A Jakey's Guide to Bicycle Maintenance

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  • A Jakey's Guide to Bicycle Maintenance
  • 1. Just because you’ve never figured out what WD40 is actually for doesn’t mean you shouldn’t liberally apply it to every single part of the bike. Any part of the bike which doesn’t appear suitably sticky and oily after this should then be generously smeared with grease, which should also be packed into the headtube for no apparent reason.

    2. Brakes. As a pikey little scrote gifted with an inquisitive mind, there is no reason why you shouldn’t investigate those tempting looking but otherwise perfectly functional brakes, preferrably with your screwdriver. Suggested maintenance procedures include oiling the rotors to stop the brake squeeking, disconnecting the brake hose but then getting bored and haphazardly re-connecting it, and, for reasons best known to yourself, jamming thin shards of metal behind the pads. On no account should the brakes work well, if at all, by the time you’re finished.

    3. Wheels. In order to lend your new prize a certain je ne sais quoi you should give serious thought to wreaking your terrible brand of maintenance on the bike’s wheels. At the very least, it is imperative that you remove any components that match, or indeed, are even appropriate to the bike. 2.4″ freeride tyres matched to 1″ slicks is the sort of angle you should aim to achieve. If this is not possible, you should at least attempt to defy commonly held beliefs about tyre wear by somehow contriving to wear the front tyre almost flat along its central tread while leaving the back tyre unscathed.

    4. Saddles. Stealing saddles is old hat these days, and you should aspire to pikier things than merely swapping your stolen saddle for another one. Instead, adjust the angle of the saddle, not so much as to be obvious, but enough that the angle of the saddle doesn’t match the angle of any other part of the bike. The over-all effect should be somewhat uncomfortable to look at while at the same time cheapening the look of the whole bike by at least half its value.

    5. Rust. Storing the $4000 dollar full suspension bike outside your squat is not enough. Instead, you should specifically paint all bolts, in particular pivot bolts and stem top cap bolts, with salt water. Don’t forget to splash some over the brakes as well, if you haven’t already manage to render them completely inoperable, that should finish them off.

    6. Odor. Following step one should have resulted in a bike which reeks of solvent and grease. However, the dark art exists amongst the elder pikeys of developing your bike a unique and disturbing musk which will require repeated cleans in neat Fenwicks to remove. This musk should be redolent of the smells of the filthy little crack-den you call home, such as cooking fat, cheap hash, lynx deodorant and incense. The overall effect should be to make the original owner, upon recovering the bike, immediately wish they hadn’t.

    …inspired by a disgusting evening stripping and rebuilding my stolen and recovered Specialized. It seemed a lot funnier in my own head though… 😆





    Good to know you got it back. Make a live change
    That sort of special tinkering is not just for those who steal things
    See all sorts of crazy things people do to there own bikes

    DrP, I wondered about that, seems almost spammy but isn’t selling anything…

    orangeboy, I kinda know what you mean, probably guilty of a few of those things myself when I was a kid, I was definitely a bit heavy on the old GT85…

    Premier Icon Angus Wells

    There is a similar blatant sales post in the Bike Fettling thread.


    Nothing but empathy here, I feel dirtied (both literally and figuratively) every time I have to work on one.

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