Are we allowed to talk about poo?

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  • Are we allowed to talk about poo?
  • willard
    Member

    Momo, best keep within sprinting distance of the loo then. You never know when one of those could turn from a howling gale to floods of rain.

    Type 4 this morning, possibly due to the creamy pasta the day before. At least I’m back to normal though. When I quit smoking before christmas, the Champix prevented no. 2s for anything up to a week, even with senna, black coffee and high fibre veg. At that point, it was like pushing an anvil into a bathtub.

    Premier Icon wwaswas
    Subscriber

    I have a kidney infection which means I am

    a) drinking about 2 gallons of water a day

    and

    b) on antibiotics

    the surfeit of liquid plus the medicine seem to be conspiring together to produce poos that are only slightly less soupy than the wee I was doing when I first got infected ๐Ÿ™

    Premier Icon maccruiskeen
    Subscriber

    my poo schedule has gone out the window

    Gardez l’eau!

    Mr Woppit
    Member

    This thread hits too many unconcious panic buttons for me to contribute without having a complete psychological meltdown. ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

    wwaswas – 2 gallons a day ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

    You risk hyponatraemia (potentially fatal) – reduce your intake.

    Premier Icon wwaswas
    Subscriber

    ah, well. I may have exaggerated for effect.

    Yesterday I had;

    5 x 750ml bike bottles of dilute Robinsons Barley Water
    2 pints of tea
    1 small bottle of diet coke
    3 espressos

    eyerideit
    Member

    I had quite a satisfying one this morning.

    My best ever was on an airplane, it was HUGE and was like a big brown python sitting happily in the bowl.

    PJM1974
    Member

    ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

    *rocks back and forth*

    Mummy…

    Premier Icon theotherjonv
    Subscriber

    my daughter at age about 3 went through a time when she didn’t like pooing and would actively try to avoid it for days on end. Then it would hit crisis point; we’d know she’d need to go from the smells but she’d deny it until she had to. Then in tears she’d sit on the loo and produce turds that would have shamed a Texan Oilman. I’ swear one was a foot long which from a torso that was only about 2.5 feet long at the time astonished us.

    She’s normal now, thankfully.

    I think of a dangerfart as ‘like twisting on 19’

    samuri
    Member

    And obviously we’ve all done at least one magic poo. You strained, you felt it come out but when you stood up it was nowhere to be seen. All that remained was a faint wiff of poo and maybe a light stain on the u-bend.

    And the less common, crimp-proof poo. It’s a hard slog but you feel the time has come to crimp. You’re sweating lightly through the effort but it really is now time to part company with your poo. You clutch the appropriate muscles but that baby does not want to say bye, bye. Crimp…Crimp!… CRIMP!!! Nope, it’s hanging there, all 12 inches and it’s still got a very tough grip on your spinchter. There’s only one thing for it, you’re going to have to dangle-break it. Lift a small amount off the seat and shake your hips. you can feel the thing banging against the sides of the bowl but it’s not letting go.

    What now? Wait and hope? Bounce a little?

    Eventually through whatever means you part company and survey your output. It’s the size of a well fed cucumber and it’s got the consistency of a candle. You pray, pray for a bog brush to be in evidence otherwise it’s getting left for the next occupant.

    I think of a dangerfart as Russian poolette ๐Ÿ˜€

    Somebody left one grounded in the pan the other day. Its dimensions were that of a Watney’s Party Four. I was startled.

    Premier Icon wwaswas
    Subscriber

    if we’re talking about kids pooing here’s my anecdote.

    At about 3 or 4 months old my daughter was still being breast fed and only used to poo if she sat on my lap and I rubbed her back.

    I fell off my bike and broke my hip and was in hospital for 3 or 4 days.

    She stopped pooing.

    I got home, sat on the sofa with my leg up feeling a bit fragile, she was put on my lap to say hello and have a cuddle, I touched her back to support her and she, errm, let it all out.

    We practically had to hose the lounge out.

    Premier Icon Cougar
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    Went at work this morning, found that my first choice of trap already contained what Doctor Raymond Stantz might have termed a free floating, full torso, vaporous apparition. Nothing quite puts you off your stride like lifting the lid and finding someone else’s Richard winking cheerily back at you.

    I’m leaving my job in a fortnight. I could have some trap-based fun…

    bikeryder85
    Member

    just returned from a lovely poo here at the office, freshly clean loo and all.

    Premier Icon Harry_the_Spider
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    My 2 year old daughter looks all sweet and innocent

    …but she craps like a Belgian Paratrooper.

    thegreatape
    Member

    eyerideit, some time ago…

    timely thread… i jsut spent 45 minutes unblocking a toilet that a patient had left this morning without informing me or my staff, it was about the size of a pint glass in both width and length… glad i’ve been going to the gym as it took a fair bit of strength to break it down, that was just the visible bit left in the bowl, what was in the u-bend took AGES to break down. was nearly sick about 8 times but now its all clear and clean again.

    the joys of being a nurse.

    Premier Icon wwaswas
    Subscriber

    without informing me or my staff

    that’s tricky conversation, though.

    Patient: “Have you got any wire coathangers?”
    Nurse: “Why?”
    Patient: ” No reason.” *wanders off whistling innocently*

    or

    Patient: “I’ve just passed a stool the size of a Zepplin, sort it out, there’s a good nurse”

    ?

    a simple “i’ve blocked the toilet” would’ve been enough, knowing the guys history i’m safe in betting its not the first time! instead i only realised when i took somebody up there to quote us for a new shower screen.

    he’s only been with us a couple of weeks and is still settling in, at the moment i’m having to tell him off about 3 times a day and the therapeutic relationship is only being held together by my ability to forgive lol

    Premier Icon Harry_the_Spider
    Subscriber

    Surely the NHS could stump up for one of these?

    It even has different attachments.

    Premier Icon muggomagic
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    I was in hospital for a few days a couple of years back and the old boy in the bed next to me struggled out of bed one morning and was shuffling along when all of a sudden there was a noise similar to that of a hot rod starting up. He turned right around and headed back to bed.

    HA! we’re not NHS unfortunately otherwise I’d have been able to call up the maintenance team to deal with it!

    i can see that thing turning up in my nightmares.

    willard
    Member

    I saw a film about that once.

    Except there were two chefs.

    And there was no cooking involved.

    Premier Icon wwaswas
    Subscriber

    from a topical tweet;

    saw a film about that once.

    Except there were two chefs.

    And there was no cooking involved

    Was there a hiball tumbler involved at some point?

    eyerideit
    Member

    And obviously we’ve all done at least one magic poo. You strained, you felt it come out but when you stood up it was nowhere to be seen. All that remained was a faint wiff of poo and maybe a light stain on the u-bend.

    We calls them ghost poos and when there’s no trace on the paper – they’re called ghost angels.

    The ones that lurk around the u bend are Congas

    BTW what’s a dangerfart is it a Whinnet/Cling on?

    eyerideit
    Member

    2 girls and a cup anyone? ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

    Don’t ever ever ever watch it, it will leave you mentally scared for years.

    Premier Icon Cougar
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    I thought a dangerfart was when you’re quietly deflating to yourself and you suddenly have to shut your bum in a hurry as the fart got unexpectedly wider.

    _tom_
    Member

    “like a flock of pigeons taking off” has to be the best description ever ๐Ÿ˜†

    I once had a whole week of clean getaways, suffice to say it was the best week of my life.

    PJM1974
    Member

    Someone on the first floor of my office is very, very unwell…the fumes from the lav are distinctly meaty with overtones of camembert and cat food.

    *cries*

    eyerideit
    Member

    Just been mailed this

    Any takers?

    choron
    Member

    This will run for a thousand posts easy…

    Also, can’t quite believe that I’m the first person to suggest this: but emsz, have you considered

    rkk01
    Member

    I believe that this is an abbreviated classification table.

    For the full classification you really ought to look up “I’m from Aberdare Maan” on YouTube.

    This classic catalogues the full range varieties that are possible based on a Valley’s diet.

    I highlighted this on the Rugby thread a few days ago – but it rteally does have relevance here !!

    It’s probably still NSFW unless you’re not overlooked!

    I’d put an embed in, but there a few naughty words

    Premier Icon wwaswas
    Subscriber

    two stool charts on the same thread, we’re doing well ๐Ÿ™‚

    ocrider
    Member

    Type 1: Peanuts
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Type 7: Guinness

    My gran always said “A pint of stout’ll flush it out”

Viewing 40 posts - 41 through 80 (of 96 total)

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