Not sure the back story is that relevant, suffice to say I need to see an end to 10 or so years of emotional abuse. We’re not married and have two young children. I’m the breadwinner and she gave up work once the first child was born 14 years ago. We have a joint mortgage and as the children come first, I intend to split the house 50/50, so that they have a roof over their heads, whether staying with their mum or me. My partner seems to think the girls will be staying with her, but I suspect that it will be more of a 60/40 split, depending on which parent is “flavour of the week”.

I currently give my partner a substantial monthly allowance for food and other expenditure. I still do a fair amount of food shopping, as she can’t stand supermarkets! I also pay for the mortgage, rates, her car, holidays and any other large bills,etc. Even though it was her decision to split up (we both agree, along with the kids that the current relationship isn’t sustainable), I’m currently continuing to pay her allowance to keep the status quo, while she looks for a job and we sort the house out ready for selling.

I’ve taken some brief legal advice, to check my position ( after reading numerous threads on here!) and in the eyes of the law we are two ‘financially independent people’. She seems to think that she’s going to get by on a part time job, cos she’ll clearly looking after the kids. But both children are now at secondary school, so I’m not sure this argument holds water and I suspect she thinks I’m going to financially support her for the rest of her days.

I’m just wondering at what point do I stop the allowance, only paying my share of the children’s needs. We don’t discuss much about this, as any more than about 2 minutes debate and she flies off in a rage! I was hoping to do this once she gets a job, but not sure how long this could take. Anyway, I feel as if I have reached a bit of an impasse and so, with those of you having gone through similar circumstances what would you do and what advice can you give me? Obviously being in the middle of this, I may have missed something fundamental; it wouldn’t be the first time! Thanks in advance.

Child maintenance is paid by the non resident parent to the resident parent, on a sliding scale, based on the number of nights spent at either parent’s home and on the take home income of the non resident parent. The calculator is available here. For legal purposes, the resident parent is the parent that the children live with more, even if it’s 51/49. That parent will also be able to claim the child benefit for both parents.

There’s no compulsion to follow this amount, but it’s considered a reasonable starting point for negotiations. I believe if the non resident parent did not engage, an enforcement order can be sought. Do not go down this road.

Good luck, try to keep it reasonably amicable, but don’t get walked all over.

There’s some reasonably good further reading on the above link, too.

@v8ninety,thanks for the feedback and the link to the child benefit calculator,very useful. I intend to contribute as much as is necessary and in all probability more than the minimum, to ensure there is no room for arguments. I’ve had my gut full of those over the years! I suppose my concern is that my partner will expect me to subsidize her, for the fact that she won’t be able to get a full time job, because of the kids!

I think I’ll have to seek more legal advice.

She’s also said this afternoon, that “we’ll put the house on the market when we’re ready”; whatever that means!

Thanks.

As you have not been married, the only legal demand on you will be to support your kids financially not your partner.

I’ve no direct experience of this, but sounds like your ex-partner needs a reality check. I’d be planning to stop HER allowance yesterday – is their a compelling reason not to do this? Are you concerned that your ex won’t be able to return to work effectively after 14 years, and feel you need to add some financial buoyancy?
I mean good for you for wanting to do the right thing for the children – this is not the place for a man to count his pennies, but ‘two financially independent people’ is the bottom line so that has to be the structure you operate in.

If she can’t sit down and calmly discuss it like an adult without ‘flying into a rage’ then **** her, silly cow 👍

Is there a third party who could be responsible for disseminating funds? By that, I mean, is there a relative you’re both on good terms with who can be trusted to fairly distribute the current allowance for the good of your kids? An escrow partner if you will?

Sadly, communication breakdown will empty both of your pockets – communicating by lawyers is insanely expensive for all involved, so I’d recommend Relate just to get you back on talking terms.

That said, good legal representation will stop you having the mick taken, so don’t be afraid to throw some cash in that direction.

Best of luck to all of you.

As I understand it, if you aren’t married your obligations are restricted to shared ownership of the house and providing for your kids, who by the sound of it understand what’s going on here. Rightly or wrongly, not being married leaves a couple quite exposed in the event of a separation.

Spend a bit of money now on decent legal advice clarifying your position with regards to the house, the kids, the ex and any potential claim on pensions. Then get the quickest clean break you can manage.

Thanks for the replies and encouraging support. As I understand it in England, as we are not married, there is no such thing a common law wife and as said, in the eyes of the law, we are both financially independent. So there should be on claim on pensions,ect., only for the financial support of our children.

Anyway I will seek legal advice and probably some form of mediation, to enable some form of agreement to be reached.

Thanks again for your support. Due to long term issues with the above, I don’t have much of a social life, so it’s good to get feedback like this, to start to put things into perspective.

Best of luck.

I can only suggest getting the 50:50 split on the house done ASAP. She could buy you out, you could buy her out, or you sell. Not “when I’m ready”, if you’re separated then it needs doing ASAP. You need your half in order to set up afresh for yourself.