Australia – Is it just me….

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  • Australia – Is it just me….
  • Spent alot of time in WA and loved it. Perth is a relaxed, cosmopolitan city, the surrounding hills are great for mtbing, amazing beaches south around Margret River and baking hot climate further north.

    If my gf wasnt paranoid about being killed by one of the many posionous creatures frequenting the place Id love to live there


    So why start such a negative thread?

    I wante to know if I was odd or not, for not liking the place. I’m not the only one, I know that, but everyone just goes all misty-eyed as soon as you mention Australia…. Why?


    I loved Australia, It’s an amazing place especially when you get of beaten track. I much prefered the West Coast to the East Coast. I lived out there for a year and saw so many cool things but still never got to see it all. I want to go back one day and cover the bits i missed. Kakadu National Park was one of the highlights, it was an awesome experience!!

    Premier Icon smogmonster

    KiwiJohn, how do you find the mtbing in Tas…i hear good things, and im moving there with the family in January next year.

    From reading this at least i am safe in the knowledge that if/when we go there it won’t be full of middle class, critical, stw reading tossers 😉

    Premier Icon ton

    i went to sidney to play rugby for a month in my early 20s.
    i thought it was ace.
    big ben pies are awesome, tooheys is awesome, aussie rl is awesome, king prawns are awesome.
    i liked it.. 8)

    To be honest Oz is the one place that I’ve never had any interest in going to visit, not sure why though! Probably as you’ve said want to go to other countries where there is more culture and stuff like that. I lived with 5 Australians when I was in London and to be fair 4 of them were complete a** holes, okay I’m certainly not going to judge 4 people against the rest of Oz but it’s difficult as all they did was whinge how awful England was and how Oz was so aweomse .. so why didn’t they go home?

    I like hot sunny weather but not sitting on the beaches and lounging around in it, don’t think i’d like it too much!! Canada on the other hand ….


    other countries where there is more culture

    By culture do you mean a multiplex in every town, artists pickling sharks, Windsor Castle and Pop Idol? Or by culture do you mean a shared set of beliefs and values that define a group of people and their roots? If so then go to Arnhem land in the Northern Territory where you’ll be surrounded by 40,000 years of Aboriginal culture that survives (just) today. In contrast, we’ve scrubbed away at our culture as if we’re ashamed of it.
    It seems like a sort of short-sighted colonial arrogance to criticise Australia’s lack of culture when Melbourne was the world’s second UNESCO City of Literature and the first Slow City outside of Italy. I’m sure there are plenty of obnoxious Aussies but I can’t help feeling a little envious of the pride they have in their country.
    Now, where’s that Skilled Migrant list…


    Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the “Great Australia Bight” proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory, but they can’t spell either.

    The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three.

    Typically, it is unique in this.

    The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all.

    But even the spiders won’t go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down), and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.

    Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is the common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends its life digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night it comes out to eat worms and grubs. The wombat kills people in two ways:

    First, the animal is indestructible. Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles that outclass Olympic weightlifters. At night, they often wander the roads. Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all 9 wheels on one side, and this merely makes them (wombats) annoyed. They express this by snorting, glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat becomes an asymmetrical launching pad, with results that can be imagined, but not adequately described.

    The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing behaviour. If a person happens to put their hand down a Wombat hole, the Wombat will feel the disturbance and think “Woa!. My hole is collapsing!” at which it will brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow with incredible force, to prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate’s hand will be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause the Wombat to simply bear down harder. The unfortunate will then bleed to death through their crushed hand as the wombat prevents him from seeking assistance. This considered the third most embarrassing known way to die, and Australians don’t talk about it much.

    At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter’s tail, webbed feet, lays eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel, and has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all ‘typical’ Australian attributes into a large improbable creature.

    The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a short history: Some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and lots of them died. The one’s that survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man’s proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in, and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.

    Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving form the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.

    About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say) – whereas all the Aborigines can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.

    Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extend Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.

    There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretending to be a rock, and which has venomous barbs sticking out of it back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.

    As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger, unless they are an American. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud.

    Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the ‘Grass is Greener on the Other Side of the Fence’ syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia _is_, in fact, the other side of that Fence. They call the land, “Oz”, “Godzone (a verbal contraction of “God’s Own Country”) and “Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth.” The irritating thing about this
    is they may be right.

    There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though. Do not under any circumstance suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and Politics are safe topics of conversation (Australians don’t care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield.

    The only correct answer to “So, howdya’ like our country, eh?” is “Best (insert your own regional swear word here) country in the world!”.

    It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will ‘adopt’ you and, on your first night, take you to a pub where Australian Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing
    hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes. Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal difficulties with “It’s his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub.” to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every state, and noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.

    Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.

    Typical Australian sayings:


    “It’s better than a poke in the eye with a sharp (or blunt) stick.”

    “She’ll be right.”

    “And down from Kosciusko, where the pine clad ridges raise their torn and rugged battlements on high, where the air is clear as crystal, and the white stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky. And where, around the overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes, and the rolling plains are wide. The Man from Snowy River is a household word today, and the stockmen tell the story of his ride.”

    Tips to Surviving Australia:

    Don’t ever put your hand down any hole for any reason whatsoever. We mean it.

    The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.

    Always carry a stick.


    Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and good in a fistfight.

    Thick socks.

    Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.

    If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die.

    Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

    See also: “Deserts: How to die in them”, “The Stick: Second most useful thing ever” and “Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals, trees, shrubs, fish and sheep of Australia, Volumes 1-42”.

    I liked Tasmania a lot. All of it, but especially the wild bits. And it’s not too big either. I saw a big black snake too. Reckon I could be happy there.

    Premier Icon kiwijohn

    The riding here in Hobart is pretty good. There’s a 1200m mountain on my doorstep, covered in trails (if you know where to look). You can ride for an hour or a day without having to drive anywhere.
    Further afield, it’s not too hard to find an epic.


    Casual recism, parochial, f*ck me it sounds home, when can I move?


    My biggest problem with Australia was

    too much sand…

    After a while biking there you just long for some hard packed or loamy dirt to carve a corner on!!

    Oh, and I like somewhere that has real mountains too.


    the food, oh my word yes, is so much better.

    fresh fishies, lumps of meat, any type of resturant

    and theres a bike shop on every coner.

    girls wander round nearly nudie.



    Inzane – you have to learn to embrace the slide. It doesn’t matter if your front wheel skids – as long as the back one is skidding more.

    Good to see that others are starting to talk sense. No trips back to the UK planned anytime soon.


    Inzane – you have to learn to embrace the slide. It doesn’t matter if your front wheel skids – as long as the back one is skidding more.

    Oh I know how to 2 wheel drift around corners… but there are much more fun surfaces to ride on!!

    The amount of fantastic single track i have access to from here in Christchurch is amazing compared to what was available in Sydney, Melbourne or Perth.


    Ok, you may have the edge living in Christchurch but it’s not all bad here in Perth. It even rained a bit this morning (for the first time in months) so maybe the sand will pack down a bit.


    in Oz, you don’t have to leave for and finish work in the dark.

    the straight roads are dull though.

    Premier Icon kiwijohn

    Hobart edges out Chch for riding from your door. & ves I have lived there as well.


    It doesn’t rain as much as here and its warmer.

    Most people get bored though.


    I’m going to provide a completely pointless perspective and say I’d like to go for a few months but after discussing the place with people who have spent long periods over there (I’ve just realised I’ve not really known any australians, ever), it’d not be a place I’d want to stay. England is great as a country, it’s just it’s full of selfish, irresponsible ****.

    Premier Icon epicyclo

    We’re not racist in Oz, we just don’t like whingeing Poms or (insert your nationality here) 😀

    BTW It’s also worth learning the meaning of irony before going there.

    It’s the best country in the world for a young enterprising person, and the worst one for anyone who expects it to be like home.

    And get out west or north, keep away from the southern cities, they’re infested with Poms.


    ozzies seem to be a bit insecure of the national identity, which tends to be a bit of a touchy subject, so they kind of overdo the compeptivness with other countries. also, the media is shit.

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