Only if closely followed by ‘ten quid for a spectators ticket? Christ on a bike’

Shouldn’t that be “Christ on a bike that’s cheaper than a nights camping in the New Forest and you get a music festival, beer festival and to watch people do stupid stuff on bikes”

no.

pint of ipa please

I’m finding the good old fall back of “Tosser” when referring to any random chance encounter with the motoring-death-squad is doing it for me at the minute…

bolloxy sh*te is my most commonly used one!!
Strange how I manage to refrain from using in front of a class of 6 yr olds but it manages to slip out about every 10 minutes at home!

Oh, and “for f*ck’s sake”!!
I am thoroughly ashamed of my foul mouth, especially when kids constantly tell me off!! 😳

Must try harder!

that’s f**ked it..
cock!! my expletive of choice these days, probably too much top gear

okaaaaaaaaaay!

as a replacement for er . . . your a bit mad aren’t you!

just cos youve got hairs round you lips doesnt mean you have to talk like a *unt

“I’d tap that”

“the bell is a signal for ME not you”

“walk don’t run”

“you’d just as well s**t in yer hand and punch it”
“s**k my ‘tater”
“blimey charlie”

S**t the bed – I seem to use that rather a lot as an exclamation for some reason

That’s a favourite of mine, too! Strangely, the first time I heard it, was on TV, with Lionel Blair, of all people, using it.

I used it loads when I shared a place with others. One of me flatmates was in Africa, Tanzania I think, and saw something that surprised her. She said she heard herself say ‘Shit the…’ then realised what she was saying. She hated the fact that something she told me off about, she almost ended up using herself.

Most of mine seem to involve the words shit, bastard, f*ck, and c*nt.

And Jesus Christ. Which is incredibly disrespectful to Christians.

‘Christ on a bike’ is one I use a fair bit. Not at work, though.

Actually, Christ is something that creeps in, too.

‘Shitting Jesus’ is praps one of my worst.

I actually have a lot of respect for Christianity, and many of it’s followers. As I do for all religions.

“She had a fanny like a wizards sleeve/clowns pocket”

Sadly, it would appear I’ve used this a fair bit in the past…

“f#*k it”
” thats what we likeeeee”
“prick, wankerrrrrrr” – hot fuzz
“thats what she said” – can be used to finish people sentences in a crude way

safe for work: muppets, flippin’ ‘eck (good for diverting an errant fffff into something slightly more ‘professional’)

not safe for work: knobshine, ****, bellend, etc. Niche cursing if at all possible.

‘I wouldn’t touch her with a ten foot stunt-cock’ is one of my current favourites….

Along with ‘And which of the words “Accident” and “Emergency” are you having the most difficulty with?’

“that stinks” – usually after letting rip.

Along with ‘And which of the words “Accident” and “Emergency” are you having the most difficulty with?’

Yes, but you are a doctor.

A Doctor of Death.

‘Sh1t the bed’
‘F”ck me a bus’
‘Spiders’
‘Nurse’

and most alarmingly, for at least 25 years I have regularly exclaimed…

‘God me Kev’s eyes’

– but I can’t remember the origins of this.

a monkey in a skirt is still a monkey

“Voldemorts Nipple”

I just watched all 5 H’ry P’tr movies with my lad,took us a week, and the nipple thing comes from Potter

Puppet Palls off Youtube.

Load of B$%%^ks but geat fun

“If your looking for sympathy its between sh!t & syphillis in the dictionary..”

‘She’s like a DC 10………………….guaranteed to go down!

“do your self a favour and disappear”

“silly bolloxs”

“its on a need to know basis and guess what??”

“ram it / poke it”

“Never in a world of pig’s pudding”

One of my Dad’s – must use it more myself. Say in a proper Black Country accent for maximum effect

dont know if this is a bristol thing but a few of my mates say ‘standard’ half way through a conversation instead of yes or thats right. personally super rad seems to come out my gob too much…….

Any port in a storm.

greetings:”hello poof” “aight, bender!”
“cheers poof(s)” – said this last night at a party. having a few drinks and i asked one of the guys which of the women he’d like to **** in the room. he said none of them. i said “bender”. turns out the other guy was his boyfriend. oops.

“genau” – exactly in german.
“geil” – meaning awesome but also as in “she was so wet/horny” “sie war echt geil”

“bollocks” and “tits” when something goes wrong.

A good one in the we use in the force’s for useless Sgt’s is “fooking aquafresh” (a tube with 3 stripes)

I use “have a word” alot when someone is speaking rubbish to me.

rad to the power of sick

and

we’re not at home to Mr negative/miserable/rude etc.

There will be a pigs foot on it in the morning.

A phrase of my grandmothers if you made a fuss about hurting yourself

These are from me mum,
you’ll end up in queer street.
it’s a dead in a live hole.

**** like the bomb doors on a Lancaster

I’ve got relatives’better than you, and they’ve been dead for 200 years.

‘Needs must when satan vomits into your kettle’
(Blackadder)
Also the word ‘waycot’ as a contraction of ‘Whatdoyoucallit’ comes in very handy when the brian is not fast enough

I’m into tmesis at the moment, mainly as it is an abso-chuffin-lutely new word I learned.

My favourite response to “can I ask you a question?” is to now reply:
“yes it is that big (hold out hands about a 18 inches apart), and no you can’t see it…”
Not sure how well it goes down at work…..

DrP