If Star Wars had been set in the West of Scotland….. (an oldie but a goodie – this has been doing the rounds of t’Internet for some time..)
Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he’d only be about 5ft tall, from Blackhill, and called Shug. He’d have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink, and invariably sport a Rangers top.
Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Big Yin by his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would address him as ****-Nobby.
Darth Vader would be referred to as “Auld Helmet Heid” or in moments of stress “That Dome-Heided Basturd”.
R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or piss on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front of a speeding train/set on fire.
Although proficient in over 3,500 languages C3P0 would still be unable to understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a “greetin-faced poof fae Milngavie”.
The Millennium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have a Daily Record “I Love Scotland” sticker in the back window and a saltire bumper sticker.
Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it’s hard to run very fast when you’re wearing 5 inch heels and a tiny silver mini- skirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps, and you’ve been a heavy smoker since you were six.
The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a desperate all out attack. Two easy ways would be:-
(1) Alter its orbit so it passed through Bridgeton and tell the locals it was full of Catholics.
(2) Leave it unattended in Easterhouse.
Translated lines from the film:-
Han Solo:
“I’ve got a real bad feeling about this.”
“Ah’m ****in’ ma sel’ here boy.”
“Bring ’em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around.”
“Come ahead then! Ah’ll tak’ on the f***ing lot o’ ye! Ah’ve bin dyin’ furra square go.”
“There’s no mystical energy field controls my destiny.”
“The Force?!! D’youse think ah came doon wae the rain?”
“Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.”
“Nae messin aboot wae the god squad and auld rubbish, wee man. Get yersel’ a decent shooter.”
Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker:
“The Force is strong in this one.”
“Stop shooglin’ aboot, ya wee basturd!”
Princess Leia:
“You’re a little short for a Storm-trooper aren’t you?”
“Ah didnae think they took short-erses in the polis.”
“This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade.”
“Wuv goat NAE chance in this pile o’ ****e.”
Luke to the Emperor:
“Your overconfidence is your weakness.”
“Ye’r a cocky wee ****e.”
Obi Wan:
“I felt a great disturbance in the Force.”
“F*** me! Whit wiz that?”
