Viewing 40 posts - 41 through 80 (of 81 total)
  • A man is sitting in a seafood restaurant…
  • BigButSlimmerBloke
    Free Member

    bikebouy:

    More! Brilliant!

    I luv cheesy jokes.
    Yeah, they’re grate aren’t they?

    RustySpanner
    Full Member

    “Bobby Sands has eaten all the sandwiches!”

    Very popular in Mount Carmel RC Junior School at the time…

    warton
    Free Member

    Two chaps meet in the street. One produces, from his trouser pocket, a rather poorly-looking octopus and hands it over, saying, “here’s the sick squid I owe you!”

    that doesn’t even work. for it to be remotely funny it needs to be set in the ocean.

    annebr, it’s supposed to be ‘6 quid’

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    Cougar
    Full Member

    Mount Carmel RC Junior School

    I live just round the corner from there. Toffee Hill, we used to call it.

    Cougar
    Full Member

    A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. “I think it’s raining”, he said to his wife. “No, that felt more like snow to me”, she replied. “No, I’m sure it was just rain” he said.

    Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.

    “Let’s not fight about it”, the man said, “Let’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether it’s officially raining or snowing.” As the official approached, the man said “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?” “It’s raining, of course”, he replied, and walked on.

    But the woman insisted: “I know that felt like snow!”, to which the man quietly replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

    Cougar
    Full Member

    Police have warned the public to be on the look out for a Muslim man and a rodent with an eye patch who are on the loose.

    The Public are advised not to approach the pair if they are seen as they’re Ahmed and Dangermouse.

    Cougar
    Full Member

    The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.

    As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye.

    “Just Released: New LP – Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make – available now!”

    Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

    “I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I’d very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window.”

    “Certainly, Sir,” says the young man behind the counter. “If you’d like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I’ll put the LP on for you.”

    The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

    Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, “I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those.”

    “I’m sorry sir,” says the young assistant. “If you’d care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes.”

    The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

    Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head.

    “I don’t understand it,” he says, “I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can’t recognise any of those!”

    “I’m terribly sorry, sir” says the young man, “perhaps if you’d like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes.”

    Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth.

    Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.

    “I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP.”

    “I really am terribly sorry,” says the young assistant. “I’ve just realised I was playing you the bee side.”

    Cougar
    Full Member

    A guy goes to the doctor. “Doctor,” he says. “I need your help. I think I’m a moth.”

    “I can’t help you, ” says the doctor. “I’m just a general practitioner. You need a psychiatrist.”

    “Well, I was on the way to the psychiatrist,” says the guy, “but then I saw your light was on…”

    creagbhan
    Full Member

    A farmer is leaning on a gate watching his dog lick its nether regions.

    A townie walks up,leans on the gate and joins him in warching the dog.

    After a few minutes the townie sighs and says “I wish I could do that.”

    The farmer looks at the townie and replies “I’m sure be would let you if you gave him a biscuit.”

    Cougar
    Full Member

    I was in China last year. I wasn’t having any luck with the ladies, then I found a book called How To Woo, so I bought it thinking it might help me with my seduction techniques.

    Turns out it was just Volume 2 of the Chinese phone book…

    66deg
    Free Member

    Cougar’s on a roll (missed vocation me thinks).

    Cougar
    Full Member

    A policeman stopped a mate of mine for speeding and says he’s going to give him a ticket.

    My mate, ever the wag, says “oh goody, is it a raffle?”

    “Sort of, sir,” replies the copper, “three more of these and you get a push bike.”

    Cougar
    Full Member

    Two blokes in a graveyard pass each other, walking their dogs.

    First bloke says to the second: ‘Morning…’

    Second bloke replies: ‘No, I’m just here walking the dog.’

    Cougar
    Full Member

    A man crashed his mountain bike, died, and went to heaven.

    As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

    St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

    “Oh,” said the man. He looks closer and spots a clock which is set at midnight. “whose clock is that?” he asks.

    “That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

    “Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”

    St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”

    “Amazing.” says the man. “Hey listen, I used to be a keen cyclist, and I was wondering… could I see Lance Armstrong’s clock?”

    “Sorry mate, that’s off limits. We keep Armstrong’s clock in Jesus’s office, he uses it as a ceiling fan.”

    bikebouy
    Free Member

    😆

    These are brightening up my meetings no end!

    Last day before a few weeks off and these are cheering me up no end.. 😀

    Torminalis
    Free Member

    Bloke is walking down the road and sees an advert in a shop window for a cock sucking frog. He gives it a test run and, fully satisfied, takes it home to his wife who asks “What am I supposed to do with that?”

    “Teach it to cook and then **** off.”

    njee20
    Free Member

    Yorkshire man takes his ill cat to the vet. He says to him:

    “Got problem wit’ cat”

    Vet: “Is he a tom?”

    Man: “No, he’s here in’t basket”.

    I’m here all week, try the fish. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.

    Mildly embarrassed to say that I properly lol’d at the OP, in the office.

    annebr
    Free Member

    warton – Member

    Two chaps meet in the street. One produces, from his trouser pocket, a rather poorly-looking octopus and hands it over, saying, “here’s the sick squid I owe you!”

    that doesn’t even work. for it to be remotely funny it needs to be set in the ocean.

    annebr, it’s supposed to be ‘6 quid’

    nah I meant the hairy lip squid. 😕

    leffeboy
    Full Member

    for annebr @45s as it gets stripped off the URL for some reason
    [video]http://youtu.be/u4rXDKU_m-w?t=45s[/video]

    66deg
    Free Member

    A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.

    “Did you smell that food?” she asked. “It’s Incredible!”

    Being a ‘kind-hearted Scotsman’, he thought, “What the heck…, I’ll treat her!

    So, they walked past it again…

    10
    Full Member

    I remember the punch line to the Duran Duran joke, infact it’s how I sing the song, but I couldn’t recall the rest of the joke. Thanks!

    MrWoppit
    Free Member

    This one’s for “Torminalis”, mostly.

    A bloke comes home and finds his wife laughing her head off.

    When he asks what gives, she says “Pack your bags, I’ve won the lottery.”

    He says “Great. Where are we going?”

    So she says:

    “What do you mean, we“…

    Scapegoat
    Full Member

    Now that one works better with
    “Pack your bags, I’ve won the lottery.”
    “What do I pack? winter clothes, summer clothes?”
    “Just pack the lot and **** off.”

    konabunny
    Free Member

    “kayak23 – Member
    Timeless classic. Well done.
    POSTED 1 WEEK AGO # REPORT-POST”

    Shirley the fairy liquid gag has a pretty defined timeframe: when they stopped using the slogan or when people stopped doing washing up by hand, whichever came first?

    mav12
    Free Member

    two guys walking past a pub and one says look at this sign pint pastie and blowjob £4 lets go and investigate they go into pub and and theres a goegues busty blonde behind the bar cani help she says just saw the sign in the window thats right she says offer to get punters in here hmmm bloke says who gives the blow job me says fit busty blonde

    struggling to get £4 out of his pocket as fast as he can his mate pipes up hold on a minute i have a question yes sure what is it say busty blonde guy asks is it a ginsters pastie

    bencooper
    Free Member

    Comedy is all about timing punctuation…

    neilthewheel
    Full Member

    Comedy is all about timing punctuation…

    😀
    Ooh, ooh, I’ve written a joke just for you! copyright and all that….

    “God says to Noah, “Noah, the world is full of evil. I intend to flood it and drown everything on it. Only your family will be spared. I want you to build an ark and fill it with two of every kind of animal.”
    Noah says, “Yes, Lord!” But secretly he’s a bit peed off because he wanted to go mountain biking. So he leaves building the ark until the last minute, and what with fettling his bike and so on it ends up a bit of a rush job.
    Well, the storm clouds are gathering so he starts rounding up two of every kind of animal and herding them onto his ramshackle ark. On they go, two by two, except for the gorillas. They are about to embark but one of them takes a look at the state of the vessel, jumps onto Noah’s mountain bike and pedals off.
    “Where’s he going?” Noah’s wife (Nellie) asks the other gorilla.
    “Oh, he’s just realised,” the Gorilla replies, “Noah’s Ark is worse than his bike!”

    njee20
    Free Member

    Comedy is all about timing punctuation…

    Just what I was about to write!

    racefaceec90
    Full Member

    for the op 😀

    surroundedbyhills
    Free Member

    A bear needs to take shit in the woods so he goes behind a tree to make his deposit, a rabbit appears from around the tree and ask what he’s doing.. The bears replies with “Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?” “No” says the Rabbit. So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his arse with it.

    cranberry
    Free Member

    i dont want to start any rumours but i think mav12 once helped his uncle jack off a horse

    😉

    konabunny
    Free Member

    that is wrong. either uncle shouldn’t be capitalized or the commas are redundant

    ElectricWorry
    Free Member

    A fine punchline if you know a bit about the American countryside:

    “Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.”

    Can never remember the rest of the damn joke though.

    joolsburger
    Free Member

    A penguin takes his car to the garage for repairs to the engine and is asked to come back in an hour. He goes off for a walk and it’s a warm day so he soon over heats. On his walk back to the garage he sees an ice cream van so he gets a double cone to help him cool down.
    He arrives back at the garage and the mechanic says “looks like you’ve blown a seal mate”, “no that’s just ice cream” says the penguin.

    JulianA
    Free Member

    I saw a 2ft wooden box in a junk shop the other day with a voice coming out of it foretelling the future so I bought it for £3.

    Solid it two days later at auction for £5 – I knew there was a little profit in it.

    Lester
    Free Member

    i woke up yesterday with lots of little golden discs all over me
    i soon realised i had ebolacornflakes

    i woke up today with a round black thing on my head
    i soon realised i had ebolahat

    tomorrow i am going to wake feeling sweaty with red stuff poring out of my head

    i will soon realise i have ebolasoup

    yossarian
    Free Member

    No way I can filter this properly for here: http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/o6zod/the_tourettes_pianist/

    jamiesilo
    Free Member

    someone roll out the native american trigonometry joke for me ey?

    Cougar
    Full Member

    So the Indian chief made love to his three wives. The first he slept with on a buffalo hide, and she later gave birth to a son.

    The second he slept with on a zebra pelt, and she also gave birth to a son.

    The third, he slept with on a hippo skin, and she gave him twin boys.

    Which goes to show, the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.

    (that one?)

    jamiesilo
    Free Member

    yup, but i heard it as a visiting chief buying wives, ‘why’s that one more expensive?’ etc.

Viewing 40 posts - 41 through 80 (of 81 total)

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