So, partner of 8 years has announced she is not happy and wants to end the relationship. We talked about it and agreed to separate (well, when I say agreed, its probably 80/20 her decision although deep down I probably know its the right decision), the one thing that kills me is we have a 7 year old daughter who is the absolute apple of my eye and she will be devastated. We have not broke the news to her yet, and I was hoping with the current status of affairs that partner will not leave for a while yet, but its now looking like early June (she works in an estate agents and a suitable property has come up).
1) Dont know how to broach this with Daughter, any age appropriate advice?
2) We are trying to do this amicably and flexibly, really dont want to get solicitors involved (she used to work for a top divorce lawyer, which frightens me somewhat, but atm I am having daughter 3 times a week which I am Ok (in the circumstances) with. Is this the right approach or am I being naive? Do I need anything in writing?
3) Lonely – God I am going to be soo lonely and will miss my daughter terribly. She is only moving 1/2 mile away, I’m pretty sure (at the start at least) that I can come and visit anyday, I can text her, ring her etc at any point but none of it is the same as being with her…how to cope with this (I am finding this the most upsetting bit) ?
4) I figure the days I do not have her do all the boring stuff, shopping/housework etc and try and make the days she is with me as fun and enjoyable as possible – right approach?
Also just need some general advice on how to deal with this, mainly the 3/4 nights a week – how do other people tell their children, how does it work (if it does) in other peoples situations – is it 1 week at Mothers, 1 at Fathers, or 3 days with Mother, 3 with Father, or 2 weeks with Father 2 with Mother – what have people who have been through this awful situation found worked best for them and their children??

As much advice as possible please, devastated and crying my eyes out over this, although I knew things were not right, i thought we would be able to work through them and I am completely distraught that, it appears, we cannot 🙁

Can only offer sympathy, but lots of folk on here have got through this, and with their support and advice, you will too.

Remember, however hard the short term issues, it’s the long-term best interests of your daughter that the two of you need to focus on.

Have been through very similar a couple of years back. Sorry for you that it’s come to this. Has this come out of the blue or have you known it was pretty inevitable for a while? We talked (OK, shouted 🙁 ) about divorce for a few years before we plucked up the courage to do it. Very good decision, looking back.

1) Who knows? Our daughter was a similar age. Lots of reassurance that we both loved her more than anything, but though we were still friends we didn’t want to live with each other any more. It’s hard – my daughter toughs it out but I know at times she’s still sad about it.

2) We are remarkably amicable – I think it helps that we’re both happier apart! If you’re married, you don’t need a pair of lawyers to get adversarial, you can get by with one to sort the finances. Trust here is important. I could be described as naive, I just like to believe the best in people. Worked out well for us.

3) If you can, try not to focus on what might happen later. You’re still in the same house all the time, just make the most of that. I find that now, I make the most of my time on my own and equally so when I’m with her.

4) Yep, I work around when I have her, we have season passes to Longleat and Monkey World currently so weekends always have fun stuff. I would say the same when she’s with my ex; because we’re both happier there’s more motivation to do fun stuff rather than mooching around. IF possible, make sure the finances work so this is possible with both of you. I think a big imbalance of fun stuff would be detrimental.

In terms of days, we are flexible. There’s a standard (1 night in the week, 2 at weekend) but times and days are never fixed. It works unbelievably well, all 3 of us get prioritised. Holidays are pretty much “I want to go to Aus for a month, can I take Lili?” “Yep, that’ll be amazing for her!” and vice versa.

We have quite different house rules (she’s Catholic, vegan and authoritarian, I’m not!). That has been a bit of a challenge, but I think we’ve both agreed without discussing it that we’ll have our own rules and not to be too upset about the differences. This is easy now, think it might get difficult as our daughter gets older.

We do still have family days out sometimes, I think it’s healthy and reassures our daughter that whilst we don’t live in the same house her parents can still be good friends.

I’m sorry I have nothing to say that will help, but what you are going through sounds awful, and you have my sincere sympathies.

Best wishes. I hope you can work something out that suits you and your daughter as much as can be expected under the circumstances.

EDIT: What @RichPenny says seems pretty positive all things considered, so perhaps there’s a model to look forward to.

I couldn’t imagine not seeing my kids.
I truly feel for you.

I went through the court process twice to see my son.

That makes me even more inclined to say to you that it’s hugely important that you both put your little girl first. If you both do that much of the rest will fall into place.

Keep solicitors to the money side of things if at all humanly possible and keep them out of your daughters life unless you have absolutely no choice but to do otherwise. If you do need to check on your rights then you could always consult someone without letting your partner know so as not to seen combative. Of course she might be doing the same and it’s easy to get into an “arms race” before you know it without meaning to.

Go to bed every night knowing you did what was best for your daughter and it makes the harder days easier to live with in the future.

I’d also say this, as she got older she would pick up on the fact her parents shouldn’t really be together and might have ended up loathing you both.

By parting you are possibly already putting your daughter first, the both of you. I hope that makes sense?

I know I sound calm and reasoned by what I’ve said but not so many years back you would have received some different advice from me if asked. Now, I see both the errors I made and my ex made and the advice above is sound in my opinion.

Stay strong for your daughter my friend, it will get easier and you daughter can actually thrive if you and your partner do this right.

Genuine question.

Thankfully I’ll never be in this situation but why is it assumed by both parties in most cases that the daughter or any child not just in Op’s case is to be living with the mother? It is something I’ve never really understood.

What gives a mother the right to say this child is my “possession” and take with her if she wants to leave the family unit.

I separated from their mother when my daughter was a similar age.
I was nervous about telling her, but when we sat down and explained it she was very excited:-
“Does this mean we have TWO HOUSES NOW?”
😂😂😂

Access was very poor until legals involved.

Now I have residency and their mum sees them on a rock solid, never changing routine:- a full weekend, a split weekend, and time in the week too.

It’s always on iCal and they know exactly what and when is happening. Holidays always taken over “our” full weekend so they would only miss the week time contact.

Been working well for five years now. Oh. And they go to their mums every Christmas. Because she likes that and I can have a drink at my mother in laws and see them on boxing day.

I went through something similar, 15 year relationship ended. I didn’t take it well and really struggled for a bit. This site was a great help and really is the reason i’m still here.
Look through this, site was advised by someone on here i even emailed them and got some advice. http://terry.ukLink
Advice was keep it away from solicitors if you can but know your rights etc. Read all of it!

We told our son after a week or so, he didn’t believe us to start with and was very sad, has got over that though.
Advice from me is try not to get too tied up in money and wanting fair share. It wont be fair but be amicable for your child. Eventually they will work it out (in my case sone has told his mum she needs to be nicer to me, i thought we’d been ok so they spot things you might not).
Again you may be in for the long haul regarding moving house. I got offer accepted two weeks before lockdown, no chain and having pester solicitors and agents to move things forward. If your both sensible it good be a good move for your relationship with daughter and ex, others said same to me when my relationship ended i didn’t see it then but can see in small doses could be friends with her again and son gets happy dad back.
Good luck and post here for support, it may be a bunch of dicks at times but when people genually need help this place always steps up.

Had a similar thing when fadda jnr was about 6. Right from the start, the one thing that now ex-Mrs fadda and I agreed on was that it was not his problem, or his baggage to carry around, and I can confidently say that he’s never heard a bad thing about either of us, from the other one.

Slightly odd thing to say, but I’m proud of that, and he’s now a well adjusted, happy 14 y-o, who calls both houses “home” and increasingly decides for himself where he’s going to be each day/night.

Regarding the divorce, it wasn’t terrible, but wasn’t pleasant, and I probably took a bit of a financial hit on the basis of not wanting jnr to see his mum and dad in court fighting over anything.

I’d do it exactly the same way if I could go back again…

I went through this a couple of years ago, my two girls were 4 and 6 at the time.

I don’t think much of my ex, I’ll be honest, her behaviour is nothing but selfish and I’m not her biggest fan but for the sake of my children I can let it go, I don’t have to deal with it anymore and I’m so thankful of that. When it comes to telling your daughter be open with her, they realise more than you know and I’ve done nothing but be completely transparent with my girls and I find that really helps and I always check in with them about everything. Try and keep it amicable when it comes to your daughter, you both want what’s best for her at the end of the day so that shouldn’t change.

I only see my girls every other weekend but we chat every day on the phone. It was hard at first not seeing them but now it’s quite nice to have my own free time and the time I have with them is solely dedicated to them, so in way they get more from me when I see them now as I don’t have to go and cut the grass or DIY etc, it’s just their time. It’s hard but it can work.

I wish you all the best and don’t stress about being lonely, enjoy life for what you have. Do things that you want and you’ll start to find a new way. Keep talking to people and you will find a new way life soon. Happy to chat if you ever need to, just pm me.

Thankfully I’ll never be in this situation but why is it assumed by both parties in most cases that the daughter or any child not just in Op’s case is to be living with the mother? It is something I’ve never really understood.

Primary carer for the legal part but assumed convention for many. I’m under no illusions I’d be primary other than if there were very good reasons why my missus shouldn’t be but then things change and career wise who knows what could happen.

OP that sucks, if either of you are up for counselling then it’s worth a shot, it certainly worked for us and sorted our issues out. We had been together for a similar amount of time. Even if you can’t fix things then it could be good to have someone independent to mediate the process. Best of luck to you though, as others have posted its not all doom and gloom and could be a positive.

Many thanks for all the replies and the pms, really do appreciate the support and advice being offered, which I will try to take on board through the process.
I think I KNOW it will get better, its just getting to that point 🙁

Heard the same thing quite a few times from mates and people we work for and with, and its always the woman who dumps the bloke for for whatever reason.

Mate of mine,always did the best for his g/f, then she chucked him, and got a new bloke, and my mate said he got on better with the new bloke than he ever did with the G/f, cars , sport and pubs etc.

But its gong to be a roller coaster ride for all.