Ageing Parents

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  • Ageing Parents
  • Premier Icon MoreCashThanDash

    Just want to mention again the importance of getting power of attorney in place sooner rather than later. Excellent piece on the subject on 5Live last week

    In the event of a sudden accident/illness rendering them incapable, you don’t want to spend 6 months fighting the system to get control of their affairs as well as dealing with the other issues.

    Actually applies in all cases, not just aged parents.


    So agree with Morecashthandash. Do it all as soon as possible. Do it with your own kids. There will be more than enough to deal with so get it sorted now.

    My Mum as even said no head stone. Ashes to be spread over a particular piece of ground. Very clear and actually very reassuring for me.

    Premier Icon Rusty Spanner

    franksinatra’s posts above are among the truest I’ve read on here.

    JulianA – Member

    I discovered earlier this year that care homes differ a lot. Looked at one that I’d happily live one and one that I wouldn’t put anyone into.
    Odd, isn’t it?

    There’s a scruffy little place near us that’s the best carehome I’ve ever been in – a genuinely happy and friendly place, decent owners, good management, superb, genuinely caring local staff.
    It’s a wonderful little place.
    The bigger place a mile down the road is okay – the level of care is good and the staff are well trianed, but there’s no laughter when you walk in, it doesn’t feel warm or welcoming.
    I know which I’d like to be in.

    Same with companies that provide care at home:
    Take your time before choosing, talk to the management, the carers and most importantly, other service users.

    They vary massively – ask about training policies, staff turnover, how they did in their last few CQC audits (and check on line!).
    Are the staff happy?
    Have they been with the company long?
    Do they get good support from the management?

    And if you do choose a company but do/don’t want certain carers looking after your relative, say so, rotas can be changed.
    Don’t assume things are being done properly – watch and ask questions.
    Good carers won’t mind and much prefer relatives to get involved.

    There are some great companies out there, but there are some shysters who genuinely could not care less about the service users or their staff.


    What is going to happen when the generation of people having children later in life become oaps?
    At present, generally speaking grandparents are around to help out with young families before getting too old to cope themselves & by then the youngest generation have grown up enough to no longer need much looking after.
    As people have kids later in life & if their kids do the same, they are going to be faced with both a young family & aged parents to deal with all at the same time.


    As people have kids later in life & if their kids do the same, they are going to be faced with both a young family & aged parents to deal with all at the same time.

    my dad is 80, my children are 3 and 1.

    Premier Icon kcal

    somewhat easier here, but sill in that ballpark squeezed generation, my mum’s 88, kids 16 (sitting Highers at the mo) and 14 (and still needing / deserving a lot of input). It’s manageable as I work from home, am flexible, and stay 1/2 mile from my mum – otherwise would be a different kettle of fish, my brain can be mince some days trying to manage it all.

    And power of attorney, so glad had it in place for my dad – he’d set it up before he became too wayward – and my mum, now. So much so that we set them in place for ourselves, we were ‘only’ 45 at the time !! That and wills, including guidance for the children’s care, expression of wish for funeral / death and so on..

    Premier Icon epicyclo

    ton – Member
    I will look after my mum to the day she dies, like she looked after me in my 1st 16yrs.

    Unfortunately sometimes it gets to the stage that 24 hour help is needed, and you simply can’t do it.

    Then it’s time for a care home as they gradually slip into oblivion and forget who you are. It’s also when it gets very expensive. Expect to pay £30,000 + per year for this. We had to pay for my f-in-l’s care and between him becoming incapable and his death, it cost us over £200,000. It also cost me my businesses because we had to come over from Australia to sort all this out, so it’s best to be nearby before they oldies lose their marbles.

    Not grudged, he was a decent guy, but it does put a bit of a hole in one’s pocket.

    So now we have to try to make up that deficit in our reserves so when we get to that stage our kids don’t have to pay.

    And that folks, is why you should vote for a party that properly cares for the week, the infirm, the incapable, and the elderly. Because one day you will be at the receiving or spending end of that equation.

    It’s also why you should have what my father called Chinese superannuation – 10 sons, so the burden can be shared. 🙂

    Premier Icon Andy R

    My mother is nearly 97 now, so I suppose it doesn’t get much more aged than that. She still lives at home although my brother, who’s four years younger than me and unmarried/no kids/not in a relationship, lives with her.
    He works four days a week, he takes Wednesdays off to break up the week a bit for her. She doesn’t walk very well without the little trolley type thing that she uses in the house but she cooks, washes, sews (her tapestry work is wonderful) but lately she’s been getting a bit down as she has quite painful arthritis in one of her shoulders and there’s not really much that can be done for it.

    Get her on a good day though and she can talk the hind leg off a donkey – this is usually when my brother isn’t around, as I suppose she’s told him all that there is to tell.
    Compared to my brother, I suppose I was always seen as the rebellious one, the one who caused my parents the most trouble, the one who always ended up getting a hiding even when it really wasn’t my fault.

    I think even now my Mum looks at me very differently from how she sees my brother, with my lifetime of playing in rock bands, spending a short time inside, riding muddy noisy motorcycles, racing sled dogs, having a parallel life in Greece and twice being married to women more attractive than I deserve. Like a sort of romantic, Byronesque character then (or not).

    Every time that I go away I know she thinks that it may be the last time she’ll ever see me but I told her that life is fragile for us all, any one of us could leave the house one morning and never come back or go to bed one night and never wake up (like my brother-in-law did four years ago).

    We’ve had our slight differences over the years (I was probably closer to, and a lot more like, my Dad) and it’s only in the last few years that I’ve finally realised just how much my Mum loves me. Funny that, how it can take sixty years…..


    My parents have already made it clear that they have fully planned their later care needs! They tend to plan ahead. they have already set themselves up with power of attorney over each other, and I have secondary power of attorney over both of them.

    And yes, some people have already mentioned that giving me secondary powers of attorney clearly indicates that they are both already suffering from senility…. 😀


    I wish i still have a mum to take care 🙁


    just a few points on carehomes. Just been through this. If a person has assets of more than £23K they have to pay care home fees themselves. In the case they don’t have this the local council will pay a standard rate for the fee, but here’s the thing…these rates are being reviewed and in our case did not cover the care home fees we wanted my Dad to go into. So we had to ‘top up’….very, very expensive.

    I did some back of a fag packet numbers and it may of been a good idea to get a live-in carer recruited directly from abroad….


    and if the person has a pension from a private providor then this will be included in the money they have and will probably be snatched by the care home providor to top up or pay for care.


    About time the Gov’t really grasped the nettle rather than prattling about around the edges. Have an insurance, like NI, we all pay throughout our working lives and that covers all later life care needs. In the round it will work out as not all elderly need the extreme level of care. At least we’re all safe in the knowledge we can be looked after rather than our families being worried sick about finding the money to pay extortionate fees.

    Premier Icon NZCol

    I’d just like to say thanks for this thread. We’ve made a big decision to move back ‘home’ as we have a small daughter and all our family is the other side of the world. I really miss my mum and sister and my wife is very close to her family. People think we are mental but actually, reading this, we made the right decision.

    Roter Stern

    At the moment my parents are relatively young (start of the seventies) but I do notice they are getting increasingly slower as I only get to physically see them a few times a year as I don’t live in the UK any more. I’m not sure what I am going to do when it gets that far as I am their only child. Luckily the rest of the family (my uncles, aunts, cousins) all live in the same town and are all pretty close knit and supportive of each other but still I don’t really want to have to burden them.

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