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Call the Midwife (potential miscarriage content)
Had an early (8 week) scan yesterday, and it looks like our offspring stopped growing a few weeks ago and is still to small to show a heartbeat. Got another scan at the hospital next week to confirm.
We are both devastated, but don’t really know what to do. We had told our parents, but nobody else yet as early days, so short of unloading all this on someone out the blue on New Year’s Eve, I’m turning to you lot.
I know this isn’t confirmed yet, and I also know this doesn’t mean we can’t have healthy pregnancies and children in the future, but right now I feel more sad than any of my grandparents passing away.
We both had a good cry about it last night, but I’m struggling to think about anything else today (my wife has gone off swimming as a distraction)- I don’t want to constantly bring it up with her.
I went to the gym this morning to clear my head, but even when working hard i can’t think about anything else- I guess I want confirmation either way quickly, and then to try and move on. But I also don’t want to forget in a hurry as even in 8 weeks I’ve got very attached to our bundle of cells.
Any sage advice from the STW gurus?thegeneralistFree Member
Any sage advice from the STW gurus?
Yes, you’ll be utterly amazed at the number of women who have miscarriages. When ours happened it seemed like pretty much everyone we spoke to in the next 4 months had experience of.
You assume it’s really rare and a huge issue, but it’s not that unusual and you will come back from it.martinhutchFull Member
It’s OK and perfectly normal to grieve, even this early in a pregnancy. Take care of each other, and don’t hold back on telling a real life person and asking for support, doesn’t matter if it’s NYE, if they are close to you, they will be there for you.
Sorry, I guess I’m not really asking for advice! Maybe just ranting and hoping someone will read it and a stranger will tell me it’s all going to be fine?DrPFull Member
Sounds like a very difficult time, and I guess all we can add is a big virtual hug.
Having gone through similar years ago, just be aware many people (who you’ve told/will tell) will react differently. From being really sympathetic, not simply not batting an eyelid to even their OWN similar loss.
Your feelings and response are YOURS, and such you don’t need to validate them or explain them.
The person who simply bats it off may not understand why you feel devastated, and I guess vice-versa.
From a practical point of view, and though this may not help now, an early miscarriage is an action from the body that the pregnancy is unlikely to have been a healthy one in the long term. And knowing that in the future you want and can still go for a healthy pregnancy is definitely something to take hold of.
love and hugs
Had one at 12 weeks. It can be horrific.
Some practical advice. Get a load of heavy flow pads ready and load of pain killers hot water bottle etc. Be prepared to go to hospital if pain becomes to bad, my partner needed oral methadone. Hopefully your partner will not be that bad as it’s earlier.
Get her to book a day or two off work.
Also this is your time to support her, it’s ok for you to be upset but she will be in considerable physical pain, plus the loss plus hormones everywhere.willardFull Member
PM sentchakapingFree Member
Really feel for you mate.
Do you have an EAP as part of your or your wife’s work benefits?
You may be able to access counselling and support services quickly and easily via that (I work in this kind-of area and have also used it myself).
Wishing you both the best.jimdubleyouFull Member
I can say from experience it’s not a fun time. Be there for each other.
Some practical advice from my wife, go for a the surgical route if it’s available rather than “waiting for things to happen naturally” (which can take weeks). You get to start grieving earlier.
All the best to you both.stwhannahFull Member
I’m so sorry to hear this. I imagine that you’ll already know that it’s very common and most people will go on to have more successful pregnancies. But I know from experience that’s little comfort and yes, you do get attached to what you think is growing away in there. It sounds like there may be some more trauma to come if your wife hasn’t yet had bleeding, so if the worst is confirmed there’ll be that to get through.
I think that early miscarriage is often dismissed as something you shouldn’t be too upset over, and people don’t always let on that they’ve had one, which perhaps reinforces the idea that you should just get on with it. I had an early miscarriage between my two kids – no scan, I just woke up bleeding lumps (sorry for the graphic description but there’s no way I’d have mistaken it for a period and I think people should realise it can be traumatic even at an early stage). I was devastated and went to work the next day as a distraction (though I wasn’t much use). My recollection is that my husband treated it like a dose of bad period cramps and nothing more, and I felt silly and difficult for being so sad. It took me a couple of months of really feeling the loss – there are holiday photos from that time that even now bring back the hollow feeling – and when I got pregnant again I spent the whole time convinced the baby wouldn’t make it – but he did. Which all goes to say, it does affect you but it can go on to be OK.
I would say that it’s OK to be sad, and it’s OK to be a little fearful for how things might work out in the future. In fact, I’m touched that you are sad, and perhaps that’s a sign that you’re a loving and sensitive husband and one day you’re going to be a great dad with real emotions, affection and love. Take the time to be sad together, but remember you’re sad because of what you hoped you’ll grow together in future – and when you’re ready get back on with that knowing it’s what you both really want.
Ok I like many others have been there. Its crazy, how can you have an attachment to a child you have never met. But you do and its hard. Don’t start looking for someone to blame, was it me was it her, what caused this. The simple fact is this is really common. More common than you think and sometimes it is simply not meant to be. This was decades ago for me I still remember the feelings of being useless/helpless. I’m now dad to 3 wonderful kids (well adults now).
Keep posting your thoughts and feelings if it helps, we are a total mix of people on here who somehow pull togther at times.polyFree Member
Alwilis – stranger on the internet to tell you from experience that things will improve.
IME the treatment of expectant mothers in this situation is very medical and fathers are just the chauffeur.
I think the biggest support I got was from a friend – just a hug but knowing there was someone who I could talk to.fossyFull Member
My sister had an ectopic pregnancy, but, fortunately, they did try again and she has a baby boy now. She was high risk (various health issues) for carrying a baby full term. My SIL has recently miscarried – already got a boy of 3.doris5000Full Member
As pointed out above, grief and mourning are normal /expected responses so don’t try and hide from that.
We went through two miscarriages. The first was very tough and we just went to ground. MrsDoris was signed off work for 6 weeks, we hid from the world and waited for the clouds to part. Which they did, eventually. Just be kind to yourselves, don’t try to do too much, and remember that you’re not alone.scudFull Member
Very sorry to hear this, remember it is very natural to grieve and be there for your partner, it will be hard for her as her body has gone through the changes, and will continue to.
We lost our second child at around 13 weeks, we vowed to try again, but then my 4 year old daughter at the time was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes and that seemed to swallow all our time and attention, and we seemed to put a brave front on for her. I found my wife though about 6 months later crying her eyes out, and she said that she missed our unborn second one, and the grief then seemed to hit her badly for next 8-9 months. We never did then try again, and concentrated on our first daughter and trying to make sure she is happy and healthy, but i think we both regret that now and would of loved a second.
A member of the club here as well, twice over. Can’t really add much to what’s been said but my contribution would be that whatever you and your partner are feeling is exactly what YOU should be feeling because it’s a deeply personal thing.
If you need to speak to someone, do. If you are happier withdrawing and sorting your own heads out, do that.
With our third pregnancy, thecurrentmrsv had a bit of spotting and we were all “here we go again”. The sonographer was brilliant, scanned with the monitor away so she could give us the news herself as opposed to an inexpert guess. When she turned the monitor to us and pointed out the fluttering of a little heart, all that had gone before was in the past. Not forgotten, part of the shared us….
Now both growed up, nearly 18 and nearly 16. Just had an argument with eldest over how many bottles of koppaberg are sensible for her NYE party. Sometimes I still wish we’d kept the receipt…..LATFull Member
you have my deepest sympathy. the same thing happed to us. it was a truly awful experience. though it is completely normal and very common, your pain is real. don’t blame yourselves and look after each other.tartanscarfFull Member
Been there too, it was horrible especially after the trouble we’d had conceiving. We were devastated and it took a while to get through it. We did though and I’m sitting here watching Ron Goes Wrong eating biscuits with 2 cracking lads.
It is very common but that doesn’t make it easier. Take it easy, give yourselves time and look after each other.
Thanks to everyone for your honesty and for taking the time to post. I’ve just read through the whole thread and feel a bit more at peace with whatever we are told next week.
I also enjoyed all the posts with kids now filling your lives after getting through this or similar. Hopefully at some point we will be arguing over booze on NYE with a stroppy teenager!MoreCashThanDashFull Member
Tragic for you, but surprisingly common, which makes the lack of support seem ridiculous.
We are lucky to have two kids from 4 pregnancies – lost #2 and #4, at which point we stopped trying for more. Both lost relatively early around 10-12 weeks. Maybe having one child before the first loss made it easier to get over after the initial shock, but it was how MrsMC rationalised it.
Try and be there to support what your partner will be going through, emotions and hormones will be all over the place. I maybe wasn’t there emotionally as much as was needed, to my shame.
But look after yourself too. My MiL came up to spend some time looking after our youngest while we tried to come to terms with it. Her first words to me were “You must need a bike ride”. Battered myself senseless on some local hills and the tears flowed, I’ll be honest.
Hopefully at some point we will be arguing over booze on NYE with a stroppy teenager!
Bookmarked for the distant future – that’ll be back to haunt you……..mmcdFull Member
Although monumentally shit right now it will be OK. As others have said miscarriages are at more common that you’d imagine. Mrs MM had 3 miscs before Jnr nr2 appeared so it’s not its not the end of things, just a tragic bump in the road.NewRetroTomFull Member
Hard times. We lost one at 17 weeks in Nov 2019. It was horrible. Make sure you’re there for your partner. My wife didn’t get over it until she was pregnant with our next, who celebrated his first birthday 2 weeks ago.
All the best, and keep trying.schmikenFull Member
Our third child stopped growing at 16 weeks and we were both devastated – he wasn’t planned and we both ended up feeling really guilty about the relief we felt as well as deeply sad about him not making it.
It’s really hard, really heartbreaking and I needed counseling to help me through the grief process. Two years later and I still cry about him from time to time, but that’s ok and it’s just the way I can remember and commemorate him.
Allow yourself to feel sad about it, and remember that both of you will need help to get through it.
My prayers are with you both.bentandbrokenFull Member
Our first was unplanned and was lost at about 11 weeks. That was ~24 years ago and we still talk about it occasionally and wonder what might have been.
Our second (and only) is now 18 and is a joy.
It takes time, but in our case never goes away. Don’t ignore it, but don’t let it consume you.
Take care of yourself so you can take care of your partner.northshoreniallFull Member
So sorry to read your news, its brought a tear to my eye. It’s very hard for both of you but does get better, honest. We had many cycles of ivf after not being naturally able, unsuccessful at various stages, but am currently lying beside a 2 1/2yr old sleep resistant toddler so it’s not necessarily an end, just a disruption to your plans.
Can’t really give more advice than above, be there for each other, take time off work when needed – it hits hard but does get better, keeping busy can help but don’t neglect your need to grieve too. Some of the support can forget the males needs too so don’t be shy about asking. If you need to talk to someone do – professionals, us lot, or private message me if you need to. I still have a little cry about ours, 4 years on, it’s unfortunately very common but not openly discussed enough, I guarantee the more people you talk to about it will be surprising number been through it too – just look at this thread.
If we hadn’t had success in the end we were going to adopt, there are many ways to having kids – in fact we get an 18 month old boy in 3 weeks time via adoption – what were we thinking!scruffythefirstFree Member
We lost one between our first and the twins (now have 4! Whoops). The process is pretty rough and absolutely terrifying “to let things take their course at home on your own”, especially a few days after you find out. My missus still goes quiet for a few days around the anniversary of the due date.peajayFull Member
We now have 3 grown up kids, but had a miscarriage at try 2 & 4, for me the hardest part was coming out of the hospital after the first one and phoning the grand parents to let them know, my wife struggled being in a ward with other expectant mums knowing that her baby hadn’t survived and was getting an op the next day to remove it, horrible times but you move on, though never forget.BunnyhopFull Member
It’s so hard to get your head around why this has happened. But for myself I had to say it was ‘natures way’ and the baby (for that’s what it is) was not going to be healthy (I think DrP said as much).
My two miscarriages happened a long time ago, but once in a while I think of what might have been.
As mentioned by almost everyone, it is incredible common to have a miscarriage and some aren’t even registered to the pregnant woman as it can be within days of conceiving.
Time is your healer and maybe talking about your feelings to someone close.csbFull Member
I will never forget the roller coaster of joy at conceiving and the despair of loss (2 miscarriages for us). You will both bounce back though. Bizarre that you spend your teens and 20s shitting yourself about getting pregnant then realise what a minefield it is when you actually want to! Best wishes.
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