STORY 1 (18 yrs old)

On holiday with best mate. Polished off a bottle of Bacardi and a bottle of Vodka between us. Gatecrashed his girlfriend’s friend’s family BBQ at their riverside home. Launched myself out of a tree into their little wooden dingy boat, smashing through the floor in the process and splitting my foot open. Pulled myself out and fell into the river. Started sinking. Got pulled out, taken into the bathroom and asked politely to clean myself in the bath (covered in mud and blood). Was ‘watched over’ by the girlfriend’s friend in case I did something stupid … to which I obliged by doing a dump (still in the bath and with aforementioned girl in the room). Somehow managed to clean myself up and was then given someone else’s clothes and sent to bed! Was taken to hospital for stitches the following morning – before which I threw up in the car park.

STORY 2 (30 yrs old)

My best mate was invited to the wedding reception of his girlfriend’s friend (not the same one as above). He refused to go unless I went too 😀 She relented even though she knew it meant trouble. Got hammered that afternoon then turned up at the party. Got evicted from the main hall for playing baseball (using French sticks/batons as the bat and various bits of buffet food as the ball). Broke into the caretaker’s cupboard and got frisky with the hoover. Asked to leave an hour later for stabbing guests (playfully) with plastic cutlery. Got driven to a local pub. Became tangled in the pub’s Xmas tree and ended up wedged beneath it in a toilet cubicle. Got a lift home. Played Twister with some mates during which I broke a VCR player and someones’s bed.

the bad thing is i can’t remember if there were other people in the room whilst i was ‘pleasured’ but i do remember no-so-sneakily-smooshing my face into her boobs in the lounge, at that point i realised she had a new boyfriend and he was in the room.

ohh, there was a guy from basingstoke who we locked in a dog cage and had to call his mum the next morning to pick him up. cant remember why 😯

by all accounts though it was a great party, about 140+ teenagers in a 3bed semi

Usual boozed up when working away, so hammered i walked out the hotel room door instead of to bathroom & pissed in reception before going back to bed, forgot about it untill checking out the next morning because my mate had an adult movie bill to settle from the other room, didnt go down well with Hotel Manageress or onlooking pensioners!

explicit texts to my sister by accident instead of some bird wasnt funny either

got loads more

Mick Hucknall or Kimbers ?

by all accounts though it was a great party, about 140+ teenagers in a 3bed semi

A friend got an aunt to host a party like that. Carpets removed, most furniture in the garage. House still destroyed. Most memorable thing was seeing the local pre-teen kids rob the ice-cream van when it came around. Precision thievery. I say most memorable because as with most mid-teen booze-fests, most of it is a haze.

Ruined someones millenium New Years Eve celebrations by telling them they looked like Gary Rhodes. And telling them again, and again, and again. Kept reminding them for about 3 hours, eventually just repeating the words “Gary Rhodes” loudly over everyone elses conversation. I have no recollection of this.

With two friends fell asleep in the road, in a dip between two blind summits, on a dark, moonless rainy night, somewhere within a lengthy staggering distance of Hollinsclough Bunkhouse in the Peaks

My ex.

In 1989 or 1990, when I was 17 or 18, I used you go to the local with my mates most Friday and Saturday nights. After closing time we would walk home and cut through the golf course as this saved a significant amount of time. One night whilst walking across the fairway we found a parked up dumper truck and the keys were in the ignition. After a while we managed to get it started and we drove off down the fairway in a world of our own (drunk and the dumper truck had no lights). All was going well until we drove it into a gully across the fairway. Unfortunately we rolled the dumper truck onto its side but luckily we all escaped injury. We legged it off, in hystrics. That was until we saw the local newspaper the next week, which had a vandal headline and a photo of the upturned dumper truck. I bet the Saturday morning golfers weren’t pleased to find a new obstacle on their fairway?

My stories are fairly tame when drunk….

….but the best thing i ever saw was my old crewmate (who had a crush on a mutual friend’s partner) get blind drunk at their wedding reception and announce his undying love in front of everybody.

Grown man, married and hundreds of witnesses….great and cringeworthy….still makes me laugh years later.

My ex.

FTW

Abused a female copper in Victoria coach station, many years ago, and ended up banged up for the night in Belgravia cop shop.

Let me off with a caution..lucky man..

In my formative years (1970 or thereabouts) , while living in Las Vegas, my house-mate and I went to a James Gang concert that entailed much pre-concert drinking, during-concert smoking of select herb and more post-concert drinking. Have no recollection of going back to the house, but my first recollection was waking up about 10AM with the phone ringing and going out into the living room to answer it bare-ass naked. Standing there talking and turned around to see my house-mate, his parents and several friends all sitting at the table eating breakfast.

so many but:
Had to attend a coronary hearing for a lad we had been traveling with in oz. So back in England I go to Canterbury and stay over night with his parents and brother once the inquest was done me and his brother go out on the lash and get plastered. Woke up in his bed…. Awkward… Then stumbled across the room to discover I’d pissed in his wardrobe and puked the pile of cloths left in the corner of the room. Suffice to say I made a swift one.

In late teens has Xmas doo at work and got smashed but decided I could cycle home at 1.00am in freezing fog. Made it round first corner then crashed and there I lay till sometime later when an off duty copper found me and called a ambulance when I couldn’t be woken. Woke up in the morning by my mate’s wife (a&e nurse) who told me I’d been a nightmare and called the Matron hatty jakes then puked. Apparently I was still clipped into my spds when they found me.

Walked over the arch of the Runcorn/Widnes bridge when walking home from a club bladdered and eager to impress a bunch of girls we were walking with. It worked but next day I was mortified, still have nightmarish flashbacks some 15 years on (about the bridge bit, not the girl)

Kicked a dwarf in the head.

went to Morzine with 3 of the boys last year. Ended up having a lockin in some pub before going to a club. Arrived back to find one of the boys hadn’t made it back.

He ended up stumbling in at 7am with no recollection of anything, only wearing his boxers and body torn to pieces from having been scrabbling across the mountainside.

4 weeks later he receives a call from the french police, apparently his clothes, phone and jeans were all found in an abandoned building site where he’d apparently decided to ‘bunk down’ for the night.

The thought of him running semi naked, torn to shreds and wild eyed through the mountainside has earned him the nickname ‘the wild man of morzine’, and more importantly guaranteed that his other half will never let him come on another boys holiday again….ever. Hes 36 btw….

Too many, and too many regrettable sexual liasons, but am quite proud of getting kicked out of a Frank Black gig in Sydney due to making my way into the wings and playing the warm up bands drum kit.

i managed to spell ‘help’ (on the roof)in soggy toilet roll dropped out the window in the loft as i threw up out the window

Some serious multi-tasking going on there.

*applause*

My drunken hi jinks seem to mosty involve me trying to not get arrested…

One for doing Michael Jackson/Bo Selecta crotch grabbing while holding my KFC on the way home in the rough direction of no-one, but catching the attention of a police who then reversed 100yds back up the road to chastise me…

The other police incident involved me climbing up the front of a police riot van & hanging off the the shield… I don’t remember this, but how I got arrested I don’t know..

Finally when we were teenagers a fun game was stealing & swapping people’s gates & my own personal favourite, around election time swapping people vote tory signs for labour & vice versa & if we could find any Liberal Democrats signs we’d swap them aswell.

Crapped in a graveyard. Felt terrible afterwards and resolved never to do it again. Next time i got hammered decided the graveyard was out of bounds so crapped in someone’s driveway. To this day I still think about the family going to the grave of their loved one and finding a six inch brown one and the other family trying to leave their home and finding a six inch brown one.

put a fellow student (who was pretty skinny) into a holdall, and dragged said holdall down two flights of stairs in our Halls of Residence.

Kicked a dwarf in the head.

lemonysam, I need to know more 😀

Set fire to a disabled (quadriplegic) girl in a wheelchair in a nightclub.

Felt asleep … while all the chicks were dancing around horny … arrghhh …

Went back to a mates’ house with another lad and their girlfriends for a 5 way. I fell asleep in the lounge before it even began.

To this day I still think about the family going to the grave of their loved one and finding a six inch brown one and the other family trying to leave their home and finding a six inch brown one.

I’m more concerned that you stopped to measure them.

Spursn17: Never dance the can can on a revolving dance floor whilst intoxicated.

After the kick I apologised, vomited and ran the whole way home. Now given that this was in the Bondi Beach Club in Leeds and I was living in Adel at the time that’s not a bad achievement. To this day when drunk I have occasional panicked moments where I think I’m going to face some sort of Don’t Look Now vengence.

Uni cycling society Christmas social at a Chinese restaurant. Pretty much unlimited wine had a nasty effect, which was compounded by my good friend slipping vodka into my glass and then being pressured into doing “The Teapot”.

I stood up to go to the toilet and the world got pretty wonky. Walking over to the stairs I tripped over and smashed my face into a couple’s table, nearly toppling the thing 😳 I leapt to my feet and headed upstairs for the toilet, profusely apologising and insisting I was OK. On my way back downstairs I tripped and fell, again, crashing into the same couple. I passed out and woke up at 1pm the next day.

A trip in an ambulance, zero response to stimulation and vast amounts of purple, rice based vomit. It wasn’t my proudest moment. Luckily the guys took care of me, for which I am eternally grateful.

Oh yeah, and one time I pissed on my mates bass guitar……I’m an awful person 😥

Im not spelling it out but the keywords are, Thailand -ketamine- Mekong whisky(7 banned substances) – wallet nicked -phone nicked – saw it all but couldnt do nothing as in a horse sized coma -blow job and ladyboy ,not in any particular order but all together? great holiday but now i keep away from drugs ?

Years ago when I was still in the Navy…

‘It’s a knockout’ sports afternoon
Plus
All day and night drinking
Plus
Huge bucket of KFC
=
Court martial !!!

What larks.

Got woken up in the middle of the night with my mates mother screeming at me as I was pishing against the wall in her bedroom. Or tried to get into the wardrobe in another one of my mates parents room then tried to get into bed with them and after that went and pished on the electric fire which wasn’t noticed till the fire was turned on a few days later and they got the hot aroma of pish.

Oh forgot to say I sleep walk when drunk.

15 years old hanging out with all the mates at the park (as you do). Lots of mixing drinks. Get carted off to a secluded grassy area by a girl who proceeds to get her mouth round the old chap (whoopee!). Just as things are getting good, I look up to be blinded by car headlights overlooking the scene and loads of youth scarpering. My partner in crime legs it and I stand to do the same, forgetting I’ve got my trousers round my ankles. Of course I fall on my face and as I stand up get confronted by two WPCs. ‘Do your trousers up please you’re embarrassing us ladies’. 😳

At uni a few years later in halls, manage to get a girl I’d fancied for a while back to my room. I wake up to find that she’s disappeared without a trace. ‘Strange’ I think and carry on with the day. I later go over to my desk by the window to make a cup of tea. All my papers and desk are soaking wet and my kettle stinks of p*ss. You can probably guess what I’d done in the night – all in front of the lovely lady. She must’ve been well impressed. 😯

Once went on a coke/drink binge during a lads trip to Miami, anyway 2 days in everything escalated as it does and one of the group did a shit on the floor in my room, I lost it went to the airport and jumped on the next flight home (somehow I convinced them my mum had died so hence my distraught state, yes, very low). Came to with all 3 seats of the emergency aisle to myself and just as the plane was landing at Heathrow, biggest waste of money ever!
I have done worse………………..

Too much wine. Fell down my stairs outside my flat. Cracked my skull twice, traumatic brain injury, bleeding brain. No memory of it happening. Woken up by the police two days later as I was in bed as no one could get a hold of me. Month in hospital fixing short term memory loss, learning how to remember and learn again, big ass headaches, seeing a psychologist, speech and language counselor, social counselor and physio each morning. Lost sense of smell and taste, still not 100% that one either.

So, yes, thats the worst thing I’ve done when drunk I’d say. But thankfully, all fixed! Well, I hope so…

Oh and another time I fell of a ladder while climbing up from a dingy when the tide was low and just before I hit the water tried to grab the ladder but managed to drag hand through barnacles shredding my hand.

I used to motorbike it to work and had some slip on boots kept in my bedroom

One night we had a party at our house. the next morning I got up all hazy and put the right boot on. A pint of piss spurted out.

A year later similar thing happened. My girlfriend was woken by me relieving myself in the bedside drawer. Fair play, she thought it was a dream and went back to sleep. It wasn’t and our passports were in there.

Im still at Uni, first week of freshers we stole a cow,combine and got dropped off naked 40 miles away and still made it back without any problem…Dont worry I had my shoes.

More drunk stories than sober ones i’m afraid to say… Really wouldn’t know where to begin, but the highlights of the last decade and a half in no particular order are :
Naked photos of me with two cops in Fort William High St, Heated exchange with a pimp in New York City, Sleeping in a JCB, Chasing a baby skunk in a forest, Losing three complete outfits in one night (but not my wallet or phone), Many many less than par women, Hospital combined with two-day memory loss, Acquiring a chain-mail suit from god-knows, Being thrown out of a taxi for doing Elton John from Bo-Selecta impressions, Waking up in Glasgow airport after apparently trying to fly to San Francisco (that would have made me very late for work that day in Glasgow), A kid asking me if I was his new dad, Having a Sheriff that looks like Wyatt Earp convince me that i’d be fine to drink/drive…
Fortunately I don’t really drink any more (no hangovers in over two years now)… I like to think of these experiences as being character building!

I’m told it involved a Sinclair C5 and Blackpool Promenade 😳

My Girlfriend then was giving me a BJ, Got that tingly feeling as you do.

next thing am pi$$ing in her mouth. she nearly drowned.

That girlfriend then is now my wife.

Been together 12 years now, married 6.

I did something right somewhere