. If she’d asked, I’d have had her back in a heartbeat.

It took maybe a year (and something of a breakdown) for me to really look at it with any sort of objectivity. When it was good it was fantastic but the uncomfortable truth is that we both put up with a lot of crap from each other too.

I started seeing friends again, got back on my bike for the first time in maybe four years, started feeling comfortable in my own skin. I’ve come to actually enjoy being on my own, not having to march to the beat of someone else’s drum or spend my entire life having to consider what someone else might want to do. Going out anywhere costs me half what it used to. If I want to spend the night playing on the Xbox in my underpants* then I absolutely can.

We’re still friends. But if she were to ask me back tomorrow to try again, I would politely decline. Aside from anything else there’s simply too much water under the bridge and I’ve spent a lot of time getting over it, I can’t just switch emotions off and back on like that.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, these things take time and your missus is a known quantity, it’s the ‘safe’ option against the big scary unknown. Going back after a couple of months based on hopes and promises, you’re not thinking clearly and you’re almost certainly going back to the same old. Maybe give it a couple of years and then see how you feel about trying again, if you both feel the same way then go for it.

Because, this to me speaks volumes:

She’s said she’s willing to change

… so in effect you’re saying she hasn’t changed at all?

we’ve been through this ‘cycle’ in teh past… Each time she’s regretful and remorseful, and temporarily improves/pleases, and then after time just reverts back to her old tricks…

What makes this time any different?

—

(* – I don’t have an Xbox in my underpants; you know what I mean.)

True…

I’d been doing a lot of reading over the past 8 months .. about love, relationships etc

One big realization was about ‘unconditional love’ – in the sense that in romantic relationships, love can’t really be unconditional – there has to be conditions. Unconditional love is really reserved for children.

But also, loving someone, and being in a relationship with them, can also be mutually exclusive events.. in the sense you can love someone, but there are conditions on your relationship that simply mean you can no longer remain in a relationship with them…

This helped me leave the relationship with much less guilt (guilt is a HUGE factor of what I feel in life… and I’ve done nothing bloody wrong!!)

DrP

Hi DrP,
First thing I would say is that both sides need to understand what their actions are that are pushing the other partner away. Then to decide if it is something that they want to work at reducing from their life.
As I’m sure you realise its not a case of just “giving it another go”. There has to be a method behind why it work this time. Your wife changing won’t help without a case of her understanding what it is she does, and for me I needed to understand where certain behaviours originate.
But it could be very easy to revert to the old me. I had to remove myself from so many of the old situations to ensure I stayed on the correct path.
Like you both Mrs W and myself had entered new relationships. I guess we are the opposite situation where it was up to me to take the long hard look at myself. To decide what I wanted from life and to put steps into place to ensure I got what I wanted. It really takes a lot of effort from the person who has the negative behavioural traits. Only that person will really know whether they want to change and are willing to work at making the change.
It took me about a year of saying to the wife that I would go to counselling, deep down I had no intention of going. Mrs took the bull by the horn, booked it and took me there. One on one to begin with and then we moved into couple counselling. The couple counselling really was unpleasant.
Even while in a new relationship, I knew deep down that I still loved my wife. I’d go as far to say that I used the other person to meet my needs, in a physical sense that is. I did make it clear though that I wasn’t after anything long term, but still, it wasn’t nice of me.
Also, its long process, both of you need to accept that it will be hard at times, but you need to support each other through it. It really isn’t easy, for us so far it has been worth it. Not just in terms of the children, but generally, things are good between us. So I would say that someone who wants to change, with the correct guidance and strength of character can change into a better person.

Thanks w00dster… honest of you to give your side.

DrP

I think people can change – in fact, I have seen it first hand, although not from a partner.

The person has to want to change though and if in a relationship the partner will most likely need to not respond to new more positive behaviour as they had learned to respond to the old negative behaviour.

I think with all you have invested in your marriage it is hard to walk away – but I would suggest you would need to have seen the evidence of change with some persistence to take the chance.

Some proper open heart surgery going on in this thread.

I applaud that whole heartedly.

👏🙏

Sounds like you should book her into re-hab

What have you got to loose ? Sitting in a flat on your own and missing your children/ex sounds shite !
You’ll only know if you try…and you’ll have to do some changing – you’re part of the deal.

Btw did you get any new nookie whilst on a “break” ??

sounds like a bullying supervisor I once had. I reported him and he was my best friend for about a month, then returned to his normal ways and made my life even more difficult. I think change can change, but it is a long process of years sometimes. In the shorter term forget about, they will return to there normal ways.

When you say change i believe that people can say … stop smoking or do more washing up etc but these are almost physical things. When it comes to fundamental change such as being less selfish or completely altering a frame of mind then i’m not too sure.
I know from experience that I have needed to change… many times.. over the last 18 years but the only things that have ever really materialised have been my input into the house chores etc. Deep down i’m still the same selfish and emotionless person I ever was and i’m not sure that this is something i can change and god knows i have tried. So the same old crack re- appear after time. I think if as a couple you are fundamentally compatible I.e share similar life goals and views then you can change to repare relationships but if you don’t share the same fundamental views then i’m not convinced that it will work out in the long run. This may all seem very obvious to some people who automatically knew what they wanted from a partner but it’s also not always as clear cut that the compatibility is there to start with and then before you know it you have a life, house and maybe kids with this person and the waters are very much muddied at this point and a break away decision is a whole lot harder.
So change on a basic level yes but on a fundamental level hmmm… not sure.

Can people REALLY change….

Absolutely Not. 🤔

You are who you are. 🙄

People can compromise but they cannot change who they really are.

A relative of mine divorced then re-married the same woman (who’d had enough of his narcissistic behaviour at the time).
In the long run, he has reverted to type and become the spoilt kid he always was.
I’ve seen one person really change for the better – I knew him at university, which he didn’t enjoy and was borderline depressed. After he left uni and started working he became a positive, optimistic person.
I think it’s a combination of nature and environment – but often when there is pressure and stress, we revert to the same behaviour we displayed in childhood, whether than be avoidance, selfishness, chronic worrying.

Certainly people can change. However its a long complex process.

For a positive tale me and Mrs TJ split up for two years ( after 10 years together). We decided to give it another try. However we didn’t live together for another couple of years. We met up, dated, we talked about what we each wanted and what we wanted out of the relationship. We slowly built the relation ship we wanted and it worked. 25 years later we are still together and happy as we can be.

So you can get a broken relationship mended. But IMO / IME do not just get back together and settle into the same routine. It needs time and rebuilding
Edit – to make this happen we both had to change as well as compromise – and we both did. It wasn’t easy at all

My advice to the OP is leave the door open but its much too soon and also take it very gradually – date for a while. Do not just go back to living under the same roof