Viewing 38 posts - 1 through 38 (of 38 total)
  • At what point do you and your partner decide to call it a day?
  • BruceWee
    Full Member

    Just wondering about others experience of being in a relationship that is making them miserable. Or maybe a better description is being a person who is fundamentally miserable and in a relationship.

    We have two young kids. If we didn’t we would have split up years ago. Or maybe not. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that a large part of our problems comes from the stress of having two very headstrong kids. That and the fact we are shit parents. Or at least I am.

    Not really sure what I’m asking here, to be honest. Been to the doctors, went through the system, come out without any real progress, and I don’t think I can face up to going through it all again. I am who I am, ultimately, and I think hoping that I can change into some sort of good partner is wishful thinking.

    For years our situation has been unstable work-wise. Things settled down about six months ago but we aren’t doing any better now than we were back then.

    I guess practicalities are the only thing that is keeping us together. How the hell do people afford to split up, is what I want to know? I think we should be able to manage it but it’s going to be financially uncomfortable. I guess one of us will move out and we’ll split the kids time between us. Need to look into it a bit more.

    I guess the real question is what is best for the kids? Is it better to keep them in a strained angry environment or to split their time between two parents living separately?

    weeksy
    Full Member

    My question may be random, but can you not make it better? Can you not find again what you had first of all with the wife?
    It’s only a mindset, it’s a choice thing, you can choose to fix it, choose to make yourself a better person, better parent. So, get on and do it.

    BruceWee
    Full Member

    My question may be random, but can you not make it better?

    Can’t believe I never thought of that.

    Seriously, I’m glad that, for you, it’s as easy as just making the choice to be a better person but don’t for a minute think it’s the same for all of us.

    Like I said, I’ve been through a whole cycle of doctors and psychologists, three times actually, over the last ten years and it’s not helped. Not sure if I’m some sort of special case but I don’t really feel like subjecting myself to another ultimately useless waste of time.

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    oldnick
    Full Member

    One of the few things my parents got right was splitting up. They made a pigs ear of it mind, but certainly better than all the arguments.
    A friend and his wife have stayed together for years only for the benefit of the kids, two of whom (mid teens) say they wish the parents would split up so they could just live with him.
    There’s no one true answer, just opinions so all you can do is what you think is best for the kids. Good luck.

    bohngy
    Free Member

    Not a stupid question…. what do you want? Try to listen to your heart, rather than your head, and feel what you want.
    If you want to be a better partner/parent then commit to that. When you say

    I am who I am, ultimately, and I think hoping that I can change into some sort of good partner is wishful thinking.

    You’re arguing for your own limitations. You won’t change if you don’t want to.
    I’m certainly not going to give you relationship advice, but it’s okay to say “things are shit, I want them to be better”…. and make a positive move, in that direction.

    Sorry you’re going through hard times at the mo…

    gauss1777
    Free Member

    Gosh, I feel for you. My wife and I are still together and our children have now left home, but it has been tough at times. Sorry that I don’t have any advise, because a few of the things you’ve said/hinted at sound familiar. The one thing that sticks out most is your saying that you’re a shit parent. Whilst there are shit parents aplenty around, the fact you’ve said you are one suggests to me you are not. Bringing up children is tough; we raised our children to be very independent, the downside was that they too were very headstrong. It is easy to underestimate how stressful raising children is, along with it being non-stop really takes its toll. Older children bring their own challenges, but it gets easier and easier as they grow older.
    I imagine you’re doing a much better job at parenting than you think. Perhaps a few little tweaks to what you are doing could make you more happy and confident that you are doing a good job.

    tomhoward
    Full Member

    If you are a miserable person that’s in a relationship, what makes you think you (and your partner, and your kids) will be better on your/their own? Is it a case of thinking the grass will be greener?

    How does she feel about the situation?

    BruceWee
    Full Member

    Not a stupid question…. what do you want? Try to listen to your heart, rather than your head, and feel what you want.

    Seems like it should be an easy question but for someone like me (Borderline Personality Disorder) it’s actually very very difficult. Even something as simple as ‘Do you like mountain biking’ I can’t say for sure.

    I have very little in the way of sense of self to base my decisions on and things that I feel very strongly about I can end up feeling completely the opposite way about later in the day.

    I’m an extremely destabilising influence on those close to me which is probably where many of the problems come from.

    easygirl
    Full Member

    If you are a destabilising influence on the people around you and as you’ve said thats not going to change
    Surely the best thing to do is take yourself out of the situation for the sake of your wife and kids , leave them and let them get on with a more stable and happy life

    BruceWee
    Full Member

    Surely the best thing to do is take yourself out of the situation for the sake of your wife and kids , leave them and let them get on with a more stable and happy life

    Yeah, this is what feels like the ultimate solution. What I want really want to do is give her everything (house, car, savings, etc) and then just disappear.

    On the other hand, when she’s away and I look after the kids by myself, things tend to be a lot calmer and predictable. I don’t think the best thing for me to do would be to disappear from my kids life altogether even though that’s what my heart tells me would be for the best.

    For one thing, they may inherit some of my traits as they grow up. I’d like to be around if that starts to happen.

    jamj1974
    Full Member

    BruceWee.  I don’t have any advice to give, but I very much admire your honesty. I wish you and your family all the best.

    Cletus
    Free Member

    I can relate to some of what you have written OP as I also find functioning in a relationship and with kids a challenge. I also have an adult stepchild to deal with which is the main thing that causes friction in my relationship – him refusing to get a job or make any contribution in terms of money or work around the house is ok according to my wife.

    I would say do not do anything immediately as the time of year may be a big factor in how you are feeling at the moment – it is with me. Whatever you do try to make sure that it is a good outcome for everyone including yourself.

    Nobeerinthefridge
    Free Member

    What jamj said, all the best mate, whatever happens.

    exsee
    Free Member

    Ime, it normally goes tits up after a big argument about something silly.

    Some things are easier on your Tod some things are harder. Money problems are very different to dealing with the emotional ups and downs of a family relationship but no easy answers and for everything that is easier something will be harder. Your balance will be different to anybody else’s.

    It’s quite likely that you will have already thought of all the ins and outs and have an answer ready for any replies, you’ve obviously put some serious effort in over the past few years trying to understand your own thoughts.
    You are what you are but that is neither negative or positive.

    ctk
    Free Member

    What does your wife think?

    And all the best

    RichPenny
    Free Member

    I have been through it and my circumstances sound like they were pretty similar to yours. For my daughter, my ex and myself it has worked out better than I had any hope for. Not that keen to plaster my personal life on the forum, but please PM me and I’m happy to talk about it.

    Cheers,
    Rich

    boomerlives
    Free Member

    I rarely think that anyone who thinks they are a shit parent actually is. It’s the ‘experts’ at the school gates and by the side of the sports pitches who tell you how brilliant they are who are generally not doing the best job.

    So long as your kids are not actually at the bottom of a cliff, on fire, you’re likely doing OK. It’s a hard job and you take it on without any experience and learn as you go. The kids would probably like you around, too

    Since you have spoken to the GP, have you spoken to the other half? I doubt she would like to find herself coping as a single parent.

    Would being alone and not seeing your kids make you any happier? Or would it be worse?

    easygirl
    Full Member

    Brucewee
    Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying disappear from theirr lives, just leave the family home if that’s causing the problem and still be a part of their lives providing help and support, but giving yourself and your family some room and time apart
    Hope you find the strength to do what needs doing

    Cougar
    Full Member

    You only have one life. If you’re in a relationship that is making it worse rather than better it’s time to move on. Your kids will adapt.

    She’s never said as such but I have a sneaking suspicion that the only reason my mum kept my dad around was because of me. Should that be true then I sincerely wish she hadn’t bothered.

    martymac
    Full Member

    Relationships are difficult enough when you are both working together and everything is going ok.
    You need to speak with your partner and see how she feels.
    I agree with the people above who say ‘if you believe you’re a shit parent you almost definitely aren’t’
    Feelings of self loathing/being unworthy aren’t that uncommon.
    I get them periodically, but then i have other times when I realise that im just a regular guy and there’s nothing much wrong with me.
    I agree it’s not easy though.

    Sandwich
    Full Member

    From a parent with a BPD child (who’s nearly 30), you may need to engage your brain more when dealing with emotional situations. The child was taught to pause before starting in on anything and so far it appears to be working for them. Would you partner be up for a bit of encouragement on this front? Our approach with the child was some mild teasing (you may not work with this) and some time-out talks explaining why ‘normal people’ (gross simplification for brevity, not to imply you are abnormal yours is a different normal) don’t behave that way.

    Warning it is very difficult and you personally will not like it while you learn new social norms.

    Finally how involved is your partner in your condition and the various medical and counselling appointments. Will she be up to learning a whole new way of relating to you when you are struggling?

    6 months after stability sets in is a bit soon to be hoping it will all be ok. That’s the syndrome talking, tomorrow it will all be the best thing ever, the day after? Who knows.

    Good luck and I hope that it works out for you.

    BruceWee
    Full Member

    Weirdly enough I’m actually very emotionally aware of what’s going on with people around me. I remember talking to my psychologist about conflicts I have had in the past. He was very surprised how aware I was about what the people I was in conflict with were most likely thinking and feeling. I was a able to give almost second by second commentary on their thoughts and feelings.

    On the flip side of that I had absolutely no idea what was going on in my own head. Almost every description was, ‘I was fine and then I was really angry.’

    ‘But what were you feeling before you started getting angry.’

    ‘Nothing, I was just suddenly furious.’

    I can’t tell if I’m getting worse as I’m getting older or if having the family just means I don’t have the opportunity to take the downtime I need anymore.

    molgrips
    Free Member

    It seems to me that having young kids stops you doing the things you want or need to do for yourself. This applies to both partners. This stresses us out and can exacerbate any personal issues or alternative desires we may have.

    It could be that your partner is struggling to be the person s/he used to be, and that you are too. It can end up being the doldrums of your life. My wife can get angry quickly and easily – it’s because of the stress of life. The cause is trivial, but the reason that a trivial thing made her angry is, well, everything.

    It sounds as if you might be blaming yourself for having a short fuse, but it may not entirely be your fault. When I was young I lived in a small country town and spent most of my time out in the countryside. I was extremely chilled as a person. When I moved to a (small) city I enjoyed it in many ways but I became a lot less chilled in both directions. More excitable, easier to anger, more highly strung. Now – I’ve had the fortune to exist in different environments and I can see how this changes me. If I hadn’t had those experiences, if I’d always lived in a city (for example) I’d think that was just me.

    So it’s worth thinking about your life, possible alternatives, and how this affects you, your life and your relationships. You seem like a top bloke from your STW contributions, if you feel like doing something different for a bike ride then drop me a line.

    kevs
    Free Member

    This resounds with me so much that you could’ve written it about me.

    We have two little ones who are very head strong and hard work, this stresses us both out and we argue.

    Time out for each of us seperately helps and also the very rare times we get to spend together without the kids.

    I ride a cargo bike and take them out as much as i can for “me time” and they love it and get to go to the park, balance bikes etc.

    Fully agree with molgrips about the stresses of life and kids.

    Where are you in the country? Maybe some riding with others or support would help?
    I have a very limited support network but the odd chat etc certainly helps (normally just about random crap rather than anything else)

    ji
    Free Member

    First of all it all sounds a bit rubbish at the moment, and you have my sympathies.

    My thoughts – for what they are worth – is that loads of research shows that having young kids reduces happiness and satisfaction, and the ages between about 30 and 45 are the least happy. Could be that some of your feelings are just this, and perhaps there is some hope that things WILL get better in time.

    Secondly money issues (you mention unstbale work situation until recently) are also crap and stressful – is it worth looking at some budgeting help – ukfinance on Reddit if you want anonymous, or look at people such as CAPUK https://capuk.org/ for help with debt. (Don’t be put off by the fact that this is a christian charity – they will help anyone and will not push religion at all).

    Finally if the counselling and medical help you laready have sought hasnt worked then maybe seek some alternative options – counselling / coaching in particular are very dependent on the person doing them.

    Hope things improve. 🙂

    DrP
    Full Member

    Mate…
    Bin there… Dun that…

    For me, it was really quite telling that I held the view that “if it weren’t for the kids, we’d split”…

    Splitting is funking hard, but in the end I knew it was the right thing…

    Pm if you wanna chat and share specifics…

    All I know is that i REALLY tried to make it work..
    Don’t feel like you’ve given up

    DrP x

    stwhannah
    Full Member

    A rare 2p from me, because the ‘I’m a crap parent’ feeling was me not so long ago and it was horrible:

    Whatever you decide to do, I think your kids will be ok if you show them you love them and answer their questions honestly. If your partner wants to work at it with you, then great. But if they don’t, don’t walk away telling yourself you’re a crap parent. I felt distant, disconnected and like a crap parent for so long. I only realised that it wasn’t my relationship with the kids or parenting ability that was the problem when I got proper time on my own with them – days and nights away. I was just too unhappy and the dynamic was all wrong when my ex was around. I’m a year post split now and I have the best relationship with my kids that I could ever hope for. I’m really glad I didn’t just disappear (which really seemed like the only viable option a lot of the time).

    I can’t say what’s the right solution for you, but in the thick of unhappiness it’s easy to look to answers that put the blame on yourself. We all have a right to be happy – what would you like your future to look like? Sometimes relationships run their course – sure, I’m coming at it from a biased perspective, but also as the child of divorced parents. If you do split, the most important thing is how you do it – making sure that everything you do as two individuals is in the interests of the kids, not point scoring or revenge. That can take a ton of tongue biting, but in time I think kids see what’s what. If they feel loved and secure, it doesn’t really matter if their parents sleep under the same roof or not.

    Whatever the right answer is for you, I hope you find it.

    TiRed
    Full Member

    Shit parents don’t say they’re shit parents. You’re a parent and doing your best. As for relationships – remember why you fell in love with the mother of your children. They are demanding things, kids, so try and step back and gain a little more perspective.

    Ps you’re not a shit parent.

    Sandwich
    Full Member

    Parents, all the learning on the job with no instruction manual. The job’s never done and there are only small clues that you’ve done well early on.

    MoreCashThanDash
    Full Member

    Molgrips has it – however much you love them, kids destroy your life and you then rebuild who you are, as individuals and as a couple.

    Stared into the split abyss a few times over the years, neither of us are easy to live with. Not yet convinced it would be better apart rather than together so we bumble along and keep making it work well enough

    boomerlives
    Free Member

    ‘Nothing, I was just suddenly furious.’

    That’s a symptom of depression; in my experience.

    Not inexplicable, not mysterious, but something that can be managed and improved

    frankconway
    Full Member

    Cannot agree that ‘…kids destroy your life and you then rebuild…..’
    Having children changes your life, adds much to it, can change relationship with wife/husband/partner; other, external, factors can also change your life.

    orangeorange
    Free Member

    Desperately trying to avoid the clichés,but do you have anywhere that you could live for a while to provide temporary respite,and to maybe give you both context regarding you current situation ?
    The immediate time after a split is the nightmare of reality,I made my marriage last until my Son was old enough not to care whether we were together anymore by moving out on the occasions where it was getting too much for all of us,and it gave me some much-needed headspace and escapism that I to pull us both back from the brink of divorce-You`d also be replicating the aftermath,and if it made you happier then theres your answer.
    Don’t they say that a large percentage of being a good parent is just being there ?

    cookeaa
    Full Member

    It sounds as if you might be blaming yourself for having a short fuse, but it may not entirely be your fault…

    I think molgrips has a point here, it’s often as much circumstances and environment as it is just you. And not just the wife and/or kids…

    Our eldest is ten and over the last decade my general mood has swung a fair bit, perspective (hindsight) is a useful thing. Most people who know us think I’m really chilled, but I do actually have a temper and it’s not a pleasant thing to witness it at work, I can be horrible in an argument and an utter bastard if the mood takes me.

    My missus is definitely the more “emotional” of the pair of us, while I tend to be the logical/analytical part of the equation, hence I can get frustrated by relatively minor things and eventually that can boil over, tiredness never helps nor do external stresses like money concerns or work.
    Over the years I’ve learned to recognise and manage at least some of the triggers, work was a significant factor for a while, that has improved thankfully and I have a good work/life balance now. I love the kids and my wife and we tend to want to be together more often than not, but even she has understood that I need to be given some space for myself from time to time, and that it does actually benefit the whole family.

    I can spot when I’m being “managed” and told to go out for a ride, which in itself winds me up a bit, but by the time I get back home I’m as chilled as ever and able to interact with my family the way I really want to. She still thinks I’m a bit of a grumpy sod at times, but the degree of misanthropy I spread is greatly reduced by a bit of careful mood management… The things that set me off generally aren’t the wife and kids, but that can be where it manifests simply because they’re the people I am around the most…

    Earlier in the thread you described yourself as a “destabilising influence” and seemed to suggest removing yourself entirely from the family would be of benefit… I doubt that’s really the case. you say you’ve been through the process of talking to people, but have you looked at what it is within your life that is making you feel like you destabilise the family? Or what might trigger your behavior outside of the family? So what triggers did you identify?

    raybanwomble
    Free Member

    Weirdly enough I’m actually very emotionally aware of what’s going on with people around me. I remember talking to my psychologist about conflicts I have had in the past. He was very surprised how aware I was about what the people I was in conflict with were most likely thinking and feeling. I was a able to give almost second by second commentary on their thoughts and feelings.

    On the flip side of that I had absolutely no idea what was going on in my own head. Almost every description was, ‘I was fine and then I was really angry.’

    Snap. I get asked for life advice by friends a lot.

    Went off on one a bit when at university, was informed by a shrink that I’m the polar opposite to someone with Aspergers. I score in the top 1 percentile for the Reading the Mind in the Eye Test etc, it’s just that apparently I’m an angry bastard.

    I’m not sure whether this is a win or not.

    People think that not being able to read social situations or others is a curse, well if it makes them feel any better the opposite situation is a **** curse as well.

    bigblackheinoustoe
    Free Member

    Quick disclaimer: I’m not a marriage councilor.

    I say split up due to a number of benefits…

    1. It’s better in that kids get a form of redundancy if one parent goes off the rails. There’ll be another parent to pick up the slack.

    2. Kids won’t have to tolerate the stress of two parents that don’t get along living together.

    3. When their parents die the kids will benefit from two wills with double the amount of assets.

    4. Kids tend to benefit as parents try to outcompete with one another for their kids affections so furnish their kids with extravagant gifts.

    5. If both parents are successful after the split, i.e. find new partners, establish themselves in other areas, then the kids benefit from new step parents and a wider variety of places to visit. Two households in two areas.

    6. If parents have children with new partners then your original kids get to welcome new siblings into the family.

    RamseyNeil
    Free Member

    All of those six points could work out very differently and to the detriment of the children .

    keithb
    Full Member

    To focus on couple of points, particularly as medical investigation has had limited success.

    You say you are a shit parent.  You won’t be, but you may feel that way.  Have you considered some form of parenting class/course?   It may help you see you’re not as bad as you think, and give you some useful additional skills/techniques for managing your relationship with your kids.

    You also say your a shit partner, so how about some relationship help?  Maybe something like relate, or they maybe able to point you to something helpful?

    Try and do something positive to improve the situation and your own skills, it may not give you anything useful other than the confidence that you are, in fact, doing an okay job.

    I met a woman who had remarried, with 2 of her own, 2 step kids and then had kids in the new marriage! She took some classes as the step kids were much older and outside her experience, and found them hugely useful, and proceeded to do every course she could!

    Identifying there’s something wrong is hard, then fighting out what to do about it can feel impossible!

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