Been asked to make a 'donation' for a lesbian couple I know.

Home Forum Chat Forum Been asked to make a 'donation' for a lesbian couple I know.

Viewing 34 posts - 41 through 74 (of 74 total)
  • Been asked to make a 'donation' for a lesbian couple I know.
  • Premier Icon mikewsmith
    Subscriber

    Some friends here did it via a Clinic, everything vetted, basic info about the donor and no come back to the donor down the line.
    How not to do it.

    Kids need mothers and fathers

    Kids need parents.

    Kids dont need mothers and fathers what a load of rubbish. I effectively didnt have a father. Kids need love and care. Having said that i would say no in this case.

    Premier Icon jerseychaz
    Subscriber

    FWIW have a look at yesterdays Guardian Magazine – insightful piece by Yottam Ottolenghi (the Chef) on the issues he and his partner had! HTH

    andyl
    Member

    Going through an agency will will probably cost money etc but so would setting up any contracts etc and as pointed out they won’t stand up in court.

    Then you have to ask yourself the moral questions of are you happy for them to bring up your child etc – I am assuming having got this far you think they would make good parents.

    I’d do it, but only if I was covered for the future. Yes the kid will be 50% yours but everyone on in the world has 99.9….% the same DNA (I have no idea what the real figure is) so the difference between yours and a kid next door is tiny really (except in the eyes of the law) and what makes a parent is the parenting side in my eyes and it doesnt matter if the kid is yours or adopted, it is the parenting that really matters.

    Make sure you can handle it, you are happy with it and you are covered legally.

    On a lighter note…i think you should get to live out a lesbian threesome fantasy as payment 😀

    geetee1972
    Member

    Kids dont need mothers and fathers what a load of rubbish. I effectively didnt have a father. Kids need love and care. Having said that i would say no in this case.

    Unfortunately the data doesn’t support your argument. All the studies consistently shows that kids do better (by various measures) when brought up in stable family unit, I.e. with both parents present. You can’t argue with the data but you can claim that your own experience isn’t consistent with the data and that might well be true.

    Was your upbringing made better by, worse by or no different as a result of not effectively having a father?

    There’s no answer is there because you’ve got nothing to compare it to, but I bet given a choice you would still have chosen a present, loving and actively involved father?

    There are many threads on here where fathers bemoan their lack of access, their lack of rights with their kids after they separate from their partner. Fathers are discriminated against in so many ways when it comes to being fathers and it makes me angry. If you’re going to donate your sperm and then not take an active involvement in your child’s upbringing then in my view you’re simply undermining and further marginalising the importance of fathers in kids lives.

    Your call but don’t be surprised if you’re harshly judged for your decision.

    My sister in law is one of the leading fertility lawyers in the uk and she specialises in this sort of thing. If you send me an email I can send you her contact details and she can explain all that you need to know.

    Geetee care to share.the data and explain how all the other socio economic factors were.accounted for? The post also said “need” not ideally would have so the statement was clearly bollocks.

    geetee1972
    Member

    Anagallis you’re a grown up do your own research. The studies are numerous and are regularly referenced by many agencies including politicians on both sides of the house. It’s really not a point for debate. There are other debates such as what does the data imply from a policy perspective, is there legislation we can pass to make things better, should governments be doing that at all?

    But the question of whether kids do better in households with both parents present is unequivocal.

    geetee1972
    Member

    However that said a quick scan does suggest that the gender of the parents has no bearing on the rearing of children. Two parents are generally better than one but two same sex couples tend to as good as heterosexual couples at the job.

    That said, I’m still deeply uncomfortable with either role being marginalised, father or mother though generally its the role of fathers that is so affected.

    Junkyard
    Member

    Anagallis you’re a grown up do your own research.

    If you make a claim about the research is is on you to back up your claims. patronising someone for a reasonable and legitimate question is an odd approach – if only scientists would do this 😕

    It’s really not a point for debate.

    But the question of whether kids do better in households with both parents present is unequivocal.

    One loving parent v two drug addicted prostitutes – nor room for debate? Unequivocal??

    Your broad point has some merits, despite you overstating it and refusing to substantiate it but A_A makes a reasonable point that other factors may also be a factor in deciding what is good- you can do your own research 😉
    it is quite possible that those parents who divorce [ on average not all of them] were the worst parents anyway and their is no way to control for this in research.

    FWIW the last time i looked it showed that same sex couples did as well as divorced couple but not as well as married couple- its fun saying things about research without citing it isn’t it ?
    It will be interesting to see what the data will show for divorced same sex couples and children now they can marry.

    Its also worth noting that it would be somewhat difficult to find a causal mechanism in the marriage vows or ceremony that somehow transforms people into better parents so it seems other factors should also be included rather than just marriage per se.

    Unfortunately the data doesn’t support your argument. All the studies consistently shows that kids do better (by various measures) when brought up in stable family unit, I.e. with both parents present. You can’t argue with the data but you can claim that your own experience isn’t consistent with the data and that might well be true.

    This entirely fails to support your argument: both parents. Not mother and father.

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Subscriber

    Your call but don’t be surprised if you’re harshly judged for your decision.

    On the upside, judgemental bigots are a minority.

    Geetee, your argument almost makes sense but, you have some built in assumptions which are false

    when brought up in stable family unit, I.e. with both parents present

    For example.

    hora
    Member

    This donation, can you chose where/how?

    (Facial?)

    gordimhor
    Member

    No easy answer to this . I would have to think about a theoretical issue. If the person in question was straight would I consider her as a potential wife/partner. As a father of a child you would be taking on a lot of the big issues you can expect to face in a marriage. If you wouldn’t consider her as a potential wife then how would the relationship as donor/father work?
    Good luck whatever you decide.

    So Geetee in summary a quick scan does indeed suggest your wrong?

    dan1980
    Member

    FunkyDunc – Member
    …. I think they should adopt or accept 2 women cant make a baby.

    So long as they’re happy to have girls, that’s technically not true.

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/1431489.stm

    OP never, ever, leave yourself open to the CSA. However unlikely you think it is they could ever get involved don’t risk it. Speak to anyone who has ever had the misfortune to have dealt with them, from whatever side (absent parent or parent with care) and they will confirm this. Nasty organization staffed by nasty people. The powers they have to make your life a misery are unbelievable.

    For example a friend (genuineley not me I’d prefer to keep my story of dealing with them private) who’s maintenance is always paid direct from his wages worked for a company that went into receivership. On his last pay packet the deduction was made as usual but it would seem the CSA never recieved the payment from the firms administrators. As it would be easier to harass him than them the CSA went after him to pay again – the money had already been deducted from his wages remember- as he was now unemployed and couldn’t pay they confiscated his driving license! They are above the law and fully able to do things like this there is nothing you can do about it. He worked as a carpenter, needed his van too look for work and worse still was no longer able to drive over and collect his daughter for their usual visits. He has an excellent relationship with his ex partner and she was equally astounded by what happened but there was nothing either of them could do to get the decision overturned until the £200 “debt” was paid. IIRC she lent him the money in the end as neither of them wanted the daughter to have an out of work Dad who couldn’t get over to see her.

    Premier Icon totalshell
    Subscriber

    NO NO NO much as though its a nice thing to do, resentments etc will build and the financials will never go away say one or both lesbians decides on a lifestyle change and have new partners maybe a man even.. how do you know they ll still honour your original agreement the truth is keep them as friends dont be a father to either of thems kids. emptionally and finacially it ll cost A LOT

    Premier Icon totalshell
    Subscriber

    NO NO NO much as though its a nice thing to do, resentments etc will build and the financials will never go away say one or both lesbians decides on a lifestyle change and have new partners maybe a man even.. how do you know they ll still honour your original agreement the truth is keep them as friends dont be a father to either of thems kids. emptionally and finacially it ll cost A LOT

    hora
    Member

    Thats a good point. Keep them as friends.

    Premier Icon BillOddie
    Subscriber

    My Sister in Law’s Sister (that make sense?) is a lesbian and is going to be inseminated by a gay friend of theres.

    Not sure I agree with it to be honest, not least for the fact that her partner is unstable. It all seems very Jerry Springer to me.

    I’ll probably get flamed for this but the PC brigade have basically said that Fathers (or in the case of gay men, Mothers) are no longer needed.

    Surely a Child needs a Mother and a Father figure?

    Also what will happen when that kid gets to the playground and his classmates ask him about his parents. Kids can be incredibly cruel.

    Lesbians and gays have chosen their alternative lifestyle and if they want to do that then I don’t have an issue with it. The kid doesn’t get a say, he/she just gets to live with the consequences.

    samuri
    Member

    The kid doesn’t get a say, he/she just gets to live with the consequences.

    What consequences?

    Premier Icon BillOddie
    Subscriber

    What consequences?

    Bullying and general mindfuckery.

    natrix
    Member

    a jam-jar full of his finest seed

    Holy cr*p dude!! A FULL JAM JAR!! I must be doing something wrong………..

    samuri
    Member

    I’m not convinced myself. I grew up with someone who was brought up by lesbians. He didn’t seem to suffer too badly and is certainly a well rounded individual now.

    I might have missed something though because while I was brought up by straight parents, their poor genetic code which gave me a warped brain, dodgy teeth and terrible eyes, ensured I was a bully-magnet throughout most of my school life.

    Now they should have thought about having children.

    Premier Icon D0NK
    Subscriber

    Holy cr*p dude!! A FULL JAM JAR!! I must be doing something wrong………..

    you’ve not got a special jar in the freezer? There was a thread about this prehack, since then I’ve been saving up just incase I do get some lesbian friends at some point and they wanted me to donate. Nearly full now.

    I might have missed something though because while I was brought up by straight parents……Now they should have thought about having children.

    Ditto

    Junkyard
    Member

    the PC brigade

    people keep saying this on this thread youall seem so disappointed no one has frothed beyond those who keep expecting them.
    Some have questioned the idea that all parents are brilliant just because they can reproduce.

    Surely a Child needs a Mother and a Father figure?

    No though it may be the preferred option

    Also what will happen when that kid gets to the playground and his classmates ask him about his parents. Kids can be incredibly cruel.

    How about we educate kids not to be cruel and not to be bullies?
    I know how do I come up with such crazy ideas

    Lesbians and gays have chosen their alternative lifestyle

    Alternative to what – have you chosen to be”normal” and straight or did nature just make you like that – do you think you could make your self fancy men if you just tried hard enough?

    and if they want to do that then I don’t have an issue with it.

    Bless you and your tolerance – its shining through this post like a beacon

    The kid doesn’t get a say, he/she just gets to live with the consequences.

    Its quite hard to ask a foetus for its opinion but if i was to guess i would guess at it choosing life …perhaps it wont be as “troubled” by the “alternative” lifestyle as you are?

    project
    Member

    Lesbians and gays have chosen their alternative lifestyle and if they want to do that then I don’t have an issue with it. The kid doesn’t get a say, he/she just gets to live with the consequences.

    And im sure they thankyou for your stupid comment as well as most reasonable people on here do.

    Being gay or lesbian is not a lifestyle choice, although parts of the media and advertising do make it apear so,being gay or lesbian nowadays is living or sharing your life with a same sex partner, with laws that help to protect that lifestyle, where gays and lesbiabns are allowed to show their sexuality, just like hetro sexuals are, where gay adoption is acceptable and legal unless youre a catholic christian.

    As for the kid,he grows up with kids his own age, kids who also have parents, and its from some of these stupid bigoted parents that the stupid and cruel comments come from and are repeated by the kids.

    Its all about education and training, not what the church or some bigot says is correct.

    tonyd
    Member

    OP – tough decision and not one I’d want to have to make. Personally I think I’d say no. When I was young and single I’d have seriously considered it and probably said yes as it seems like a noble thing to do, however now I have kids of my own it would be a definite no.

    I don’t think I could comprehend not seeing them every day and taking a back seat in their development. It’s cliched I know, but they really do change your life and to be permanently apart from them would be unbearable IMO.

    Premier Icon D0NK
    Subscriber

    I don’t think I could comprehend not seeing them every day and taking a back seat in their development.

    hmm, interesting side subject here.

    Couples plan to have children and there’s obviously a very strong emotional bond there.

    Other people “accidentally” conceive, there the parents have a moral obligation whether they have any emotional attachment or not.

    This is a bit different. If you donated blood or an organ to a stranger would you be taking a keen interest in the rest of their life? After all biologically you are a part of them…

    Presumably plenty of “official” anonymous donors have unknown kids out there, do they sit awake at night wondering/worrying about how their kids are being brought up? is there a way of looking at this dispassionately? Should it be viewed dispassionately? Conceiving is just a couple of cells banging into each other, being a parent is a lot more than that and arguably something completely different.

    tonyd
    Member

    I understand your point D0nk, and agree that everyone is different which is why only the OP can really answer his own question. We planned our kids and dote on them, however until they were born I didn’t realise how overwhelming the desire to spend time with them and help to nurture them would be.

    Perhaps if I’d been ‘donating’ things would be different, and if I’d agreed to it I would only have done so assuming I could stay unattached, however knowing what I know now I think my feelings would have changed which would have complicated things and ultimately caused me a lot of pain.

    Edit to add: Also the anonymous donor could no doubt be completely dispassionate, however the OP is talking about good friends so he would be anything but anonymous.

    Surely a Child needs a Mother and a Father figure?

    apparently not according geetee’s quick google

Viewing 34 posts - 41 through 74 (of 74 total)

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