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12 Week Scan; No Heartbeat.
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jamj1974Full MemberPosted 7 years agoTake care of yourselves and each other. Come back here if you need support and shared understanding of what it is like – there is loads as you can see from everyone who has posted already.
Thinking of you sundayjumper and your partner too.
eemyFree MemberPosted 7 years agoSo sorry that you have to go through this. It is a terrible time. On the one year anniversary we lit a candle and put it in the window. Sounds a bit trite, but it was also a nice way to remember.
flapsFree MemberPosted 7 years ago🙁 Been there twice too. Hardest thing I’ve been through.
Wife kept bleeding during her eventual pregnancy with our eldest, every time we thought the worst again but that eventually turned out ok.
funkmasterpFull MemberPosted 7 years agoSo sorry Sunday. What can be said has already been said by others. My thoughts are with you and your family. Take care of each other.
shakers97Free MemberPosted 7 years agoWe went through the same thing with our second. It’s really really tough but you’ll get through it. This is just one of those things and neither of you did anything wrong.
SundayjumperFull MemberPosted 7 years agoThank you everyone. I really hadn’t realised how common this is, the number of folk replying here bears it out.
We already have a daughter, she’s three now, and was an IVF baby. We’d tried naturally for years with no luck before doing IVF and it worked on the first attempt. Everything was textbook from start to finish. We knew we’d been very lucky. Last year we decided she should have a sibling. First cycle did not work at all. Second cycle appeared to work, but then the lines faded and my wife miscarried after just a couple of weeks. Third cycle – this one – started well. Then we had a miscarriage scare in Feb at about four weeks. Scans at 5 & 7 weeks were both good though and we thought we were all clear; until today’s bombshell. My wife had been having morning sickness and all the other symptoms right up to today, we had absolutely no reason to think there was anything wrong.
We’re both taking a bit of time off work to get ourselves together. We know there’s nothing we can really do right now. We’ll just try and take it easy, and get through the weekend before making any big decisions.
beamersFull MemberPosted 7 years agoBeen there too – Sucks big time. The memory of the experience you are going through is seared into my memory for ever more.
As other have said above it’s natures way and you couldn’t have done anything about it.
jimdubleyouFull MemberPosted 7 years agoFeel for you buddy.
We had multiple rounds of IVF with no joy (or temporary joy followed by crushing devastation). We’ve given up now, but if I’ve got one bit of advice it’s use the counselling from whoever is doing your IVF (they should provide it for free).
We thought we were coping with the grief, we weren’t. Looking up now, and starting to think of the future – whatever that brings.
thejesmonddingoFull MemberPosted 7 years agoWe decided to have a family,and after 15 months wife became pregnant and we had our eldest son,now 22.We kept trying without success,miscarried at 10 weeks twice,and discussed fertility treatment,then decided to adopt.First adoption a boy just before his second birthday,a wonderful experience,until he died in an RTA just before he 3rd birthday.Second adoption an 11 month old girl,who is now 14 years old and bossing the house.Just to say there are lots of doors open and good luck in the future
skiboyFree MemberPosted 7 years agoBeen there too, We had young daughter already which helped get through it. It’s not so hard on the men folk but it’s really tough if you are the one who did all the carrying etc. It took my wife a little longer to get over it but we did with no real issues, a year later she delivered another beautiful girl. What surprised us too was how many people who had also gone through it. It seemed to be every other couple !!
take time to grieve , look after your mrs and give her lots of love and hope.
atb
sandboyFull MemberPosted 7 years agoAs everyone has said, its more common than you ever realised. Just let out the emotions and be there for each other. Big hugs to you both!!
akiraFull MemberPosted 7 years agoDreadful thing, just make sure no one ends up running silent and blaming themselves for something that is nobodys fault.
tomfunFull MemberPosted 7 years agoa lot of it has already been said but people just don’t understand how common it is. We have 2 kids but had 6 pregnancies.
My wife found it really hard initially as she wasn’t aware of how common it was, it really helped her when she started speaking to other people and finding out herself how common it really is.
user-removedFree MemberPosted 7 years agoSo sorry man. Eventually this thread will drop off the bottom of the page and you and your partner will be alone. Just remember you’re not really alone, as this thread shows. If it helps, give it a bit of stiff upper lip when around your partner. Positive thinking and self reliance.
I well remember the bottom falling out of my world when we were told that our baby was almost certainly going to be affected by Down’s Syndrome. Turned out that was the least of our worries and eventually we tried again. He’s four now. Impossible not to use platitudes but there’s always the next time, and the next.
SaxonRiderFree MemberPosted 7 years agojimdubleyou offers good advice.
Loss like this in the first 12 weeks is common, but that is no consolation. Just let yourselves cry if you need to, and when the time comes and it feels right, try again.
My very best wishes.
northshoreniallFull MemberPosted 7 years agoHave my sympathies, we were there September last year after 3 rounds ivf we eventually got to 8 weeks of pregnancy.
Definitely jimdubleyou advice – I didn’t at time and am in process accessing counselling through work as it’s hitting hard now – baby would have been due last week 🙁
Support each other and don’t be afraid discuss with mates/ family/ here – my riding buddies were awesome, probably more supportive than my wife found her friends to be!
globaltiFree MemberPosted 7 years agoThe outpouring of sympathy and advice on here is amazing. Mrs Gti and I only managed one pregnancy (we married late in life) and it went smoothly and we have a beautiful child. I can only think that if something terrible had happened my attitude would have been that it was Nature’s way and probably for the best. Sympathy to you both.
cubistFree MemberPosted 7 years agoMy thoughts go out to you and your wife. We had this with our first pregnancy and as has been said above its pretty common. Doesn’t make it any easier knowing that though. For me I hadn’t even considered things might not have been anything other than perfect until the sledgehammer hit me during the scan. I found it a very difficult type of grief to articulate at the time as what I was grieving wasn’t so much a person as the dream of my future life I had been nurturing for the past 8 weeks. We now have 2 healthy kids and during both pregnancies those first scans were terrifying.
My wife struggles with anxiety at the best of times and her way of coping with the following pregnancies was to not really focus on the future. To the point of us not even buying the ridiculous amount of stuff we were told we needed until after the baby was born. I am not sure if that was the best approach but it worked for her.
dashedFree MemberPosted 7 years agoAnother one here who’s been through it. Lost 2 last year, one at 6 weeks; tried again and lost the 2nd at 8 weeks. Pregnant again now and had an early scan last week at 7 weeks – first positive scan either of us have seen and quite emotional. No idea whether this one will work out, but the wife is on a load of drugs to help – she got referred to the recurrent miscarriage clinic who have been quite simply amazing. Might be an option to ask about – varies by hospital as to how many miscarriages you need before they’ll refer you though I think.
On the practical side (I think it was jekkyl who mentioned this earlier) – two options, drugs or surgical. First time around my wife went for drugs as she’d already started to miscarry and was bleeding very heavily. It was horrible – incredibly painful and basically like giving birth without any of the benefits. Second time was more planned as picked up by no heartbeat on a scan, and opted for surgery. It’s a general anesthetic and not without risk but she found the whole thing much easier. Quite weak and tired for a few days afterwards in both cases – so make sure you look after her.
willardFull MemberPosted 7 years agoTalking helps enormously; be there for each other and be open and honest about how you feel if and when you talk. You are not alone in this; you have each other and that is a huge thing.
There’s not much more I can say to help, but I understand what you are going through (Lost one at 7 weeks, then three more between 16 and 21 weeks).
Be there for each other.
northshoreniallFull MemberPosted 7 years agoAgree with dashed, if necessary surgical was the preferred option with us – fortunately our consultant agreed as medicine is NICE recommended I believe now. It prevents it dragging on and potentially needing surgery further along.
Hope you guys are doing ok today, you will both be mentally and physically exhausted. Take time and let people help you.
dashedFree MemberPosted 7 years agoAnd just to reiterate – you haven’t done anything wrong. You’ll both (probably!) beat yourselves up about “what if I hadn’t done…” kinda stuff. Particularly your wife I guess. Mine was really worried she’d overdone it with the exercise or had done something to cause it.
At the end of the day, it won’t have made any difference whatsoever. Sometime these things work out, and sadly sometimes they don’t.
amediasFree MemberPosted 7 years agoSundayjumper – So sorry to hear this, my thoughts with you and your wife.
Another one here who has been through it (last year) + some fairly awful and terrifying complications afterwards, there’s loads of good advice here already and you’ll both deal with it in your own ways, but communication and talking can help massively.
Be prepared for this to affect you a lot longer than you expect, and in ways you don’t expect too, we are over a year on now and still struggling at times, even reading this thread has made me tear up at work for you (all). This is the single most important bit to remember though:
Take care of each other.
I’ve said this on here before but anyone going through the same or similar feel free to PM or email me, I may not be any help but if you want to talk/vent/discuss anything then my email is in my profile.
Or if you’re nearby and just want to go for a ride…
JunkyardFree MemberPosted 7 years agoI have nothing useful to add to this discussion but thoughts go out to the OP and his wife
I have had friends go through this and it is tough at the time for all those involved.
Both couples went on to have further happy healthy children and I am sure you will as well.
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