I was contemplating taking the winter tyres off and popping new summer tyres on. They’re tubeless, so it’s not a job I like to do a lot purely because of the faff level involved with sealant. Anyway, I really like the look of the Spesh Slaughter. I’m already a fan of the Butcher (absolutely brilliant front tyre) so it makes sense to buy a new set together from my LBS.

It then occurred to me how bloody aggressive these tyre names are. I’m not a particular fan of ‘shredding’ or ‘ripping’ trails as that all sounds a bit nasty; ‘gliding’ and ‘flowing’ are far more my preferred adjectives. So why the aggro tyre names?

No other tyre company I can think of is quite so blood-thirsty in their naming conventions. Is it to appeal to the gnarcore enduro crowd? To appease red-blooded Americans? To fire up the bloodlust before smashing out some runs, ripping rooty corners, tearing up the trails and killing some KOMs? I have to admit to feeling a little intimidated by it all.

Maybe I should reassert myself and treat the bike to a set of Minions instead. That way I am still the boss, but comfortable in my superiority with no fear of waking up either in the midst of a murderous red mist, or covered in blood with a hatchet in my back.

To appeal to women ? IGMC

Their main tyre designer is actually a huge Anglophile and a big fan of British soaps in particular.

Hence the tribute to his favourite character…

The BBC should sue them.

Don’t let a honeybadger slaughter your minions, it would upset the high rollers

Not just Spesh

WTB – Vigilante, Wolverine, Trail Boss

Better than Schwalbe though which sounds like some sort of quaint Garbage Pail Kids for cycling

Rocket Ron
Racing Ralph
Nobby Nic

The BBC should sue them.

😆

I hope Specialized would see the irony too after the Roubaix daftness.

And Maxxis to be fair

Aggressor
Ignitor
Medusa
Tomahawk

Not just Spesh

WTB – Vigilante, Wolverine, Trail Boss

Yeah… But they’re not really murderous verbs are they?

Purgatory ??
not heaven and not hell but somewhere in between?

I dunno, Purgatory and Storm sums up the conditions the tyres excel in perfectly (the long British winter and deep mud respectively)!

I’ve no idea what Eskar is though.

Yeah… But they’re not really murderous verbs are they?

WTB Bronson, or the kids version the Ian Brady

Yeah… But they’re not really murderous verbs are they?

Your gripe was with how “bloody aggressive these tyre names are”

I strongly recommend you never look at the Cove Bikes website…

not heaven and not hell but somewhere in between?

Yeah – don’t get that one. Isn’t it a torturous permanent state of unrest for naughty Catholics?

I’ve no idea what Eskar is though.

An Esker/Eskar is a post-glacial feature, basically it’s a sinuous gravel feature that used to be the bed of a stream that ran underneath the glacier. (I knew O-level geography would come in useful some day!)

Your gripe was with how “bloody aggressive these tyre names are”

True. You could argue a tomahawk isn’t aggressive, merely a tool for inflicting harm by an aggressive user. 😉 It’s also quite symbolic.

A butcher or slaughter is fairly explicit.

I strongly recommend you never look at the Cove Bikes website…

😆

I’ve owned three Coves already. 😉

WTB Bronson, or the kids version the Ian Brady

Yeap. That’s pretty harsh!

tire names can be odd, Schwalbe surely take the prize for bizarre?

Racing Ralph, Rocket Ron, Dirty Dan, Nobby Nic, Magic Mary, Fat Albert, Thunder Burt, Furious Fred, Jumbo Jim, Smart Sam, Sammy Slick, Tough Tom, Rapid Rob, Crazy Bob, Jumping Jack, Mad Mike

WTF??

tire names can be odd, Schwalbe surely take the prize for bizarre?

Racing Ralph, Rocket Ron, Dirty Dan, Nobby Nic, Magic Mary, Fat Albert, Thunder Burt, Furious Fred, Jumbo Jim, Smart Sam, Sammy Slick, Tough Tom, Rapid Rob, Crazy Bob, Jumping Jack, Mad Mike

WTF??

Well Dirty Dan is on the forum…

Schwalbe though which sounds like some sort of quaint Garbage Pail Kids for cycling

😆

This might explain why – subliminally – I’m such a total Schwalbe fan boi. Part of me always wants to be more like Racing Ralph.

Hans Dampf effectively translates as Mr Damp (this is according to my German missus before someone starts squawking that would be Herr Dampf) which is A) lame and B) pretty stupid given how easily they clag up. That said I still like them

Hans Dampf means Jack of all trades, though the words alone don’t signify this. german is very regional though and I don’t think this is used across the country. Schwalbe are from somewhere near Köln, maybe it’s a local thing.

Edit – doesn’t dampf mean steam or steamy? Mm Mr Steamy

Dampfnudeln?

I’m with PMJ on this one, don’t see the attraction of such aggressive names such as the Specialized ones.

TBH I quite like the slightly off the wall naming that Schwalbe use.

Just a shame I don’t like the actual tyres.

I’ve got some Specialized Chunder tyres on one bike.

They’re well sick…

Yeah, she just told me it means Mr Steam and gave me a withering look. I’m old, I forget stuff. However, she’s from near Koln and says it definitely doesn’t mean Jack of all trades. She also gave me another look although this one was more pitying. That said she’s been over here for over 15 years, could be more recent slang. Dunno.

If you’re going to shred your way through war zones like Ho Chi Minh, Baghdad and Berlin Wall, you need to make it sound like you mean business. 😉

Hmm, my gf is German, according to her hans dampf means a clumsy person, an oaf, though (from my translater app) as part of the phrase ‘Hans Dampf in allen Gassen’ means a handy guy to have around, so who wants an oaf when you need a handyman?

These Germans are crazy

I just told my one and she said she has heard that saying but she thought it related to someone who is a party animal. Literal translation is “Mr Steam in every alley” apparently. Doesn’t have a clue does she? I knew I should have married a nice girl from Essex.

She has just looked it up and now concedes it does indeed mean a jack of all trades. She has admitted she’s wrong! A historic moment in our household. I’m going to party like we just signed the Treaty of Versailles

The only thing we can talk from this is that indeed ‘these Germans are crazy’. I use it as a daily excuse for not learning the language properly.

MTB tyre names have always been rubbish: e.g. Tioga Farmer John’s Cousin

It’s a bit like “Bob’s your uncle” isn’t it. The thing I like about it, is all the mental ways british people pronounce Hans Dampf. Honz Domp-pff.

Not all Specialized names are aggro, There’s the likes of the Captain, Sausagewind, Hillbilly, named after their big brand ambassador guys. That must be a wee bit weird for Gwin. Someone told me Butcher is part of a kind of clever pun in a european language but can I remember what? Nope.

I like Schwable’s stupid names in general. Thunder Burt was the winner of an online name contest. Though it’s weird sometimes, with Muddy Mary not being a mud tyre, and Nobby Nics traditionally discarding all their knobs in about 5 rides. I remember an STW thread that asked what tyres for fruit preserves, obviously the Schwalbe Jam Master J.

Audience is a bunch of desk-jockey MAMILS who need to feel like they’re tough and masculine…

Bit like the Mitsubishi Barbarian ‘manly’ pickup comes in black and silver rather than coming in pink with those headlamp eyelash things and being called the Mitsubishi Nancy!

If you’re going to shred your way through war zones like Ho Chi Minh, Baghdad and Berlin Wall join the caravan club you need to make it sound like you mean business.

and all of them contain a Chemi-khazi

Haha brilliant thread! I actually like schwalbes funny names, that and the fact they are colour neutral.. I’m looking forward to new models, rutting Rachel, and sideways Susan!

I recon there’s an opening for a Dictator themed range of tyres.

29*2.5 Hugo on the front and a 29*2.2 Kim bringing up the rear. The pleasure in scrubbing those buggers down to the canvas would be enormous.

Some good candidates for a game of ‘anal caravan’ there maccruisekeen 😀

I suppose there has to be a line drawn, the Specialized “Can I borrow your lawnmower”, or “Weekend in Bath” would be quite inoffensive and middle of the road. No doubt someone will come along with “Trailshagger” or “Gnar-Humper” after reading this thread.

I like the dinosaur names. Velociraptor!

Although Diplodocus sounds like a slow grippy tyre…

I always like the Specialized tire “Captain” named after the infamous Ned Overend

also known as “The Captain” “Deadly Nedly” and “The Lung”

Years ago I remember being next to him on the start line at a National XC race in the UK (Plymouth?).

When the race started he rode off and was never seen again despite the entire Pro and Expert field chasing after him like madmen.

‘The Captain’ indeed

Because someone, somewhere thinks it’ll make you look cool.

Personally I’m waiting for a Mincing Margot and a Pootling Pete* to transform my Blue Pig into the Netherlands-destroying uberbike I need to tackle the hills** in my new hometown.

* this is liez

** now you know why