Being quite a personal subject for all involved I’ve made an alternative alias to my usual STW ID but know from the past that STW is as good a place as any to ask for some experiences, knowledge or opinions in just about any subject, so in addition to asking for advice from the more usual places; here I am!

I’ve known a lesbian couple for some time now, one of whom I’ve known since university and would consider her one of my closest friends (although I haven’t seen too much of her for a few years). Their relationship has been serious for some time and they both want kids and basically they’ve ask me to be the sperm donor.

Some background – It won’t be for at least a year, maybe more until they’re both confident in their careers and are more financially stable (They’re not far off this). We’re over 100miles away from each other. They’re mid 20’s. I’m late 20’s, no kids, pretty much eternally single (ha!), fairly financially stable but by no means well off. Have 6 nieces and nephews who I love dearly.

They’ve said there’s no pressure on me to say yes, lots of different avenues to go if I say no and if I do say yes they want to make it as professional as possible, contracts about future involvement and so on. They want me to be involved in the upbringing and I want to be involved but not sure yet to what extent.

I’m honored of everyone they know (well about half of them) they’ve asked me but don’t know what to do. Being the type of person I am and close to them I instantly thought yes but this was closely followed by no, due the realization of the commitment involved.

I want to have kids someday but not until I’m more settled, with someone but I don’t want to be too old and will that day ever come? With this I could have a child with a couple I care about and who I can’t split from (even though they could obviously split from each other). Will the thought of being a secondary parent (if that) to them destroy me knowing they’re raising a child who’s part me, even though I agreed to it (my sis reckons this). Will the fact that I have a child put off a future partner?

Urgh – don’t know

I’m defiantly erring towards no, as it’s the most logical, safest option but it defiantly not set in stone.

Over to you!

As long as the legal/financial side of things is sorted I’d say yes, but it does mean masturbating in the next room to your mate!

You’ll always be financially responsible, should the parents wish you to be, regardless of any agreements drawn up.

Personally I wouldn’t do it, unless of course you donate in the traditional sense. All of you. 😀

Its not really my place to offer advice yes or no – this is a decision only you can make,

Couple of things spring to mind to consider though. Firstly, at some point it is likely the child will want to know who their father is. Could you deal with this / would you want to deal with this?

Secondly, if you do decide to offer up some of your finest lust milk get a contract in place that details what is expected of you financially and emotionally in the future (i.e nothing). Recent story in the news where a guy did offer up and is now being stung for child support etc as there is no contract in place to the contrary. Take as much legal advice as you need and get the couple in question to pay for it.

Finally, think long and hard about it. Have you considered their motives for a child – do they really want one or is it because its the ‘trendy’ thing to do, can they cope do you think both emotional / financially etc. Do not rush a yes decision.

“but it does mean masturbating in the next room to your mate! “

I think you have to be selfish about this and think only about you, the impact on you short and long term. It could become very complex very quickly and long term the potential for things to go wrong for you, in terms of your involvement, future relationships, your decision to have your ‘own’ kids with your partner etc. on top of that there is the potential for psychological issues for you, them and maybe the child ( unlikely).

Likewise I’d be very flattered and overwhelmed and the thought of ‘gifting’ someone something like that would be incredible, but personally it is not the sort of complication I would want in my life.

Good luck with your decision, whatever it may be.

Are they in a civil partnership?

If not, then three words: Child Support Agency

If you don’t go via a recognised agency, then you could find yourself paying for the next eighteen years! (and forget contracts, the CSA/CMEC law is clear, your only protection is a licensed agency or their civil partnership)

Check any CSA issues, even if they’re not likely to do it you never know whether DWP or the like could involve them if there was a benefit claim.

I thought you were liable if they come after you for maintenance whether your jizz gets there from you or a pippet ?

2 logins ban him

*skip to the end*

You are Binners, and I claim my £5.

I got asked once I said they had to collect it themselves

On the one hand it is an act of kindness on another it is abandoning a child that is yours
If you maintain contact with them what happens if they start doing things you dont approve off with the child [ a roadie for example 😉 ]or what happens when the child asks you for advice about finding its father or has known you all its life and does not know you are their dad etc

Bit of a minefield IMHO unless you donate and then do one – could you do this as in never see your friends or the child?
Its a no from me personally and anonymity is a better option IMHO

never see your friends or the child?

^^This^^

Anonymous or fully involved. Never the twain shall meet, IMHO.

As Junkster sort of says, effectively you have not been asked to ‘give a donation’, but to become a father and then basically give up any involvement with your child.

Nice of them to ask you, but they nay have asked a few others, why dont they adopt,also i always think the donation is better coming from a gay man, as they dont have the added problem of the girl freind/ wife either being told or finding out and not liking the idea later in life.

Tread very carefully

Since contracts can’t overrule statute, no contract you sign will get you out of legal parental responsibilities eg CSA etc if they split up and end up on benefits.

I have a Lesbian friend who bought sperm from a sperm bank, all above board, regulated etc. She now has a lovely daughter and is happy as anything.

From the HFEA website:

What are the risks of using donated sperm?

If you use donated sperm from a registered donor at an HFEA licensed clinic, the risks are minimal because:

donors who give sperm through a licensed clinic must answer a series of questions designed to ensure that they are suitable
licensed clinics check donors’ family histories for inherited diseases
all donors go through stringent screening checks to ensure they are not carrying infections, such as HIV, Hepatitis B and C, cytomegalovirus(CMV), syphilis and gonorrhoea. Donated sperm is quarantined for six months whilst the donor is being screened
there are limits on the numbers of families created by each donor where sperm are used to treat you at a licensed clinic.
Back to top

Legal considerations

Any child born from sperm donated through a clinic is the legal child of you and your partner, if you have one. The donor has no legal rights or responsibility for the child.

Since April 2005, identifying information about donors is held on the HFEA Register and may be given to any child born from a donation once they are 18 years old.

For more information on donation, and donating, see:

For donors
For the donor conceived and their parents
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Obtaining sperm via the web

There are an increasing number of websites which offer services which match women with sperm donors. Donors and recipients may then meet and arrange insemination privately, without attending a clinic. If you are considering using these services it is important to bear in mind the very real risks and consequences of obtaining sperm in this way.

The safest and most reliable way of obtaining sperm from a donor is via a clinic that is licensed, inspected and regulated by the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA). The Authority is the UK’s independent regulator of treatment using eggs, sperm and embryos.

Licensed clinics must meet standards set by the Authority (outlined in the HFEA Code of Practice) and they must supply information about treatments, patients, donors, gametes (sperm and eggs) and children conceived which is kept on the HFEA’s Register.

If you obtain sperm from a web-based service, you may be putting yourself at serious risk. It’s worth bearing the following points in mind:

If you have treatment outside a licensed clinic the legal situation regarding who the second parent of the child will be is complicated. For example:

– The donor may be the legal father of any child born. The law says a man donating sperm through an HFEA-licensed clinic is not the legal father of any child born through that donation (this includes cases where the donor is known to the recipient). However, when donation occurs outside a licensed clinic, this guarantee does not exist.

– In cases where a female couple, who are not civil partners, have treatment outside a licensed clinic, the law does not recognise the female partner as the second parent
There is a risk that the sperm may not come from the person whose picture or details you saw on the website.
The donor may not have been properly screened before donating. This means that there is a risk that sexually transmitted infections, including HIV may be passed on to you, and that serious inherited medical conditions may be passed on to your child.
The children who are born following unlicensed donation will not have an official way of finding out their genetic origins, as the HFEA will not hold information about their donor on its Register.
If the donor receives payments above the amounts permitted by the Authority, then licensed clinics may not be able to provide treatment with sperm from that donor at a later date.
Our advice is simple. Only use a licensed clinic. That way, you can be assured that all the quality checks and legal requirements have been met.

Note as others have said its the if they’re in Civil Partnership that determines who the second parent is if the donation is private.

Worth having a read through the site in general – Link

I say yes. How often does this kind of opportunity come up? As above, get all your ducks lined up first though.

My cousin is a lesbian and together with her partner they asked their gay next-door neighbour for a donation. I’m not sure what sort of agreement they had in place prior to the event, but he also contributed again about 2 years later. I now have a delightful niece and nephew who seem very well adjusted and balanced. They see their dad relatively frequently. The only issue I know about is his mother wanting more contact than the mothers are keen on.

The first fertilisation was via him coming to the back door with a jam-jar full of his finest seed, the second was done in a slightly more medically approved manner!

That might be another thing to consider – how would your parents react to having a grandchild that the mothers may not be particularly enthusiastic for them to have much contact with?

Cheers, Rich

I have to say that the above reaction from the hip cool happening members of STW is provoking a bit of a giggle.

I suspect that of the fathers among the commentators, not one of you, not a single solitary one of you, gave the same amount of thought to the moment you impregnated someone…

what will the delivery method be?

I suspect that of the fathers among the commentators, not one of you, not a single solitary one of you, gave the same amount of thought to the moment you impregnated someone…

Your powers of prediction is as poor as your attempt to provoke a reaction is obvious

I suspect that of the fathers among the commentators, not one of you, not a single solitary one of you, gave the same amount of thought to the moment you impregnated someone…

My wife and I have discussed it near enough every other day for the past year. We are still no closer to making a decision on whether to have children or not. The biggest decision we will ever make, shouldn’t be taken lightly under any circumstance.

Your powers of prediction is as poor as your attempt to provoke a reaction is obvious

I think you meant to say ‘Your powers of prediction are as poor’ and you misinterpret my post. However, I know you like arguing even though you are not very good at it, so if I can be of service, do let me know.

I suspect that of the fathers among the commentators, not one of you, not a single solitary one of you, gave the same amount of thought to the moment you impregnated someone…

All the more reason to learn from our mistakes!

Dont do it!

Link

I know you like arguing even though you are not very good at it, so if I can be of service, do let me know.

I think you meant to say debate 😉 and I have learnt that this is unlikely from you but I am sure you can provoke someone else enough with your “insightful” comments [ they are amusing and well crafted if somewhat obvious FWIW ]

First reaction reading the first post?

Ultimately the child will be yours. If you can’t honestly say that at this time in YOUR life that YOU want a child, then don’t do it.

Ultimately the child will be yours. If you can’t honestly say that at this time in YOUR life that YOU want a child, then don’t do it.

This. That is the essence of what they are asking of you.

I would suggest against donation.

We have some lesbotic friends who now have 3 kids, all from the same anonymous donor. (although interestingly enough they took it in turns to be pregnant so only 2 of the kids are siblings, one is technically a step-sibling).

Having sprogged twice, My view of kids is somewhat changed. I went into it 70% sold on the idea. The second I looked into my sons eyes I knew life was different. I would find it very very difficult to donate to any couple I knew and NOT get involved.

I disagree vehemently with some of the parenting approaches my best friends follow, but that is their choice and I respect that (not like they’re sharing drugs with the kids just that they are more authoritarian than we are). However if I knew the child was genetically related to me, then I would not be able to keep out of it, which would spell trouble in the future.

For this reason, I would suggest they seek anonymous donation. (From someone better looking :-p )

You would be the Father but you will never be the Dad. Pretty important distinction there which could be a good thing or not, depending on you. If you want kids yourself, that would be for the Dad side of thing.

I would go with your gut instinct on this, but be very, very careful.

Well done for even thinking about it though, would be great to be able to help mates out like that if you are sure about it.

lots of different avenues to go

You would be the Father but you will never be the Dad. Pretty important distinction there which could be a good thing or not, depending on you. If you want kids yourself, that would be for the Dad side of thing.

A lesbian couple of my acquaintance always refer to their donor as ‘the donor’.

As has been said above, tread very carefully – it’s not clear how much they’re asking you to get involved beyond donation, you need to weigh up how you will feel about a child that is genetically yours but who you may not have any involvement with, and there are the legal ramifications.

Anonymous donor might be best all round.

Sorry I wouldn’t. You’ll understand why later. You’ll want to be part of his/her life. Really regret those years. Resent maybe. I was asked once. At first I felt virile, honoured then thought about the mind-**** of not being a parent. My child brought up without me. Now I’ve had my own son it all clicks loudly into place.

If you get to the age of 45 and haven’t had your kids then consider the Lesbian approach.

Personally I would say no, I think they should adopt or accept 2 women cant make a baby.

Kids need mothers and fathers. Are you ready to be the father? Are you ready to accept the responsibility that goes with that? Are they ready to allow you to take that responsibility?

This is a person we’re talking about creating here and that person needs a dad just as much as it needs two mums.

I was asked by a very good friend if I would help her with a course of IVF. I was rather stunned, but agreed. Went through the whole thing, but sadly it failed. Cost to her was around £5000, cost, to me, nothing, although it was somewhat upsetting, having gone all the way through.
We’re still very good friends, and always will be.

The traceability issue is large. You will be liable for the child regardless of your contracts. But this same constraint will also stop any others they might ask. Maybe suggest the Monte Carlo method. Get allthe possible donors together, drink some vodka, hand out some blindfolds and off you go.

Kids need mothers and fathers

Careful, you’ll have the PC brigade on you in no time with comments like that!

David Crosby did.