My wife once wanted me to paint the small bedroom in a colour I’d never heard of………Mongolia.

My favourite was a repeated spoonerism where she just could not get what was wrong, looking at report coming off printer, she refered to the “comprinter puteout”

My ex thought that the season ticket loan in my staff benefits was for the football.
She also thought, despite seeing it on maps, that the M25 was the road into London and that when you go through the Dartford tunnel you are in London and when you cross the bridge you are leaving London.

Me: Planes can only fly if more than half of the people on them believe they can

My mum: Really?

Me: *slaps head in disbelief*

I told a girlfriend many years ago that photos like the one below were done by snowboard display teams and they’d all ride down the slope very close to each other then go off the jump one after the other

Mate’s got a female work colleague called ‘Thor’ (no, really). 😯

Next to the photocopier, there was a big stack of files with ‘THOR, LEAVE’ printed on paper on top of them.

My mates mum popping in to see him at work, sees this and asks him…”Why does Thor have to leave?”

😆 😆 😆

Not mine but an ex of my brother – watching the footie on the telly.

“So when you’re at the actual game, how are you supposed to hear the commentators over all the cheering”

Proper mouth open disbelief moment that one.

“are the big blue lines the rivers?” while looking at the road atlas

“why doesn’t the sea just sink into the sand?”

Oh and a mate but funny enough to post anyway.

A week MTB holidaying in Northwales – he pipes up and breaks the silence with “What type of Animal is an Araf then?”

An ex, watching over my shoulder as I played one of the old Need For Speed games and crashed heavily into a wall:

“Oh my God, are you all right?!”

how many people were disappointed to find geoffj get in there first with the obvious answer 😆

my lass thought (up until a month ago, she’s 31) That cement lorries with the revolving mixers on contained milk. when I said that if this were true they would be like some massive milk churners, making butter she said that thats what she thought they were doing.

and a classic mix up of words
This is too cold, I’m going to put it in the freezer to warm up a bit”

Lap 25 of a 30 odd lap race the safety car comes out…

“Is that to show them the way round?”

“The Gulf war? Wasn’t that in Norway?”

On spoonerisms, Dr North was once describing a pantomime to me, but she couldn’t remember a character’s name.

Later, when we were round at her grandma’s, the name came to her:

“Window ****”

An ex read a sign for the Polish war memorial as polish war memorial: “shouldn’t that be polished?”

When watching Holby/Casualty one night there was a little lad in bed, with a sign above him saying “NIL BY MOUTH”.

In walks Claire from the kitchen with her cup of tea, sits down, looks at the telly and says “Aah, poor Nilby….”

And she’s in charge of teaching the next generation as well. God help us.

“Window ****”

I got arrested for that once

Arrived home to be greeted by my wife who announced that she had been calling me all day to tell me I had left my mobile at home! When I turned it on there were about 10 messages and 10 missed calls from my home number. And they let her bring new babies into the world!

FHM used to have a column called “From the mouth of babes” where guys would send in thick stuff their birds had said.

One guy said they were watching a news story about some student riots in Russia and they’d attacked a statue of Lenin.

His girlfriend commented “That’s a bit harsh. The Beatles weren’t that bad”

“rogerthecat – Member
Arrived home to be greeted by my wife who announced that she had been calling me all day to tell me I had left my mobile at home! When I turned it on there were about 10 messages and 10 missed calls from my home number. And they let her bring new babies into the world! 2

Me – eyes =tears.

a long time ago my wife told me that she had set off from London on a day trip looking for the biggest stone cicrle in europe. She’d seen a programme on it and it was so big there was a pub and a village in the middle of it. She arrived, looked round and couldn’t spot any signs of megaliths, so she went into the tourist information centre and asked them where the stones were.

They told her she was in Aylesbury not Avebury

🙂

“do you just come to see me so you can ride your bike?” (she was in sheffield)

errr………………

Them were the days, 2 rides a day with shagin in between 🙂

Wife; TODAY; I took her to Waitrose in Lichfield and, cos’ I do not live in Lichfield took a wrong turning and headed for Sutton instead of Walsall. Any way I thought no bother I will pick up the new ring road that turned out to be incomplete so followed diversions through new housing development trying to get back on track.. Finally got to Waitrose.
Walking round Waitrose my Wife said “are we going the same way back” .. not bloody likely was my response… she actually wanted to stop off in Rugeley but never said that bit… WIMIN.. do your heads in…

I misread this the first time!

IGMC

Me too.

Not an ex but a friend while at uni, while watching Robin Hood: Prince of thieves…..

“You know who’d make a good Sherrif of Nottingham, that Alan Rickman”

Cue tears of laughter…..

Driving down the A1, mrs comes out with a comment on the aniamals in a field we passed ” look at those brown sheep”

“they’re cows love, cows”

Son- “Rita, Sue & Bob too”, is on tonight.

His Girlfriend- “I haven’t seen Rita, Sue & Bob one”.

Sat on a flight as the meal got delivered current GF asks “whats that strange clear liquid?” erm that would be water says I.

Watching Antiques roadshow there was a very old atlas before Australia had been discovered that had been re-covered in 1964. GF says in all earnest ” Didnt they discover Australia before that?”

She’s also a teacher with a Masters.

So so so so many…………… so

Present GF
‘ if they keep killing all the lambs for lamb chops there will never be any more sheep in the world’
As my recent EVO magazine subscription comes thru the door.
‘ GF – didn’t you get one of those last month
ME – yes sweetie, thats why its a monthly magazine

poor poor wee girl

OK not a GF but a private school educated, degree and masters qualified, 28 yr old RBS employee. Watching the EON advert on TV, where folk are getting blown off their feet and floating about in the air, he goes;

“So, Jim, when they turn these windmills on are we going to be able to do that?”

Err, yeah because we burn coal to generate electricity to power windmills to create wind for our enjoyment…

Still have to smile at the memory of my brother in law cutting the tops off sachets of boil in the bag rice and pouring them into the pan of water, was the clue not in the title? works for the NHS.