This might be a long one, so I will get in early with thanks to anyone that replies!

So… Me and my ex broke up some 10 years ago. At the time my daughter was 4 years old. It tough at the time, but I am long moved on and am now married to a wonderful woman. We have a child of our own, who is nearly 5.

Over those ten years, my relationship with the ex has generally been pretty good (all things considered), but she always held the power when it came to my daughter, Lilly. I would have to walk on egg shells not to upset the ex, otherwise she would make it difficult to see Lilly. But as I say, it was fairly ok for the most part. I would see Lilly on a regular basis and we would go on holiday with her once a year etc. I have always been involved with parents evenings at school etc. For a little bit of extra context, the Ex’s mother is a toxic human being and the rest of her family aren’t the greatest of folks, in my slightly tainted opinion, which I think plays a part in the actions of the ex over the years.

Now Lilly is 15, over the last year or so we decided to relax things slightly with visiting. As at 15, the last thing she probably wants to do is hang out with her old man. So visiting was on an ad hoc basis. This worked well initially. Now we go weeks and weeks without seeing her. Lockdowns didnt help, as the Ex was particularly cautious. Her mindset is always centred around her and her family, with little to no consideration for me and my family (possibly to be expected, but she is very selfish).

Add to this, she is at that age where her body is changing and hormones are in full flight. Not that long ago, she didnt visit for a while as she ‘hated’ me, but couldnt explain why. The ex put it down to hormones. which is cool, these things happen and i try my best to roll with punches.

She has her own room at our house and when she is with us, and we ask nothing of her. No chores to do etc. She can do as she pleases. Has her Xbox, food, drink… whatever. Her friends occasionally come with her and stay. Its a pretty easy life when with us.

Last weekend she was meant to come over. The Ex rang me to say that she had a college appointment on the Saturday morning at 10am. This meant I would pick her up Friday evening, spend a few hours with her, then get up Saturday morning (she isn’t an early riser), take her to the college (which is a 30-40 min drive away) and then that was our time together done. So I suggested picking her up from college and her staying Saturday night instead of Friday. This was a no go, as she had plans with friends. So the ex suggested to me that I see her the following weekend (so this weekend). I spoke to Lilly at the time and this seemed cool. Low and behold she doesn’t want to come over now. I assumed this was as she got a better offer from friends. I txt the Ex to keep her informed (as sometimes they don’t communicate about movements).

She replies telling my Lilly doesn’t want to come over due to the lack of effort I made taking her to college. As she thought I would be interested in supporting her college choices. Which I absolutely am. And the fact is that the Ex was the one to suggest I saw her the following weekend.

Maybe at the time I felt like I was being used as a taxi and should have relished the handful of hours spent together, rather than trying to trade it in for the following weekend?

This leaves me feeling like a crap dad. Which I truly try not to be.

Its also difficult to try and explain this to Lilly’s half sister, who at 4 years old, doesn’t really understand the concept of it all and absolutely adores her big sister.

I am giving Lilly a call later to try and clear the air and apologise. I don’t want this to come across as a ‘woe is me’, as I know many have things going on that are much worse. I guess its partially venting, but mostly asking for advice, if you have been, or are in this situation and is there anything you would do to move things forward. Am I being a crap dad? I am at a loss as what to do. I cant force her to come and see me and I try and make it as appealing as possible, but appear to be failing.

Or do I just learn to live with this and hope at some point she will be old enough to want to see her ‘other’ family?

If you got this far…. thanks for reading, I’m all ears…..

My parents split up when I was young.

I was a right horrible bastard sometimes to my Dad and his new wife at the time, when I was a teenager.

She is also a teenager. I think even the theoretical ‘perfect’ family struggles with Teenagers at times never mind a disjointed extended setup like yours or mine.

Dont sweat it. Your her Dad, she loves you. It’ll be fine.

Well written OP. It will be tricky, but it looks like you’re doing the right thing.

My son is a similar age and I spend less and less time with him. He very much wants to spend his weekends with his mates doing teenager stuff.
I was a bit sad about this, but then realised it was perfectly natural and right.

Our interaction is now more towards providing “necessities” like Nandos, xboxes, data bundles and transport.

If you’re not her primary residence then you’re going to be hard done by as you don’t get the natural day to day stuff and whenever she has blocks of time then it’s a direct choice between you and her mates. Which you’ll lose 85% of the time ( or at least I do)

Try not to sweat it too much. Be available when you can, and I expect that you will again become closer again during her adult life.

I read this as “being part-time dead”. That would be definitely doing it wrong yes.

15? Yeah don’t worry or over think it. Repeat the mantra: calm and consistent, calm and consistent, calm and consistent……

Maybe at the time I felt like I was being used as a taxi and should have relished the handful of hours spent together, rather than trying to trade it in for the following weekend?

With Hindsight, this. But also

Dont sweat it. Your her Dad, she loves you. It’ll be fine.

Is sound advice.

As kids grow up it’s natural for them to have a relaxed attitude to spending time with their folks. It’s not you, it’s not your kids, it’s just how it’s meant to be.

As kids grow up it’s natural for them to have a relaxed attitude to spending time with their folks. It’s not you, it’s not your kids, it’s just how it’s meant to be.

Amen 🙂

I’m in a similar situation with my eldest daughter (13) who can be pretty flakey as to when she wants to spend time with me.

Can’t say that I get too upset about it, she’s just starting to find her own way in the world along with her social circle.

I’ll still be here when she decides I’m cool again! 😀

Try not to sweat it too much. Be available when you can, and I expect that you will again become closer again during her adult life.

Based on my personal experience living in a ‘broken’ home: My dad was a git. He never made the effort or acted like he wanted to see me. It sounds like you’re doing a great job. Communication with Lilly must be tough when it sounds like the ex cannot be trusted with communicating the truth.

Ref the college thing; could it be she wanted or would like an alternative opinion on her future. Please don’t take it personally when I ask: could you do more to support or help her on this?

I’ve no direct experience of this as a parent, but as with snotrag and ernie I was in a similar position to Lilly. My Dad was also a git and never really had time for me, which was sad but also OK as I didn’t really have time for him. I did see him regularly at weekends but only because he still lived in the town where I grew up so I pretty much used him as a B&B. In hindsight not very nice but I wanted to see my mates, not my dad.

Sounds to me like you are making every effort and doing the right things. Just sit tight and wait for her to come back to you, don’t force it. It might take a few years for her to appreciate you but she will get there. Just do what you can to gently remind her that you are there for her, and make the most of the time you do get to spend with her.

It’s a shame for your other daughter, but I don’t think she’s getting a very different experience to any other younger sibling out there!

To be honest mate, most of what you describe is my experience with my 15yr old daughter and she lives with me and her mum in the same house!

At least once a week I am told, or feel, like I am a crap dad. She doesn’t really seem to like me, doesn’t like hanging out with me. She is occasionally lovely but that is usually linked to needing money or a lift. This is despite us being inseparable for the first 12 years or so of her life, if she was poorly she would cry for me, all she wanted to do was hang out with me. Then she became a teenager and it all changed.

It doesn’t sound like you are doing anything wrong, you are just dealing with a teenager. Obviously in your position everything is that much harder but don’t go beating yourself up (you have a teenage daughter to do that for you)

As a part time dad I feel for you OP. My daughter is only 12 and already it feels like we are drifting apart as she’s becoming an independent human being. I am dreading when she’s 15. Good luck to you.

Never been a part time dad, but have been a dad to teenagers – and teenage girls especially are just difficult to understand! Get used to being ditched for friends at short notice and being expected to be available at the drop of a hat when some crisis has emerged! I imagine they will quickly learn to manipulate part time dads even more!

I would say part of the problem is communicating via the ex though. That lets her mis interpret your actions and if eg. you ruined her plans because she became mum’s taxi that will come across. Talking direct to your daughter will help avoid that and talking (rather than texting) help pick up the nuance if she’s genuinely not liking your response. I think in fairness to your ex though – its sometimes perceived that the “other parent” just sweeps in for the good bits and they are left with all the crap to do (the taxiing, the making them do chores etc).

Oh, and if granny is the toxic one, she may be the one who’s turned a simple “who’s taking Lily to the college” question into “why’s he not doing his part”. Especially if a rearrangement of plans resulted in granny being disadvantaged.

Final thought. “We have a child of our own, who is nearly 5.” Don’t use that phrase around your eldest daughter (or her mother). They’ll misinterpret it.

was in a similar position to Lilly. My Dad was also a git and never really had time for me, 

Ouch. Did you mean to write that, or an I reading it slightly wrong?
Judging by the rest of your post I’m reading it wrong.

🙂

It’s not because you’re a part time dad, it’s because she’s 15. Plenty of happily married friends of ours have had huge issues around that age, we have been lucky so far.

All I’d say is that your eldest is part of your family in the same way your youngest is. And for the time being go with whatever you are asked to do in terms of timings and running round after her, while you try and rebuild bridges

Thanks SDW, you have all made me feel a whole lot better. Sometimes its easy to lose sight of the facts of life (IE its a teenager being a teenager).

I take onboard all the info and advice. I am starting to call her more, rather than txt. As @poly points out, you can pick up on a vibe over the phone.

I do try and communicate as little as possible with the ex, but a few times recently i have arranged to see Lilly, directly with Lilly, only to find out the ex had something planned, so i try and give the common courtesy of keeping her in the loop.

And thank you @snotrag your final sentence brought a tear to my eye, as its so true.

So once again, thanks all. its very much appreciated.

My kids all live(d) with me and their mum, and this is part of being a teenager. I found that seizing opportunities to do things together, whether you feel like it or not or had other plans became increasingly essential if I wanted to spend time with them – they often ‘don’t feel like it’ or ‘have other plans’ so taking the chance when it happens naturally is a good tactic (more difficult when they don’t live with you I know).

I also found that setting up a messenger/snapchat or similar chat helped – my youngest who is still at home often uses our chat to talk to his elder siblings, so that might help with yours as well. I often just share something funny etc, and my kids do that (as well as ask for help!).

It can be tough – good luck and I am sure you are doing the best you can, just like the rest of us.

I have 2 daughters both in the 20’s now. Teenage years were tough with them both. Tears, tantrums, walk outs, groundings. Hormones, boys, alcohol, school. My heart rate is rising just recalling the those years.

Now all the clichés – Kids don’t come with manual each one of them has to find their own path. Give them roots and wings. A safe space to come home to when they need it and freedom to find their own path in this mixed up world.

What I can say is I now have a far better relationship with my girls than I ever would have dreamed possible after some of the teenage arguments we had. Yes its normally when they need some diy doing or theirs cars are making a ‘funny sound’, but that what I’m here for. 🙂

And I laughed at the collage thing as I drove one of my daughters HUNDREDS of miles to university open days for her then to turn round after the 3rd such trip and say she didn’t think uni was for her and wasn’t going to apply! ARRRRGGGGG

My sister’s got two kids.
The one goes to the same uni at which she teaches, is on the same course which will likely lead to the same career. He comes home every weekend.
The other plans to go to the nearest uni to home so she can stay living at home.
Once graduated, they plan to buy a piece of land with a house and outbuildings so they can all live together.
I’d say what you’re doing sounds pretty healthy and normal!
Edited to say: I’m not trying to minimise your concerns. Just sounds like you are doing a good job in not the easiest circumstances.

Ouch. Did you mean to write that, or an I reading it slightly wrong?
Judging by the rest of your post I’m reading it wrong.

Oof, sorry no – I absolutely did not mean to write it in that way. I meant that, similar to ernie, my Dad didn’t really have time for me. Seems to me that the OP is doing all he can and has plenty of time for Lilly. Apologies for the poorly written post!

I do try and communicate as little as possible with the ex, but a few times recently i have arranged to see Lilly, directly with Lilly, only to find out the ex had something planned, so i try and give the common courtesy of keeping her in the loop.

Could a WhatsApp group be handy for this? That way you can make sure that everybody is in the loop and there is less room for mis-interpretation.

One of the take homes for me on this is I cannot wait for my 8yr and 10yr old girls to hit the teen years. Oh the fun that awaits me…

Dont sweat it. Your her Dad, she loves you. It’ll be fine.

Love this.

(Divorced mum of teenage daughter, child of divorced parents…)

I’d add that you should make communication as regular as possible. Not a daily annoyance, but a reliable and regular thing, where you make the time to talk with her regardless of whether anything interesting is happening or whatever else is going on. Make the time, ask easy questions, listen to the answers without judgement. Just show up and show you’re interested.

I know my daughter can find it awkward at her dad’s when it comes to stuff like periods and body things. Be cool and unstuffy. Ask her if she needs anything, talk openly and don’t look embarrassed. Do you know if she uses eco-friendly washable period pants, or disposable sanitary stuff? No? Find out so you know if you should be offering to do laundry, or empty her bin. Tell her you want her to be comfortable at your house, send her a link to a website and get her to choose what linen or towels she’d like to have at your house (hint: it might not be white sheets or pale colours).

I think you should also make it clear she’s invited, rather than just assuming she knows the door is open. ‘I’d love to just have you around the house, would you like to bring a friend over for a sleepover?’, ‘your sister has been asking after you, maybe we could show her that place you liked when you were her age’, or whatever. Suggest maybe you go shopping and get her some clothes to keep at your house so she doesn’t have to lug things back and forth. I hate shopping with all my soul, but a trip round the shops with lunch out is guaranteed to make my teenage daughter happy! Make her feel wanted because you’re interested in her and care, rather than because it’s ‘your turn’ to have your quota of days.

OP – I have often thought about writing an almost identical post on here a number of times.

Im in exactly the same boat. Daughter is 14. It use to be that we saw each other every Tues and Friday and every other weekend. But then came hormones, mates and boys. We sort of see each other every week (ish) BUT the gaps are getting bigger and sometimes have a two week gap, which is getting more and more common.

It’s really hard letting them go, but its 100% natural and would probably be a bit weird if they didn’t want to hang around with mates rather than parents.

I have a good relationship with her mum but ALL communication is direct with my daughter. Keep it that way and you can avoid mixed messages. If she is really busy try and just meet up for a meal rather than her come over to your house. We started doing this and it takes a lot of pressure off her. The last thing you want is your daughter coming to visit out of guilt and thus starting to resent you.

Finally, the fact she is in a hump with you over the collage thing is because she obviously really cares. Ive never met you but i can say with utter confidence that she loves you to bits.

Whatever you do, keep communicating with her. Using a mobile as a means of voice communication is a novel concept to some kids so don’t be offended if she doesn’t answer or screens her calls. Have you got a Whatsapp group for the 3 of you? Prevents things being misinterpreted/misrepresented.

I’ve got a daughter of that age and yes, they do get distant and want their own space and quite often aren’t that rational about decision-making and indeed are probably self-aware of this. All you can do is let her know you are there for her and want to spend time with her. The advice about seizing opportunities is bang on.

Divorced parents here too, and my git father (common theme eh) had the good grace to drive me to one of my four uni open days, down to Bristol from Derbyshire and back.

He still brings it up ocassionally now, to remind me what a massive and glorious favour he did me – the last time he mentioned it was a few months ago. The actual visit was twenty one ****ing years ago. Bellend.

(sorry, I’m just venting – no judgement to anyone else implied!)

Similar position here too.

My girls are 14 and 17 so don’t want to spend their time hanging out with dad

What we have done though is change the nature of the time we spend together. So in the past theyd come over and stay for the weekend, now we’ll maybe go out and do something in the afternoon before they go out with their mates in the evening. Or meet after work midweek

So maybe we’ll go bowling, or watch a film, then go out for something to eat. Or maybe around the galleries in Manchester

I’ve just got us tickets for us to go and see Greta Van Fleet gig as we all love music

To be honest with you, its working out great. I still see them every week and when we do we’re out doing stuff so we have a really good laugh.

Just make sure you tell them you love them all the time. As long as they know they’re loved and supported everything tends to work out fine

Like people have said: don’t sweat it. It’s just a natural transition

One of the take homes for me on this is I cannot wait for my 8yr and 10yr old girls to hit the teen years. Oh the fun that awaits me…

Every single day is a fun day with teenage girls in the house. (I’ve got 2, soon to be 3 teenage girls at home).

Dont sweat it. Your her Dad, she loves you. It’ll be fine.

Good advice, and I often have to remind myself of this, normally after unleashing my own bad temperedness, normally in the wrong direction. I hope they know it as well!

Teenagers can be right little ******** (insert any swear word). I’ve an 18 year old girl that’s fine, if stubborn, but the 21 year old ‘teen’ is a right barsteward at the moment.

Literally treats us like dirt (as full time parents) and won’t do anything you ask. Leaves food and wrappers in his room (it’s like filthy homes), won’t even wash – we’re lucky if we throw him in the shower once a week. And he’s currently expecting us to run him to work 10 miles away, and is all shooty when we ask him to get up for work.. I’ll be glad when he leaves (which at current rate won’t be ever).

So don’t feel too bad, they aren’t great creatures.

So don’t feel too bad, they aren’t great creatures.

This made me smile. I was a right **** as a teenager. I still find myself feeling the need to apologise for my behaviour at 50

This made me smile. I was a right **** as a teenager. I still find myself feeling the need to apologise for my behaviour at 50

Oh god yeah!

The thing I still find uncomfortable when visiting my dad, years and years after he left, is that I rarely visit ‘him’, I visit his family which I’m not really a part of.

Possibly bear this in mind with Lily – is she visiting her dad, or her dad’s new family? When she’s there, is your younger child the one that gets the most attention/things get planned around? That might affect the way she feels.

Be the taxi, be the punchbag. Show her that she is as important as your new family.

You’re her dad, and you’re doing a sound job. They don’t thank you for it, but they do (grudgingly) know it deep down. Just persevere and expect relationships to change as they grow up. It’s when those relationships DON’T change that you get problems. I actually rather like my two (now adult) offspring. If I could get them off the payroll, I’d like them even more 😀

When things go pear-shaped, who they gonna call? And they do call. Trust me.

All of the above it’s just kids.
I would just disappear on Friday and turn up Monday morning grabbing my stuff for work. Pre mobiles God knows what my parents thougt mostly glad to have me out the house I assume.
Just be there when needed and you will be

hey everyone, sorry for the delay in reply.

I would like to thank everyone for their experiences and input, it has really helped.

I spoke to Lilly and cleared the air. So a big relief and i am taking on board the suggestions shared, so hopefully things will run a bit smoother.

It will never be easy, but i can but try!

cheers all.

The fact that you want to work to improve things shows that you are already doing the most important thing right – caring. The rest is just details.

Loads of great replies above. I’m in a similar situation albeit with a 4 year old. My one thing to add is that you’ll never be a part time dad, you are both full time separated parents.

Just keep trying…. it’ll come through.

I haven’t seen or heard from my 2 sons (19 & 17) for over 3 years now. Toxic ex and ex-MiL. I still try. Sadly anything I do is misconstrued, but I still try.

Not much more you can do.

@mrjmt – a good point. Cheers buddy.

@mikertroid – sorry to hear that, it cant be easy. The toxic MiL is one of the worst creatures in existence! As you say, keep on keeping on.

Cheers @v7fmp. It has taken me to some very dark places, however I think I’m on the other side now.

Hopefully you’ll not get treated in the same way.

I won’t go into my sob-story, as it’ll be an essay and it’s not about me here, but these issues are surprisingly common and I understand teenage girls can be very challenging, so don’t be hard on yourself.