To brighten my day 🙂

I haven’t heard any decent new jokes for months now. How about this one, which is my current fave:

A Polish girl stows away on a ship. After three days she is found and taken before the captain.

“What are you doing on my ship?” he asks.

Crap Polish accent here: “Well,you see,” she replies, “I come to UK to work as waitress and I meet this lovely Liverpool boy. We fall in love and we decide to go to USA and have lots of babies. So I hide in ship and we have very good arrangement; he bring me three meals a day and in exchange I let him **** me every day!”

“Well,” replies the captain, “you’re certainly getting ****ed love, this is the Birkenhead ferry!”

bear and a rabbit sat in the woods…bear asks the rabbit “do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?”….rabbit say “no”…so the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his arse with him….

2 chavs walking down the street and they spot a dead crocodile….one chav shouts out “look a Lacoste sleeping bag!”

The wife said to me, “I bet you can’t go one whole day without cracking a joke about my periods.”
“You’re on,” I said.

Never trust a dwarf who says your wifes hair smells nice.

Romantic films are known to ruin relationships as they give women unrealistic expectations about what to expect from men. Porn has the same effect on men.

For centuries, men and women have argued over which is more painful: being kicked in the bollocks, or giving birth.
So how can we reach an answer? Well, put it this way: about a year after a couple’s first child, a woman will often say, “Let’s have another baby.”
But I challenge you to find a man who, one year on, will turn to his mate and say, “Tell you what, Dave… kick me in the bollocks again.”

Very funny Stevied 🙂

two guys walk into a bar…the third guy ducks…

Police were called to an incident on Brighton pier yesterday. A member of the public had been reported pacing up and down shouting ‘no, No, NO!’ at the top of his voice. It later transpired that he was a yes-man on holiday.

“I bumped into an old acquaintance the other day,
he told me he had taken a job as a postman.
He said it was better than walking the streets.”

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.
I said “Do you earn a living doing that?” He said
“Yes, this is my livelihood.”

my wife’s been missing for a week now, the police came round and told me to prepare for the worst – so i nipped down the charity shop and got all her clothes back.

—–

In an Egyptian Pyramid lies a Mummy covered in Nuts and Chocolate

Archaeologists believe they have found Pharaoh Rocher

——

This bloke come up to me the other day and said
“Friera hant hatt”
I said “What?”
he said
“Rafier naht taht”
I looked at him and raised my eyebrows in a quizzical manner and he then said
“Firear thna ttah”

I said “Well mate, whatever happens, you cant say fairer than that.”

——

My wife left me for not being manly enough.

“Oooooh!” I thought, “Get her.”

——-

Turns out Brad is more of an arse man

IGMC

Asked my local newsagents the other day if he any Halls Soothers

He went out the back and came back with two fourteen year olds.

doctor, doctor!! I’ve got a steering wheel stuck in my pants….its driving me nuts!!

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It’s about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, “Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It’s going to bite one of my customers and I’m going to get sued.”
The guy says, “No no no, it’s a tame alligator. I’ll prove it to you.”
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator’s mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator’s mouth and zips up his pants and says, “See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?”
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, “Yah, I’d like to try it but I don’t think I can hold my mouth open that long!”

A man goes into a pub and orders a pint of bitter, halfway through the pint he goes for a pee.
Whilst he is away a large black lady takes his pint drops her knickers, squats over it farts and then returns it to the table.
When the man returns the barman tells him what has happened.
The man confronts the woman ‘Oi you fart in my Whitbread ?’
‘No’ she replies ‘I’m Tessa Sanderson’

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other: “How do you drive this thing?”

A strip of tarmac goes into the pub and orders a pint. After serving him, the barman asks if he wants to join his mate in the corner. Sitting in the corner is a strip of red tarmac. The strip of tarmac shakes his head violently: “I’m not going near him” it says, “he’s a cyclepath!”

Two neighbours are out walking their dogs. One guy – a German shepherd owner – says: “Let’s go in that bar over there and have a drink.” The other – a Chihuahua owner – says: “They’ll never let us in with the dogs.” The first replies: “Just follow my lead”, as he dons a pair of sunglasses. When the doorman stops him, he says: “But, this is my Seeing Eye dog”, and is allowed in. His friend quickly puts on his sunglasses and makes the same pitch to the doorman. The doorman says: “I’ve never seen a Chihuahua seeing eye dog.” To which the guy responds: “WHAT! They gave me a damn Chihuahua?!”

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil-worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?

What do you call a chicken in a shell suit? An egg!

A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and asks, “Is this some kind of joke?”

I flew over a desert island the other day and someone had written SOS in the sand. I dont know what they were sorry for.

I asked my wife to smuggle some coke through airport security last week by shoving it up her arse. I didn’t realise I could buy another tin in the departure lounge.

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Sean says to Paddy; “Dat”s Dem”. The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help.
“Yeah, we”ll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere”, says Mick, “Put dem in a pepper bag”
The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave. They get into Mick”s van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop.
“Dis looks loike a grand place”, says Mick.
He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his friend drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a loud “Splat!”
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head.
“Focket Dat,” Paddy says, “dis budgie jumpin” is too dangerous for me…”
A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and is carrying the familiar ‘pepper bag.’
Seamus pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun.
“Watch this Paddy” he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot”s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until he joins Sean”s mashed remains at the bottom of the cliff.
Paddy shakes his head and says, “An oim never troyin” that parrotshooting oider…”
After a few minutes, Danny strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and walks up with his ‘pepper bag.’
Danny pulls a chicken out of the bag. He puts the chicken above his head, holds its legs and launches himself off the cliff with the same result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
“For me life Danny, first der was Sean wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin” hengliding…”

I had a funny Freudian slip the other day. I turned to my wife over breakfast and I meant to say ‘pass the ketchup’, but instead I said ‘you f*****g bitch you’ve ruined my life’

Bloke complains to his missus that things aren’t what they used to be in the bedroom. Suggests they try some new positions to spice things up – like the wheelbarrow.
The wife says OK, but only on two conditions. First, you’ll stop if it hurts, and second, promise we won’t go past my mum’s house.

Clue in the word “New” 🙂

Why did the feminist cross the road?
To suck my c***.

Q: What is the best cheese to hide a horse in?

A: Mascarpone.

Q: How does an Australian shampoo manufacturer greet his wife each day?

A: ‘Allo Vera!

Q: How does a Welsh bomb disposal expert go about his business?

A: Very Caerphilly.

We had a cold snap last night, all the mrs has done since six o’clock last night is stand at the window shivering and scratching the glass!..
She’s still not coming in though…

A dwarf came into the pub last night wearing a tshirt that said ‘I hate blacks’
I thought ‘that’s a little racist’…

Q: What do you call a dog with two cocks?

A: N-Dubz

Q: How does a Welsh bombcheese disposal expert go about his business?

A: Very Caerphilly.

FTFY

A bra, a battery and a set of jump leads walk into a bar. The battery and the set of jump leads take a seat while the bra goes up to the bar.

The bra says to the barman, “3 pints of best ale please”

“Sorry mate” says the barman “but I can’t serve you.”

“Why not?” the bra says.

“You’re off your tits, and your friends look like they’re gunna start something.”

My neighbour was banging on my door at 3am this morning, shouting and swearing. Can you believe it, 3am! Luckily I was already up practicing my big drum solo, else I’d be complaining!

A man answers a knock at the front door to find two policemen standing there.

Policeman ” Sir, I’m afraid it looks like your wife’s been involved in an accident “

Man, ” I know, but she has a lovely personality “.

What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?

“Hallooo, meee!”

When I get home I’m going get the wifes knickers off.

‘Cos they’re killing me. 🙂

Doing some shopping yesterday and bought a couple of packs of paracetamol, woman said ‘I can’t sell you that many I’m afraid” I asked “why not?” she said “I don’t know, I suppose in case you try and top yourself”. I said, “Love, look in my basket, I’ve got a packet of Jacob’s crackers, some low fat Philadelphia and a bottle of diet coke, do I seem like a man on the edge?”

What’s a pirate’s favourite cheese?

Cheddarrrgh!

Surely gorgonzolaaargh too?

Or maybe fetaaargh, or even mozarellaaargh.

“Doctor, I keep thinking my cock is a rocket”
“how does you wife feel about this?”
“she’s over the moon”

Guy walks into the £1 Cake Shop. Points to display cabinet and says to the girl behind the counter:

“Much are they?”

“£1”, she replies.

“What about those?”

“They’re £1 as well.”

“And those?”

“£1 again. Look, mate. This is the £1 Cake Shop. Why do you think we have a big sign outside saying ‘£1 Cake Shop'”?

Guy ponders this for a bit and says, “OK, I’ll have a slice of that there.”

“That’ll be £2 please.”

“What?! I thought you said this was the £1 Cake Shop!”

“Aye, but that’s Madeira Cake.”

In bed last night and the missus reached under the covers and started playing with me. “Wow” she said “You feel huge tonight”. “You’re pulling my leg” I said.