dont worry, you will get the hang of rolling out of bed pretty fast 🙂
I had about 10 days off the road bike the last time, a week the time before. You will know when you can get back on the MTB, you wont be riding around any little bump in the road anymore and you will be able to manage it without pain killers.
as for laughing, sneezing, sleeping that will all take longer I’m afraid. Then you will find wierd stuff that hurts. Last time I did mine it was a 3 hour trip back in my mate’s car with bucket seats, try getting out of those! or putting the hand brake on properly (lucky I dont live on a hill)
it does get you out of putting the dishes away in the high cupboards though!
oh and anything between 8 and 12 weeks before they are 95% again