Good suggestions above. Well worth going to couples counselling as a mediated conversation that can help you to see each others perspectives and help with your communication.

Er, yeah, that too.

OK – got access to a full keyboard now

this is learnt behaviour by you – its not who you are its who you have learned to be.

15 years ago0 me and t’missus nearly destroyed our relationship in a cycle of arguing distrust and blame. Two things saved us – wanting to save it and being prepared to take the steps no matter how painful. You seem to have reached the first of those – wanting to save it. the second is what you need to do next.

To show you how ridiculous and overblown it can become one of our biggest rows was over the merits of alternative taxations systems. the rows / behaviour are not the cause – they are the symptom. ~The cause is whatever drives those behaviours

If your job is making you stressed to the point of damaging family relationships then you have to do something about that. Either change the job or change the way you react to it. The stress drives the behaviours that damage the relationship.

I am a big fan of counselling. We didn’t do much – 3 sessions IIRC but it was a huge help having someone else who can dispassionately look at the dynamic and suggest ways of coping.

I am not sure you need full blown psychotherapy just someone who can see whats happening without emotion

One thing that helped us was having a trigger phrase that we both could use that the other had to respect and take a time out. Another was to take all the judgement out of it ie not ” why is he being a shit” but “what is leading him to behave like that”.

YOu need to reset your behaviour patterns and this can be done and in our case it wasn’t actually that hard and I doubt it would be for you either as you seem to recognise that your behaviour upsets your family and you want to save your marriage.

so how do you save your marriage? By stopping the behaviour that damages it. What behavioir damages your relations ship? being snippy. so if you want to save the marriage then stop being snippy. all you then need to do is find a route to do this

Break it all down into little steps like that it becomes easy. one thing leads to another in a positive spiral not a negative one.

One final thing is to apologise to yourwife now in a maeaningful way and tell her that you want to change but will need her help and support. She is your ally in allthis

Hope that makes some sense and good luck. You are already well on the way here just need a map to find the path out of the woods.

One thing I’ll add,

Dealing with people you don’t know and dealing with people like your wife are two different things. Talking with my OH I can be the same (as can she TBH), but we thrashed out that when we get like this that it’s not personal and that sometimes we’re just abrupt and “matter of fact” without being angry or spiky. When the other takes what one says the wrong way, we back out and go “no, sorry, I wasn’t angry, just blunt” and it prevents it escalating into a pointless argument where she’s angry because I am, or I’m angry because she is, and in fact neither of us was actually angry in the first place. After a while it becomes second nature, but you need that understanding to enable a change in behaviour.

Dealing with other people, well, when you work that one out let me know. (-:

IME a simple regular meditation practice (perhaps mindfulness of breathing or similar)will make a big difference to the way you feel and behave. I get stressed very easily am quite arrogant sometimes and suffer with anxiety and an inability to relax.
when i meditate regularly ( i’ve done it for 25yrs ) I seem to change , become calmer and better to be around/more content and the anxiety and stress seem to melt away. Lots of people seem to like the headspace app to help but I can recommend Insight Timer ( paid version £2? ) which is really good allowing you to customise your sessions or choose from thousands of great guided meditations.
Also you might like to try Yoga Nidra which is also available guided on the app.
HTH
Bill

Stress can be a consequence of loss of control of one’s situation. If you find disagreements or arguments difficult to handle or stressful, you might find a book called ‘The Power Paradox’ by psychologist Dacher Keltner useful. It isn’t a self-help book, it isn’t marriage guidance, more a discussion of some theories, with practical implications.

Kaiser – That sounds familiar, I’ll set aside the time I think, I don’t see how it can hurt.

Had my first counselling session last week and half way through the counsellor said that she had repeatedly put in her notes about aspergers. She continually referred back to that thereafter.

She was careful not to make a diagnosis but made it plain that her opinion was that I had aspergers.

I’m not sure what to do with this, I’m conscious that it could become an excuse and I really want to avoid that.

I’m not sure what to do with this, I’m conscious that it could become an excuse and I really want to avoid that.

I’d worry less about the possible diagnosis and more about learning how to adjust your behaviour. Relationship counselling is 50% about understanding each other’s behaviour and 50% learning how to communicate better, which requires both parties to make an effort to change behaviour.

She was careful not to make a diagnosis but made it plain that her opinion was that I had aspergers

Then change your counsellor immediately. Aspergers is no longer a thing, she should have been aware of that and should not be using the term.

What are her credentials?
Counselling has the problem of attracting enthusiastic amateurs.

Kaiser – That sounds familiar, I’ll set aside the time I think, I don’t see how it can hurt.
Had my first counselling session last week and half way through the counsellor said that she had repeatedly put in her notes about aspergers. She continually referred back to that thereafter.
She was careful not to make a diagnosis but made it plain that her opinion was that I had aspergers.

That doesn’t sound very helpful… she not ‘making a diagnosis’ but she is clearly making an assessement and letting you know – which is as near as.

Aspergers is no longer a thing, she should have been aware of that and should not be using the term.

Unless I’m misunderstanding what you’re getting at, I’m not sure as “incorrect terminology” is a compelling reason to be kicking out a counsellor?

You are misunderstanding. Use of ‘incorrect terminology’ is not a reason to kick out a counsellor. Failure to keep up with recent changes within a largely unregulated profession, is.

What do you mean when you say aspergers is no longer a thing?

aspergers is no longer a term used in the medical world and it hasn’t been for a long time. Its ASD or Autistic spectrum disorder

Having said that I don’t think its particularly important what term is used but I would question a councillor even thinking that and especially telling the person.

thats not the sort of counselling I know.

I….agree….with….with…..T…..J.

Agreed with TJ
it’s not their place to say so at all.

Even a stopped clock is right twice a day 🙂

Failure to keep up with recent changes within a largely unregulated profession, is.

Perhaps she’s perfectly well aware and is deliberately using language that she thinks a client is more likely to understand?

“Asperger’s” may well no longer be a thing in the medical profession, but I doubt it’s going away any time soon in public. I’ve heard many more people refer to themselves as Aspie than I have saying “I have Autistic Spectrum Disorder.” “Aspie” is here to stay if only colloquially.

I would question a councillor even thinking that and especially telling the person.

It’s a good point, I did wonder the same myself (and by extension, whether it’s in a counsellor’s remit to be up to date on Asperger’s / ASD).

I’m not sure what to do with this, I’m conscious that it could become an excuse and I really want to avoid that.

It can/could become an excuse if you let it, but formal diagnosis can also be quite liberating and can open doors to help/support that otherwise would not be there.

all NHS trusts have to have a diagnostic path in place for ASD, and your first point of call would be the GP, who can refer you on, but the wait can be significant (I was initially referred by GP for a MH assessment, and they referred me on to specialist ASD team, it took just under a year for a formal diagnosis, which was on the basis of score sheets and a two hour plus interview)

IMO its a somewhat unusual thing to say and goers completely against the ethics of the counselling I was trained in. Differnt models of counselling have differnt rules tho.

As others have said CBT might be a way forward, however I would not advise a book, you can’t really get it from one! More towards group or solo with a therapist. My therapist steered me away from CBT as my mind would dissect it too much, and would destroy the group dynamic (her words not mine!).

I found it useful to realise that I am on the spectrum, not because it gives me an excuse, but rather it allows me a prism to view my behaviour through! I think that along with the therapy I developed a toolbox of strategies for interacting with people in a more positive way!

[Quote]Perhaps she’s perfectly well aware and is deliberately using language that she thinks a client is more likely to understand[/quote]

Yeah, perhaps! 😀

Keep up the fight! 😀

, whether it’s in a counsellor’s remit to be up to date on Asperger’s / ASD).

If you’re going to talk about it in a professional context? Yeah, I reckon it’s important to know about it.

Seems to me that I should be ignoring the councillors faux assessment and look to address the issues myself.

I’ll ask about a formal diagnosis but I’m not going to hang my hat on it for now.

Thank you all

There’s a certain irony to people getting all pedantic about the counsellor calling it Aspergers here.

Seems to me that I should be ignoring the councillors faux assessment

Speak to your GP in the light of what she’s said? Take the online test? I have to admit I was way ahead of her based on your OP.

And +1 for Ninfan that you could find knowledge of the condition liberating and helpful, even if you don’t go down the formal diagnosis route.

Keep up the fight!

I’ve no interest in a fight, I just thought “find a new counsellor” was a bit of an overreaction is all.

Deadpool. Its a minor issue and fairly irrelevant really. the key thing is do you get on with the counsellor? IMO that is the one critical thing in counselling. Styles etc are all secondary to that

As someone who struggles with stress management myself and who struggles to get myself out of the house unless I have a “proper” purpose, such as cycle commuting to work, try and do more aerobic exercise.

I’ve no interest in a fight, I just thought “find a new counsellor” was a bit of an overreaction is all.

Fine, in that case you tell him.that his counsellor is just fine a to stick with him.

I’m expressing an informed opinion, If you have a different one, you should express it, not just criticise mine. You already accepted that you misunderstood the initial statement with regard to finding a new counsellor. Your discussion should be with the OP, not me.

There’s a certain irony to people getting all pedantic about the counsellor calling it Aspergers here.

And I don’t really want to derail the thread, but this misrepresentation n and misunderstanding of ASD is just not helpful. Not to mention the misunderstanding of the word irony

Sorry OP.

I’m like you OP. I sporadically use mindfulness, and I’ve read a lot of self help books.

For me its my work that leads to stress, which then gives me a short fuse and I also am rubbish at communicating hindered by a very dry sense of humour which some don’t “get”.

I found that using mindfullneess principles – 10 minutes of meditation to relax, not “wanting” for material things. not reacting to others but thinking before I respond. The best thing I find is a really short (and cheap) book available in paperback and Kindle books called “The poet of acdepying yourself” by Michael Cohren. Its a really good plan English book about simple stuff, which when you actually apply then really helps.

The one very applicable to me – and perhaps this short fuse situation – is The tale of the two arrows. The basic metaphor is that, if you are in pain because someone has shot you with an arrow, would you pick up another and stab yourself with it? The example given is missing a train. Ok, so your annoyed, you’ll be late for work, you have to wait now for another 10 minutes and you’ll have to explain yourself to your boss. BUT, if you stand on the platform watching the clock slowly getting angry at further delays, stressing over the fact your perhaps could have brushed your teeth quicker, or blaming the guy that walked slowly in from of you just now aka all of which represent the second arrow, do you think it’ll get better? No. You’ll be more stressed. So forget the first train, wait patiently for the second without the above and deal with the aftermath intelligently as it comes.

That general metaphor has helped me quite a bit.

this misrepresentation n and misunderstanding of ASD is just not helpful.

I think I have a fairly good understanding of it.

Of course it’s a mistake to generalise for ASD, but a tendency towards pedantry and “being a clever clogs” is a common feature – and is something I have to deal with on a daily basis.

And being aware of this tendency can help modify its expression IME – so, y’know, I thought that comment might be helpful in a way.

🙂

I generally pretty much as myself ‘Am I about to be a cock?’ before I respond to anything potentially stressful. I’m generally quite manic and can be quite volatile.
It’s generally helped on 4 fronts, not all of which were intended.
– I say less things that make me a cock.
– My general outlook is more positive as that pause for thought allows me to see beyond my knee jerk reaction.
– My general reflection and planning skills are more positive. Some people find this in itself annoying as I’m too upbeat.
– I really focus my ire at people who I want to be upset.

If looking for a good book, I’d definitely recommend Steve Peters’ “The Chimp Paradox”
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Chimp-Paradox-Management-Programme-Confidence/dp/009193558X

He trained and worked as a forensic psychiatrist and now works with British Cycling, and lots of others.

His basic premise is that there are three main parts to your mind that shape your personality, and the main one that acts first without you having time to govern it is your inner chimp. Chimps react emotionally, they want to fight and they want to win. They’re not good, they’re not bad, they’re just chimps.

It’s an excellent approach to looking at why you think about things, and why you react to things, the way you do. And how you can understand and change it, and prepare for challenges in future.

Of course, it’s not the only approach, and not the only answer, and may not even be the answer, but I’ve found it excellent (so far) in making me think about how I react at times and – sometimes – at least making me pause before acting like a dick.

I’m expressing an informed opinion, If you have a different one, you should express it, not just criticise mine.

I wasn’t criticising anything, you’re seeing arguments that don’t exist. I don’t particularly have an opinion as I’ve no idea what sort of counsellor the OP is seeing and thus don’t believe I’m in a position to pass judgement on what she should or shouldn’t know. I was trying to understand why you held the opinion you did is all.

misunderstanding of ASD is just not helpful.

Sadly, it’s all too common.

I was once pulled up at work for allegedly being abrupt & confrontational.
When I asked for examples it turned out some tosser had taken a dislike to me because I was northern and was economical with my vocabulary ..and then several years later it appears that I’m on the autistic spectrum . You ought to ignore the last bit though…ffs.
Hope the counsellor helps .

And here I was putting a post on here cos I thought it was mainly educated and self reflective blokes with a desire for self-improvement.

Turns out we’re mostly a bunch of dysfunctional cocks on the spectrum!!!

No wonder I feel right at home.

🙂