Many years ago - thinking back I must have been fifteen or sixteen - it wasn't uncommon for my friends and I to wander for miles around the countryside whilst enjoying ourselves on drink and substances.
For quite some time I'd find myself ending the night with a hugely-chested girl, usually by default rather than by design, because we'd catch up with each other roaming around with our respective packs of friends. She was mucky, and as a horny teenager, that appealed to me. On this occasion, it was carnival night, so our usual alcohol consumption had tripled at least.
She and I found ourselves in a field behind her parents' house, and in my semi-conscious state was I surprised to find that she was trying to coax some life from my disappointingly out-of-commission goods. Oh, how desperately she was trying to breathe life into it...
Suddenly I became aware of a figure stalking towards us in the moonlight. I ushered the girl to cease her efforts, and in doing so she caught sight of the approaching person.
"It's me mam! You better leg it!"
Usain Bolt might have run in record time with an untied shoelace. I ran faster with my kecks round my ankles and a soft lob on.
The quickest exit, and the one which my beer compass knew was in the direction of home, was to run west over the field and vault the fence, so that's what I did. What I didn't know at the time, but I'll never forget, was that 'over the fence' is a 60 degree slope covered in deep bramble bushes. And I still had my banger out.
Eventually I came to rest somewhere near the bottom of the hill, lacerated and screaming, my flesh trapped by the barbed plants. Ruined, I lay back and expected to die, but fate wasn't kind enough to let that happen. I was in someones garden, and they were coming for me.
Like the one that got away, I struggled free from the skewers that pinned my skin and made it over the final fence to freedom, but I'd been spotted by the home owner and needed to put some distance between their house and me, and more importantly, the police they would doubtless call.
Some hours later I awoke, several miles from home, sleeping by a reservoir. I walked back to my parents' house feeling remarkably well, but remembering little of the night before.
Later that day, I met a friend who told me that I'd copped off with the large-breasted girl again. It was news to me, but no matter. I was quite pleased with myself - none of my other mates had pulled that night.
A fortnight later and I stepped off a coach in a French car park. I was on a school trip and this was a rest stop. One of the teachers, who was travelling on the second bus, called me over for a one-to-one chat. I knew I'd been arsing about on the bus, but he was on a different vehicle. Nonetheless, he didn't look too happy.
"Next time you're getting a BJ, keep the noise down, and when you're making your way home, don't try and take a shortcut through my garden".
I was remarkably subdued for the remainder of that trip.