Any new jokes?
I haven’t heard any decent new jokes for months now. How about this one, which is my current fave:
A Polish girl stows away on a ship. After three days she is found and taken before the captain.
“What are you doing on my ship?” he asks.
Crap Polish accent here: “Well,you see,” she replies, “I come to UK to work as waitress and I meet this lovely Liverpool boy. We fall in love and we decide to go to USA and have lots of babies. So I hide in ship and we have very good arrangement; he bring me three meals a day and in exchange I let him **** me every day!”
“Well,” replies the captain, “you’re certainly getting ****ed love, this is the Birkenhead ferry!”Posted 4 years agosteviedSubscriber
The wife said to me, “I bet you can’t go one whole day without cracking a joke about my periods.”
“You’re on,” I said.
Never trust a dwarf who says your wifes hair smells nice.
Romantic films are known to ruin relationships as they give women unrealistic expectations about what to expect from men. Porn has the same effect on men.
For centuries, men and women have argued over which is more painful: being kicked in the bollocks, or giving birth.Posted 4 years ago
So how can we reach an answer? Well, put it this way: about a year after a couple’s first child, a woman will often say, “Let’s have another baby.”
But I challenge you to find a man who, one year on, will turn to his mate and say, “Tell you what, Dave… kick me in the bollocks again.”BigButSlimmerBlokeMember
“I bumped into an old acquaintance the other day,
he told me he had taken a job as a postman.
He said it was better than walking the streets.”
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.Posted 4 years ago
I said “Do you earn a living doing that?” He said
“Yes, this is my livelihood.”eskayMember
my wife’s been missing for a week now, the police came round and told me to prepare for the worst – so i nipped down the charity shop and got all her clothes back.
In an Egyptian Pyramid lies a Mummy covered in Nuts and Chocolate
Archaeologists believe they have found Pharaoh Rocher
This bloke come up to me the other day and said
“Friera hant hatt”
I said “What?”
“Rafier naht taht”
I looked at him and raised my eyebrows in a quizzical manner and he then said
“Firear thna ttah”
I said “Well mate, whatever happens, you cant say fairer than that.”
My wife left me for not being manly enough.
“Oooooh!” I thought, “Get her.”
——-Posted 4 years ago
doctor, doctor!! I’ve got a steering wheel stuck in my pants….its driving me nuts!!
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It’s about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, “Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It’s going to bite one of my customers and I’m going to get sued.”
The guy says, “No no no, it’s a tame alligator. I’ll prove it to you.”
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator’s mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator’s mouth and zips up his pants and says, “See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?”
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, “Yah, I’d like to try it but I don’t think I can hold my mouth open that long!”
A man goes into a pub and orders a pint of bitter, halfway through the pint he goes for a pee.Posted 4 years ago
Whilst he is away a large black lady takes his pint drops her knickers, squats over it farts and then returns it to the table.
When the man returns the barman tells him what has happened.
The man confronts the woman ‘Oi you fart in my Whitbread ?’
‘No’ she replies ‘I’m Tessa Sanderson’
Two fish in a tank. One says to the other: “How do you drive this thing?”
A strip of tarmac goes into the pub and orders a pint. After serving him, the barman asks if he wants to join his mate in the corner. Sitting in the corner is a strip of red tarmac. The strip of tarmac shakes his head violently: “I’m not going near him” it says, “he’s a cyclepath!”
Two neighbours are out walking their dogs. One guy – a German shepherd owner – says: “Let’s go in that bar over there and have a drink.” The other – a Chihuahua owner – says: “They’ll never let us in with the dogs.” The first replies: “Just follow my lead”, as he dons a pair of sunglasses. When the doorman stops him, he says: “But, this is my Seeing Eye dog”, and is allowed in. His friend quickly puts on his sunglasses and makes the same pitch to the doorman. The doorman says: “I’ve never seen a Chihuahua seeing eye dog.” To which the guy responds: “WHAT! They gave me a damn Chihuahua?!”
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil-worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?
What do you call a chicken in a shell suit? An egg!Posted 4 years ago
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Sean says to Paddy; “Dat”s Dem”. The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help.Posted 4 years ago
“Yeah, we”ll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere”, says Mick, “Put dem in a pepper bag”
The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave. They get into Mick”s van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop.
“Dis looks loike a grand place”, says Mick.
He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his friend drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a loud “Splat!”
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head.
“Focket Dat,” Paddy says, “dis budgie jumpin” is too dangerous for me…”
A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and is carrying the familiar ‘pepper bag.’
Seamus pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun.
“Watch this Paddy” he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot”s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until he joins Sean”s mashed remains at the bottom of the cliff.
Paddy shakes his head and says, “An oim never troyin” that parrotshooting oider…”
After a few minutes, Danny strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and walks up with his ‘pepper bag.’
Danny pulls a chicken out of the bag. He puts the chicken above his head, holds its legs and launches himself off the cliff with the same result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
“For me life Danny, first der was Sean wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin” hengliding…”Garry_LagerSubscriber
Bloke complains to his missus that things aren’t what they used to be in the bedroom. Suggests they try some new positions to spice things up – like the wheelbarrow.Posted 4 years ago
The wife says OK, but only on two conditions. First, you’ll stop if it hurts, and second, promise we won’t go past my mum’s house.khaniMember
We had a cold snap last night, all the mrs has done since six o’clock last night is stand at the window shivering and scratching the glass!..
She’s still not coming in though…
A dwarf came into the pub last night wearing a tshirt that said ‘I hate blacks’Posted 4 years ago
I thought ‘that’s a little racist’…mark90Member
A bra, a battery and a set of jump leads walk into a bar. The battery and the set of jump leads take a seat while the bra goes up to the bar.
The bra says to the barman, “3 pints of best ale please”
“Sorry mate” says the barman “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” the bra says.
“You’re off your tits, and your friends look like they’re gunna start something.”Posted 4 years agoorganic355Member
Doing some shopping yesterday and bought a couple of packs of paracetamol, woman said ‘I can’t sell you that many I’m afraid” I asked “why not?” she said “I don’t know, I suppose in case you try and top yourself”. I said, “Love, look in my basket, I’ve got a packet of Jacob’s crackers, some low fat Philadelphia and a bottle of diet coke, do I seem like a man on the edge?”Posted 4 years agoStefMcDefSubscriber
Guy walks into the £1 Cake Shop. Points to display cabinet and says to the girl behind the counter:
“Much are they?”
“£1”, she replies.
“What about those?”
“They’re £1 as well.”
“£1 again. Look, mate. This is the £1 Cake Shop. Why do you think we have a big sign outside saying ‘£1 Cake Shop'”?
Guy ponders this for a bit and says, “OK, I’ll have a slice of that there.”
“That’ll be £2 please.”
“What?! I thought you said this was the £1 Cake Shop!”
“Aye, but that’s Madeira Cake.”Posted 4 years ago
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