Quote it, no context allowed.

“I hear you’re a racist now Father”

Closely followed by

“Are you sure sir? It does mean changing the bulb.”

“What with these feet?”

Doesn’t even need the line, just the image.

“Every shot so far”

Too many to choose from

I’ve lusted after [her] since I was eight.

You fancy eight year olds?

No, Neil. Our families are friends. We were both eight

So? You still fancied an eight year old.

Yes you did, you invaded Poland!

Don’t tell him your name Pike!

“Well may I ask what you expected to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically…”

I’m a sucker for a mindless US sitcom.

“Some… not a lot”

and

“Got your back Jack, Bitches be crazy”.

I hate you Butler.

“A pint? Why that’s very nearly an armful!”

You know I can’t understand Morse code! (Open all Hours)

Born free….. till somebody caught me. (Porridge)

“Charles, how come you never sweat?”

“In the first place, I do not sweat; I perspire. In the second place, I never perspire.”

Again, too many!

“Oh god I’m bored. I might as well be listening to Genesis”

“With these feet?”

“Play it cool Trigger”

Goodnight Vienna

Crunchy Nut Cornflakes are just Frosties for ****.

POWER TO THE PEOPLE

I always used to like the mangled French, this one is the best

“It’s not goodbye Raquelle, it’s bonjour”

Father Ted is a gold mine – particularly “speed” with Pat Mustard:

You got me sacked and now I’m having to yank meself off around the clock because I haven’t got any proper sex with girls.

From “To the Manor Born”

<div>On the subject of Audrey’s Uncle Greville</div>
Marjory: “I suppose he’s absolutely stinking rich.”
Audrey: “Oh, absolutely stinking. He made a squalid million-”
Marjory: “Honestly?”
Audrey: “No one ever makes a million honestly! Then he squandered it on loose women, then he made another million or two: all very seedy.”
Marjory: “Oh, I wish I could find a man who’d squander a million on me.”
Audrey: “I said loose women, Marjory.”
Marjory: “Oh, I could loosen up no end if the man was right!”

One of my all time favourite sitcoms

“He vanished…like an old, oak table.”
“That’s varnished.”

Castle Howard

I’m sorry for your loss. Move on.

“I want to cover every inch of your gorgeous body in pepper, and then sneeze all over you.”

“Careful now!”

“Ho” is a strong term. Right now, I’m somewhere between “anatomical sales associate” and “high maintenance girlfriend.” Can’t you be positive about my growth?

“If you ever take the piss out of Al Jolson again, I will take that I-Pod of yours out of its tiny nano-sheath, and push it up your cock.”

“Come the **** in or **** the **** off”

“Why, round the Cape, the rain beats down so hard it makes your head bleed!”

<strong welsh accent> “Stop rocking the caravan, Geoffrey!”

“Tomato – Ted – aubergine – your – potato – wife’s – turnip – dead”

Ze bed knobs arr flashing

Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Willis…?

SACK ME! I AM THE BBC!

I ate your bees

“I have a cunning plan”

Good moaning. I was jus pissing by

“It’s your cock up my arse”

(punctuation left out as per the way it was said)

This crack’s a bit more-ish

Feet off the furniture you Oxbridge ****, you’re not on a punt now!

You look like you just shat a lego garage

Standing on the landing may be a great song title, but to me it’s just a tax loss.

This is like the Shawshank redemption only more crawling through shit and less redemption.

****ity bye.