Oh Poppet, to think when we first met you were so worried you came from Iran.

Course I did, how do you think I got these trainers

The Swan and Peado

Mike: In 1994 while on weekend manoeuvres in France, I commandeered a Chieftain tank without the permission of my immediate superiors. I then attempted to invade Paris. However, en route I stopped off at Disneyland Paris, or EuroDisney as it was then called, and was subsequently apprehended on Space Mountain.
TA Officer: Do you have any explanation as to why you might have done this?
Mike: Well sir, at the time, I was suffering from serious emotional problems that had clearly affected my judgement. I had immersed myself in a fantasy world of my own creation and as a result I became very insular and uncommunicative.
TA Officer: Why do you think that was?
Mike: [Shrugs] I dunno.

Richie What about pin the tail on the donkey?

Eddie: We haven’t got a donkey.

Richie: Well er, pin the tail on the chicken

Eddie: We haven’t got a tail.

Richie: Well pin the sausage on the chicken.

Eddie: We haven’t got a chicken.

Richie: Well pin the sausage on the fridge.

Eddie: Or a pin.

Richie: Sellotape a sausage to the fridge.

Eddie: We haven’t got a sausage.

Richie: Put a bit of Sellotape on the fridge!

Eddie: Not much of game, is it?

“I’m as happy as a Frenchman who has just invented a pair of self-removing trousers.”

Can we have an idea what sitcom these quotes are from please 🤔

“Hi mum it’s me, Colin”

”Your son”

”The Chinese one”

Ross from friends;

“mississippili?”

“you’re over me?…when were you under me?”

“sure, that’s how they measure trousers, IN PRISON!!!”

kryten in red dwarf;

“SMEEEGGGGG!”

If it’s a girl they are going to call it Sigourney after some actress.

And if it’s a boy they are going to call it Rodney. After Dave.

She wants us to go to Botswana.

What, Botswana in Africa?

No, Botswana upon Thames

posted in wrong thread

bikebouy – mine are from the Peep Show and Spaced.

<b>Red Sky:</b>
Jack: Carter? What just happened? (Sam looks up at the sky, confused)
Elrad: The Eye of Odin grows dim.
Sam: Some sort of shift in the light frequency.
Jack: Good. I thought I was having a stroke.

“O’Neill; two L’s” *holds up three fingers*

That quote from Bottom ^^ is comedy genius!

Its hot, very hot, might be too hot…

Gary (talking about being dumped by Dorothy): “Do you know what hurts the most?”

Tony (half pissed, distractedly): “Yeah, getting you balls caught between two bricks, gotta be”.

The ‘It’s hot’ quote is a classic and very apt – have said that daily for the last month (much to the wife’s annoyance, who won’t play along 😢

You bring these things into our homes. They sit on our chairs. They watch our televisions. Now, I just need to know, on behalf of all men everywhere, I just need to ask, please… What are they for? I mean, look at them! Look at the chubby little bastards! Just sitting around everywhere! What are they, pets for chairs?

These pound-a-pair underpants,  Barb, I’ve got fifty pence worth up my arrrse!!

(Essex accent) You’ve got two fackin chances – no chance and no fackin chance! Now I’m off for a poo.

“44444444” (Richie answering the phone in Bottom. I couldn’t breathe. Not sure it works as a one-liner though!)

Smoke me a kipper, I’ll be back for breakfast.

Yes, well there was one tiny flaw in the plan.

Really Sir, what was that?

It was bollocks.

(Blackadder Goes Forth, final episode. The context and delivery of it makes it – reading it without that is nowhere near as funny….)

Magna Carta! Magna Carrta! Did she die in vain?

That’s the first time tonight I’ve known what he’s got in his hand.

Not 1 line, but:

“That new boyfriend of hers… what’s he like?”

“Massive knob.”

“Has he?”

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<span style=”font-size: 0.8rem;”> “Stop rocking the caravan, Geoffrey!”</span>

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Coupling was SO good!

“Oh Edmund, can it be true? That I hold here in my mortal hands a nugget of purest Green?”

“The secret ingredient is crime!”

Mark – “My god, you’re not James Bond, you’re disgusting!”

Jeremy -(thinks) “I am James Bond!”

And of course the immortal “Smell my cheese, you mother!”

“Nostalgia’s not what it used to be”

(Detectorists)

Darren: “It still smells of shit in here.”

You should just get a van. With a van, it’s like you’ve got an MBA, but you’ve also got a f***ing van. You’re not just a man anymore – you are a man with a van. You get a van, Jez, we could be men with ven.

Unless we all conform, unless we follow our leaders blindly, there is no possible way we can remain free.  ~Frank, M*A*S*H

“Did you use a set square? I think not.”

shortly followed by

“Oh my!”

I’ve got the keys to heaven, but I’ve got too many legs”

One of the very, very best!  😂

”Baldrick, your brain is an empty as a eunuchs underpants.”  Blackadder.

”I’d go with Betty, but I’d be thinking about Wilma”.  Red Dwarf.

”I’ll call it my lucky willy and show it to my grandchildren.”  Blackadder.

”He had too many fights, got punchy see.”

“What happened to him?”

“Last I heard, he was doing very well in the prison service.”.  Porridge.

“Love length”  Phoenix Nights.

“Oh, I’m glad you would rather have sex with my mother than your own sister, Neil.”  The Inbetweeners.

”Monkey tennis”.  Alan Partridge.

“What kind of situation could possibly require the use of a remote controlled wheelchair and a pair of fake joke arms? Only, I imagine, a completely ludicrous one!”

also, I am totally incapable of walking through M&S without saying

“It’s Ireland’s biggest lingerie section, or so i’m told”

Women. You can’t live with ‘em… Pass the beer nuts.

“Mr. Flibble’s very cross. You shouldn’t have run away from him. What are we going to do with them, Mr. Flibble?”

[whispers]

“We can’t possibly that!…

…Who’d clear up the mess?”

Woody: Would you like a beer Norm

Norm: Bit early isn’t it?

Woody: For beer?

Norm: No, for stupid questions

“Beloved ****.

It’s a typo, it’s supposed to say beloved aunt.”

Also from the same ‘sitcom’ – ” **** you you carwash ****.”

Diane Chambers: [after Diane has jumped off the sailboat and into the water] Sam, throw me a line, please.

Sam Malone: OK. “What’s a nice girl like you doing in an ocean like this?”

From “Cheers” the proposal episode 1986

Band meeting