The new automated message on our corporate conference line, spoken by an American of course. I'm struggling with the legitimacy of this statement. Any thoughts?

"there is no hold music" might have been clearer.

how can they know what's going on in your other ear?

Better than crappy music, no?

maybe the hold music is Ciccone Youth – Silence or John Cage's – 4'33"

But it does beg the question…can you actually hear silence?

Clearly. Same as you can see black.

You can observe the lack of something fairly easily.

I'd argue you can't actually see true black (ie the absence of colour). Hence why "black" paint is actually not really black at all.

"Hence why "black" paint is actually not really black at all."

[father ted voice]

It's just very, very, very, very, very dark blue.

[/father ted voice]

silence is not really silence either

the closest you are going to get outside vacuum is an anechoic chamber. I've been in one and it's very, very odd

it wont be silence though. there will be crackly interference and inane chatter from your equally bored colleagues, waiting for another meeting where they repress their true feelings on anything simply to nod and agree with the latest corporate blandness and bullshit. all in exchange for an easy life.

at least thats what its like here.

Maybe they should re-phrase it.

"You will now hear complete silence. Perhaps you could take a moment for some quiet refection about your place in the world? The frailty of human existence? The ultimate pointlessness of it. Don't hold back now. You go on and have a little cry"

Americans just like the sound of certain words so they use them – regardless of meaning.

If you fly with an American airline, they state "we will be landing momentarily". All the British people on the plane look around and do a landing and take-off movement with their hands. The Americans, however, understand what was meant.

Define hearing. Hearing, to me, would be the use of your ears to detect and identify the magnitude and frequency of pressure waves in the air. All you're doing is detecting zero amplitude, so you can hear silence.

I'd argue you can't actually see true black (ie the absence of colour).

Yes you can. Put the palms of your hands securely over your eye sockets, and open your eyes. What do you see? Blackness.

Hmm yes, I think I'll just blame the Americans. Ironically, soon after the message, the woman starts talking again, thus completely ruining the "silence". In fairness to her, she did say we "may" hear some silence, and didn't say exactly how much.

It's a slow day today.

Yes you can. Put the palms of your hands securely over your eye sockets, and open your eyes. What do you see? Blackness.

I see all sorts of colour splodges, definitely not "nothing" (or "black"). I guess that might explain the headaches…

Americans come up with the biggest load of waffle in the corporate environment. The one that particularly irks me is, 'reach out', as in, 'please reach out to this person', or 'thank you for reaching out'.

Ridiculous.

Oh, and teleconferences are small insights into what Hell will be like.