Thank you to everyone for your kind words and sharing your own experiences.

Well its 10 months on and how are we all coping?

Sadly TJ’s words were very prescient, I know this time of the year is very hard on those left behind so cut yourself some slack if it all seems a bit much to be jolly.

From a personal point I had one more death in the family which just leaves me and my younger sister as survivors.

Next March will see a big change in my life that will give me a sense of freedom without guilt (I hope) cant officially say till the paperwork is signed in 2 weeks time.

Thankfully I have regained my confidence but I still miss Carolyn so much 🙁

I’ve been struggling recently, especially at the end of October, the weekend of the 19th to the 21st, which was exactly eight months since I lost Joey, my partner of three and a half years. I also had a number of health issues, nearly tripped down the stairs and twisted my arthritic knee and aggravated a back injury from years ago, dealing with the development of cataracts and also macular degeneration in one eye, then I had what turned out to be a trapped nerve in my right arm, possibly by catching the bannister rail to stop myself falling down the stairs, which was stopping me sleeping, and I just crashed, I couldn’t deal with things anymore.

Fortunately work is very understanding, even before we were taken over by Cazoo, but they are very keen on their staff taking care of themselves, and I was given two weeks at home, no questions whatsoever, and I managed to get a doctors appointment at the end of the first week, and her diagnosis was pretty much what I thought, and I was put on a four week minimum dose of Amitriptyline, which has sorted the problem after two weeks. Back at work, which is much quieter than it used to be, and stress-free.

Really not looking forward to Christmas though; I only have my brother and sister-in-law, and they have people they go away to, and while I was always rather indifferent to Christmas, Joey loved it, and put decorations and lights up, so it’s going to be so very quiet and empty without her. My mum died ten or eleven years ago, and my step-dad five years ago, just when Joey suddenly re-appeared after twenty-odd years, so she brought light and life back into the house, despite having some issues, which we were getting through.

And now she’s gone, and I miss her so very, very much.

Just wondering if this is normal

Everything is normal, nothing you will ever feel in relation to anything that ever happens to you has not been felt by countless others over time. My way of dealing things is to accept knowing that I’m not unique, by knowing that things will get better but importantly in accepting that right now I can’t feel they will ever be better.

Finding this thread has been a revelation for me,since losing Mum in March after a long drawn out illness, dealing with the estate,solicitors and accountant had kept me busy and as this has gradually faded into the background I have been overwhelmed with anxiety,depression and anger…exactly what others have found..I didn’t understand what was happening,everything I enjoyed doing before became toxic,I didn’t dare ride my motorbike,driving was a chore mixed in with bouts of anger,my 2 days of work a week became an exercise in frustration and anxiety and a mildly annoying home situation got blown out of all proportions.
This prompted me to talk to a counsellor who, whilst helping, didn’t really nail this down for me but this thread has,it appears I am normal after all!
I have made some changes,more downs walking,less work pressure on myself (not sure if the business will survive this winter) and to try and avoid stress risers…not sure how Xmas is going to pan out,looking forward to see my children but a large family gathering may not be the best place for me,I may just stay at home and look after the dogs instead.
I might even get a bike down from the loft!!….crazy I know!
Thoughts to everyone missing someone today..everyone’s journey is different but places like this forum provide a safe haven..Thank you.

Mrs Sandwich lost her mother at the end of last year as a result of COVID isolation. As an Ulsterwoman everything was bottled up until we saw Tim Minchin recently. He sang “Carry You” as his last song and I had to prefer an absorbent shoulder while it was all cried out.
Grief affects us all differently, at some point you’ll be an emotional mess and that’s ok.

I actually went further downhill regards confidence. Both home and work suffered but my team leader is very understanding. I think I’m turning a corner with being able to get a few jobs done around the house. This is helping my mental state. I just need to get through one major milestone at work and I can put some baggage behind me. It’s been a rollercoaster 18 months for me (us) and I can just see it improving if only slightly.
The advice and support on here is so valuable so I can only say thanks again. And to those who are still not feeling right, it does get better. We come out the other side as different people so don’t expect life to be the same.

I don’t remember this thread from first time around but as you know my partner of 40 years went and died on me 6 months ago.

The first few months passed in a bit of a daze enclosed in “brain fog”.  Decision making was hard and I survived by delegating 🙂  I retired from work before Julie became ill so I have not had to worry about that.  I had a couple of sessions with the counselor at Maggies which if nothing else validated how I was feeling

I few weeks ago my brain ” rebooted” and the worst of the fog lifted which then let in the “black” which then resulted in me having a panic attack.  Ive had a couple more sessions with the counselor which with hindsight I could have done with a week or two before.  I have recovered my equilibrium but I am far from the end of this.

Cycling has been an utter godsend.  Not been out the last few weeks much but I have done a lot of miles.  I have also had the most incredible support from people and I have both asked for it and accepted it.  I took a decision at the beginning of this journey to just be totally honest and open.  I have asked people for help when I need it.

I have scattered her ashes in some of the beautiful corners of scotland in accordance with her wishes. Yesterday I gave an old university friend of hers the chance to scatter some Very early on we discussed this and I wrote out an outline plan.  I wrote in bold at the bottom – ” this will help me heal”

I am plodding down my path.  ” One step at a time, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other”

There are a few things I have done which have helped me.

I am proud that I nursed her to the end and that I did it well and anytime I now think about those weeks I tell myself that.  “I am proud of what I did”
When I get what I call a ” thud” moment where a memory triggers and my heart goes thud rather than thinking “oh no – we will never do that again” flip it to “what a great time that was” and fix it to a happy memory

I’ve gone to a counselor 4 times now.  I have found it very beneficial.  remember that as ever the key thing its the relationship between the two of you.

I have been open to the point of bluntness.  People ask how I am I tell them and I don’t sugar coat it

I have asked for help from friends,  I have not waited for them to phone me

That’s very well put TJ a “thud” moment is exactly what its like, just sometimes it takes a real effort to turn it into a happy memory.

I’m so happy for you that you could put your professional training to good use and be proud you gave Julie the best possible last few months, not many of us could say the same.

This afternoon I will be digi scanning a whole load more pictures of my mum & step father, he could be a right pain in the arse sometimes but he was a bloody good photographer!

Thankfully I also was an avid picture taker so have loads of Carolyn, plenty where she was giving me that “I think that’s enough pictures of me” look!

There’s little things that make me upset, Joey loved having flowers in the garden, something that I never had anything to do with in the past, because that was my stepdad’s domain, he didn’t even really like my mum to intrude,  but Joey loved having a part of the garden of her own, and in particular having lots of pots and wall sconces she could put plants in, and in particular petunias, and she found some unusual ones that had dark purple/blue flowers with white spots, so we bought some of those and other colours, and I really grew to appreciate having them on the back wall of the house, they added vivid colour and scent, especially as it’s south-facing. After she died, I spotted some for sale where she used to work, so I bought some, and divided them up, but I still had a couple of wall sconces to fill. I went back, but they’d all gone. I’ve looked after them just as she would have wanted, and there was one last plant that’s kept flowering right up to now; I went out tonight to sort out the hedgehogs and bird feeders, and the very last flower has dropped off. I just feel so empty, I’ve sat and cried, I’m heartbroken and lost without her. Losing her so suddenly, it never gave me any chance to become accustomed to the idea, like with my mum, who’d suffered gradual heart deterioration over ten years or so, and she was in her 80’s, but Joey was twelve years younger than me, and it was a thrombosis that killed her.

I think it’s going to take me a very long time to get over her loss.

CountZero

I think it’s going to take me a very long time to get over her loss.

In a good way I hope we never get over the loss of our loved ones as to do so would seem strange IMO?

My In-Laws are near to you so expect a message from me and visit next year even if its to sit in a pub garden and make each other cry for the loss of our partners.

I think it’s going to take me a very long time to get over her loss.

I am determined to heal and to have a life again but thats not really the same thing.  I too miss my Julie so much.  She is constantly in my thoughts.  We will all be forever changed and I don’t know if you ever “get over it”

I am afraid I have not grasped everyones story in detail – too preoccupied with my own.  However Christmas day is going to be tricky for many of us. I intend to go bike riding – any of you wish to join me?  I have no idea where everyone lives!

Thankfully I also was an avid picture taker so have loads of Carolyn, plenty where she was giving me that “I think that’s enough pictures of me” look!

All of us have at least one of those somewhere in the archive!

All of us have at least one of those somewhere in the archive!

Many of my pictures of Julie!

I think it’s going to take me a very long time to get over her loss.

I dont think we do ever get over the loss of a loved one if im completely honest.

Was nice to read this thread 10 months ago, and to reread it with all the updates today.
I lost my mum 17 years ago now and my old man went 2 and a 1/2 years ago thankfully just before covid had really started as we got to spend the last days by his bedside.

Christmas is a real struggle for me every year, my mum loved christmas to the point where she would start buying presents in January, and each of the last 17 years has been hard without here making jokes, burning dinner or doing something stupid just to make us all laugh or smile.

It just isnt the same and wont be at any point, i usually put a brave face on and make it as fun as a i can for my own kids as thats what she would have wanted, but i just want it done and dusted so i dont have to remember what a hole she left behind at this time of year.

And i do have some fantastic memories of christmas time with her, just cant find the “joy” in this time of year anymore.

Thoughts are with anyone who is struggling.

Just to clarify here is a “that’s enough pictures look”

Taken on one of the islands on Loch Awe