Awkward Parents…. How do you stand them?

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  • Awkward Parents…. How do you stand them?
  • Staying at my mother’s home at the moment. Lives on her own, 79 years old and 5ft nothing of attitude.

    She doesn’t listen to what other people say, just wants to talk about herself, talks over people, makes faces and snide comments… A combination of sarcasm, and having a go at her when she goes too “Daily Mail” makes life bearable for 24 hours tops. When we invite her for a couple of nights she always tries to stretch it further. I guess I love her, but I sure as hell don’t like her.

    So – help me…

    How bad are your parents?
    Will my kids be saying the same about me in 30 years?

    Embace her. It’s just the same with kids

    big_n_daft
    Member

    Will my kids be saying the same about me[b]putting me in a home[/b] in 30 years?

    FIFY 😉

    druidh
    Member

    Learn to live with it. I lost both parents in the last couple of years and really regret not seeing them more because I was “too busy” with other things.

    Druidh with hammer & nail in impactful collision

    brakes
    Member

    you owe your life to your parents no matter how much of a pain they can be.
    saying that, I have the benefit of having great parents, but I know some who are ****s.

    Yep… I’m going to carry on seeing her, and probably get back in touch with my dad…that’s not the issue…

    It’s how you do feedback to someone that they are not being much fun to be with… And make sure you don’t make the same mistake yourself…

    But also I’d love to hear other people’s war stories. 🙂

    djglover
    Member

    Awkward parents and now a guilt trip. It’s your lucky night dude

    aka_Gilo
    Member

    Once they’re gone you do miss them. Even if they weren’t the greatest parents.

    Speaking from personal experience…..

    druidh
    Member

    Serious point – is her hearing OK? Our next door neighbour has a terrible habit of “seemingly” not listening to you and talking over you but she’s a bit corned beef, so if you’re not looking directly at he, she can miss that you’re talking at all.

    As for “having a go” at her because she has different opinions, just put you side of the argument without getting all bad tempered. Maybe she likes the cut and thrust of debate. Better that than sitting silence with nothing to say, which is what lots folks would apparently prefer their parents to do. I use to have debates with my mum all the time. She’d have her viewpoint and I’d often just pay devils advocate just so she knew that some folk had a different one. Usually, we’d just agree to differ, but some of it would sink in 🙂

    I took it bad when my dad passed away suddenly.

    Recently my mum is a total pita (negative, racist, angry….). My view and reaction to this are now radically different to what it would have been before. Folks change massively as they age – they are still your folks though. The good thing is that we have an honest relationship and I tell her she is a pita. She tuts at me in return.

    It only really gets to me when it involves my missus or any of her grandkids – even then its time for a deep breath and a firm but fair word.

    With Druid – lost dad in 2009 and mum in June. No matter how annoying they can be you can only miss them. So grow up and appreciate them.

    Edit – back to the OP – I hope not, I hope you might listen to us that have lost our parents and understand why you should appreciate yours.

    Squidlord
    Member

    [longer post deleted]

    They **** you up, your mum and dad. / They may not mean to, but they do. / They fill you with the faults they had / And add some extra, just for you

    IanMunro
    Member

    An alternative viewpoint is that you could just have genuinely unpleasant parents.
    There’s plenty of terrible people out there after-all, so plenty of them must have off-spring.
    I guess what I’m saying is that no one on here is qualified to say what relationship you should have with them, without knowing knowing them, or you.

    Thanks to the people who have posted.

    Her hearing is ok, her listening isn’t. But me behaving in a way which makes her feel worse will only make her more difficult, so time to MTFU and be nice…

    IanM, I think you may be the closest, she’s an only-child, toughish upbringing, achieved a lot, then husband left her and has had 30 years living on her own to stew. But she is still my mother, not a very good one, and rather selfish. Very different from parents-in-law… So time to bite that lip.

    Premier Icon epicyclo
    Subscriber

    Awkward Parents…. How do you stand them?

    I’ll ask my daughter 🙂

    On a more serious note, druidh is right, once they’re gone, you regret all the times you were too busy.

    Stoatsbrother – Member
    …she’s an only-child, toughish upbringing, achieved a lot, then husband left her and has had 30 years living on her own to stew … and rather selfish.

    That sounds like the qualities of a survivor. Just hope you’ve inherited some of them.

    grantway
    Member

    its called Tolerate.
    But you need to try and say Why did you say that !
    That normally works.

    don simon
    Member

    Druidh with hammer & nail in impactful collision

    This doesn’t allow for the genuinely bad parents who would appear to be pushing some kind of self destruct button and are content in destroying families. When they are given opportunity after oppurtunity to change and refuse to do anything about it, why should the child be made to feel guilty with all this “regret when they’re gone” stuff?
    Sad, but a reality.

    I wonder if my kids view me the same as Stoatsbrother views his mum? 😕
    Although I must add I’m neither 79 nor 5ft.

    LG

    You may will be much closer to my age than you think. But that’s part of the OP question. How do I stop appearing the same to my kids, one of whom will be gone in 3 years.

    monksie
    Member

    “you owe your life to your parents no matter how much of a pain they can be.”

    “No matter how annoying they can be you can only miss them. So grow up and appreciate them.”

    Pretty much abandoned and left to fend for myself from the below even though she was still in the house most days by my mum. Taken by her when I was 14 for a week long trial at Luton FC but well and truly abandoned on the 4th day. Didn’t see or hear of her again until I was 29.

    Battered, usually with a leather belt on twice or more weekly basis by him. 4 of us locked in a bedroom from Friday night to Monday morning without prior warning for even the slightest transgression by one of us mid week…..I could go on but it’s Sunday morning and I have some hill reps. to do.

    I owe them nothing. I owe the Police and Social Sevices more. I didn’t ask to be born. I did ask to go into care though.

    I will concede I need to grow up sometimes but “appreciate them”? I appreciate the two days they departed this mortal coil. A royal pair of bastards who were fortunate they didn’t go to prison for what they did to us and more so him. 69 years old and on bail awaiting trial at Manchester Crown Court for rape when he died. Only on bail because of his age and very poor health rendering him incapable of doing anyone any more harm.

    Just saying…..it’s not all ‘love your parents, you’ll only have two” regardless. If you can’t stand the woman, don’t.

    Anyway, hill reps………….

    I think you already have your answer – by being aware of how you appear.

    Premier Icon porter_jamie
    Subscriber

    My mum can be really difficult to be around. I have to remind myself to take a deep breath, and smile. The fact you are thinking about how you appear to your kids means all is well, imo.

    Bloody hell monksie, that’s a heavy burden to carry. Sort of thing that makes me feel very fortunate about my own upbringing. 😐

    monksie
    Member

    Flip! I’m sorry Buzz. I should have left it alone but the blanket love your parents / love your kids regardless comments **really** push my donkey buttons.
    Sorry. Enjoy your Sunday. Now, Hill Reps.

    don simon
    Member

    Sorry. Enjoy your Sunday. Now, Hill Reps.

    No apologies needed. I don’t know what to say except no apologies needed, not everything in this world is as good and wholesome as some people would like to think, some are lucky enough to be able to ignore it.
    Now, piss off and do some hill reps.

    loddrik
    Member

    My mum died when I was 16. I’d say put up with her foibles as you’ll miss her when she’s gone…

    RichPenny
    Member

    I’m very lucky in that both of my parents are ace. Sure they both have their faults but so do all of us. If your Mum has been on her own for 30 years she’s bound to enjoy chat with you. I fondly remember my dad and grandad arguing on every visit, my grandad playing devils advocate and winding him up. Almost certainly reassuring himself that the brain was still sharp. Just play your part in the game 😉

    Wrt staying for more than a few days, surely you can understand why? Am having the mother in law here for 6 months soon. Get some perspective!

    I think as you get older you get more awkward and stubborn. You won’t change her, just give her a hug and tell her you love her. She will always want to spend more time with you than you do with her. It is frustrating. Like other people here i’ve lost both my parents and miss them dearly.

    Monksie you comment give perspective here and are absolutely relevent. Hope you find peace.

    Junkyard
    Member

    my dads an utter **** i wont miss him when he is gone as it will be just like now as i still wont see him
    There will be no reconciliation- not as bad as monksie but I have no interest in him or his life. He occasionally tries – Christmas he will be in touch I wont respond – he can die with the regrets and pay the price for what he did the ****. I did nothing wrong oh and one more he is a **** for good measure

    It depends loyalty counts and I do see my mum a lot – I owe her so much and i would still put up with her [ I dont have to we get on]as she was always there for me and I will reciprocate when the time comes I am not seeing her out of loyalty or because of a sense of loss I will one day feel.I see my mum because i love her and I owe her I dont see my dad because I dont love him and I owe him nothing.tbh I wish he was not my dad.
    No way will my children grow up feeling the same mainly because I wont be a **** to them an they will grow up with love

    It depends is my point.

    My mother is an awkward old moo as well. Intelligent, interesting, eccentric and stroppy. Dads fine

    She has been know to have temper tantrums in restaurants, she has no empathy for anyone else, She takes the wrong end of things and won’t listen to anything anyone else says. She can be very cutting and nasty. My family cannot assemble for more than 36 hrs without some massive row – I have see furniture and crockery flyng and very nasty things said. She can also be very demanding ” you never come to see us” She isn’t really nasty = but she does do nasty things. Board games end up in fights. I am the calm and reasonable one of my family 🙂

    I see them every few months and for no longer than 36 hrs generally. Grin and bear it is the only answer – and remember the good side which seems to be intertwined.

    My parents have taken us on holiday a few times. “would you like a free fortnight in the Seychelles?” yes “do you wan to spend and entire fortnight with your whole family?” Errrrmmmmm

    My Partner and my brother in law tend to escape together into a corner with a bottle of gin and leave the rest of us to it.

    So – enjoy the good bits and tolerate the bad -and make the most of what you have

    littlei
    Member

    Stoatsbrother – I think I understand where you’re coming from on this subject. Although I do get along very very well with my parents about 75% of the time, the other 25% of the time can be utter hell. We can argue horribly and not speak for weeks after the bigger bust ups. This can happen a few times a year.

    Typically an argument will begin over some social or political issue and explode into an absolute nightmare. My biggest problem with my parents is that they absolutely refuse to accept that I could ever know something important that they don’t know, and that they could ever be wrong when I’m right. It drives me mad. They love to tell me how much more life experience they’ve had and how they know better in a very patronising way! It really gets me angry.

    I often find some of the views they express offensive and worrying but there’s no talking to them when they’re like that. I think deep down they genuinely think I’m an idiot!

    From bitter experience I’ve learned just to avoid getting into discussions on certain topics with them. And sometimes I just have to not comment back on certain offensive views they share (other than just to simply state I don’t agree very gently) if I’m to have any sort of relationship with them.

    I sometimes remind myself that they haven’t had the privilege of the education and life experiences I’ve had, which have shaped my world-view. But sometimes I wonder if that’s me being a bit patronising toward them. Not sure. It’s very tough though and my best advice would be to gently say you disagree on the more serious issues and just try and work out how best to have a relationship with her that’s gonna be far from perfect.

    globalti
    Member

    Yes my mother aged 81 is also outspoken, bitchy, a gossip, an absolute snob and fiercely active (walks miles every week, goes on Rambler’s and HF walking holidays, sings in three choirs, is a local cathedral guide, etc etc) and has upset everybody in the family at one time or another with her bitchy or racist remarks.

    Mrs Gti can’t stand the sight of her, especially since the day she cornered our son and asked him what he would do if his parents were to separate.

    However like some others on here I maintain that we owe our parents a lot and ought to respect and stay loyal to them no matter how much they annoy us. I am constantly reminding other members of the family that this irritating behaviour was probably completely normal in the 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s when our parents were young. We forget how far society has moved on in demolishing social snobbery and promoting a fairer, more easy-going style of behaviour.

    Junkyard
    Member

    she has no empathy for anyone else, She takes the wrong end of things and won’t listen to anything anyone else says

    so there is a gentic component to online TJ 😉

    project
    Member

    5ft nothing of attitude.

    She doesn’t listen to what other people say, just wants to talk about herself, talks over people, makes faces and snide comments… A combination of sarcasm, and having a go at her when she goes too “Daily Mail” makes life bearable for 24 hours tops

    Bit like us on here, but we can be switched off.

    But being serious, when she is dead,, youll really miss her, her ways, things she said etc, enjoy her life while she is still alive, everyone of us id different, but having the ability to listen and sometimes switch off is a great gift that a lot of peeps dont seem to have.

    I am currently devoid of parents and grand parents along with all my uncles and aunts, there is so much i wanted to ask them and so much i wnted to tell them , now its not going to happen.

    project
    Member

    5ft nothing of attitude.

    She doesn’t listen to what other people say, just wants to talk about herself, talks over people, makes faces and snide comments… A combination of sarcasm, and having a go at her when she goes too “Daily Mail” makes life bearable for 24 hours tops

    Bit like us on here, but we can be switched off.

    But being serious, when she is dead,, youll really miss her, her ways, things she said etc, enjoy her life while she is still alive, everyone of us id different, but having the ability to listen and sometimes switch off is a great gift that a lot of peeps dont seem to have.

    I am currently devoid of parents and grand parents along with all my uncles and aunts, there is so much i wanted to ask them and so much i wnted to tell them , now its not going to happen.

    Junkyard – I am the reasonable and easy going one of my family.

    Junkyard
    Member

    shudders 😀

    Premier Icon Bushwacked
    Subscriber

    I know where you’re at, my mother in law is horrible. I trusted her when I first met her and she ruined that trust by turning what I had told her against me and also using it to upset my mum in ways I could never imagine someone could. I politely told her whatshe had done wrong and it made no difference at all. As a result I trust her with nothin and have closed up shop on our relationship as there is no changing her ways

    I went through a phase of not getting on with my mum after the birth of my first child, realised the error of my ways and arranged to visit her in spain explaining why and she accepted my apology. Two weeks before I went she died and it’s one of the saddest things as we both were really looking forward to making up.

    Some people you can make amends with others you can’t, but as long as you try you have nothing to regret

    Premier Icon Esme
    Subscriber

    To be practical, is it absolutely essential to STAY in her house? If she’s used to peace, and lots of space, she might find it quite stressful to be “invaded”.

    Might it be possible to say “We’re coming down your way to spend a weekend biking. Is it okay if we call in at 5pm, and take you out for a meal? ” . . . or something similar?

    Sorry. Enjoy your Sunday. Now, Hill Reps.

    Agreed. No apologies needed.

    I realise I am very lucky to have such lovely parents as mine. I really hope they last a few more years yet – Mum’s 91 and Dad’s 87, both are still as intelligent and quick witted as they’ve always been, but they are both somewhat pissed off that their bodies are starting to fail a bit!

    Premier Icon Bunnyhop
    Subscriber

    You can choose you friends but not your family.

    Monksie – thank goodness you turned out well.

    My father died when I was 18. He was a functioning alcoholic, and a wife beater. I don’t remember how I felt when he died, shocked I suppose because it was sudden, but that was about it. I wouldn’t say I miss him really – I’m just used to it.
    There isn’t a right or wrong answer, so there isn’t good advice or bad advice, it’s all relevant. Good luck though.

    If your mum has become very different in behaviour in the last couple of years might be worth a word with a doctor or the althimer society to see if she has any signs of onset. If so, then her behaviour may be beyond her control or recognition.

    “”you owe your life to your parents no matter how much of a pain they can be.” “No matter how annoying they can be you can only miss them. So grow up and appreciate them.”

    Sorry but this is rubbish, ignorant and insulting. Parents have kids because they want kids, if they were doing it ‘all for the child’ and not for their own needs and interests they would adopt disadvantaged children instead.

    I stopped seeing my parents when I was in my late 20’s. They were verbally abusive, domineering and used quite brutal blackmail to get what they wanted. One of the highlights was when my mum tried to arrange to have the family dog put down as a punishment for me not doing what she wanted, which was to promise I would never marry. My dad told me that no one would ever want me.

    People who have good family relationships just don’t get that some parents behave to adult children in the same manner as hostile/controlling spouses behave towards their abused and beaten wives – that wining and control is everything and love is utterly conditional on doing what the controller wants and what is good for them.

    People always blame the kids for family breakdown and tell them they are bad people. They don’t stop to find out what hell some people get from abnormally domineering families. If parents make your life hell, walk away. I wish I had gone years earlier, I was a fool not to cut them off. I feel a huge loss for the relationships my family could have had – but which they threw away rather than meet any of the compromises/discussions/negotiations I offered before I walked away.

    My life is so much better now that I have nothing to do with them.

    Would you advise a woman to stay with an abusive partner, saying its her duty to have abuse screamed at her or to be threatened physically? So why tell any offspring that it is a duty to be treated as badly by an obsessive parent?

    Why condemn any kid for wanting to be treated with a normal human level of love and respect and pat bad parents on the back for ‘doing so much’ for their child?

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