- This topic has 179 replies, 119 voices, and was last updated 2 months ago by thepurist.
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Best line from a sitcom
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“Excuse me, has anyone got a bottle of Orange Juice?”
Posted 2 months agoNot a sitcom ..but this line still gets me every time ..
Posted 2 months agoAnother one I repeat at regular occasions, since there’s a field of shetland ponies near us:
‘How far away are they?’
(Phoenix Nights)
Posted 2 months ago‘“I have a cunning plan”
”Don’t tell him Pike”
”Lovely boy”
”My aunt Marion gave them to me for my 12th birthday. She thought if I failed at theoretical physics that I should have a trade to fall back on.”
You ahould be able to identify all four just from these lines. All classics. The last is very pertinent for me!
Posted 2 months ago“I’m as happy as a Frenchman who has just invented a pair of self-removing trousers.”
Bleak Expectations.
Posted 2 months agoThe jerk store called…..
Posted 2 months agoSteptoe and son.Father reading an old newspaper headline ” King Zog flees ” Son replies ” That’s nothing mate you’ve got king size fleas “
Posted 2 months agoHear You? I can see you!
(Phoenix nights)
+++++++++++
Is your little soldier not standing to attention?
He’s standing to attention alright, he’s just firing off all his ammunition before he goes into battle
(Early Doors)
Posted 2 months agoYou make love like a Chinese meal. Small portions but so many courses.
EDIT – for Cougar… So what is it?
Posted 2 months agoAlbert Steptoe, ‘Just because a prune is wrinkled doesn’t mean it isn’t sweet.’
Posted 2 months ago
Posted 2 months agoRhesus?! They’re monkeys, aren’t they? How dare you! What are you implying? I didn’t come here to be insulted by a legalised vampire!
“I’ve always thought white people were bad kissers and it’s not their fault. It’s just they’ve just got really small lips”.
(Chewing Gum. Is brill, watch it)
Posted 2 months agoNot so much a line. but a piece of brilliance from Cheers…
WELL YA SEE, NORM, IT’S LIKE THIS… A HERD OF BUFFALO CAN ONLY MOVE AS FAST AS THE SLOWEST BUFFALO. AND WHEN THE HERD IS HUNTED, IT IS THE SLOWEST AND WEAKEST ONES AT THE BACK THAT ARE KILLED FIRST. THIS NATURAL SELECTION IS GOOD FOR THE HERD AS A WHOLE, BECAUSE THE GENERAL SPEED AND HEALTH OF THE WHOLE GROUP KEEPS IMPROVING BY THE REGULAR KILLING OF THE WEAKEST MEMBERS.IN MUCH THE SAME WAY, THE HUMAN BRAIN CAN ONLY OPERATE AS FAST AS THE SLOWEST BRAIN CELLS. EXCESSIVE INTAKE OF ALCOHOL, AS WE KNOW, KILLS BRAIN CELLS. BUT NATURALLY IT ATTACKS THE SLOWEST AND WEAKEST BRAIN CELLS FIRST. IN THIS WAY, REGULAR CONSUMPTION OF BEER ELIMINATES THE WEAKER BRAIN CELLS, MAKING THE BRAIN A FASTER AND MORE EFFICIENT MACHINE. THAT’S WHY YOU ALWAYS FEEL SMARTER AFTER A FEW BEERS.”
-Cliff Clavin
Posted 2 months agoDoes radio count?
A: “There you go, Skip, nice hot cup of coffee.”
M: “It’s cold!”
A: “Nice cup of coffee…”
M: “Eugh, it’s horrible!”
A: “Cup of coffee…”
M: “I’m not even sure it is coffee!”
A: “Cup.”
Posted 2 months agoI’ve never seen one before. No-one has!
Posted 2 months agoDoes radio count?
It does if its Cabin Pressure – last two episodes repeated on 4Extra later this week, btw.
Posted 2 months agoIt does if its Cabin Pressure
In that case:
“Geeeeeet dressed you merry gentlemen let nothing you dismay! Today is christmas christmas christmas christmas christmas dayyy!”
Posted 2 months agoFriends:
Monica – “Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds”
Chandler – “Oh, so how many cameras are on you?”
Not sure if Family Guy counts:
“I’m not meteorologist, but I do believe it be raining bitches”
Simpsons (likewise)
Homer: You can’t enjoy money when you’re dead so why not have fun now!!
Marge: Don’t you think you’ve had enough fun? Last year you spent $5,000 on donuts, $2,000 on scalp massages, $500 on body glitter.
Homer: Hey, I earned that money. While you lounge around here doing laundry and putting up drywall, I’m at work busting my hump.
Marge: Oh, please. From what I hear, you waltz in there at 10:30, take a nap on the toilet, then sit around Googling your own name until lunch.
Homer: (gasping) Who told you that?
Marge: You shouted it while we were making love!
Posted 2 months ago“If that’d been me, I’d’ve stayed in the tent, whacked Scott over the head with a frozen husky, and then eaten him.”
Posted 2 months agoLeonard: What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane, wrapped helically around an axis?
Posted 2 months ago
Sheldon: Screwed?
Leonard: There you go!Not so much a line as a paragraph:
Where is everybody, Hol?
They’re dead, Dave.
Who is?
Everybody, Dave.
What, Captain Hollister?
Everybody’s dead, Dave.
What, Todhunter?
Everybody’s dead, Dave.
What, Selby?
They’re all dead. Everybody’s dead, Dave.
Peterson isn’t, is he?
Everybody is dead, Dave.
Not Chen?
Gordon Bennett! Yes, Chen, everybody, everybody’s dead, Dave!
Rimmer?
He’s dead, Dave, everybody is dead, everybody is dead, Dave.
Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody’s dead?
I wish I’d never let him out in the first place
Posted 2 months agoCliff (or possibly Norm): Women… can’t live with them… pass the beer nuts.
“You do not need to kill the General, we have already arranged to kill the General… Do you not see? That if we kill him with the pill from the till by making with it the drug in the jug, you need not light the candle with the handle on the Gateau from the Chateau!”
Hacker: “Don’t tell me about the press. I know exactly who reads the papers: The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country; The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country; The Times is read by the people who actually do run the country; The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country; The Financial Times is read by people who own the country; The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country; and The Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is.”
That last from Yes Minister / Yes Prime Minister. It stands alone as a great (if long) “one-liner” but since I see so many others have subverted the thread premise, I’m going to follow up with the coda that made an already good gag a little bit better:
Sir Humphrey: Oh and Prime Minister, what about the people who read The Sun?
Bernard: Sun readers don’t care who runs the country as long as she’s got big tits.
And finally, apologies if I’ve missed it, seen lots of Red Dwarf but not spotted my favourite:
“…my own personal preference, which is “The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society.” Erm, one drawback with that: the abbreviation is “CLITORIS.” ”
Posted 2 months agoseen lots of Red Dwarf but not spotted my favourite
To be fair, you could probably quote half the script from Polymorph.
Posted 2 months agoI say lets get out there and **** it.
edit: somewhat spoiled by the swear filter there.
Posted 2 months agoMate of mine once almost got thrown out of a restaurant for wearing a tee-shirt with that quote on it. Ended up having to eat with his shirt on inside-out.
Posted 2 months agoMainwaring (pointing to a piece of graffiti scrawled on the back of the church organ:) “You see that word Jones, have you done that?”
”What, recently Captain Mainwaring?”
Posted 2 months agoGreat Boo’s up!
Posted 2 months agoThe Young Ones. Vivian’s head to the rest of his body walking down the railway :
You took your time, you b*****d
Posted 2 months agoWOOF!
Posted 2 months agoBAAH !
Posted 2 months agoAaaaahhhh!!, you have a womans hands.
Posted 2 months agoSo what is it?
Posted 2 months agoMight have missed this, but Fawlty Towers, The Germans.
“Don’t mention the war!”
“But you started it”
“No we didn’t, you invaded Poland!”
Posted 2 months agoAbFab (natch)
“Inside me there’s a thin woman fighting to get out!”
“What, just the one, dear?”
Posted 2 months ago
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