- A man is sitting in a seafood restaurant…
…the waiter approaches and asks what he would like.
“Squid.” replies the man.
“Would you like to pick your squid from the tank sir?” asks the waiter.
“Yes please, I’ll have that one.” The man points to a small, frightened looking green squid with hairs on its lips.
“Very good sir, I’ll just get the chef out to kill it then cook it for you as soon as possible,” said the waiter. “Gervais! A squid for you!”
The chef, Gervais, approaches the tank, removes the terrified squid, lips hairs trembling, and positioned his meat cleaver above it. He is just about to strike the squid when he drops the cleaver to the floor and wails “I can’t kill the poor little thing.” And runs away sobbing.
“Doesn’t matter sir,” said the waiter, “I will ask the dishwasher, Hans, if he will kill it instead.”
Hans, a big burly man with massive arms, approaches the table, picks up the meat cleaver and prepares to chop up the shivering squid. He looks it in the eye, then breaks down crying. “I can’t hurt this poor little squid.” He is inconsolable.
The waiter turns to the customer and shrugs and says. “Hans, who does dishes, can be soft as Gervais with mild green hairy lip squid.”
😳Posted 5 years ago
Sheep farmer in a field with his sheep and his sheep dog, doing whatever should be done, when a passer by, on his way to the seafood restaurant in town, happens to hear the farmer call the dog “Bra”. Filled with curiousity, the passer by asks the farmer, why have you named your sheep dog, “Bra”.
Farmer replies: “I named my sheep dog Bra, as he rounds them up and points them in the right direction”.Posted 5 years ago
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the cashier.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. “Miss Whack, I’d like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday.”
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall – bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”
The bank manager looks back at her and says, “It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”Posted 5 years agoNobbySubscriber
A piece of road walks into a bar and declares to all its occupants: “I’m the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole of this town!”
The piano player stops and the bar goes deadly silent. After a brief pause, all eyes drop, the pianist returns to playing and the piece of road pulls up a bar stool and settles down to a beer.
Five minutes later, a piece of dual carriageway throws open the bar door. Once again, the bar goes silent but for the creaking of the slow-moving overhead fans.
The dual carriageway declares: “I’m the toughest piece of bitumen you’ll ever see this side of the border!”
The piece of road slowly turns and locks eyes with the piece of dual carriageway. The tension mounts, other drinkers scatter and take cover.
At that precise moment, in walks a piece of freeway which says: “I’m the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole country and I’ll take you both on!”
And there they stood in a three-way Mexican stand-off for what seemed like an eternity.
Once again, the door opens and, into the middle of the stand-off, walks a strange-looking piece of coloured bitumen with a blue stripe. The other three turn their backs to the door, sit down at the bar and stare sheepishly into their drinks.
The bartender sidles up to the three of them and asks what the problem is. “Shhhh!”, says the dual carriageway, “Watch what you say, that guy’s a real cycle path.”Posted 5 years agofasthaggisMember
Once upon a time two prawns were swimming around in the sea – one called Justin and the other called Christian.Posted 5 years ago
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, “I’m fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn’t have any worries .”
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, “Your wish is granted” and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
After a while Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates swam away whenever he came close to them.
This made Justin very sad.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He begged the cod to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he was a prawn once more.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn’t see his old pal.
“Where’s Christian?” he asked.
“He’s at home, still distraught that his best friend became a shark”, came the reply.
Justin set off to find Christian .
He banged on the door of Justin’s house and shouted,”It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.”
Christian replied, “No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re a shark, I’ll not be tricked into being your dinner.”
Justin cried back “No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed.”
“I’ve found Cod. I’m a Prawn again, Christian!”
…and a fave of mine that used to appear in rag mags of the era:Posted 5 years ago
An American tourist is walking along a street in Dublin. He stops a local and says, “excuse me sir, what does that yellow line painted along the edge of the road mean?”
The fellow says, “ah, sir, that means no parking at all.”
“I see,” says the tourist, “and what does it mean if there are two yellow lines?”
“Ah, that means no parking at all, at all!”langyladMember
Just the punchline to this one;
‘Pardon me boss, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes’
The Romans, in an effort to keep up with the speedier Egyptian boats, build a super long Long Boat with hundreds of slaves to row it.
On it’s maiden voyage, the Roman captain stands at the rear of the ship, but there is a problem because the slaves at the front are so far away they can’t hear the beat of the bong at the back of the ship which gives them the rhythm to row to.
The Captain is not to be defeated by this and he gets a much larger bong, but the slaves still can’t here it.
The captain decides to move the bong to the middle of the ship but it is so heavy they can’t move it. He orders a slave to be killed, they place the bong on his chest and start to drag it to the middle of the ship.
At this point a general turns up and asks the captain what on earth they are doing.
‘We’re dragging a bong on the chest of a slave and the sun is in the sky’
Both punchlines need to be sung 😀Posted 5 years ago
There was a bear and a rabbit who hated each other and one day, walking through the forest they lived in they found a magical lamp. After a bit of fighting over it the bear took it and rubbed it, hoping for a genie to come out. When the genie came out of his lamp he promised the bear and the rabbit three wishes for each for releasing him from his lamp.Posted 5 years ago
The bear immediately said “I want all the bears in this forest to be female” The genie granted his wish.
The rabbit thought about what to ask for a while and finally said “I want a motorbike helmet”. The helmet appeared in front of him and he promptly put it on his head.
The bear was confused about the rabbit’s wish but carried on with his second wish. “I want all the bears from the neighbouring forests to be female”.
The rabbit then said “I want a motorbike”.
The bear just couldn’t believe how strange the rabbit’s wishes were and shaking his head wished “I want all the bears in the world to be female” and the genie granted his wish.
The rabbit got on his new bike and rode off, and when he was some 50 metres away from the bear he yelled “I wish that the bear was gay!!”NobbySubscriber
Ahh, the 80’s
Duran Duran on their latest world tour played 10 consecutive nights in Cancun at the end of which they were knackered. Back at the hotel they decide to have a quiet night. It’s late and the restaurant is closing so they send their favourite roadie, Arthur, to find them something to eat.
An hour later he returns with a basket of fruit as it was all he could find and four of the band dive in whilst Simon Le Bon is in the toilet. By the time he emerges there’s only a couple of prickly pears left. “I can’t eat those spiky things” he says so Arthur offers to remove the prickles. “It’ll only take me five minutes” he says to which Le Bon replies, “I’m too tired to wait. Don’t shave a pear for me now, shave it in the morning, Arthur”.Posted 5 years ago
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